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The Butler

Funny Friday

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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession
to make, I''m not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That''s no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I''ve been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he''s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the
husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" says the wife.
The husband says, "I''m hungry.  I was going to call room service and get some
food."

"Tiger wouldn''t do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He''d come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his
wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" she says.

The husband says, "I''m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get
some food."

"Tiger wouldn''t do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He''d come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife
one more time. When they finish he''s tired and beat. He drags himself over to
the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No!  I''m calling Tiger Woods to find out what''s par for this hole!" 

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Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it''s got epilepsy" he tells the vet. Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven''t taken it out of the bowl yet".
 

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how
to pick the bloody thing up.
 

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?"
asks the Doctor. "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
 

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him
over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that''s your
air freshener swinging about!"
 

An old Irish farmer''s dog goes missing and he''s inconsolable. His wife says "Why don''t you put an advert in the paper?" He does, but two
weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies.
 

Paddy''s in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard. "I know" says Paddy "but I couldn''t breathe".
 

An answer I can understand .........
 

An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the Irishman replies: "If they
fell forwards, they''d still be in the bloody boat"

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Legendary quotes on France 

''France  has neither winter nor summer nor morals.

Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.

France has usually been governed by prostitutes.''

Mark Twain

------------ --------- ---------

''I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.''

General George S. Patton

------------ --------- ---------

''Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.''

Norman Schwarzkopf

------------ --------- ---------

''We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.''

Marge Simpson

------------ --------- ---------

''As far as I''m concerned, war always means failure.''

Jacques Chirac, President of France 

------------ --------- ---------

''The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army

is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.''

Regis Philbin

------------ --------- ---------

''You know, the French remind me a little bit of an ageing actress of the 1940s

who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn''t have the face for it.''

John McCain, U.S. Senator from  Arizona 

------------ --------- ---------

''The last time the French asked for ''more proof'' it came marching into Paris under a German flag.''

David Letterman

------------ --------- ---------

''Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada.''

Ted Nugent

------------ --------- ---------

''War without France would be like…...World War II.''

Unknown

------------ --------- ---------

''The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says ''First Iraq, then France .''''

Tom Brokaw

------------ --------- ---------

''What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its

national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?''

Dennis Miller

------------ --------- ---------

''It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.''

Alan Kent

------------ --------- --------

''They''ve taken their own precautions against al-Qa''ida.

To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape,

a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.''

Argus Hamilton

------------ --------- ---------

''Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day…the description was, ''Never shot. Dropped once.''

Rep. Roy Blunt, MO

------------ --------- --------

''The French will only agree to go to war when we''ve proven we''ve found truffles in  Iraq  ''

Dennis Miller

------------ --------- ---------

Q. What did the mayor of  Paris  say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?

A. Table for 100,000 m''sieur?

------------ --------- --------

''Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris ? It''s not known, it''s never been tried.''

Rep. R. Blount, MO

------------ --------- ---------

''Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII?

And that''s because it was raining.''

John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv

------------ --------- ---------

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney (AP), Paris , March 5, 2003

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney.

The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

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The Talking Centipede    

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,

(100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he

would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go to church

with me today? We will have a good time.."

But there was no answer
 from his new pet..

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, 
"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede''s house and shouted, 
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

.... YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ...

.

.

.

.

.

This time, a little voice came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time!

I''m putting my shoes on!"

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In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill. 

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
 

"I''m afraid I''m the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
 

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain

transplant.  It''s an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the

only hope.  Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay

for the brain yourselves."
 

The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news.. After a

great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
 

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain and $200 for a female brain...." 

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
 

One man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question

everyone wanted to ask:  "Why is the male brain so much more?"
 

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire

group, "It''s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the

price of the female brains...because they''ve actually been used."

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The improved

National Health Service              

 The British

Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David

Cameron''s health care proposals.  The Allergists voted

to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash

moves.  The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut

feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a

lot of nerve.  The Obstetricians felt they were all

labouring under a

misconception.  Ophthalmologists considered

the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists

yelled, "Over my dead body" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, grow

up"  

The Psychiatrists

thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see

right through it

Surgeons decided to wash

their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT Specialists

wouldn''t hear of it

The Physicians thought

it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said,

"This puts a whole new face on the matter....."

The Podiatrists thought

it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the

whole idea.
  

The Anaesthesiologists

thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn''t have

the heart to say no

In the end, the

Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the

arseholes in London .

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Once upon a time there were two brothers

One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble

The other brother however, was very good.

He was alwayskind to animals, helped elderly neighbors,and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.

The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.

The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died.

Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away.

He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me but I have not

seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending

eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."

"I''m sorry to hear that," the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and

wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish," God said.

