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The Butler

Friday (and I am back)

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I think we all know a few politicians who could have the same name!

Brilliant! Ax

You''ll love this!!!

President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate. Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his “red sisters and brothers.”

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, “Walking Eagle.” The proud President then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.. A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the President.

They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly..

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Welcome Back.

 

 Improvements to Airport Security.................

This has got to be one of the greatest ideas I''ve heard......... and I''m sure that someone could figure out how to do it!

Here''s a simple solution to the controversy over full-body scanners at airports.
Develop an enclosed booth that passengers step into but , instead of X-raying them,  when the door closes, it will detonate any explosive
device they have hidden on or in their body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth. This would be a win-win for everyone!

There would be no concern  about racial profiling. The booth would eliminate long, expensive trials.

You''re in the airport and you hear a muffled explosion, followed by an announcement over the PA  system, "Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number..."

What''s not to like?

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After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn''t buy them a bigger bed and they weren''t strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn''t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, ''I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don''t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.''

''Trust me, it will do the job'', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: ''1, 2, 3, 4, 5,'' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Hull, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales.

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On the PA system at a local supermarket

Clean-up required on aisle 25, we have a husband down.''

A husband and wife are shopping in their local ASDA.

The husband picks up a case of lager and puts it in their cart.

''What do you think you''re doing?'' asks the wife.

''They''re on sale, only £10 for 24 cans

''Put them back, we can''t afford them'', demands the wife,
and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream
and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you''re doing?'' asks the husband.

''It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,''

Her husband retorts: ''So does 24 cans of lager
and it''s only half the f***in price

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A couple sat in the lounge, hubby is flicking TV channels.

Footy...Porn...Footy...Porn

Wife says leave it on the Porn, you know how to play footy.

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Wife says to husband ''Did you know a bull has sex 3000 times a year, why can''t you''?

Husband, ''ask the bull if he does it with the same miserable cow every night''

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I said to the missus let''s play Chilean miners.

She said ''do you want me to go down your shaft til I reach the bottom''?

I said '' No I want you to f**k off out of my sight for 3 months''.

 

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I braked hard but still hit the car in front.

A cute blonde got out and shouted ''Ram me up the ***ing @rse why don''t you''?

This your honour is where I believe all the confusion began...

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Roy Keane was interviewed on Sky Sports News today, about Town''s current

form and with the transfer window to re-open soon, he was asked "How

far are you from a promotion winning team?"Keane replied, "About 45 miles."

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[quote user="nolegs"]Roy Keane was interviewed on Sky Sports News today, about Town''s current form and with the transfer window to re-open soon, he was asked "How far are you from a promotion winning team?"

Keane replied, "About 45 miles."[/quote]

[Y]

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A policeman came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.

He said, ''Is this your wife Sir?''

Shocked I answered ''Yes''.

He said, ''I''m afraid it looks like she has been in a car accident''.

I said, ''I know but she has a lovely personality''.

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