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First Wazzock

The Friday Joke Thread

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Chilean miner making love to his wife for the first time since release...

''Can we switch the lights off?''

...''Of course Honey''...

...''Can I have you from behind?''...

...''Anything you want my brave hero''...

...''OK can I call you Pedro?''

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A  fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything  they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver  walls that could move apart and then slide back  together again.
The  boy asked, ''What is this Father?'' The father  (never having seen an elevator) responded, ''Son,  I have never seen anything like this in my  life,

I  don''t know what it is. While the boy and  his father were watching with  amazement,  an  ugly old lady in a wheel
chair moved up to the  moving walls and pressed a  button.  The  walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.  The  walls closed, and the boy and his father watched  the small numbers above the walls light up  sequentially.. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers  began to light in the reverse  order.
Finally the walls opened up again  and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped  out.
The father, not taking his eyes off  the young woman, said quietly to his  son.
''Go get your  Mother.''

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A man is sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

‘What was that for?’

‘What was that piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Annie-May written on it?’

‘Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Annie-May was the name of one of the horses I bet on. ‘

The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later the man is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

‘What the hell was that for this time?’

‘Your horse called.’

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Global Facts About Sex

At Any Given Moment:


FACT:79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!
FACT:58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT:37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT:1 elderly person is reading emails.
You hang in there, Sunshine .......

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 1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - ''This is really a lovely horse.
I once rode her mother.''

 2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - ''Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him.''

 3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - ''And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!''

 4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - ''Ah, isn''t
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxford crew.''

 5. US PGA Commentator - ''One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls
and kisses them . Oh my god !! What have I just said??''

 6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ''Time Team Live''
said: ''You''d eat beaver if you could get it.''

 7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn''t, turned to the weatherman and asked, ''So Bob, where''s that eight
inches you promised me last night?'' Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

 8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: ''Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69 yesterday.''

 9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on ''Look North'' said:
''There''s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like
this. ''

 10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on ''Sky Sports'': ''Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis''s misses every chance he gets.''

 11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1''s UK eclipse coverage remarked: ''They seem
cold out there. They''re rubbing each other and he''s only come in his

 12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: ''Some weeks Nick likes to use
Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.''

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English as the official language of Europe

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing public enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the language is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "0" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German lik zey vunted in ze forst plas…

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Dear Wife,
I am writing you this letter to tell you that I''m leaving you forever.  I''ve been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell; your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week you came home and didn''t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.  You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don''t tell me you love me anymore; you don''t want anything that connects us as husband and wife.  Either  you''re cheating on me or you don''t love me any more - whatever the case, I''m gone.
Your EX-Husband
PS:  Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together!  Have a nice day.
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.  It''s true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you''ve been..
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping.  Too bad that doesn''t work.
I did notice your haircut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was, ''You look just like a girl!''  Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can''t say something nice, I didn''t comment.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
About those new silk boxers - I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them and I pray it was a coincidence that my sister had borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out.  So when I hit the Lotto for $10 million, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica , but when I got home you were gone.  Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.  My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won''t get a dime from me.  So take care.

Your Ex-Wife - Rich as hell and FREE!
PS:  I don''t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.  I hope that''s not a problem.

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A young Arab asks his father:
- What is this weird hat that we are wearing ?
It''s a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun !
- And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing ?
It''s a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body !
- And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet ?
These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert !
Tell me, papa...
Yes, my son?
Why are we living in Hackney and still wearing all this sh*t?

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Roy, the poofta, goes into the doctor''s office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says,'' Roy , I''m not going to beat around the bush.

You have AIDS.''

Roy is devastated. ''Doc, what Can I do?

Eat 1 curry sausage,

1 head of Cabbage,

20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,

10 Jalapeno Peppers,

40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,

1/2 box Of All Bran,

And top it off with a litre of prune juice..''

Roy asks bewildered,

'' Will that cure me, Doc?''

Doc says, No, But it should leave you with a better understanding

Of what your @RSE is for.

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Confucius he say,

"If you are in a bookshop and cannot find
the book for which you search, you are obviously in the......


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An elderly senior couple were invited to an old friend''s home for dinner one evening.

