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The Butler

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THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to myhusband that my breasts are too small..

Instead of characteristicallytelling me it''s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toiletpaper and rub it between them for a few seconds.''

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand infront of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. ''How long will

this take?'' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,'' my husband replies.

I stopped. ''Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper betweenmy breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?''

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ''bum'', didn''t it?"

He''s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

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The Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There''s something he''s needing.''"


After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.

 

 

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
''Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Then he added a mouth.

And Ruined the whole  BLOODY thing.
 

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After reading these, you might want to check that your 3rd party liability
insurance is up to date and hope that this trend does not take root in the UK!


*Stella Awards*
 
*It''s time again for the annual ''Stella Awards'' in the beloved US of A!


For  those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella
Liebeck, who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the
McDonald''s in New Mexico where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took
the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving.


Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?


That''s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S.
You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head
scratcher handy. Here are the Stella''s for the past year:*


*** *SEVENTH PLACE**
*Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers
after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store.
The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running
toddler was her own son.*


*Start scratching!*


**** SIXTH PLACE **


*Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses
when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Truman apparently didn''t notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor''s hubcaps.*


** FIFTH PLACE **
*Goes to Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had
just burgled by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage
door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open.


Worse, he couldn''t re-enter the house, because the door connecting the garage to
the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count ''em, EIGHT
days, and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner''s
insurance company, claiming undue mental anguish.


Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.


We should all have this kind of anguish. *


*Keep scratching. There are more. *


** FOURTH PLACE *** *


*Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella''s when he
was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next
door neighbor''s beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner''s fenced
garden.


Williams did not get as much as he asked for, because the jury believed the beagle might
have been provoked at the time of the butt bite, because Williams had climbed over the fence
into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun. *


*Pick a new spot to scratch, you''re getting a bald spot..*


** THIRD PLACE *** *


*Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania wins, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia
restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone.


The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds
earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own
actions? *


*Only two more, so ease up on the scratching....*


**SECOND PLACE*** *


*Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because
she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though
Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover
charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.


Takes some figuring out, this.


*OK. Here we go!!!!!*


** FIRST PLACE *


*This year''s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma
City , Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip
home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control
at 70 mph and calmly left the driver''s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself
a sandwich.


Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly,
Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner''s manual that she couldn''t actually
leave the driver''s seat while the cruise control was set.


The Oklahoma jury awarded her - are you sitting down - $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home.
Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski
has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.*

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Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.

Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruiseship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I''m very much in love with you. I''d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it''s only fair to warn you, I''m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that''s going to be a problem, for us, you''d better say so now!"

 

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won''t be a problem.

I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we''re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I''ve been a hooker."

 

"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully.

He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it''s probably because you''re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

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Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on.
That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room.
Camilla flopped on the bed and said ''Please remove my shoes darling, one''s feet are killing one.''
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor but it would not budge.
''Harder'' yelled Camilla.
''Harder?'' Charles yelled back, ''I''m trying darling! But it''s just so bloody tight!''
''Come on give it all you''ve got '' she cried.
Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed
''Oh God, that feels so good.''
In their bedroom next door, The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said
''See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!''
Meanwhile, back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out,
''Oh God darling, this one''s even tighter''
At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen:
''That''s my boy, Once a Navy man, always a navy man!''

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Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the ''Clio'' and the ''Taurus''. They have designed the ''Clitaurus''. It comes in pink, the average male car thief won''t be able to find it let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumour has it though that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real b*tch to start in the morning.

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Old lady to her husband.

''My boobs are as hot today as they were 50 years ago''

Husband replies, ''that''s because one is in your porridge and the other in your coffee''

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Murphy and Mary decide to try a 69.

Murphy has never done it before so Mary says she will show him. She tells him to lie on the floor and squats over him and farts right in his face. She apologises and tries again, but farts again.

A furious Murphy gets up and says, ''it''s no good I can''t stick another 67 of them''.

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[quote user="Beauseant"]In fairness Butler, no one would accuse your breasts of being small........[:D][/quote]

You said you would not kiss and tell you bitch!

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[quote user="First Wazzock"]

After reading these, you might want to check that your 3rd party liability
insurance is up to date and hope that this trend does not take root in the UK!


*Stella Awards*
 
*It''s time again for the annual ''Stella Awards'' in the beloved US of A!


For  those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella
Liebeck, who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the
McDonald''s in New Mexico where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took
the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving...

[/quote]Sorry, http://www.stellaawards.com/bogus.html

But they are still amusing

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How off topic is this thread? Yet every single week the ''joke thread is left''.

What makes this worse is that there are threads which are so much closer to Norwich City FC which are moved without a moments hesitation...

 

 

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CT, even if thats mean''t to be sarcastic, don''t do it.......Most people enjoy this joke thread, Butler, Wazzock etc put in their own time to post jokes on here every friday for us to enjoy, and comments like that aren''t needed.....

(and anything slightly NCFC related isn''t moved....)

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[quote user="morty"]Uh-oh, fun police in the house.
[/quote]

 

Says the person who frequently posts snide little comments like ''off topic'' ....

If other stuff is moved why isnt this? I''m sure people wont have much of an issue finding this in the ot part of the forum.

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[quote user="CT"]

[quote user="morty"]Uh-oh, fun police in the house.[/quote]

 

Says the person who frequently posts snide little comments like ''off topic'' ....

If other stuff is moved why isnt this? I''m sure people wont have much of an issue finding this in the ot part of the forum.

[/quote]Or you could just stop whining?

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[quote user="dhickl"][quote user="First Wazzock"]

After reading these, you might want to check that your 3rd party liability
insurance is up to date and hope that this trend does not take root in the UK!


*Stella Awards*
 
*It''s time again for the annual ''Stella Awards'' in the beloved US of A!


For  those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella
Liebeck, who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the
McDonald''s in New Mexico where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took
the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving...

[/quote]Sorry, http://www.stellaawards.com/bogus.html

But they are still amusing

[/quote]

I must admit, I thought it was far fetched - but it make me laugh, and that is what this thread is all about.

Take note CT.

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[quote user="First Wazzock"][quote user="dhickl"][quote user="First Wazzock"]

After reading these, you might want to check that your 3rd party liability
insurance is up to date and hope that this trend does not take root in the UK!


*Stella Awards*
 
*It''s time again for the annual ''Stella Awards'' in the beloved US of A!


For  those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella
Liebeck, who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the
McDonald''s in New Mexico where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took
the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving...

[/quote]Sorry, http://www.stellaawards.com/bogus.html

But they are still amusing

[/quote]

I must admit, I thought it was far fetched - but it did make me laugh, and that is what this thread is all about.

Take note CT.

[/quote]

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Paddy and Mick are having a bad day at the building site. Paddy says "I''m going to get the rest of the day off by pretending to be mad", so Mick says "I''d like to see you do that."

Half an hour later the foreman comes along, whereupon Paddy jumps up and hangs upside down from a hook on the ceiling shouting "look at me, I''m a light bulb". The foreman says "you''re a bloody lunatic, get yourself home!". Paddy winks at Mick and leaves. Five minutes later the foreman comes back to see Mick packing his things and says "where the hell are you going?". Mick turns round and says "you''re not seriously expecting me to work in here with no light, are you?"

Please note that no Irishmen were harmed in the making of this joke.

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A newlywed couple had only been married for 2 weeks, when the husband, although very much in love, couldn''t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I''ll be right back."

"Why, where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I''m going to the bar, pretty face. I''m going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn''t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn''t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d''oeuvres that are really delicious... I won''t be long, I''ll be right back. I promise, OK?"

"You want hors d''oeuvres, poochi pooh?"

She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d''oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there''s swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you''re married now and you ain''t going nowhere! Got it, Asshole?"

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A

fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were

amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,

silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

   

The

boy asked, ''What is this Father?'' The father (never having seen an

elevator) responded, ''Son, I have never seen anything like this in my

life,
I don''t know what it is.''

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,
A fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The

walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers

above the walls light up sequentially.. They continued to watch until it

reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the

reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.

''Go get your Mother.''

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There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill.

There were four men ...

One was walking briskly up the hill;

One was inside the brothel;

One was walking slowly down the hill;

The fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.

What were the nationalities of the four men?

* The man going up the hill: was Rushin.

* The man in the brothel: Himalayan.

* The man walking down the hill: was Finish.

* The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the light to turn green.

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A

golfer in a competitive match is behind by a couple of strokes.  "Boy,

I''d give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to

himself.

Just

then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to

give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking

the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer says, "Sure,"

... and sinks the putt.

Two

holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an

eagle on this one."

The

same stranger appears at his side and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up

another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging,

the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle. 

On

the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.  Again, the

stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be

worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely,"

the golfer replies ... and he makes the eagle. As

the golfer is walking back to the club house, the stranger falls into step

beside him and murmurs, "I haven''t really been fair with you because you don''t

know who I am.  I''m the Devil, and from this day forward you will have no

sex life."

"Delighted

to meet you," the golfer replies, "I''m Father O''Malley."

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Cheers for the jokes guys and gals.Needed after a crappy day at work[Y]

Also on WITS first joke i only get a red cross in an empty box (this also happens on certain avatars).What setting do i need to change on my comp?Any help cheers.

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[quote user="Woman in the Stands WITS"]The piccies were there in the preview but not when posted, sorry Herman and others.


[/quote]

Typical woman all promise then when you get down to it one BIG RED CROSS[:D]

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