The Butler 0 Posted July 16, 2010 Subject: FW: Jazz Chord - Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice,"Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie''s varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord."A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flatMinor 7/9th chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord." Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn''t seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart arse. You get up here and do it!" The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing, "A jazz chord...to say... I ruv you. " A Cows TailA man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, ''What happened to YOU?''''Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.''''I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife''s monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow''s fanny. Still holding the cow''s tail up, I yelled to my wife, ''Hey, this looks like yours!''''''I don''t remember much after that'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Holt 520 Posted July 16, 2010 Some of Sickipedia''s best this week:--------------------------------------------I was playing Cluedo with my missus last night.It turned out the killer was me, in the living room, with a fucking Cluedo board.--------------------Nothing says "I''m a scummy, teenage, benefit claiming single mum with no qualifications" more than having a photo of an ugly baby as your Facebook profile picture--------------------Just signed up for that new Indian bank.Halalifax--------------------What''s the difference between JLS and Futurama?There''s only one Bender in Futurama.--------------------A Taliban terrorist was found dead in Michael Barrymore''s jacuzzi. Apparently it was a sucide bumming.--------------------"Doctor Doctor, I think I might have malaria.""Right Miss Cole, I''m going to need to see your vagina.--------------------Breaking news -The England FA have confirmed the new home shirt will now have three sponsors -TotalFcukUPSAll have signed a three year deal. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Holt 520 Posted July 16, 2010 Damn them stars! F C U K that is by the way. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Horn 0 Posted July 16, 2010 Theres a Husband and wife in a house, the woman turns to her husband and says "Can you change the lightbulb?" To which he replies "Have I got ELECTRICIAN written across my forehead?" The woman then says "Can you fix the stairs?" The husband replies "Have I got BUILDER written across my forehead?" and storms off to the pub. When he returns, everything is fixed, the man says "What the hell happened here?" His wife replies "A handsome young man came around and said he would fix everything for me and all I had to do was sleep with him or bake him a cake." The man asks happily "So what cake did you bake him?" The woman replies "Have I got Delia Smith written across my forehead!". Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ZiggyPiggy 0 Posted July 16, 2010 [quote user="Lord Horn"]Theres a Husband and wife in a house, the woman turns to her husband and says "Can you change the lightbulb?" To which he replies "Have I got ELECTRICIAN written across my forehead?" The woman then says "Can you fix the stairs?" The husband replies "Have I got BUILDER written across my forehead?" and storms off to the pub. When he returns, everything is fixed, the man says "What the hell happened here?" His wife replies "A handsome young man came around and said he would fix everything for me and all I had to do was sleep with him or bake him a cake." The man asks happily "So what cake did you bake him?" The woman replies "Have I got Delia Smith written across my forehead!".[/quote]Extra marital affairs = Delia''s fault. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Horn 0 Posted July 16, 2010 [quote user="Seat0123"][quote user="Lord Horn"]Theres a Husband and wife in a house, the woman turns to her husband and says "Can you change the lightbulb?" To which he replies "Have I got ELECTRICIAN written across my forehead?" The woman then says "Can you fix the stairs?" The husband replies "Have I got BUILDER written across my forehead?" and storms off to the pub. When he returns, everything is fixed, the man says "What the hell happened here?" His wife replies "A handsome young man came around and said he would fix everything for me and all I had to do was sleep with him or bake him a cake." The man asks happily "So what cake did you bake him?" The woman replies "Have I got Delia Smith written across my forehead!".[/quote]Extra marital affairs = Delia''s fault.[/quote]BURN THE WITCH!!!!! [6] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Horn 0 Posted July 16, 2010 A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious" in a sentence.Roland the class swot gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious.""Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there''s a bug going round, and it''s contagious.""Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"Little Irish Patrick jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch paintbrush, and my dad says it will take that contagious to finish that." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted July 16, 2010 A Welshman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks,he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn''t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back then goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn''t take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. "Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No,"she says, "They''re all in the Land Rover,and one of them is beeping the horn." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted July 16, 2010 ZEN TEACHINGS 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just p**s off and leave me alone. 2. Sex is like air. It''s not that important unless you aren''t getting any. 3. No one is listening until you fart. 4. Always remember you''re unique. Just like everyone else. 5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 6. If you think nobody cares whether you''re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you''re a mile away and you have their shoes. 8. If at first you don''t succeed, skydiving is not for you. 9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it. 11. If you tell the truth, you don''t have to remember anything. 12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. 13. Don''t worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment. 15. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works. 17. Generally speaking, you aren''t learning much when your lips are moving. 18. Experience is something you don''t get until just after you need it. 19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse. 20. Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted July 16, 2010 Once upon a time there lived a king.The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.No matter what;metal,wood,stone,anything she touched would melt.Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,''If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.''The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king''s wealth.THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.The first brought a sword of the finest steel.But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.The prince went away sadly.The second prince brought diamonds.He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.But alas,once the princess touched them, they melted.He too was sent away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess,''Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.''The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.And it did not melt!!!The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.!And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.Question: What was in the prince''s pants? M&M''s of course.They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.What were you thinking?? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted July 16, 2010 Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob''s wife, Sue wasn''t wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob''s wife followed and asked, ''Did you see anything that you like under there?'' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, ''Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.'' After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn''t, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob''s house at 2 p..m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: ''Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'' With a lump in her throat Sue answered ''Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, ''And did he give you £500?'' Sue, using her best poker face, replied, ''Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.'' Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, ''He came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised he''d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'' Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted July 16, 2010 A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices asign out of the corner of his eye......It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on withoutsecond thought....... Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drivespast a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTIONNEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On thefar side of the parking lot is a stone building with asmall sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nunin a long black habit who ask s, ''What may we do foryou my son?'' He answers, ''I saw your signs along the highway and was interested inpossibly doing business.....'' ''Very well my son. Please follow me.'' He is led through many windingpassages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at aclosed door and tells the man, ''Please knock on this door.'' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answersthe door... This nun instructs, ''Please place $100 in the cup then gothrough the large wooden door at the end of the hallway...'' He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips throughthe door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facinganother sign: GO IN PEACE.YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted July 16, 2010 A mother passing by her son''s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ''Mum'' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. ''Dear Mum It is with great regret and sorrow that I''m writing you. Ihad to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid ascene with Dad and you. I''ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is sonice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all herpiercing''s, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it''s not only the passion, Mum. She''s pregnant. Stacysaid that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and hasa stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy hasopened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn''t really hurt anyone.We''ll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the otherpeople in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we''ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don''t worry Mum, I''m 15, and I know how to take care ofmyself. Someday, I''m sure we''ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Nicholas. "P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I''m over at Jason''s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things inlife than the school report that''s on my desk" I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted July 16, 2010 A Pentecostal preacher said, "Anyone with ''special needs'' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar." With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy''s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy''s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy answered, "I don''t know. It ain''t ''til next week." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Horn 0 Posted July 16, 2010 A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary.""Is that you, Fred?""Yes, I''ve come back like we agreed.""What''s it like?""Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.""Oh, Fred , are you in heaven?""Not exactly, I''m a rabbit in Norfolk .." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted July 16, 2010 A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.The husband cringed, ''I warned you to be careful! Now we''ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'' So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, ''Come on in.''When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, '' Are you the people that broke my window?''''Uh...yeah! , sir. We''re sure sorry about that,'' the husband replied.''Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I''m a genie, and I''ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you''ve released me, I''m allowed to grant three wishes. I''ll give you each one wish, but if you don''t mind, I''ll keep the last one for my self.''Wow, that''s great!'' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, ''I''d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'' ''No problem,'' said the genie ''You''ve got it, it''s the least I can do... And I''ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!''''And now you, young lady, what do you want?'' the genie asked.. ''I''d like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,'' she said.''Consider it done,'' the genie said '' and your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'' ''And now,'' the couple asked in unison, ''what''s your wish, genie?''''Well, since I''ve been trapped in that bottle, and haven''t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'' The husband looked at his wife and said, ''Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?''She mulled it over for a few moments and said, ''You know, you''re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn''t mind, but what about you, honey?''You know I love you sweetheart,'' said the husband. I''d do the same for you!'' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?''''Why, we''re both 35,'' she responded breathlessly. ''No Kidding,'' he said.''Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted July 16, 2010 The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".Next day the Pope is called and Hell''s staff bids him farewell.On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat. "Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope. "No problem" replied Tiger Woods.Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"Tiger: "Why is that?"Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"Tiger: "What a pity. You''re a day late." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
7rew 0 Posted July 16, 2010 "9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."That''s wrong its:Light a man a fire he''ll be warm for a day, light a man on fire he''s warm for the rest of his life. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
E.L.F. 0 Posted July 17, 2010 Confucius SayFoolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.Man who pulls on woman''s bra-strap get bust in mouth.He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.Man who get kicked in testicles left holding bag. Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with smelly finger.and the best for lastPanties not best thing on earth, but next to it.Passionate kiss like spider''s web - soon lead to undoing of fly. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites