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TIL 1010

The Friday Thread.

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Have you taken over responsibilty for this as well Beau? If so can i suggest The Butler be granted some leeway as i cannot find it today.

Anyway i have just had two women knock at my door giving me a lecture about the virtues of brown bread....ruddy Hovis witnesses.

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Sorry JT it''s my job, but I''ve been rather busy this morning!

anyhow...

 

Possibly the best photo caption competition ever...

 

[IMG]http://i54.tinypic.com/suvk41.jpg[/IMG]

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The ultimate Irish letter...

 

Dear Son,
 
Just a few lines to let you know I''m still alive.
I''m writing this letter slowly because I know you can''t read fast. We are All doing very well.
You won''t recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad  read in the newspaper that most accidents happen Within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won''t be able to send you The address because the last Irish family that lived Here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn''t have to Change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.. I''m not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and Pulled the chain and haven''t seen them since.
Your father''s got a really good job now. He''s got 500 men under him. He''s Cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven''t found out if it''s a boy or a girl, so I don''t know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.
Your brother Tom is still in the army. He''s only been there a short while And they''ve already made him a court martial!
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely.
They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
I''m sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his Bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me.
The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes.
Your father offered to buy it from him.
The weather isn''t bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.
We had a letter from the under-taker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother''s Plot wasn''t paid in seven days, up she comes.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy To send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours To get me and your father out.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down The window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because They couldn''t get the tailgate down.
There isn''t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
 
Your loving Mum
 
P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

 

 

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One for Tilly...

The ''Man'' Poem
 
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out. 
What used to be my sex appeal, 
Is now my water spout. 
 
Time was when, on its own accord, 
From my trousers it would spring. 
But now I''ve got a full time job, 
To find the ******* thing.
 
It used to be embarrassing, 
The way it would behave.
For every single morning, 
It would stand and watch me shave. 
 
Now as old age approaches, 
It sure gives me the blues. 
To see it hang its little head, 
And watch me tie my shoes!!

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A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet''s surgery.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the bird''s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said ''I''m so
sorry, your duck Cuddles has passed away''

The distressed owner wailed ''Are you sure?''

''Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead'' he replied..

''How can you be so sure,'' she protested.. '' I mean, you haven''t done
any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something''

The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned
a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck''s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
legs, put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog, and took it out, and returned a few minutes
later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird
from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head,
mewed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, ''I''m sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck''.

The vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he
handed to the woman.

The duck''s owner, still in shock, took the bill. £150!'', she cried,
£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!''

The vet just shrugged, and said ''I''m sorry. If you''d taken my word for
it, the bill would only have been £20, but with the Lab report and the
Cat scan, it''s now £150.

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Last night my wife asked me " how many women have you slept with?"

I proudly answered "only you my darling! "All the others kept me awake all night shagging"!

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This should be an easy quiz for those who have even a modicum of knowledge about aircraft. 
The answer may surprise you.

 
"What is the primary advantage of rotary-winged aircraft over fixed-winged aircraft?" 

 

[IMG]http://i54.tinypic.com/zjxi7o.jpg[/IMG]

I didn''t get it either!

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One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it''s his daughter''s birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, ''How much for one of those Barbie''s in the display window?''


The salesperson answers, ''Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95''.
 
The amazed father asks: ''It''s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?''
 
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: ''Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken''s Car, Ken''s House, Ken''s Boat, Ken''s Furniture, Ken''s Computer and one of Ken''s Friends.
 
 

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The other night I was invited out for a night with the ''girls.''
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ''I promise!''
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ''MIDNIGHT''... he didn''t seem peed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said ''We need a new cuckoo clock.''

When I asked him why, he said, ''Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ''oh sh*t.'' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted.

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Paddy had been drinking at his local all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. 
Mick, the bartender says, ‘You''ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.
Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I''ll be on my way then’. 
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.
He falls flat on his face. ‘Shite’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,
Shite, Shite !’
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he''ll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better
And takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame,  opens the door and  drags himself inside.
He crawls up the stairs takes a step into the  spare room and falls flat on his face.  After 2 hours he manages to get onto the bed.
The next morning, his wife,  Mary , comes into the room  with a cup of tea and says, ‘ You must have had a real skinful last night.
 
Paddy says, ‘I did,  Mary I was  in a bad way  how  did you know '' ?
 
Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.’

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[quote user="First Wazzock"]

One for Tilly...

The ''Man'' Poem
 
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out. 
What used to be my sex appeal, 
Is now my water spout. 
 
Time was when, on its own accord, 
From my trousers it would spring. 
But now I''ve got a full time job, 
To find the ******* thing.
 
It used to be embarrassing, 
The way it would behave.
For every single morning, 
It would stand and watch me shave. 
 
Now as old age approaches, 
It sure gives me the blues. 
To see it hang its little head, 
And watch me tie my shoes!!

[/quote]

Wazz old mate i am not called The Fanny Magnet for nothing you know.Unlike me your poem is suffering from being a little bit ahead of itself if you know what i mean[:P]

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Why is shagging a fat bird like riding a moped?Because they are both fun to ride but you feel a total tw@t when someone sees you riding one.

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Just to show I am still allowed out on my own!

 

A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford.
 He radios for backup.
 "What''s the situation?"
 "A big fat black bloke is dancing on a car roof."
 "You can''t say that over the radio" replies the operator, "You have to use
 the politically correct terminology"
 "OK" he says.
 "Zulu...Tango....Sierra."

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These are actual comments made on students'' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)         1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.         2. I would not allow this student to breed.         3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.         4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)         5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.         6. The student has a ''full six-pack'' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.         7. This child has been working with glue too much.         8. When your daughter''s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.         9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn''t coming..         10. If this student were any more stupid, he''d have to be watered twice a week.         11. It''s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.         12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.              These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actualpolice car videos around the     country:         1. "You know, stop lights don''t come any redder than the one you just went through."         2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they''re new. They''ll stretch after you wear them a while."         3. "If you take your hands off the car, I''ll make your birth certificate a worthless document."         4. "If you run, you''ll only go to jail tired."         5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that''s the speed of the bullet that''ll be chasing you."         (LOVE IT)          6. "You don''t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"         (MY FAVOURITE)          7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don''t think it         will help. Oh, did I mention that I''m the shift supervisor?"         8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I''m warning you not to do that again         or I''ll give you another ticket."         9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or         not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"         10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to          ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."         11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."         12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."  (National Crime Information Center)          13. "Just how big were those ''two beers'' you say you had?"         14. "No sir, we don''t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we''re allowed to write as many tickets as we can."         15. "I''m glad to hear that the Chief(of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."         AND THE WINNER IS....         16. "You didn''t think we give pretty women tickets? You''re right, we don''t..          Sign here.

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At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, ''I

notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle

drippings?''

''Good question,'' noted the Rabbi. ''We save them up and send them back to

the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of

candles.''

''Oh,'' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

''What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?''

''Ah, yes,'' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to

trap him with an unanswerable question. ''We collect them and send them

back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free

box of bread-wafers.''

''I see,'' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster

the know-it-all Rabbi. ''Well, Rabbi,'' he went on, ''what do you do with

all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?''

''Here, too, we do not waste,'' answered the Rabbi.''What we do is save all

the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year

they send us a complete dick.''

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