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First Wazzock

The Butler's Friday Joke Thread

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Ok so it''s not The Butler, but it is HIS thread...

Just got back from hols and found this, it is slightly late but it made me smile!



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Paddy is passing by Mick''s hay shed one day when through a gap in the door,
he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly,
followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move,
lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .
Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath
and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.
''What on earth are you doing Mick'' says Paddy
''Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me''  says an obviously embarrassed Mick,
''but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department,
and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor . "

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A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, ''Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?''

The little girl said, "I don''t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn''t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I''ve never seen you work so late. What''s the matter?"

He said "I don''t want to talk about it, I''ve just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you''ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

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A dog lover, whose  dog was a bitch and ''in heat'', agreed to look after and house her  neighbours’'' male dog while they were away on vacation.
She had a large house  however and believed that she could keep them apart but as she was drifting  off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs  and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage  as so frequently happens when they mate.
Unable to separate them  and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late,  she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy  voice.
 Having explained  the problem to him, the vet said. “hang up the phone and place it down  alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be  able to withdraw".
 "Do you think that will  work?" she asked
"It just worked for me"  he replied

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Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at  the vet''s when they strike up a conversation.

The black Lab turns to the chocolate Lab and says, "So why are you  here?"

The Chocolate Lab replies, "I''m a pi*ser. I pi*s on  everything.....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids But the  final straw was last night when I pi*sed in the middle of my owner''s  bed."

The black Lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," comes the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They reckon it''ll calm me down."

The black Lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you  here?"

The yellow Lab says, "I''m a digger I dig under fences,  dig up flowers and trees.
I dig just for the hell of it. When I''m  inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquires.

"Looks like I''m losing my nuts too, the dejected yellow Lab says.

The  yellow Lab then turns to the black Lab and asks, "Why are you  here?"

"I''m a humper," the black Lab says. "I''ll hump  anything. I''ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, whatever. 

I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower  and was bending down to dry her toes. I just couldn''t help myself.  I hopped on her back and started hammering away"

The yellow and  chocolate Labs exchange a sad glance and says, "So, nuts off for you  too, huh?"

The black Lab says ...."No, I''m here to get my  nails clipped."

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How fast can you guess these words?
1. BOO_S 
2. _ _ NDOM
3. P_N_S
4. F_ _ K
5. PU_S_
6. S_X



6. SIX

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Thanks oh Wazzy.

Busy night last night!!

Driving to the office this morning on the M25 motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!


I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!

It scared me (and this coming from a bloke....) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand.


In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.


Bloody Women Drivers!!!!!!!


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Stephen Hawking came back from his first date for 10 years. His glasses were smashed, wrist broken, twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Aparently she stood him up.

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During his visit last week the Pope found the time to give an interview to FHM magazine. Unfortunately, when asked about his favourite grooming products he answered "Haribo and Smarties."

I also understand that he was rather upset when the coffee was served after the State banquet and no-one passed around the Under Eights.

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The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the Celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions. Just as he reached the Papal Climax, he saw a paparazzi photographer capturing the moment of the holy seed flying through the air. "Hold on a minute," said the Pope, "you can''t publish that. You''ll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church."

"This picture is my lottery win." said the photographer. "I''ll be financially secure for life."

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million dollars. The Pope then dried himself off and headed off with his new camera.
He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. "That looks like a really good camera," she said "how much did it cost you?"

"Two million dollars" replied the Pope.

"TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" said the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming!" 

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A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone.
  She approached him. ''My name is Carmen,'' she told him.
  ''That''s a beautiful name,'' he replied, ''Is it a family name?''
  ''No,'' she replied, ''I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most.... cars and men.''''What''s your name?'' she asked.
  He replied, ''Bob Titsenbeer.''

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There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I''ll explain the toy . . You explain the 3 kids."

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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, ''Dat''s dem.''

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

''Yeah, we''ll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,'' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry''s truck to drive to the top of the  Connor   Pass.  

At the  Connor   Pass  , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, ''Dis looks like a grand place.''

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his

best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, ''Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook''n dangerous for me!''


Moment''s later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.


been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying

another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

''Hi, Paddy, watch dis,'' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his

head and says, ''And I''m never trying dat parrotshooting either!''


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He''s also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.


then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and

disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.


dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus

parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook''n hengliding!''

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Couldn''t resist posting this one folks [;)]

The Penis Poem

My nookie days are over,

My pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal,

Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,

From my trousers it would spring.

But now I''ve got a full time job,

To find the f***in'' thing.

It used to be embarrassing,

The way it would behave.

For every single morning,

It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,

It sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its little head,

And watch me tie my shoes!!

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A nun walks into Mother Superior''s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 


''What troubles you, Sister?'' asked the Mother Superior. ''I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'' 

''It was,'' sighed the Sister. ''And I went to play golf with my brother.

We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented

golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'' 


''I seem to recall that,'' the Mother Superior agreed. ''So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?''

''Far from it,'' snorted the Sister. ''In fact, I even took the Lord''s name in vain today!''

''Goodness, Sister!'' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ''You must tell me all about it!'' 


''Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother

-540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I

hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.


And it''s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !''


''Oh my!'' commiserated the Mother. ''How unfortunate! But surely that didn''t make you blaspheme, Sister!''

''No, that wasn''t it,'' admitted Sister. ''While I was still trying to

fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my

ball and runs off down the fairway!'' 


''Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!'' sympathized the Mother.

''But I didn''t, Mother!'' sobbed the Sister. ''And I was so proud of

myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this

hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with

my ball still clutched in his paws!'' 


''So that''s when you cursed,'' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

''Nope, that wasn''t it either,'' cried the Sister, anguished, ''because as

the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling,

and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped

out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'' 


Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... 

''You missed the f
*cking putt, didn''t you?''

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So, there''s this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn''t want to be yellow.


Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He''d sure be less visible to predators for one thing.


This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please

make me brown like the other toads," begs her. "I''m hacked off being so

visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"

"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: 

"Abracapokus! You''re brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his weenie, which is still yellow.


"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker''s still yellow!"


well I don''t do weenies," she says, "You''ll have to go see the Wizard

of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.


is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck

would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay

it''s a coincidence, but it''s true).



Godmother! You''re just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I

can''t pull any bearesses cos they don''t want to be seen with me on

account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."


a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for

goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she says.

And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You''re brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.


"Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"

"Yeah, well I don''t do those goolie things," she replies, "You''ll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."

"Well that''s just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"

"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off...........












you know what''s coming don''t you ?









you''ll be sorry you ever gave me your email address

after this....








she flew off, saying.......


"Just follow the yellow-dick toad !! "

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They just interviewed the Welsh Athletics team manager on Radio 5 Live."It''s awful," he said.  "No running water, inadequate sanitation, no power, crumbling buildings, poverty and filth everywhere.... frankly, we can''t wait to fly out to Delhi."

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George Michael was transferred to another prison - and a mandatory strip search was performed on him on arrival....

The prison officer performing the search, discovered a chocolate bar wrapper, slightly protruding from George''s back passage....

"What''s this George?" asked the prison officer....George replied "It''s only a careless wispa"....

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