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The Butler

Friday fun

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It was Postman Pat''s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and t owns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs,
the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice . As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup.

''All this was just too wonderful for words,'' he said, ''but what''s the five quid for?''

''Well,'' said the dumb blonde, ''
L ast night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you''. ''I asked him what I should give you''.

He said, ''F**k him. Give him a fiver.''

She smiled shyly and said, ''The breakfast was my idea.''

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Who''s jolly and cute,
Wearing a beard and a red
Flannel suit,
And if he is chuckling and
Laughing away,
While flying around in a
Miniature sleigh,
With eight tiny reindeer to pull
Him along,
Then let''s face it...

                    You’re Pissed!

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Just downloaded the ne FIFA to my laptop...tried to open it but is said it was corrupt.

My wife is a real Tiger in the bedroom....400lb and ginger.

BRRRR...f++k it, im going out in the garden tomorrow and burning a load of tyres and aerosol cans to see if i can get global warming kickstarted again.

Waitress: Do you have any questions about the menu

Me: yes what kind of font is this?




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An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife''s hand in his and said, "Martha,  soon we will be married 50 years, and there''s something I have to know.  In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you..  Yes, I''ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for  a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife''s confession, but said, "I never  suspected.  Can you tell me what you mean by ''good reasons?''"

Martha  said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn''t pay the mortgage.  Do  you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day  he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for  that..  You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn''t  have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed?  Well, I went to  see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no  charge."

"I recall that," said Henry.  "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that.  Now tell me about the third time."

 "All right," Martha said.  "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

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The Rat.
A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said:  ''How much is this bronze rat?''
The owner replied:  ''It''s £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'' 
The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said:  ''I''ll just take the rat, you can keep the story.''
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed and ran on towards the beach, as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS.
They were running faster and faster.
By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said:  ''Ah, you''ve come back for the story then?''
''No,'' said the tourist,  ''I came back to see if you''ve got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Manchester United supporter, and anything French!''

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A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, ''Harry, what''s your problem?''

Harry answered, ''I''m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I''m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!''

Ms.. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal''s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

''What is 3 x 3?''


''What is 6 x 6?''


And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ''I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade''

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, ''Let me ask him some questions..''

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, ''What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?''

Harry, after a moment: ''Legs..''

Ms Brooks: ''What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?''

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: ''Pockets.''

Ms. Brooks: ''What does a dog do that a man steps into?''


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: ''What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?''

The principal''s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, ''Bubble gum.''

Ms. Brooks: ''What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?''

Harry: ''Shake hands.''

The principal was trembling.

Ms.. Brooks: ''What word starts with an ''F'' and ends in ''K'' that means a lot of heat and excitement?''


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, ''Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...''

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Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.  
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You don''t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you''re talking to them.
New shoes don''t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the Time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. 
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is £9.50 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. 
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can ''do'' your nails with a pocket knife. 
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 24 relatives on 24th December in 24 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

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If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it
in for a newer model. I''ve got bumps and dents   and scratches in my
finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ....

But that''s not the worst of it.  

My headlights are out of focus and it''s especially hard to see
things up close 

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and
skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.  

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. 

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.  

But here''s the worst of it --  

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator
leaks or my exhaust backfires!

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''Of course I won''t laugh, said  the nurse.  I''m a professional. In over twenty years I''ve  never laughed at a patient.''
 ''Okay then,'' said Fred, and he  proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest ''man thingy''  the nurse had ever seen.
 Length and width, it couldn''t have  been any bigger than a AAA battery.

 Unable to control  herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor  laughing.
 Ten  minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her  composure.
''I am so sorry,'' she said.  ''I don''t know  what came over me.  On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I  promise it won''t happen again. 

Now, tell me, what seems to be  the problem?''
''It''s  swollen,'' Fred replied.
 She ran out of the room

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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the clerk. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.  ''Miss Whack, I''d like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.''



 Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. 



The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it''s okay, he knows the bank manager.  Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.  The

frog says, ''Sure. I have this,'' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,

about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
  Very confused, Patty explains that she''ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.  She

finds the manager and says, ''There''s a frog called Kermit Jagger out

there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants

to use this as collateral.''
  She holds up the tiny pink elephant. ''I mean, what in the world is this?''  (you''re gonna love this)  The bank manager looks back at her and says...  ''It''s

a knick
 knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man''s a Rolling Stone.''  Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

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It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town.  The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.  Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.


this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town,

stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the

hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one

to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the

visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs

next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers’ Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.


publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the

bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him

“services” on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.


that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100

note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and

leaves town.

