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The Butler

Rainy Friday and Bankholiday!

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A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an ''exotic'' pet.  As

she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.   The sign

says:

''SEX FROGS''

 

 Only £20 each!

 Comes with ''complete'' instructions.

 

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody''s watching her. She

whispers softly to the man behind the counter,  ''I''ll TAKE one!''

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her,  ''Just follow the

instructions!''

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the

instructions and reads them very carefully.  She does EXACTLY what is

specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog

to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . .

NOTHING happens!   The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at

this point.  She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of

the paper it says,  ''If you have any problems or questions .  please call

the pet store.''

So, she calls the pet store.  The man says, ''I''ll be right over.''  

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.  The blonde welcomes him

in and says,  ''See, I''ve done everything according to the instructions. 

The damn frog just SITS there!''

The man . . .  looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly

into its eyes and STERNLY says:

 


  LISTEN TO ME!! 

I''m only going to show you how to do this

ONE MORE TIME!!!

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Two great  white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken  ship. 
"Follow me, son."  the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to
The mass of  people.
 
"First we  swim around them a few times with just the tip of our
Fins showing." And  they did.
 
"Well  done, son! Now we swim around them a
Few times with all  of our fins showing." And they did.
 
"Now we  eat everybody." And they did.
 
When they  were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn''t we just eat them  all at first?
 
Why did we  swim around and around them?"
 
His wise  father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit

inside!"


 

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Paddy painting his front room, wife walks in and can''t believe paddy is doing so well. To her surprise he''s worked so hard the sewat is dripping off him. She ask''s him;

"Why on earth are you wearing a leather jacket and a parka?" he says " Hello, read the tin! It says for best results put on two coats!"

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Everyones heard this one, but the old ones are the best!!

Catholic Schoolgirls

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic schoolgirls and they all

perish.

They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter

asks the first girl ''Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a

male organ?'' She giggles and shyly replies, ''Well, I once touched the

head of one with the tip of my finger.'' St. Peter says, ''Okay, dip the

tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.''

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, ''Jennifer, have you

ever had any contact with a male organ?'' The girl is a little

reluctant but replies, ''Well, once I fondled and stroked one.'' St.

Peter says, '' Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass

through the gate.''

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.

One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, ''Sharon, What seems to be

the rush?''

The girl replies, ''If I''m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I

want to do it before Lucinda sticks her arse in it.''

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I cannot see what the fuss is all about in Coventry.......after all Top Cat lived in a bin for years.

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Gary Glitter is apparently en route to Chile as the thought of 33 trapped and helpless minors was just too tempting to ignore.

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I''m just back from the Edinburgh Fringe, these are with many thanks to Tim Vine (the wife and I actually bumped into him near the castle).

Musically I like Handle, and Hinge and Bracket - They later formed The Doors.

I went into a music shop and said to the guy what have you got by The Doors, he said a fire extinguisher and an exit sign.

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[quote user="First Wazzock"]

I''m just back from the Edinburgh Fringe, these are with many thanks to Tim Vine (the wife and I actually bumped into him near the castle).

Musically I like Handle, and Hinge and Bracket - They later formed The Doors.

I went into a music shop and said to the guy what have you got by The Doors, he said a fire extinguisher and an exit sign.

[/quote]

Welcome back Wazzy you have been missed!

But next time Wiz is going to get a proper hitman not Nana with a catapult[;)]

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[quote user="First Wazzock"]

I''m just back from the Edinburgh Fringe, these are with many thanks to Tim Vine (the wife and I actually bumped into him near the castle).

Musically I like Handle, and Hinge and Bracket - They later formed The Doors.

I went into a music shop and said to the guy what have you got by The Doors, he said a fire extinguisher and an exit sign.

[/quote]More please, I love Tim Vine!

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More Tim Vine...

I went to the local supermarket and said this vinegar is lumpy, the guy said they are pickled onions.

My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes - he''s a catholic converter.

Albinos - you can''t say fairer than that.

Velcro - what a rip off.

Someone actually complimented me on my driving. They left a note saying ''Parking Fine''. I thought that''s nice.

I''m a hunt saboteur, I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

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A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son''s house.          
                                                                     
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch,
totally naked.          
                                                                     
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. 
                                                                     
''What are you doing?'' she asked.
                                                                     
''I''m waiting for Justin to come home from work.'' The daughter-in-law answered.
                                                                     
''But you''re naked!'' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
                                                                     
''This is my love dress,'' the daughter-in-law explained.        
                                                                     
''Love dress? But you''re naked!''
                                                                     
''Justin loves me to wear this dress,'' she explained.        
                                                                     
''Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic
and ravages me for hours''          
                                                                     
The mother-in-law left.

When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch
waiting for her husband to arrive.
                                                                     
Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
                                                                     
''What are you doing?'' he asked.
                                                                     
''This is my love dress,'' she whispered, sensually.        
                                                                     
''Needs ironing,'' he said, ''What''s for dinner?''         