She  was impressed by the way her lady friend  preceded every request to her husband with  endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The  couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While  the husband was in the living  room, her lady  friend leaned over to her host to say, ''I think  it''s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving pet names''.

The  elderly lady hung her head. ''I have to tell you  the truth,'' she said, ''His name slipped my mind  about 10 years ago, and I''m scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.

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For those that don''t know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.(Sorry, can''t copy picture)

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. 

Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters. 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?GENERAL COSGROVE:! We''re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.  FEMALE

INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That''s a bit irresponsible, isn''t it?GENERAL COSGROVE:I don''t see why, they''ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.FEMALE INTERVIEWER:Don''t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?GENERAL COSGROVE:I don''t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle

discipline before they even touch a firearm.
   FEMALE INTERVIEWER:But you''re equipping them to become violent killers.GENERAL COSGROVE:Well, Ma''am, you''re equipped to be a prostitute, but you''re not one, are you?The

radio went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over.

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 Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better Tesco Condoms - every little helps Nike Condoms - just do it Peugeot Condoms - the ride of your life Galaxy Condoms - why have rubber

when you can have silk KFC Condoms - finger licking good Minstrels Condoms - melts in your mouth, not in your hand Safeway Condoms - lightening the load Abbey National Condoms - because life is complicated enough Coca Cola Condoms - the real thing Ever Ready Condoms - keep going and going Macintosh Condoms - it does more, it costs less, its that simple Pringles Condoms - once you pop you cant stop Burger King Condoms - home of the whopper Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide **** - no comment required Muller light Condoms - so much pleasure, but wheres the pain Flash Condoms - just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hardwork Halford Condoms - we go the extra mile Royal Mail Condoms - i saw this and thought of you Andrex Condoms - soft, strong and very very long Renault Condoms - size really does matter Ronseal Condoms - does

exactly what it says on the tin Ronseal quick Drying Condoms - its dry and waterproof in about 30 minutes Domestos Condoms - gets right under the rim Heineken Condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach Carlsburg Condoms - probably the best condom in the world Mars Condoms - a condom a day helps you work rest and play AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service Pepperami Condoms - its a bit of an animal

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First I

was afraid I was petrifiedAt the ugly slapper that was lying by my sideI

would''ve drunk a little less, I would''ve tried to keep my head.If I''d known

for just one second you''d assault me in your bed…I tried to go, walk out the

doorBut you''ve been sitting on my legs and I can''t feel them anymore And

now you''re sitting on my face, my nose has vanished - not a trace, I only

hope that your big knickers aren''t made of liquorice laceI want to go, I''ve

got to leaveBefore your fat and naked body makes me want to heave Only

hope that no one saw me walking home with such a slut.God the things that

you get up to when you''re half cut.Please let me go, I''m getting

scaredThere''s nothing I can do to stop those ugly breasts from being

bared.I think that I must have been mad,God what made me want to court

her?With t*ts that look like Tesco bags I''ve just filled up with

waterIt''s time to go, run out the doorShe''s started hinting she wants

sex on her dirty lino floorI don''t think there''s anything worse than the

al-co-hol-ics curse.I WILL SURVIVE !

To which

the girls reply.........



At first

I was afraid, I was petrified.By the ugly w***er that was lying by my side.

I would''ve drunk a little less, I would''ve tried to keep my head,If I''d

know for just one second I''d be in your crusty bed...I tried to go, walk out

the door.But I laughed so hard at your small knob that I''ve fallen on the

floor.Your butts a pimply mess, it''s just a broken-out disgrace, But I''d

rather look at that, than at your F###ing ugly face...!I want to go, I''ve

got to leave.Your talk of chicks and football really makes me want to

heave.I only know I''ve got to stop my drinking spirits and the beerCoz

when I looked at you last night, you looked just like Richard Gere !Please

let me go, I feel quite sick,We had the worst sex in the world and you''re an

ugly p**ck I should have shagged your gorgeous mate, at least he''s got a

lovely flatBut no I go and trust the booze and now I''m stuck with you, you

tw*t.It''s time to go, run out the door.You look so ugly it should really

be against the law.I''m going to give up all the booze, I''m going to have no

stupid funCoz waking up beside your mug, just makes me want to be a nun !


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