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First Wazzock

The Butler's Friday Joke Thread...

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A scouser is on holiday in Arizona USA. He''s staying in a remote
frontier type town and walks into a bar .

He orders his drink and sits down at the bar when he notices a native
American Indian, dressed in full regalia, feathered head dress,
tomahawk, spear, the lot, sitting in the corner under a sign saying
''Ask me anything''

The scouser is intrigued and asks the barman about him.

''Oh, we call him the memory man, He knows everything.'' says the barman.

''What do you mean he knows everything?'' asks the scouser.

''Well, he knows every fact there is to know and he never, ever forgets
anything''

''Yeah right'' says the scouser.

''If you don''t believe me, try him out. Ask him anything, and he''ll know
the answer''

''Alright'' says the Scouser and walks up to the Memory Man.

''Where am I from
?''

''Knotty Ash, Liverpool , England '' says the Red Indian. And he was
right.

''Alright'' says the scouser, ''that was easy you probably recognised my
accent. Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?''

'' Liverpool '' says the memory man quick as a flash.

''Yes and who did they play?''

''Leeds United'' again without blinking

''And the score?''

''2-1'' says the memory man without hesitation.

''Pretty good, but I bet you don''t know who scored the winning goal?''

''Ian St John'' says the Indian in an instant.

Flabbergasted the tourist continues on his holiday and on his return to
Birkenhead tells all and sundry about the amazing Memory Man. He just
can''t get him out of his mind and so he vows to return and find him
again and pay him his due respect .

He saves his dole money for years and finally twelve years later he has
saved enough and returns to the states in search of the memory
man.

He searches high and low for him. And after two weeks of trying
virtually every bar and town in Arizona he finds him sitting in a cave
in the mountains, older, greyer and more wrinkled than before but still
resplendent in his war paint and full regalia.

The scouser, duly humbled approaches him and decides to greet him in
the traditional Indian manner..

''How''.

The memory man squints at the scouser.

''Flying header in the six yard box.''

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program…
   
    
    The next day, there''s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, ''If you can catch me, you can have me.''
    
    Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
    
    On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
    
    The next day there''s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ''If you catch me you can have me''.
    
    Well, he''s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
    
    Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
    
    ''Are you sure?'' asks the representative on the phone... ''This is our most rigorous program.''
    
    ''Absolutely,'' he replies, ''I haven''t felt this good in years.''
    
    The next day there''s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, ''If I catch you, you''re mine.''
    
    He lost 63 pounds that week.

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A precious little  girl walks into a PetSmart shop and asks,

in  the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,

mithter,  do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As  the shopkeeper''s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that

he''s  on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,

or a  thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle

bwown  wabbit over there?"

She,  in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her

hands  on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I  don''t think my python weally gives a thit."

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Financial planning.....

Dan was a single guy

living at home with his father and working in the family business.When

he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he

decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.One

evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had

ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may look like just

an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die

and I will inherit $200 million."Intrigued and impressed, the woman

asked for his business card; three weeks later she became his

stepmother.Women are so much better at financial planning than

men.

"Success is not the key to happiness.Happiness is the

key to success.If you love what you are doing,you will be

successful."- Albert Schweitzer

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Interesting piece of history:


In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat''s lower intestine .

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

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Little Johnny watched his daddy''s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods..Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.''Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy''s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...''

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, ''Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy''s face when you tell it tonight.''

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, ''I was at the playground and I saw Daddy''s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs....''

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

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An archaeological team, digging in Washington DC, has uncovered 10,000 year old bones and fossil remains
of what is believed to be the first Politician.

[IMG]http://i55.tinypic.com/2yz0kg0.jpg[/IMG]

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JACK (age 3) was

watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.... After a while

he asked: ''Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold

milk?
''

MELANIE (age 5)
asked

her Granny how old she was.. Granny replied she was so old she didn''t

remember any more. Melanie said, ''If you don''t remember you must look in

the back of your panties.  Mine say five to  six.''

STEVEN (age 3)
hugged and kissed his Mom good night. ''I love you so much that when you die I''m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.''

BRITTANY (age 4)
had

an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid

off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a

child-proof cap and she''d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with

wonder, the little girl asked: ''How does it know it''s me?''

SUSAN (age 4)
was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. ''Please don''t give me this juice again,'' she said, ''It makes my teeth cough..''

DJ (age 4)
stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: ''How much do I cost?''

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked

what was troubling him, he replied, ''I don''t know what''ll happen with

this bed when I get married..  How will my wife fit in it?''

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and

kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his

dad: ''Why is he whispering in her mouth?''

TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather

wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy  looked at her for a while and then

asked, ''Why doesn''t your skin fit your face?''

JAMES (age 4)
was

listening to a Bible story. His dad read: ''The man named Lot was warned

to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and

was turned to salt.''  Concerned, James asked: ''What happened to the

flea?''

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.....

This particular Sunday sermon....''Dear Lord,'' the minister began, with

arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.

''Without you, we are but dust...''  He would have continued but at that

moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and

asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice,

''Mom, what is butt dust?''

