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The Butler

Rainy days and Fridays

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For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way

computers have enhanced our lives, read on.  

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the

computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

''If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we

would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon..''

In response to Bill''s comments, General Motors issued a press release

stating :

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving

cars with the following characteristics :-

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to

buy a new car.  

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.  You

would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,

shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could

continue.  For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause

your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have

to reinstall the engine.  

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,

five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only

five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be

replaced by a single ''This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation''

warning light.  

I love the next one!!!  

7. The airbag system would ask ''Are you sure?'' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out

and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,

turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how

to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the

same manner as the old car.

10. You''d have to press the ''Start'' button to turn the engine off. 

PS - I''d like to add that when all else fails, you could call ''customer

service'' in some hot & humid foreign country and be instructed in an

amusing if annoying version of the English language how to fix your car




One afternoon a Blyblybabes was riding in his limousine when he saw two

men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don''t have any money

for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I''ll feed you," BBB

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,

under that tree."
"Bring them along," BBB replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a

wife  and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," Blyblybabes answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large

as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to BBB and said,  "Sir,

you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

Blyblybabes replied, "Glad to do it.
"You''ll really love my place.
"The grass is almost a foot high"


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Subject: Fw: Re: From the Diaries of Hillary Clinton and George Bush


Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she''s pregnant.

She is furious...Here she is in the middle of her first run for President .....now this has happened to her.

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:

"How could you have let this happen? With all that''s going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can''t believe this!

I''ve just found out I''m five weeks pregnant and it''s all your fault!

Well, what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me?"

Finally she hears Bill''s very very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper, he asks:

"Who''s speaking...?"

By George

President Bush arrived by Air Force One at Heathrow and walked to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They were driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they changed to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continued on towards Buckingham Palace , waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all was going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse let fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire . The fart shook the coach.

The smell was atrocious... but the two dignitaries of state did their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turned to President Bush saying, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen

cannot control."

Bush, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley...

"Tenpin?" she asked me. "Nah" I said, "It''s permanent."

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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,'' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'' 

The driver says, ''Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. ''

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: ''Now don''t be

silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn''t have cruise control.'' 

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ''Can''t you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'' The wife smiles demurely and says, ''Well dear you should be

thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would

have been higher.'' As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar

detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched

teeth, ''Woman, can''t you keep your mouth shut?'' 

The officer frowns and says, ''And I notice that you''re not wearing your seat belt, sir.That''s an automatic $75 fine.'' 

The driver says, ''Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but

I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out

of my back pocket.'' 

The wife says, ''Now, dear, you know very well that you didn''t

have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you''re

driving.'' And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the

driver turns to his wife and barks,   ''WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'' 

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ''Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma''am?''                   (I love this part)
''Only when he''s been drinking.!!''

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UCLA  STUDY (very interesting and short)

A study worth  sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA''s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that

the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending

on where she is in her menstrual cycle.  For example: if she is

ovulating, she is attracted to men  with rugged and masculine features.

 However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more

attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in

his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject

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Woman''s ar$e size studyThere''s a new study about women and how they feel about their ar$es:30% of women feel their ar$e is too fat10% think their ar$e is too skinnyThe remaining 60% say they don''t care, they love him, he''s a good man and they wouldn''t trade him for the world.

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If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?


Can you cry under water?


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it''s only a "penny for your thoughts"?  Where''s that extra penny going to?


Once you''re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?


What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby " when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you''re ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They''re going to see you naked anyway..


Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat ?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?


If the professor on Gilligan''s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can''t he fix a hole in a boat?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They''re both dogs!


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn''t he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it''s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it''s in your aSS?



you ever notice that when you blow in a dog''s face, he gets mad at you,

but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the



Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

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For years Doctors and scientists have told us that some food''s are good for us only to be told later that they bad for us,
and then they tell us that some food''s are bad for us, and all the time they''ve been good for us.
Their doesn''t seem to be much proof either way to suggest what is good or bad until now that is.
Garlic is definitely BAD for us!!!

"You Are, What You Eat"



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A lady walks into Harrods.  She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to
inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a
sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind
her –

Good looking as well!
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like
He politely greets the lady with, ''Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little

She asks, ''Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?''
He answers,
"Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you''re going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!"

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The Mexican maid asks for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: ''Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?''
Maria: ''Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.''
Wife: ''Who said you iron better than me?''
Maria: ''Jor husban'' say so.''
Wife: ''Oh.''
Maria: ''The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.''
Wife: ''Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?''
Maria: ''Jor husban'' did.''
Wife: ''Oh..''
Maria: ''The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.''
Wife: (really furious now) ''Did my husband say that as well?''
Maria: ''No Señora...the gardener did.''
Wife: ''So how much do you want?''

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This is why we love children! (Well, ........ sometimes!!?)

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ''Mom, that lady isn''t wearing a seat belt!''

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ''The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.''

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ''Mommy can''t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She''s hitting the bottle.''


A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women''s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ''What''s the matter, haven''t you ever seen a little boy before?''

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ''Are you a cop? Yes,'' I answered and continued writing the report My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'' ''Yes, that''s right,'' I told her. ''Well, then,'' she said as she extended her foot toward me, ''would you please tie my shoe?''

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ''Is that a dog you got back there?'' he asked.
''It sure is,'' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ''What''d he do?''

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs... One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ''The tooth fairy will never believe this!''

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ''Daddy, you shouldn''t wear that suit.''
''And why not, darling?''
''You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.''

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister''s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ''Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'' (I want this line used at my funeral!) 

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ''I''m just wasting my time,'' she said to her mother. ''I can''t read, I can''t write, and they won''t let me talk!''

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
''Mama, look what I found,'' the boy called out...
''What have you got there, dear?''
With astonishment in the young boy''s voice, he answered, ''I think it''s Adam''s underwear!''

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Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are  probably involved.
The boys'' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he  would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the  older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The  preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the  younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy''s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy''s face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

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Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St.Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room,
everyone calls him ''Father''."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.  When he walks into a room
people call him ''Your Grace''."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.  When he enters a room
everyone bows their head and says ''Your Eminence''."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. 
When he walks into a room people call him ''Your Holiness''."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,
The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,

24" WAIST and
34" HIPS
When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

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Little Sally came home from  school with a smile on her face and told her mother,  "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the  playground!"

Before the mother could raise a  concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a  peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden  smile, Sally''s Mum asked, "Really small, was  it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

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A real man is a woman''s best friend. He will
never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret. He will enable her to
express her deepest emotions and give in
to her most intimate desires. He will make
sure she always feels as though she''s the
most beautiful woman in the room and will
enable her to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible...


No wait... sorry...I''m thinking of wine. It’s wine that does all

Never mind.

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