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The Butler

Friday smile

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For The Ladies

 (because they are plugged into a genius)
 (they don''t have enough time)
 (they don''t stop to ask directions)
 (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)

 (so they won''t hump women''s legs at cocktails parties)
 (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
 (don''t know.....it never happened)
 (C''mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
 And the personal favourite:
 (because a vibrator can''t mow the lawn)



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Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .
A man''s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding  - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it''s an I for an I.
A bicycle can''t stand on its own because it is two tired.
What''s the definition of a will? (It''s a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion .
If you don''t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can''t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia ... the LAN down under.
Every calendar''s days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted ... Taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you''ve seen one shopping center, you''ve seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa''s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Last, but not least,..............
Acupuncture is a jab well done!

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Now Education!!

There is an old Hotel/Pub in Marble Arch, London which used to have gallows adjacent. Prisoners were taken to  the gallows (after a fair trial of course) to be  hung. The horse drawn dray,  carting the prisoner was accompanied by an armed guard, who  would stop the dray outside the pub and ask the prisoner if he  would like ''''ONE LAST DRINK''''. 

 If he  said YES it was referred to as ONE FOR THE  ROAD   If he  declined, that prisoner was ON THE  WAGON So  there you go. More bleeding history.   They  used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all  pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to  the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were "Piss  Poor". But worse than that were the really poor folk who  couldn’t  even afford to buy a pot they "Didn’t  have a pot to Piss in" & were the lowest of the  low. 

 The  next time you are washing your hands and complain because the  water temperature isn''t just how you like it, think about how  things used to be.

Here are some facts about the  1500s:   Most  people got married in June because they took their yearly bath  in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However,  since they were starting to smell brides carried a bouquet of  flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of  carrying a bouquet when getting married.   Baths  consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the  house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the  other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.  Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you  could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don''t  throw the baby out with the Bath water!" 

Houses  had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high, with no wood  underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so  all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the  roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the  animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying  "It''s raining cats and dogs."   There  was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This  posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other  droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with  big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some  protection. That''s how canopy beds came into  existence. 

 The  floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than  dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt Poor." The wealthy had slate  floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they  spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As  the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you  opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece  of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold. 

(Getting quite an education, aren''t you?)   In  those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle  that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire  and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and  did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner,  leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then  start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that  had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: ''''Peas  porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot  nine days old''''.   Sometimes  they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.  When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to  show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "Bring  home the Bacon." They would cut off a little to share with  guests and would all sit around talking and ''''Chew the  fat''''.  

Those  with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid  content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food,  causing lead poisoning & death. This happened most often  with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were  considered poisonous.   Bread  was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom  of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the  top, or ''''The Upper Crust''''.  

Lead  cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would  sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone  walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare  them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a  couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and  drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom  of ''''Holding a Wake''''.  

England  is old and small and the local folks started running out of  places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would  take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When  reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to  have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had  been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the  wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through  the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out  in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen  for the bell; thus, someone could be, ''''Saved by the Bell ''''  or was considered a ''''Dead Ringer''''

And that''s the  truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

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They don''t make them like Tommy any more!!

1. Two blondes walk into a building ....... you''d think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - ''...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...''

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, ''Well, I can clearly see you''re nuts.''

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn''t find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn''t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, ''No, the steaks are too high.''

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ''Doctor, doctor, I can''t feel my legs!'' The doctor replied, ''I know you can''t, I''ve cut your arms off''.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can''t have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says ''I''ll give you some cream to put on it.''

12. ''Doc I can''t stop singing ''The Green, Green Grass of Home''. ''That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'' ''Is it common?'' ''It''s not unusual.''

13. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. ''My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'' ''Well,'' said the vet, ''let''s have a look at him''.

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ''I''m going to have to put him down.'' ''What? Because he''s cross-eyed?'' ''No, because he''s really heavy''.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ''Can you give me a lift?'' I said ''Sure, you look great, the world''s your oyster, go for it..''

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It''s either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it''s Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ''Your round.'' The other one says ''So are you, you fat bastard!''

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. ''You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ''Parking Fine.'' So that was nice.''

20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, ''I''ve hurt my arm in several places''. The doctor said, ''Well don''t go there anymore!

21. Ireland ''s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

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This would be funny if it wasn''t so pathetic . . .

Drink-driving Lottery winner is sentenced

"The court heard that [Michael] Carroll, of Downham Market, was seen by a stunned motorist swerving across the road, bumping into kerbs and driving straight over a roundabout on August 1.  He was eventually pulled over by police and was so drunk he urinated against his Citroen Picasso before falling to the ground."

(Evening News 15 September)


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