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Little Billy and Lucy are only 12 years old,
But they know they are in love

One day they decide that they want to get married,

So Billy goes to Lucy''s father to ask him for her hand.

                 
Billy bravely walks up to him and says,
                   
"Mr. Smith, me and Lucy are in love
           
And I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
         
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
                           
Mr. Smith replies,
                     
"Well Billy, you''re only 12..  Where will you two live?"

             
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Billy replies,

"In Lucy''s room. It''s bigger than mine And we can both fit in there nicely."
                 
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
                     
"Okay, then how will you live? You''re not old enough to get a job.
You''ll need to support Lucy."

         
Again, Billy instantly replies, "Our pocket money,
                     
Lucy gets five pounds a week and I get 8 pounds'' that''s about 52 pounds a month
So that should do us just fine."

                         
Mr. Smith is impressed Billy has put so much thought into this.

                             
"Well Billy, It seems like you have everything worked out.
I just have one more question.
             
What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own.
               
Billy just shrugs his shoulders and says,
                   
"Well, we''ve been lucky so far."
       
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little sh*t is adorable

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There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We''ve all
heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the
difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:


GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: ''Are you
still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on  your collar, slapping your wife on
the butt and having the Balls to say: ''You''re next, Chubby.''
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.


MEDICALLY SPEAKING, THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE IN THE OUTCOME.
BOTH RESULT IN DEATH.

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The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. ''Since you''ve been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.''

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, '' I want to hang out with God.''

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, ''Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle? ''
Arthur said, ''Yeah, that''s me...''

God commented: ''Well, what''s the big deal in inventing something that''s pretty unstable, makes noise
and pollution and can''t run without a road?''

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, ''Excuse me, but aren''t you the inventor of woman?''

God said, ''Ah, yes.''

''Well,'' said Arthur, ''professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There''s too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!


''Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,'' replied God, ''hold on.''

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

''Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,'' God said to Arthur, ''but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours''.

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Let''s spare a thought for Michael O''Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.
Arriving in a hotel in Dublin , he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said "that will be one Euro please, Mr. O''Leary".

Somewhat taken aback, O''Leary replied "That''s a very competitive price" and handed over his money.
"Will you be wanting a glass with your Guinness, sir?" enquired the barman.

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A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You''re just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
 
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He''s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."
 
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
 
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
 
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There''s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody''s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
 
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
 
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I''m married to his F-----g widow."

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[quote user="First Wazzock"]

Let''s spare a thought for Michael O''Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair. Arriving in a hotel in Dublin , he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness. The barman nodded and said "that will be one Euro please, Mr. O''Leary".

Somewhat taken aback, O''Leary replied "That''s a very competitive price" and handed over his money. "Will you be wanting a glass with your Guinness, sir?" enquired the barman.

[/quote][:D]

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A flat-chested young lady went to Dr.. Smith about enlarging her breasts.  

Dr Smith advised her ''Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 

''Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!''

 

 
She did this faithfully for several months! 
 To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had  

 Forgotten her morning ritual
.   Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn''t recite the little rhyme, she stood

right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said,

''Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.''  

 

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked  ''Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith''s?'' 

 

''Yes I am.. How did you know?''
He winked and replied, " Hickory dickory dock...."  

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Rachel,

Clare and Samantha haven''t seen each other since High School. They

rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for

lunch in a wine bar. Rachel arrives first, wearing camel Versace. She

orders a bottle of chilled Chablis. Clare arrives shortly afterwards, in

grey Chanel. After the required ritualised kisses she joins Rachel in a

glass of Chablis. Then Sam walks in, wearing a faded old Barbour

anorak, blue jeans and Wellington boots. She too shares the wine.
 

Rachel

explains that after leaving school and graduating from Oxford in

Classics she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful

daughter.  Timothy is a partner in one of London ''s leading law firms.

They live in a 4000 sq. ft house in North London , where Susanna, the

daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in the hills

above Monte Carlo .
 

Clare

graduated from King''s College and became a Consultant Gynaecologist.

Her husband, Clive, is a leading A&E Consultant. They live in

Dulwich and have a second home in Florida .
 

Sam

explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend,

Ben. They run a tropical bird park in Norfolk and grow their own

vegetables. Ben can stand four parrots, side by side, on his willy.
 

Half

way down the third bottle of Chablis, several hours later, Rachel

blurts out the her husband isn''t Tim, he''s Tom and he''s a clerk for

Islington Council. They live in a terraced house in Muswell Hill and

keep a caravan in France . Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old

friend''s honesty, explains that she and Clive are nurses in King''s

College. They live in Herne Hill and have a timeshare in Orlando .

 At this point Samantha bursts into tears and admits that the fourth parrot has to stand on one leg.

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Some Tommy Cooper classics....1 .  Two blondes walk into a building..........you''d  think at least one of them would have seen  it.

2.  Phone answering machine message - ''...If you want  to buy marijuana, press the hash  key...''

3.  A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only  Clingfilm for

shorts. The shrink says, ''Well, I  can clearly see you''re  nuts.''

