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The Butler

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A Philosophical Friday!

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don''t have film.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.
 
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
 
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

Nanna just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
 
Seen it all; can''t remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don''t.

I feel like I''m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He''s not dead; he''s electroencephalographically challenged.

She''s always late. Her ancestors went to America on the Juneflower.

In marriage it''s best to remain silent. Anything you say will be

misquoted,then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

 
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how living remains so

popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and

blamed it on the high cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn''t suck, we''d all fall off.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,

someone will be stupid enough to try and pass them all.

You can''t have everything; where would you put it all?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world''s

population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those

who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he

will sit in the boat all day drinking beer.


Shin: A device for finding furniture.


A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
 
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies. But it doesn''t matter since nobody listens.


I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people

who weren''t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright

until you hear them speak.

 

Have a good day all[:D]

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The Hotel Bill

 

Next time you think your hotel bill is too

high, you might want to consider this:

 

My wife and I are traveling by car from

Victoria to Prince George . Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on

the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room.

But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the

road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a

bill for $350.00.

 

I explode and demanded to know why the charge

is so high .I told the clerk although it''s a nice hotel; the rooms

certainly aren''t worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me

that $350.00 is the ''standard rate''. I insisted on speaking to the

Manager.

 

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then

explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference

centre that were available for us to use .''But we didn''t use them," I

said.''''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

 

He went on to explain that we could also have

taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the

best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform

here," the Manager says.

 

"But we didn''t go to any of those shows," I

said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

 

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I

replied,"But we didn''t use it!"

 

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave

up and agreed to pay.

 

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

 

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the

cheque. "But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00." ''''That''s

correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

 

"But I didn''t!" exclaims the Manager.

 

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you

could have."

Don''t mess with Senior Citizens

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Think you are having a bad day?

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of

forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire.  The deceased

male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his

back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from

massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive

identification.  Investigators then set about to determine how a fully

clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the

coast, some 20 miles from the forest.  The fire fighters, seeking to

control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of

helicopters with very large dip buckets.

 Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest

fire.

You guessed it.  One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the

Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket

300 feet in the air.

Some days it just doesn''t pay to get out of bed. but keep reading....

S
till think you ''re having a bad day?

A man was working on

his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen.  While

racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The

man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst

through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and

bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door.  She called for

an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went

down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort

them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right

the motorcycle and push it outside.  She also quickly blotted up the

spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the

shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle.  He went

into the bathroom and consoled

himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. 

 About to

stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband

screaming.  Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers

blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again

phoned for an ambulance.  The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they

asked the wife how he had come to burn himself.  She told them.  They

started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband

out.  He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

S
till having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil

spill in Alaska was $80,000.  At a special ceremony, two of

the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the

wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.  A minute later, in full

view, a killer whale ate them both.

St
ill think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking

frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running

from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away

from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,

breaking his arm in two places.  Up to that moment, he had been happily

listening to his Walkman.

S
TILL think you ''re having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending

pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . 

 Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and

escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.  The two hapless

protesters were trampled to death.

W
hat?! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn''t pay enough postage on a letter

bomb.  It came back with ''return to sender'' stamped on it. Forgetting it

was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

 

 

 

There now, feelin g better?

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A Scottish

couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy

winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their

honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel

schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on

Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband

checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided

to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one

letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the

email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from

her husband''s funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart

attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives

and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow''s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and

saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I''ve arrived

Date: October 16th 2008

I know you''re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now

and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I''ve just arrived

and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for

your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your

journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. bloody hot down here!

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BRIAN

 

 A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi

just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect

timing. You''re just like Brian"

 

Passenger: "Who?"

 

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He''s a guy who did

everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a

cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

 

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over

everybody."

 

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific

athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with

the pros. He sang Like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star

and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

 

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really

special."

 

Cabbie: "There''s more. He had a memory like a

computer. He remembered everybody''s birthday. He knew all about wine,

which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix

anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.

But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

 

 Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

 

 Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in

traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck

in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to

treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back

even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate,

shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a

mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

 

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet

him?"

 

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died.

I''m married to his  f****ing'' widow."

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JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss

program..

 

The next day, there''s a knock on the door and there stands before him a

voluptuous,

athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running

shoes and a sign

around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, ''If you can catch me, you can have me.''

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later

huffing and puffing,

he finally gives up..

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing

happens..

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost

10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there''s a knock at the door and there stands the most

stunning,

beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing

nothing but

Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ''If you

catch me you

can have me''.

