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The Butler

Friday chuckle

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Some more Signs

Sign over a Gynaecologist''s Office:

''Dr. Jones, at your cervix.''

**************************

 In a Podiatrist''s office:

''Time wounds all heels.''

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday''s Meals on Wheels

**************************

On a Plumber''s  truck:

''We repair what your husband fixed.''

**************************

On another Plumber''s truck:

''Don''t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.''

**************************

On a Church''s Bill board:

''7 days without God makes one weak.''

**************************

At a Tyre Store

''Invite us to your next blowout.''

**************************

On an Electrician''s truck:

''Let us remove your shorts.''

**************************

In a Non-smoking Area:

''If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.''

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:

''Push. Push. Push.''

**************************

At an Optometrist''s Office:

''If you don''t see what you''re looking for, you''ve come to the right place.''

**************************

On a Taxidermist''s window:

''We really know our stuff.''

**************************

On a Fence:

''Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!''

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

''The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.''

**************************

Outside a Car Exhaust Store:

''No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.''

**************************

In a Vets waiting room:

''Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!''

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

''Don''t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.''

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

''Drive carefully. We''ll wait.''

**************************

And don''t forget the sign at a

RADIATOR SHOP:

''Best place in town to take a leak.''

**********************

Sign on the back of yet another

Septic Tank Truck:

''Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises''

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Love ''em Butler!
Choosing a wife
A

man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three

likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches

to see what they do with the money.
The

first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her

hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very

nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more

attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The

second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of

golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive

clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent

all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The

third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the

£5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a

joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future

because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he''d given her.Then he married the one with the biggest tits.Men are like that, you know.

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A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, ''Please, may I hide under your skirt. I''ll explain later.'' The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?''The nun replied, ''He went that way.''After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, ''I can''t thank you enough Sister. You see, I don''t want to go to Afghanistan .''The nun said, ''I understand completely.'' The soldier added, ''I hope I''m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!''The

nun replied, ''If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a

great pair of balls....I don''t want to go to Afghanistan either.''

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FIRST TIME SEX

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to

meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such

a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it''s his first

time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an

hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about

condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he''d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl''s parent''s

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. ''Oh, I''m so

excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!''

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl''s parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head..

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no

movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,

''I had no idea you were this religious.''

The boy turns, and whispers back, ''I had no idea

your father was a pharmacist.''

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The ending is especially for First Jedi! [;)]

As we have just come to the end of summer - I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.

I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. 

I no longer open a bathroom door
 
without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. 

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room
 
because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. 

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread
 
because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed... 

I have trouble shaking hands
 
with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose. 

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip
 
because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. 

I can’t touch any woman’s purse
 
for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. 

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS 
to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. 

ALSO, 
now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. 

I no longer have any savings
 
because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time. 

I no longer have any money, 
but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. 

I no longer worry about my soul 
because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish. 

I can’t have a drink in a bar
 because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone. 

I can’t eat at KFC
 
because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. 

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants
 
even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. 

THANKS TO YOU 
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. 

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN,
 
I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. 

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up. 

 

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans. 

I no longer use Cling Wrap
 
in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. 

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW 
I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life. 

 

I no longer go to the movies 
because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down 

I no longer go to shopping malls 
because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. 

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex
 
since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because

someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill

with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan 

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus 
since I now have their recipe. 

THANKS TO YOU 
I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt. 

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I

can’t ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it

probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend

over... 

I no longer drive my car
 
because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators. 

I can’t do any gardening
 
because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. 

If

you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70

minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.

tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,

causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it

actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s

ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . .

. 

Oh, by the way.....
 

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain
 activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
 

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
 

PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

 

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Oh To Be 12 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his partner, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she''d like to have for her Birthday.

''I''d like to be twelve again'', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the

park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming

Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

 

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald''s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M''s.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with him and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over her with a big smile and lovingly asked,

''Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?''

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

''I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!''

The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

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In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? I got it wrong. Apparently, it''s Africa.

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. Turns out that "Scousers and Pikeys" is not the correct answer.

 

I''ve heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children''s ipod. They realised that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

 

My wife told me she was fed up because she thinks I am no longer romantic. So I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine''s Night. Problem was she''s rubbish at snooker.

 

There''s a new Muslim clothing shop opened but I''ve been banned from it. All I did was ask to look at some bomber jackets.