4.  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other  day but I couldn''t find any.

5.  I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him  50 quid that he couldn''t reach the meat off the  top shelf. He said,

''No, the steaks are too  high.''

6.  My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong  currant pulled him in.

7 .  A man came round in hospital after a serious  accident. He shouted, ''Doctor, doctor, I can''t  feel my legs!''

The doctor replied, ''I know you  can''t, I''ve cut your arms  off''.

8.  I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a  muscle.

9. Two  Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit  a fire in the

craft, it sank, proving once and for  all that you can''t have your

kayak and heat  it.

10. Our  ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his  van covered

with hundreds and thousands. Police  say that he topped himself

11.  Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing  out of his head.

Doc says ''I''ll give you some  cream to put on it.''

12.  ''Doc I can''t stop singing ''The Green, Green Grass  of Home''

''That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.  ''

''Is it common?''

''It''s not  unusual.''

13. A  man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. ''My dog is  cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for  him?''

''Well,'' said the vet, ''let''s have a look  at him''

So he picks the dog up and examines his  eyes, then he checks his teeth.

Finally, he says,  ''I''m going to have to put him down.'' ''What?  Because

he''s cross-eyed?''

''No, because he''s  really heavy''

14. Guy goes into the  doctor''s. ''Doc, I''ve got a cricket ball stuck up  my bottom.''

''How''s that?''

''Don''t you  start.''

15. Two  elephants walk off a cliff...boom,  boom!

16.  What do you call a fish with no eyes? A  fsh.

17..  So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says  to me ''Can you give me a lift?''

I said ''Sure,  you look great, the world''s your oyster, go for  it..''

18. Apparently,  1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are  5

people in my family, so it must be one of them.  It''s either my mum or

my Dad, or my older brother  Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

 But  I think it''s Colin.

19. Two  fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ''Your  round.'' The other one says ''So are you, you fat  b……!''

20.  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was  drinking battery acid,

and the other was eating  fireworks. They charged one and let the other

one  off.

21. ''You  know, somebody actually complimented me on my  driving today.

They left a little note on the  windscreen. It said, ''Parking Fine.'' So

that was  nice.''

22.  A man walked into the doctors, he said, ''I''ve hurt  my arm in several places''

The doctor said,  ''Well don''t go there  anymore''

23.. Ireland ''s  worst air disaster occurred early this morning  when a

small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into  a cemetery. Irish search and

rescue workers have  recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that

 number to climb as digging continues into the  night.

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Let''s remind ourselves of the funniest man that ever lived:[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxmA9BgUO7s&feature=related]Tommy Cooper[/url]

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[quote user="First Wazzock"]

I''m just back from the Edinburgh Fringe, these are with many thanks to Tim Vine (the wife and I actually bumped into him near the castle).

[/quote]Who else did you see Wazz? Any recommendations?

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[quote user="Doctor Wankenstein"]Let''s remind ourselves of the funniest man that ever lived:[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxmA9BgUO7s&feature=related]Tommy Cooper[/url][/quote]I don''t always agree with you. but will wholeheartedly on this occasion.

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[quote user="Shack Attack"][quote user="First Wazzock"]

I''m just back from the Edinburgh Fringe, these are with many thanks to Tim Vine (the wife and I actually bumped into him near the castle).

[/quote]

Who else did you see Wazz? Any recommendations?


[/quote]

There is a half price hut on Princes Street - they sell half price tickets for shows on that day. Go along with your Fringe Guide see whos names are scrolling on the list then you can look them up in the guide and see if you like the look of them.

I was there for 5 nights and saw Sharron Matthews (A Canadian lady who was promoting her show near to the half price hut - I thought why not she was OK, nothing outstanding but OK). The wife took me to see the show Busting Out (she had seen it at Norwich Playhouse) it features two 40 something Aussie ladies who are topless for virtually the entire show (funny but it needs a large raucous audienece to do it justice). We saw Tim Vine - I was crying with laughter at some points in the show - A virtual sell out who all loved it. Lastly we saw Jo Caulfield (We mistakenly sat on the front row and had to answer questions for her ''who lost their virginity where?'' part of the show!!). I thought she was good and she knows about Roys of Wroxham !!!!

First time I have been to Edinburgh, I loved it.

Fabulous City which is absolutely buzzing with people who are dressed up and made up, free shows on the streets.

On a walkabout one day we found this band - The obligatory piper with 3 guys playing huge drums - they all looked like they were from ZZ top (scary). They were sensational, the guy playing the pipes was playing it like a rock instrument ably accompanied by the 3 incredible drummers.

My advice would be wander round take it all in and go for the half price tickets ( I''m a skinflint!!!)

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I forgot to add Shack, the half price hut does exactly what it says on the tin - half price tickets for certain acts only. If you want to try and get the full price tickets the main Fringe box office in in the High Street (the approach to the castle  - on the Royal Mile) but you will queue for ages.

Enjoy - it''s amazing.

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