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Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered.Here for the

first time is a description of their properties.Element Name: WOMANSymbol: WOAtomic Weight: (don''t even go there!)Physical Properties:1) Generally round in form.2) Boils at nothing and may freeze any time.3) Melts whenever treated properly.4) Very bitter if not used well.Chemical properties:1) Very active.2) Highly unstable.3) Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum,and precious stones.4) Violent when left alone.5) Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food.6) Turns slightly green when placed next to a betterspecimen.Usage:1) Highly ornamental.2) An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.3) Probably the most powerful income reducing agentknown.Caution:1) Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.2) Illegal to possess more than one except in Utah.* * * * * * * * * * * * * *Element Name: MANSymbol: XYAtomic

Weight: (180 +/- 50)Physical properties:Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shapeeasily.Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.Difficult to find a pure sample.Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conductelectricity as easily as youngsamples.Chemical properties:Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.Also tends to form strong bonds with itself.Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child)for prolonged period of time.Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.Usage:None known.Possibly good methane source.Good samples are able to produce large quantities oncommand.Caution:In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposesand begins to smell.

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If men ruled the world......God save us!!! [;)]
 
 

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and "Cheers for the sex - now f*** off" would pretty much do it.  2. Birth control would come in lager.  3. Valentine''s Day would be moved to February 29, so it would only occur in leap years.  4. On Mothers Day, you''d get the day off to go drinking.  5. Instead of "beer-belly", you''d get "beer-biceps".  6. Tanks would be far easier to rent.  7. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.  8. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.  9. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.  10. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she''d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.  11. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."  12. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.  13. "Sorry, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.  14. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.  15. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.  16. Lager would have the same effect as

Viagra.  17. "Fancy a shag" would be the only chat up line in existence and it would work every time.  18. Everyone would drive at least 70mph and anyone driving under that would be fined.  19. Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers and £2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks.  21. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.  22. Everyone would have a real Light Sabre and a fight to the death would settle any disagreements.  23. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex.  24. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you''d get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintstone.

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If you take a long time, you''re slow. BUT if your boss takes a long time, he''s thorough. If you don''t do it, you''re lazy. BUT if your boss doesn''t do it, he''s too busy. If you make a mistake, you''re an idiot. BUT if your boss makes a mistake, he''s "only human." If you''re on a day off sick, you''re "always" sick. BUT if your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill. If you take a stand, you''re being bull-headed. BUT if your boss does it, he''s being firm.

If you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you''re being rude. BUT if your boss skips a few rules, he''s being original. If you do something without being told, you''re overstepping your authority. BUT if your boss does the same thing, that''s initiative. If you''re out of the office, you''re wandering around. BUT if your boss is out of the office, he''s on business. If

you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. BUT if your boss applies for leave, it''s because he''s overworked.

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Getting A Hairdryer Through Customs... 

A

young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the pr iest beside her,

''Father, may I ask a favor?'' ''Of course child. What can I do for

you?'' ''Well, I bought an expensive woman''s electric hair dryer for my

Mother''s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and

I''m afraid they''ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it

through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps? 

 

''I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'' 

''With

your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'' When they got to

Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked,

''Father, do you have anything to declare?'' 

''From

the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'' The

official thought this answer strange, so he asked, ''And what do you have

to declare from your waist to the floor?'' 

''I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'' 

 

Roaring with laughter, the official said, ''Go ahead, Father. Next!''

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[quote user="Woman in the Stands"]If men ruled the world......
[/quote]What do you mean ''IF'' [:P][:D]

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A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and say''s hello.

He''s rather taken a back, because he can''t place where he knows her from, so he says "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you''re the father of... one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"

She said, "No, I''m your son''s math teacher."

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[quote user="dhickl"][quote user="Woman in the Stands"]If men ruled the world......
[/quote]What do you mean ''IF'' [:P][:D][/quote]

 

You''ve clearly never been married![:P][:D]

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Maybe we should rename this the First Wazzock and WITS joke thread [:)]

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It was the happiest day of my life. Arrived at the church, husband waiting at the altar.

Walked up the aisle, kissed him on the cheek, smiled and closed the lid.

 

[:O]

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An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. 

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African String-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
 


A few days later, the wife asked the husband,

"How is our little Tribal experiment coming along?" 

"Well, it looks like we''re about half way there," he replied. 

"Wow, you mean it''s grown to 12 inches?"

 

"No. It''s turned black."

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[quote user="Beauseant"]

[quote user="dhickl"][quote user="Woman in the Stands"]If men ruled the world......[/quote]What do you mean ''IF'' [:P][:D][/quote]

 

You''ve clearly never been married![:P][:D]

[/quote]You are clearly quite wrong about your presumptions. It is never a good idea to assume as it can make an ass of u and me [;)]

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[quote user="Woman in the Stands "][quote user="Beauseant"]

[quote user="dhickl"][quote user="Woman in the Stands"]If men ruled the world......
[/quote]What do you mean ''IF'' [:P][:D][/quote]

 

You''ve clearly never been married![:P][:D]

[/quote]

You are clearly quite wrong about your presumptions. It is never a good idea to assume as it can make an ass of u and me [;)]
[/quote]

It was a response to dhickl, and I just knew you were a teacher![;)]

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