 

A man went to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes", he replied,. "Homer is a fat yellow lazy git and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

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HOT & COLD SEX

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: ''You appear to be in good health.  Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?''

''In fact, I do,'' said the old man. ''After I have sex I am usually cold

and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am

usually hot and sweaty.''

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said:

''Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: ''Your husband had an unusual concern. He

claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the

first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know

why?''

"Oh that crazy old fart,'' she replied. ''That''s because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August.’

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In an attempt to keep up with technology, I got my son an iPod, my daughter an iPhone and myself an iPad. The wife felt left out so I got her an iRon... and that''s when the fight started.

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ANN SUMMERS LTD.

Thank you for your order.

You asked for the large red vibrator pictured in our wall display. Please re-select as this is a fire extinguisher.

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My wife just rang to say Gavin from Autoglass has just been and injected his resin into her crack.

I''m not normally suspicious, but I''ve got the car!

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Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.

Over in the corner, one baby is smiling and gurgling serenely. A nurse comes by, and, to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn''t it wonderful?" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies...but our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he''s happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his ar$e.

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A British passenger in a taxi in Dublin leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
 
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from the edge of the bridge over the Liffey River.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, ''Be-Jesus, I''m sorry, but you scared the devil out of me.''
 
The frightened Brit apologized to the driver and said he didn''t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much. The driver replied, ''Will the Saints in Heaven forgive me, it''s entirely my fault.
Today is my first day driving a cab.  I''ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years
 

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Walked past the fridge earlier and thought I heard an onion singing a BeeGees song. But when I opened the fridge door, it was just a chive talking.I asked the chive if it wanted to be an onion? But it said I''m staying a chive, staying a chive, ah, ah, ah, ah, staying a chive....

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Brace yourself before looking at the image below.  A pilot at low level has no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the airshow and slams into four buildings.  One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

 

[IMG]http://i56.tinypic.com/71hisz.jpg[/IMG]

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Why I''m divorced . . ..

Last week was my birthday and I didn''t feel very well waking up on that morning..  


I went downstairs for breakfast  
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,  
''Happy Birthday!'',  
and possibly have a small present for me.  


As it turned out,  
she barely said good morning,  
let alone  
'' Happy Birthday.''  


I thought....  


Well, that''s marriage for you,  
but the kids....  
They will remember.  


My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn''t say a word..  
So when I left for the office,  
I felt pretty low  
and somewhat despondent.  


As I walked into my office,  
my secretary Jane said,  
''Good Morning Boss,  
and by the way  
Happy Birthday ! ''  
It felt a little better  
that at least someone had remembered.  


I worked until one o''clock ,  
when Jane knocked on my door  
and said, ''You know,  
It''s such a beautiful day outside,  
and it is your Birthday,  
what do you say we go out to lunch,  
just you and me..''  
I said, ''Thanks, Jane,  
that''s the greatest thing  
I''ve heard all day.  
Let''s go !''  


We went to lunch..  
But we didn''t go  
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro  
with a private table.  
We had two martinis each  
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.  


On the way back to the office,
Jane said, ''You know,  
It''s such a beautiful day...  
We don''t need to go straight back to the office,  
Do We ?''  


I responded,  
''I guess not.  
What do you have in mind ?''  
She said,  
''Let''s drop by my apartment,  
it''s just around the corner..''
 

After arriving at her apartment,  
Jane turned to me and said,

'' Boss, if you don''t mind,  
I''m going to step into the bedroom  
for just a moment.  
I''ll be right back.''  

 

''Ok.'' I nervously replied.  
She went into the bedroom and,  
after a couple of minutes,  
she came out  
carrying a huge birthday cake ...  
Followed  
by my wife,  
my kids,  
and dozens of my friends  
and co-workers,  
all singing ''Happy Birthday''.
 


And I just sat there....  


On the couch....  


Naked.

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[IMG]http://i530.photobucket.com/albums/dd347/barclayendchoir/xxf3vw1159762132.jpg[/IMG]

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This guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for some Viagra, the cashier says ''I''ll need some medical proof''.

The guy says ''here''s a photo of my wife''.

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[quote user="Arthur Jedward Whittle"]My missus said to me today"you have a Willy like a tic-tac" to which I replied "that may be true darling, but your sisters breath still stinks"![/quote]

[:D][Y]

I had some Korean meatballs for tea.They were the dogs bollox!

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Stephen Hawking went out on his first date for 20 years.......When he returned home he had a broken wrist....a broken nose.... smashed glasses and badly grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up.

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