 

Well, he''s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent

shape and he

does his best, but no such luck.. So for the next four days, the same

routine happens

with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

 

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he

discovers that he

has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and

calls the company

to order the 7-day/50 pound program

 

''Are you sure?'' asks the representative on the phone... ''This is our

most rigorous program.''

''Absolutely,'' he replies, ''I haven''t felt this good in years.''

The next day there''s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a

huge muscular

guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign

around his neck

that reads, ''If I catch you, you''re mine.''

He lost 63 pounds that week 

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All of the "think you''re having a bad day" ones are clearly made up. By an American person, due to their transparent nature I would assume. Absolute tosh, and I just had to say something. Sorry.

Carry on.

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Northumbria police have offered a £10,000 reward for information leading to the capture of Raoul Moate, if he hasn''t been captured by Tuesday the reward will be doubled to £20,000.....yes it''s a raoul over.

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Got to admire Emile Heskey.He had a disasterous World Cup but he came home,put on a skirt and won the Womens Singles at Wimbledon.

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Sir Alex Ferguson has been brought in by Northumbria police to assist in the hunt for Raoul Moat.

After his success with Juan Sebastian Veron, the police think he''s the idea man to capture another over hyped useless cunt.

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If you''ve never sat in the dentist''s waiting room in the 70''s reading outdated copies of the Reader''s digest then here''s what you were missing

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[quote user="TIL 1010"]Got to admire Emile Heskey.He had a disasterous World Cup but he came home,put on a skirt and won the Womens Singles at Wimbledon.[/quote]

That made me spit my coffee out!

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I heard Raoul Moat has got cold blooded on and is one kill away from a care package!

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I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I

said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I''m not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Ipswich win the premier league."

"You crafty c*nt!" said the fairy.

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Of course Raoul Moat is in hiding.

He''s a ginger during a heat wave!

If he comes out in to the open he''ll burst in to flames

I''ve invented a life-like android that goes around killing people for you, then hides itself away to avoid detection.

Its operated via Raoul-Moat control.

What have Raoul Moat and Emile Heskey got in common?

They''ve both been missing for quite some time.

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Real courtroom quotations :
  • Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was

    your first marriage terminated?"
  • Witness: "By death."
  • Lawyer: "And by whose death was it

    terminated?"
-------
  • Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis --

    does it affect your memory at all?"
  • Witness: "Yes."
  • Lawyer: "And in what ways does it

    affect your memory?"
  • Witness: "I forget."
  • Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us

    an example of something that you''ve forgotten?"
-------
  • Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one

    living with you?"
  • Witness: "Thirty-eight or

    thirty-five, I can''t remember which."
  • Lawyer: "How long has he lived with

    you?"
  • Witness: "Forty-five years."
-------
  • Lawyer: "What was the first thing

    your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
  • Witness: "He said, ''Where am I,

    Cathy?''"
  • Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
  • Witness: "My name is Susan."
-------
  • Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped

    the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
  • Witness: "Yes."
  • Lawyer: "Did the defendant say

    anything when she got out of her car?"
  • Witness: "Yes, sir."
  • Lawyer: "What did she say?"
  • Witness: "''What disco am I at?''"
-------
  • Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed

    the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "Did you check for blood

    pressure?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "Did you check for

    breathing?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that

    the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "How can you be so sure,

    Doctor?"
  • Witness: "Because his brain was

    sitting on my desk in a jar."
  • Lawyer: "But could the patient have

    still been alive nevertheless?"
  • Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he

    could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
-------
  • Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles

    at the time of the collision?"
-------
  • Lawyer: "What happened then?"
  • Witness: "He told me, he says, ''I

    have to kill you because you can identify me.''"
  • Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
  • Witness: "No."
-------
  • Lawyer: "Now sir, I''m sure you are an

    intelligent and honest man--"
  • Witness: "Thank you. If I weren''t

    under oath, I''d return the compliment."
-------

  • Lawyer: "You were there until the

    time you left, is that true?"
-------
  • Lawyer: "So you were gone until you

    returned?"
-------
  • Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year

    old, how old is he?"
-------
  • Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
-------
  • Lawyer: "How long have you been a French

    Canadian?"
-------
  • Witness: "He was about medium height

    and had a beard."
  • Lawyer: "Was this a male or a

    female?"
-------
  • Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a

    rather elaborate honeymoon, didn''t you?"
  • Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
  • Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"
-------
  • Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask

    you if you recognize that picture."
  • Witness: "That''s me."
  • Lawyer: "Were you present when that

    picture was taken?"
-------
  • Lawyer: "Were you present in court this

    morning when you were sworn in?"
-------
  • Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant

    you are now?"
  • Witness: "I''ll be three months on

    November 8."
  • Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date

    of conception was August 8?"
  • Witness: "Yes."
  • Lawyer: "What were you doing at that

    time?"
-------
  • Lawyer: "How many times have you

    committed suicide?"
  • Witness: "Four times."
-------
  • Lawyer: "She had three children,

    right?"
  • Witness: "Yes."
  • Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
  • Witness: "None."
  • Lawyer: "Were there girls?"
-------
  • Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went

    down to the basement?"
  • Witness: "Yes."
  • Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they

    go up also?"
-------
  • Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town

    all your life?"
  • Witness: "Not yet."
-------
  • Lawyer: "What is your

    brother-in-law''s name?"
  • Witness: "Borofkin."
  • Lawyer: "What''s his first name?"
  • Witness: "I can''t remember."
  • Lawyer: "He''s been your

    brother-in-law for years, and you can''t remember his first name?"
  • Witness: "No. I tell you, I''m too

    excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law)

    "Nathan, for heaven''s sake, tell them your first name!"
-------
  • Lawyer: "Are you married?"
  • Witness: "No, I''m divorced."
  • Lawyer: "And what did your husband do

    before you divorced him?"
  • Witness: "A lot of things I didn''t

    know about."
-------
  • Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies

    have you performed on dead people?"
  • Witness: "All my autopsies have been

    performed on dead people."
-------
  • Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the

    deceased?"
  • Witness: "Yes sir."
  • Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"
-------
  • Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by

    the ears?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "What was he doing with the

    dog''s ears?"
  • Witness: "Picking them up in the

    air."
  • Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this

    time?"
  • Witness: "Attached to the ears."
-------
  • Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone

    and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being

    excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have

    brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
  • Other Lawyer: "Objection. That

    question should be taken out and shot."
-------
  • Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your

    responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
  • Witness: "Oral."
  • Lawyer: "How old are you?"
  • Witness: "Oral."
-------
  • Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other

    murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"
-------
  • Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn''t it true that

    when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly

    away and doesn''t know anything about it until the next morning?"
-------

  • Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
  • Witness: "He came home, and next

    morning he was dead."
  • Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next

    morning he was dead?"
-------
  • Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer

    that your husband had offered you indignities?"
  • Witness: "He didn''t offer me nothing.

    He just said I could have the furniture."
-------
  • Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what

    prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder

    trial?"
  • Witness: "The victim lived."
-------
  • Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to

    believe the defendant was under the influence?"
  • Witness: "Because he was argumentary,

    and he couldn''t pronunciate his words."

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Why Can''t I Own A Canadian?

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice

to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an

observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to

Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The

following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast

resident, which was posted on the Internet. It''s funny, as well as

informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God''s Law. I

have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that

knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the

homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus

18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need

some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws

and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a

pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They

claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in

Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair

price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her

period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how

do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and

female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend

of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you

clarify? Why can''t I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2

clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill

him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an

abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.

I don''t agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a

defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does

my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair

around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.

19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me

unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different

crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of

two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to

curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the

trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? -

Lev.24:10-16. Couldn''t we just burn them to death at a private family

affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident

you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God''s word is

eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,

Jim

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[quote user="Mello Yello"]

I''ve just started on the new whisky diet.....

........and I''ve already lost three days.

[/quote]

 

Good one.

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[quote user="TIL 1010"]Got to admire Emile Heskey.He had a disasterous World Cup but he came home,put on a skirt and won the Womens Singles at Wimbledon.[/quote]lmfao...brilliant

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[quote user="Lakey"]I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I''m not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Ipswich win the premier league."
"You crafty c*nt!" said the fairy.[/quote]love it[Y]

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[quote user="Muddy funster"]All of the "think you''re having a bad day" ones are clearly made up. By an American person, due to their transparent nature I would assume. Absolute tosh, and I just had to say something. Sorry. Carry on.[/quote]

 

So you should say soory. Is such vindictiveness really necessary?

The post appealed to me neither, but I felt no need to express nastiness. 

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[quote user="BroadstairsR"]

[quote user="Muddy funster"]All of the "think you''re having a bad day" ones are clearly made up. By an American person, due to their transparent nature I would assume. Absolute tosh, and I just had to say something. Sorry. Carry on.[/quote]

 

So you should say soory. Is such vindictiveness really necessary?

The post appealed to me neither, but I felt no need to express nastiness. 

[/quote]Just laughed at how worked up he got about it myself.Which is fitting on such a thread. Muddy is but only a contribution to the theme of the thread. A "joke" if you will. [8-|]

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Isn''t it funny how things change, years ago you felt safe if you had a Moat running round your village.

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In Raoul Moat''s possessions the police found a letter which reads:-

Dear Mr. Moat, It has come to my attention that while you were in prison John Terry was shagging your girl-friend.

yours sincerely,

Wayne Bridge

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