No one produced anything.  No one earned anything.  However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.

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                                 The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair 

With his secretary. 

One day they went to her place 

And made love all afternoon. 

Exhausted, they fell asleep 

And woke up at 8 PM. 

The man hurriedly dressed 

And told his lover to take his shoes 

Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. 

He put on his shoes and drove home. 

''Where have you been?'' his wife demanded. 

''I can''t lie to you,'' he replied, 

''I''m having an affair with my secretary. 

We had sex all afternoon.'' 

She looked down at his shoes and said: 

''You lying bastard! 

You''ve been playing golf!''

The 2nd Affair 

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters 

But always talked about having a son. 

They decided to try one last time 

For the son they always wanted. 

The wife got pregnant 

And delivered a healthy baby boy. 

The joyful father rushed to the nursery 

To see his new son. 

He was horrified at the ugliest child 

He had ever seen. 

He told his wife: ''There''s no way I can 

Be the father of this baby. 

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! 

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'' 

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 

''No, not this time!'' 

The 3rd Affair 

A mortician was working late one night. 

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, 

About to be cremated, 

And made a startling discovery. 

Schwartz had the largest private part 

He had ever seen! 

''I''m sorry Mr. Schwartz,'' the mortician 

Commented, ''I can''t allow you to be cremated 

With such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'' 

So, he removed it, 

Stuffed it into his briefcase, 

And took it home. 

''I have something to show 

You won''t believe,'' he said to his wife, 

Opening his briefcase. 

''My God!'' the wife exclaimed, 

''Schwartz is dead!''

The 4th Affair 

A woman was in bed with her lover 

When she heard her husband 

Opening the front door. 

''Hurry,'' she said, ''stand in the corner.'' 

She rubbed baby oil all over him, 

Then dusted him with talcum powder. 

''Don''t move until I tell you,'' 

She said. ''Pretend you''re a statue.'' 

''What''s this?'' the husband inquired 

As he entered the room. 

''Oh it''s a statue,'' she replied. 

''The Smiths bought one and I liked it

So I got one for us, too.'' 

No more was said, 

Not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, 

Went to the kitchen and returned 

With a sandwich and a beer. 

''Here,'' he said to the statue, ''have this. 

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths 

And nobody offered me a damned thing.'' 

The 5th Affair 

A man walked into a cafe, 

Went to the bar and ordered a beer. 

''Certainly, Sir, that''ll be one cent.'' 

''One Cent?'' the man exclaimed. 

He glanced at the menu and asked: 

''How much for a nice juicy steak 

And a bottle of wine?'' 

''A nickel,'' the barman replied. 

''A nickel?'' exclaimed the man. 

''Where''s the guy who owns this place?'' 

The bartender replied: 

''Upstairs, with my wife.'' 

The man asked: ''What''s he doing upstairs 

With your wife?'' 

The bartender replied: 

''The same thing I''m doing 

To his business down here.'' 

The 6th & Best Affair 

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. 

He looked up and said weakly: 

''I have something I must confess.'' 

''There''s no need to, ''his wife replied. 

''No,'' he insisted, 

''I want to die in peace. 

I slept with your sister, your best friend, 

Her best friend, and your mother!'' 

''I know,'' she replied. 

''Now just rest and let the poison work.''


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Winter is here and soon our native birds will be finding food scarce. Please go the pet shop and buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends. There is no finer sight on a winter''s morning than a pair of tits round the nutsack. Just remember however it''s a bit early to expect a swallow!

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A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:




On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, ''You''re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, ''Therefore, I cannot run around on you!''

She snorted. ''You don''t have any arms either!''

Again, the old man smiled, ''Therefore, I can never beat you!''

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ''Are you still good in bed???''

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

''Rang the doorbell didn''t I?

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Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides and everytime that Mary walked the boys could see her thighs.

Mary had another skirt it was split right up the front, but she never wore that one.

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A Jehovas Witness knocked on my front door tonight. I asked him in, sat him down and said, ''Right, what do you want to talk about?''

He said ''F**k knows I''ve never got this far before''.

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An escaped convict

broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up

on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,

"Honey, this guy hasn''t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he

wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you

like it. Our lives depend on it!"

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I''m so relieved you feel that

way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice ass!

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