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First Wazzock

The Friday Joke Thread

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It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town.

The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers'' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.

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 The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early Retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line Between any two points in his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top
Of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and
Walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
Measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
Out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who,
When asked where he would like to be measured replied, ''From the tip of My weenie to my testicles.''
 It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider;
Explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him
Providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to ''drop ''em,''
Which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief''s
Weenie and began to work back.

''Dear Lord!'' he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam .''

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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past  Friday  evening with a beautiful much younger gal  at his side. He told the  jeweler he was looking  for a special ring for his girlfriend. The  jeweler looked through his stock and  brought out a $5,000 ring 

The old man  said, ''No, I''d like to see something more   special.''

At that statement,  the jeweler went to his  special stock and  brought another ring over. ''Here''s a stunning   ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.  The lady''s eyes  sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.  The old man  seeing this said, ''We''ll take it.''

The  jeweler asked how  payment would be made and the  old man stated, ''by cheque. I know you  need to make sure my cheque is good, so I''ll write it now  and you  can call the bank Monday to verify the  funds and I''ll pick the ring  up Monday  afternoon.''

On Monday morning, the  jeweler  angrily phoned the old man and said  ''There''s no money in that  account.''

''I  know,'' said the old man, ''But let me tell you   about my GREAT WEEKEND!'' 

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Manure...*An interesting fact* 

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.   

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening 

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction '' Stow high in transit '' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term '' S.H.I.T. '' (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.  

You probably did not know the true history of this word.  

Neither did I.   I had always thought it was a golf term.

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A little bit of natural history.......






A little bit of natural history.......




Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in   Antarctica  - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of  the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in  the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
                         "Freeze a jolly good fellow"
                         "Freeze a jolly good fellow." 
                         Then they kick him in the ice hole !!!

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One particular christmas season a long

time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there was

problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves

did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was

beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus

told Santa that her Mum was going to visit. This stressed Santa even

more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them

were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out,

heaven knows where. More stress. As he began to load the sleigh one of

the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the

toys. So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider

and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the

elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his

frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into

hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the

broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.


Just then the doorbell rang and

irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a

little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, ''Merry Christmas Santa, Isn''t it a lovely day ?

I have a beautiful tree for you. Where do you want me to stick it ? ''


Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry, and was sueing the lorry company. In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
 ''Now didn''t you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, ''I''m fine?''      .
 ''Well, I''ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the...''
''I didn''t ask for any details'',''Just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident,   ''I''m fine!''?''
  ''Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down the road.....''
 The solicitor interrupted again and said,
 ''Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.''
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus''s answer and said to the solicitor:
 ''I''d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie''.

 Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.
 ''Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like, and didn''t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
 Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said,
    ''How badly are you hurt?''
''What the F**k would you have said''?

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Plastic surgery  Arse lift 

(Don''t let any of your friends have this procedure!)  
Many of you will have heard of a plastic surgical procedure called an Arse lift.   
I want to show you how it turns out.  
Please, refrain from getting this procedure done.

You''ll regret it!

Please see photo below...



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At the end of the tax year, the  Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books he turned to the  Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages.
What do you do with the end of the roll when there''s too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the  Accountant.
"We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases?
What do you do with what''s left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the  Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all   Accountant.

"Well," he went on,
"What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant.
"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland   Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

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Did I read that sign right?                                                                                   TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW                                                                    In a Laundromat:                                      AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR    CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT                                                                               In a London department store:                         BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS                                                                                      In an office:                                         WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY   PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN                                                           In an office:                                        AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND    STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD                                                                       Outside a secondhand shop:                            WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES,    ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A          WONDERFUL BARGAIN?                                                                                            Notice in health food shop window:                   CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS                                                                                        Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)            ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR                                                                             Seen during a conference:                            FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN''T KNOW IT,     THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR                                                                         Notice in a farmer''s field:                          THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR     FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.                                                                                  Message on a leaflet:                                IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW   TO GET LESSONS                                                                                               On a repair shop door:                               WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE    DOOR - THE BELL DOESN''T WORK)                        >                                             

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 Painting the Church

There was a Dublin

painter named Paddy the Painter who was very interested in making a

penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a

wee bit further.


As it happened, he

got away with this for some time, but eventually the parish priest

decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of the Church.

Paddy put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about

erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint

and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine..

Well, Paddy was up

on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when

suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the

rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and

knocking Paddy clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the

gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless



Paddy was no fool.  He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,

so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

(you''re going to love this)


"Repaint!  Repaint!  

 And thin no more!" cid:EDBD7823A4FB41FC8198081D268DF332@ConorCassidyPC

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Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together 

in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, ''Do you have a condom?''

Donald frowned and said, ''No.''

Daisy told Donald that if he didn''t get a condom, they could not have sex.

''Maybe they sell them at the front desk,'' she suggested.

  So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk 

if they had condoms.

''Yes, we do,'' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave one to Donald.

The clerk asked, ''Would you like me to put them on your bill?

''No!''  Donald quacked


''I''ll thuffocate''

Oh I''m so sorry, but I just could not resist. 

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Just got home and found all the doors and windows wide open and everything gone.

What kind of sick bas***d does that to someones advent calendar.

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My Jewish friend walked into Asda this morning slapped his circumcised **** on the customer service desk and said ''I bet you can''t roll that back''

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Because of all the snow and ice at the moment the Government are worried about kids playing on the roads so to scare them all off they are going to use a special machine.....it''s called a Gary Gritter.

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X Factor Judges have had second thoughts after voting Wagner out of the show.

Concerned about losing out on the market for a middle aged foreigner with a strange accent, they are seeking a replacement.

Roy Keane is currently taking singing lessons.......

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Since it has snowed all my wife has done is look through the window.If it gets any worse i will have to let her in!

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