The Butler 0 Posted August 27, 2010 Something Different to start this weekhttp://fc01.deviantart.com/fs13/f/2007/077/2/e/Animator_vs__Animation_by_alanbecker.swfLove these Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Butler 0 Posted August 27, 2010 A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an ''exotic'' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says: ''SEX FROGS'' Only £20 each! Comes with ''complete'' instructions. The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody''s watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, ''I''ll TAKE one!''As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, ''Just follow the instructions!''The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:1. Take a shower.2. Splash on some nice perfume.3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, ''If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store.''So, she calls the pet store. The man says, ''I''ll be right over.'' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, ''See, I''ve done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!''The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says: LISTEN TO ME!! I''m only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME!!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Butler 0 Posted August 27, 2010 Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to The mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our Fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a Few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn''t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Huh?! 0 Posted August 27, 2010 Paddy painting his front room, wife walks in and can''t believe paddy is doing so well. To her surprise he''s worked so hard the sewat is dripping off him. She ask''s him;"Why on earth are you wearing a leather jacket and a parka?" he says " Hello, read the tin! It says for best results put on two coats!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ooh Ahh Lee Power 2 Posted August 27, 2010 Everyones heard this one, but the old ones are the best!!Catholic SchoolgirlsA train hits a bus filled with Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish.They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl ''Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'' She giggles and shyly replies, ''Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'' St. Peter says, ''Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.''St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, ''Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'' The girl is a little reluctant but replies, ''Well, once I fondled and stroked one.'' St.Peter says, '' Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.''All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, ''Sharon, What seems to be the rush?''The girl replies, ''If I''m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Lucinda sticks her arse in it.'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TIL 1010 4,737 Posted August 27, 2010 I cannot see what the fuss is all about in Coventry.......after all Top Cat lived in a bin for years. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TIL 1010 4,737 Posted August 27, 2010 Gary Glitter is apparently en route to Chile as the thought of 33 trapped and helpless minors was just too tempting to ignore. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
morty 0 Posted August 27, 2010 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYyI51a463E[:)] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted August 27, 2010 I''m just back from the Edinburgh Fringe, these are with many thanks to Tim Vine (the wife and I actually bumped into him near the castle).Musically I like Handle, and Hinge and Bracket - They later formed The Doors.I went into a music shop and said to the guy what have you got by The Doors, he said a fire extinguisher and an exit sign. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Butler 0 Posted August 27, 2010 [quote user="First Wazzock"]I''m just back from the Edinburgh Fringe, these are with many thanks to Tim Vine (the wife and I actually bumped into him near the castle).Musically I like Handle, and Hinge and Bracket - They later formed The Doors.I went into a music shop and said to the guy what have you got by The Doors, he said a fire extinguisher and an exit sign.[/quote]Welcome back Wazzy you have been missed!But next time Wiz is going to get a proper hitman not Nana with a catapult[;)] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nuff Said 5,121 Posted August 27, 2010 [quote user="First Wazzock"]I''m just back from the Edinburgh Fringe, these are with many thanks to Tim Vine (the wife and I actually bumped into him near the castle).Musically I like Handle, and Hinge and Bracket - They later formed The Doors.I went into a music shop and said to the guy what have you got by The Doors, he said a fire extinguisher and an exit sign.[/quote]More please, I love Tim Vine! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted August 27, 2010 More Tim Vine...I went to the local supermarket and said this vinegar is lumpy, the guy said they are pickled onions.My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes - he''s a catholic converter.Albinos - you can''t say fairer than that.Velcro - what a rip off.Someone actually complimented me on my driving. They left a note saying ''Parking Fine''. I thought that''s nice.I''m a hunt saboteur, I go out the night before and shoot the fox. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted August 27, 2010 A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son''s house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. ''What are you doing?'' she asked. ''I''m waiting for Justin to come home from work.'' The daughter-in-law answered. ''But you''re naked!'' the mother-in-law exclaimed. ''This is my love dress,'' the daughter-in-law explained. ''Love dress? But you''re naked!'' ''Justin loves me to wear this dress,'' she explained. ''Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours'' The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. ''What are you doing?'' he asked. ''This is my love dress,'' she whispered, sensually. ''Needs ironing,'' he said, ''What''s for dinner?'