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The Butler

The TRUE Friday thread

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You know you are addicted to the Internet when:-


• Your bookmarks take 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

• You step out of your room and realize that your family have moved and you don''t   have a clue when it happened.

• All of your friends have an @ in their names.

• You''ve already visited all the links at Yahoo and you''re halfway through Excite.

• You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

• Your phone bill is delivered in a box.

• You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

• The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

• You forget what year it is.

• You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."


In the beginning was the computer. And God said “Let there be light!”


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On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to get changed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?"

He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture."

He beams and asks, "Why?"

She answers, "So I can get it enlarged."



The chicken and the egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed.


The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".


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Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:


A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via cheque.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers'' money in the form of a company cheque.

However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these cheques to their banks.


The name of the company: "The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company."

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I had to fill in a questionnaire for a job interview recently.

One question was ''Describe yourself in one word''

I answered, "Not good at following instructions".



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I got pulled over by the Police the other day. The constable walked over to my car and asked me to wind down my window.

"Can you identify yourself?" he asked.

I looked in the door mirror and said "Yea, that''s me".

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Have you ever wondered what the difference between  Grandmothers and
Grandfathers is?  Well here it is:

A friend, who  worked away from home all week, always made a special
effort with his family  on the weekends.  Every Sunday morning he would take
his 7-year old  granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding
time -- just him  and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and  really didn''t feel like being up at all.  Luckily, his wife came to the
rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When  they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"

"Oh  yes, Papa" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn''t see a
single  ass hole, dumb b*****d, dip sh*t or horse''s ass anywhere we went  today!"


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All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.

''I should be in charge,'' said the brain,
''Because I run all the body''s systems, so without me nothing would happen.''

''I should be in charge,'' said the blood ,
''because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you''d all waste away.''


''I should be in charge,'' said the stomach ,
''because I process food and give all of you energy.''

''I should be in charge,'' said the legs,
''because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.''

''I should be in charge,'' said the eyes,
''Because I allow the body to see where it goes.''

''I should be in charge,'' said the rectum,
''Because I''m responsible for waste removal.''

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually the one in charge!

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An old  retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the  docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages  a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He''s soon  going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,  but needing  some reassurance, he asks, ''How am I doing?''
The prostitute  replies, ''Well, old sailor, you''re doing about three  knots.'' 

''Three knots?''   he  asks.   ''What''s that  supposed to mean?''  
She says, ''You''re knot  hard, you''re knot in, and you''re  knot getting your money back''!

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A man arrives at the Pearly Gates. St Peter is waiting and asks the man. "So, what did you do on Earth"?
The man replies "I was a tax inspector".
St Peter says "Oh, I''m sorry, we have our full quota of tax inspectors. You''ll have to go downstairs".
The man says, "Oh no, I was really hoping to get in up here. Can''t you just make one exception"?
St Peter thinks for a minute and then says, "Well, perhaps there is one avenue. Can you tell me anything you''ve done that is very brave"?
The man says, "Well, yes I can actually. I was walking down this street when I saw a group of bikers molesting this woman. She was calling for help and they were pulling her clothes off, but no one was going to her aid. So I walked up behind the leader, kicked him in the back of the knee and as he went down I punched him in the side of the head. He tried to get up so I grabbed the keys from my pocket and poked him in the eye, then kicked him in the balls. As he went down I turned to the others, who had stopped what they were doing to the girl. I said to them "come on then. If you want some of that and think you''re hard enough".
St Peter says, "Wow, that was really brave. When did that happen"?
The man says to St Peter, "Oh, about two minutes ago"!

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Four friends, who hadn''t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, ''My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he''s the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.''

The second guy said, ''Darn, that''s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He''s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.''

The third man said: ''Well, that''s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.''

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: ''What are all the congratulations

One of the three said: ''We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?''

The fourth man replied: ''My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.''

The three friends said: ''What a shame... what a disappointment.''

The fourth man replied: ''No, I''m not ashamed. He''s my son and I love him.
And he hasn''t done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends

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A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ''in a series of small fires.''

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with it………)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable ''fire'' and was obliged to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the ''fires''.


After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.


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Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .
A man''s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it''s an I for an I.
A bicycle can''t stand on its own because it is two tired.
What''s the definition of a will? (It''s a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don''t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can''t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar''s days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you''ve seen one shopping center, you''ve seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa''s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

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Every day we have something to be thankful for.


Today we are thankful that the photographer was not standing on the other side.

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I approached a girl in a bar and said, "I bet if I show you what I''ve got in my trousers, you''ll want to come home with me for sex".

She said, "Go on then".

And that''s when I showed her my knife.

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1 How do you turn a fox into an  Hippo   
Marry It!

2 What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

3 What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

4 How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They''re both fun to ride until your friends find out.

5 What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

6 Why is the space between a woman''s breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of t* ts in there.

7 How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

8 Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don''t have balls to scratch.

9 Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet..

10 Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

11 What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she''s been told twice already.

12 If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

13 How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open when she brings it.

14 Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can''t even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

15 Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It''s one of those ''evolutionary things'' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

16 How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with ''A man once told me...''

17 How do you fix a woman''s watch?
You don''t. There is a clock on the oven.

18 Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can''t shut up long enough to build up the required

19 If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course.. He''ll shut up once you let him in.

20 What''s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won''t do what she''s told

21 I married ‘Miss Right’.
I just didn''t know her first name was Always.

22 Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman''s sex drive by 90%...
It''s called a Wedding Cake.

23 Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

24 Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

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I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.

This one was written in London.

I''ve just been given two weeks to live.

The wife''s gone away for a fortnight.

My bank lets me send a text message and it''ll text back with my balance.

It''s a cool feature but I didn''t think the ''LOL'' was necessary.

Gandalf: "A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to."

Frodo: "You''re not fooling anyone, that was premature ejaculation and you know it."

"Which of your encyclopaedias covers Pakistan?"

Librarian: "H to O"

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As part of the appeal for aid for the Pakistan floods, the BNP have kindly donated 400 crocodiles.

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[quote user="morty"]As part of the appeal for aid for the Pakistan floods, the BNP have kindly donated 400 crocodiles.[/quote]

*Sniggers in a quilty manner*

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[quote user="morty"]As part of the appeal for aid for the Pakistan floods, the BNP have kindly donated 400 crocodiles.[/quote]You''ve got to be impressed with the response of the Pakistani government. I mean, they started evacuating people to England as far back as the 1950''s!

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