"I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother

sitting on a bench.

In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said,

"I can''t believe what I''m seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a  keg of beer in one arm

and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot

be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem............... The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn''t."

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*Manure...** An interesting fact*  

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common. 

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. 

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!*  

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening  

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction '' Stow high in transit '' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.*  

Thus evolved the term '' S.H.I.T '' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.  

You probably did not know the true history of this word.  

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.
 

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Consider this...Question 1:

If you knew a woman who just got pregnant, who already had 8 kids, 3 kids

were deaf, 2 kids were blind, 1 kid mentally retarded, and the mother had

syphilis, would you recommend that she goes for an abortion?

 

Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.

 

Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are

the facts about the three candidates. 

Candidate A.

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist. He''s had

two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B.

He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon , used opium in college

and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C

He is a decorated war hero. He''s a vegetarian, doesn''t smoke, drinks an

occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

 

Which of these candidates would be our choice?

 

Decide first... and then scroll down for the response.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Candidate B is Winston Churchill.

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

 

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question, If you said YES,

you just killed Beethoven.

 

 

Pretty interesting isn''t it? Makes a person think before judging someone.

Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.


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An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey .  He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won''t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I''m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over..  I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.     Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don''t dig up that garden. That''s where the bodies are buried.
Love,  Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That''s the best I could do under the circumstances. 

Love you,   Vinnie

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A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, What would you want to talk about?"


"Oh, I don''t know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "but let me ask you a question first.   A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer poops little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps. Why is that?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl''s intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."


To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don''t know shit?"


The congressman remained quiet for the rest of the flight.

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[quote user="First Wazzock"]

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, What would you want to talk about?"


"Oh, I don''t know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "but let me ask you a question first.   A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer poops little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps. Why is that?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl''s intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."


To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don''t know sh*t?"


The congressman remained quiet for the rest of the flight.

[/quote]

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 A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma''am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn''t. He just walked in."

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A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her
Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me
the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will
have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and
your eyes water right here on my desk. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up.
"B-B-B-B-B-B-B-irmingham", he said.

"That''s no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who''s next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-
aisley"..

That''s no better.
There''ll be no sex for you, I''m afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out

" London ".

Brilliant, Paddy! Said the speech therapist and immediately set
about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for
breath and Paddy said
 
 
 
"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

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 A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question............
 
     WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
 
     HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
 
     WIFE: "Why not? Don''t you like being married?"
 
     HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
 
     WIFE: "Then why wouldn''t you remarry? "
 
     HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I''d get married again."
 
     WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
 
     HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
 
     WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
 
     HUSBAND: "Sure, it''s a great house."
 
     WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
 
     HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
 
     WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
 
     HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
 
     WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
 
    HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
 
     WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
 
     HUSBAND: "No, I''m sure she''d want her own."
 
     WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
 
     HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
 
     WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
 
     HUSBAND: "No, she''s left-handed."
 
     WIFE: .............Absolute Silence.

     HUSBAND:   "S_ _T!"

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Jane and Nora have hobbled outside their nursing home and are having a drink and a smoke when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, draws it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.  

Nora: What the hell is that?     

Jane: It''s a condom. This way my cigarette doesn''t get wet.  

Nora : Where did you get it?  

Jane: Down at the pharmacy.

The next day, Nora sneaks out of the home and hobbles down to the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a packet of condoms.   The pharmacist, surprised, looks at her curiously (she is after all, over 80 years of age) and then very delicately asks what brand of condom she might prefer.

"Doesn''t matter, lad - as long as it''ll fit on a Camel."
   
The pharmacist fainted.

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A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.

“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”
 
 
 The policeman asks, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”
 
 
 “My wife”, he replied.

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A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo , Japan . . .
 
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day''s meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
 
 
''I''m afraid not, sir,'' the clerk told him apologetically, ''but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.''
 
 
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
 
 
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,''Manicures, $20.00''.

 
''Why not?'' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
 
 
The next machine had a sign that read, ''This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.''
 
 
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
 
 
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit........ which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

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My wife''s been missing for two weeks, and today the Police came round and told me to "expect the worst".So I went and got all her things back from the charity shop.

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Paddy and Mick were looking through a catalogue.Paddy says "look at all those gorgeous women and the prices are reasonable too" Mick agrees and says " i am going to order one right now" Three weeks later Paddy says to Mick "has your woman turned up yet?" Mick replies " no but it shouldn''t be long,her clothes arrived yesterday"

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I ordered a chinese last night and when it turned up at my door the delivery boy said " £20 prease " I smiled and said " can you tell me the name of Jordan''s blind son?" He replied " Harfey Price" I said "thanks very much" and gave him a tenner.

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