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted August 27, 2010 Little Billy and Lucy are only 12 years old,But they know they are in love One day they decide that they want to get married, So Billy goes to Lucy''s father to ask him for her hand. Billy bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Lucy are in love And I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Billy, you''re only 12.. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Billy replies, "In Lucy''s room. It''s bigger than mine And we can both fit in there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You''re not old enough to get a job.You''ll need to support Lucy." Again, Billy instantly replies, "Our pocket money, Lucy gets five pounds a week and I get 8 pounds'' that''s about 52 pounds a monthSo that should do us just fine." Mr. Smith is impressed Billy has put so much thought into this. "Well Billy, It seems like you have everything worked out.I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own. Billy just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we''ve been lucky so far." Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little sh*t is adorable Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted August 27, 2010 There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We''ve allheard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know thedifference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, beingmet by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: ''Are youstill cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smellingof perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife onthe butt and having the Balls to say: ''You''re next, Chubby.''I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.MEDICALLY SPEAKING, THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE IN THE OUTCOME.BOTH RESULT IN DEATH. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted August 27, 2010 The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. ''Since you''ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.''Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, '' I want to hang out with God.''St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.God recognized Arthur and commented, ''Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '' Arthur said, ''Yeah, that''s me...''God commented: ''Well, what''s the big deal in inventing something that''s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can''t run without a road?''Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, ''Excuse me, but aren''t you the inventor of woman?'' God said, ''Ah, yes.''''Well,'' said Arthur, ''professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention ! 1. There''s too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!''Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,'' replied God, ''hold on.''God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.''Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,'' God said to Arthur, ''but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours''. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted August 27, 2010 Let''s spare a thought for Michael O''Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair. Arriving in a hotel in Dublin , he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness. The barman nodded and said "that will be one Euro please, Mr. O''Leary". Somewhat taken aback, O''Leary replied "That''s a very competitive price" and handed over his money. "Will you be wanting a glass with your Guinness, sir?" enquired the barman. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted August 27, 2010 A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You''re just like Brian" Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He''s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."Cabbie: "There''s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody''s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I''m married to his F-----g widow." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted August 27, 2010 New novelty gift item...[IMG]http://i37.tinypic.com/24nfj8h.jpg[/IMG] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mister Chops 7 Posted August 27, 2010 [quote user="First Wazzock"]Let''s spare a thought for Michael O''Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair. Arriving in a hotel in Dublin , he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness. The barman nodded and said "that will be one Euro please, Mr. O''Leary". Somewhat taken aback, O''Leary replied "That''s a very competitive price" and handed over his money. "Will you be wanting a glass with your Guinness, sir?" enquired the barman.[/quote][:D] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted August 27, 2010 A flat-chested young lady went to Dr.. Smith about enlarging her breasts. Dr Smith advised her ''Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, ''Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'' She did this faithfully for several months! To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had Forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn''t recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, ''Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'' A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ''Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith''s?'' ''Yes I am.. How did you know?'' He winked and replied, " Hickory dickory dock...." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted August 27, 2010 Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven''t seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar. Rachel arrives first, wearing camel Versace. She orders a bottle of chilled Chablis. Clare arrives shortly afterwards, in grey Chanel. After the required ritualised kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of Chablis. Then Sam walks in, wearing a faded old Barbour anorak, blue jeans and Wellington boots. She too shares the wine. Rachel explains that after leaving school and graduating from Oxford in Classics she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London ''s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft house in North London , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in the hills above Monte Carlo . Clare graduated from King''s College and became a Consultant Gynaecologist. Her husband, Clive, is a leading A&E Consultant. They live in Dulwich and have a second home in Florida . Sam explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in Norfolk and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand four parrots, side by side, on his willy. Half way down the third bottle of Chablis, several hours later, Rachel blurts out the her husband isn''t Tim, he''s Tom and he''s a clerk for Islington Council. They live in a terraced house in Muswell Hill and keep a caravan in France . Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend''s honesty, explains that she and Clive are nurses in King''s College. They live in Herne Hill and have a timeshare in Orlando . At this point Samantha bursts into tears and admits that the fourth parrot has to stand on one leg. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted August 27, 2010 Some Tommy Cooper classics....1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........you''d think at least one of them would have seen it.2. Phone answering machine message - ''...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...''3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, ''Well, I can clearly see you''re nuts.'' 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn''t find any. 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn''t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,''No, the steaks are too high.'' 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. 7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ''Doctor, doctor, I can''t feel my legs!''The doctor replied, ''I know you can''t, I''ve cut your arms off''. 8. I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a muscle. 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can''t have your kayak and heat it. 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.Doc says ''I''ll give you some cream to put on it.'' 12. ''Doc I can''t stop singing ''The Green, Green Grass of Home''''That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ''''Is it common?''''It''s not unusual.'' 13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. ''My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?''''Well,'' said the vet, ''let''s have a look at him''So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ''I''m going to have to put him down.'' ''What? Because he''s cross-eyed?''''No, because he''s really heavy''14. Guy goes into the doctor''s. ''Doc, I''ve got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.''''How''s that?''''Don''t you start.'' 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom! 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 17.. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ''Can you give me a lift?''I said ''Sure, you look great, the world''s your oyster, go for it..'' 18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It''s either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it''s Colin. 19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ''Your round.'' The other one says ''So are you, you fat b……!'' 20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 21. ''You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ''Parking Fine.'' So that was nice.'' 22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, ''I''ve hurt my arm in several places''The doctor said, ''Well don''t go there anymore'' 23.. Ireland ''s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Shyster 0 Posted August 27, 2010 Let''s remind ourselves of the funniest man that ever lived:[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxmA9BgUO7s&feature=related]Tommy Cooper[/url] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Shack Attack 0 Posted August 27, 2010 [quote user="First Wazzock"]I''m just back from the Edinburgh Fringe, these are with many thanks to Tim Vine (the wife and I actually bumped into him near the castle).[/quote]Who else did you see Wazz? Any recommendations? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
morty 0 Posted August 28, 2010 [quote user="Doctor Wankenstein"]Let''s remind ourselves of the funniest man that ever lived:[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxmA9BgUO7s&feature=related]Tommy Cooper[/url][/quote]I don''t always agree with you. but will wholeheartedly on this occasion. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted August 28, 2010 [quote user="Shack Attack"][quote user="First Wazzock"]I''m just back from the Edinburgh Fringe, these are with many thanks to Tim Vine (the wife and I actually bumped into him near the castle).[/quote]Who else did you see Wazz? Any recommendations? [/quote]There is a half price hut on Princes Street - they sell half price tickets for shows on that day. Go along with your Fringe Guide see whos names are scrolling on the list then you can look them up in the guide and see if you like the look of them.I was there for 5 nights and saw Sharron Matthews (A Canadian lady who was promoting her show near to the half price hut - I thought why not she was OK, nothing outstanding but OK). The wife took me to see the show Busting Out (she had seen it at Norwich Playhouse) it features two 40 something Aussie ladies who are topless for virtually the entire show (funny but it needs a large raucous audienece to do it justice). We saw Tim Vine - I was crying with laughter at some points in the show - A virtual sell out who all loved it. Lastly we saw Jo Caulfield (We mistakenly sat on the front row and had to answer questions for her ''who lost their virginity where?'' part of the show!!). I thought she was good and she knows about Roys of Wroxham !!!!First time I have been to Edinburgh, I loved it.Fabulous City which is absolutely buzzing with people who are dressed up and made up, free shows on the streets.On a walkabout one day we found this band - The obligatory piper with 3 guys playing huge drums - they all looked like they were from ZZ top (scary). They were sensational, the guy playing the pipes was playing it like a rock instrument ably accompanied by the 3 incredible drummers.My advice would be wander round take it all in and go for the half price tickets ( I''m a skinflint!!!) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted August 28, 2010 I forgot to add Shack, the half price hut does exactly what it says on the tin - half price tickets for certain acts only. If you want to try and get the full price tickets the main Fringe box office in in the High Street (the approach to the castle - on the Royal Mile) but you will queue for ages.Enjoy - it''s amazing. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites