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The Butler

It's Friday already

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Welcome back Wazzy!




Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin .  

A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager. 

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20. 

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job." 

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that?"  

"We both got 19 questions correct."

"This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job." 

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong." 

Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?" 

Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, ''I don’t know.''

You put down,

‘Neither do I’.“ 

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Adult Riddles ~

Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?

A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.


Q. What''s a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q What''s the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.


Q. What''s the definition of ''Macho''?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.


Q. What''s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball


Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X''s on the back of the sheep that kick!


Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it''s worth it!


Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.


Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.


Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.


Q.What is the difference between ''ooooooh''and ''aaaaaaah''?

A. About three inches.


Q: What''s the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.


Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It''s not hard.


Q: What''s the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

A: 45 pounds.


Q: What''s the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes.


Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don''t have eyes.


Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.


Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A . They don''t have balls to scratch!

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Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for the first
The proud Dad says ''I''ll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have
to wait until next pay day"
The boy replies ''that''s alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway''

Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people''s home last
They didn''t get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.

What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris?
The wife.

Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, ''How dare you call me a
slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your f****ing mates with


Teacher says to little Tommy ''Why weren''t you at school yesterday?''
Tommy says ''My grandfather got burnt'' Teacher says ''Badly?'' Little Tommy
says ''Yes, they don''t f*ck about at the crematorium.''

A friend of mine says he is making love to twins, I said '' How can you
tell the difference?'' He said '' Her brother has got a moustache".

A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals
descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted ''He''s behind you!'' 
Hubby has '' I love you'' tattooed on his penis, and goes home to show his
wife, she says ''There you go again, trying to put words into my mouth''

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This  is mythical, deep and truly  beautiful.......................

A  man asked an American Indian what was his wife''s name.
He  replied, "She called Five  Horses ".

The  man said, "That''s an unusual name for your wife.

What  does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered,  "It old Indian Name. It mean . . .

. . . . NAG, NAG,  NAG, NAG, NAG."

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EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I''VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM ''I''ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there''s somebody under it.  I''m scared.  I think I''m going crazy.''
''Just put yourself in my hands for one year,'' said the shrink. ''Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears''.
 ''How much do you charge?''
 ''Eighty dollars per visit,'' replied the doctor.
 ''I''ll think about it,'' I said.
Six months later, I met the doctor on the street. ''Why didn''t you come to see me about those fears you were having?'' he asked.
''Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I bought me a new pickup!''
''Is that so!'' With a bit of an attitude he said, ''and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?''
''He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain''t nobody under there now!!!''

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An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

''How do you feel about sex?'' he asked, rather tentatively.
''I would like it infrequently'' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -
''Is that one word or two?''

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A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, ''You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.''

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, ''I ''ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.''

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn''t need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, ''How could sandals make you a sex freak?''

The Jamaican replied, ''Just try dem on, Mon.''

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn''t seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican''s thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: ''You got dem on de wrong feet!''

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Last night, for the first time ever, I went to a Korean restaurant and ordered two meatballs as the starter.

They were the dog''s bolllocks.

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[quote user="The Butler"]

Welcome back Wazzy!


Thank you.

In fact, thanks for having me.

If you haven''t had me, I''m at home all day !!! [:D]

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Recommended Literature

An extract from a new romantic novel.... With writing like this, there really is no need for pictures....

"We met in a secluded field, the sun almost kissing the horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent, that only those fortunate to live outside the urban rat race know, and the quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked. I knew that I had to have her, and have her now.

Without a word being spoken, I moved into a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for, as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.

Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind, and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair, every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable, mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment that we had been building towards was upon us, and passed all too quickly.

Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassurance of how good she had been.

She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear, then whispered ''Baaaaaaaa'' and rejoined the flock."

This novel is only for sale in New Zealand, Australia, Wales, and certain parts of Derbyshire.

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[quote user="First Wazzock"][quote user="The Butler"]

Welcome back Wazzy!


Thank you.

In fact, thanks for having me.

If you haven''t had me, I''m at home all day !!! [:D]


Very old joke that I have badly worded !

The last line should have read ''for those of you who haven''t had me I''m at home all day.'' (applys to females only!!!)

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A wife was frying some eggs one morning when suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

He shouted, "Careful, Careful! Put some more butter in!
Oh my GOD! You''re cooking too many at once. Too many!
Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter.
They''re going to stick! Careful. I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you''re cooking. Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don''t forget to salt them. You know you always forget.
Use the salt. THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him in amazement, "What is wrong with you? I know how to fry a couple of eggs."

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I''m driving."

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A 70 year old man walked into his doctor''s crowded waiting room and approached the reception desk.

The bossy receptionist said in a loud voice, "Yes, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There''s something wrong with my dick", he said.

The receptionist becoming irate said, "You shouldn''t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"You shouldn''t have asked me what was wrong in a crowded waiting room," the old man retorted.

The receptionist replied, "Now you''ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited a couple of minutes, then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled very smugly and asked, "Yes?"

There''s something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can''t piss out of it," he replied.

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On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears listening?"

After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I''m a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I''m a friendly bear too!"

At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on an radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds.

Then a small voice said, "You''re not a very friendly bear, are you?"

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Andy Murray''s sucess has persuaded a lot of people in Scotland to get out on the tennis courts.

They aren''t playing but at least they''ll be getting some fresh air while they are taking their crack.

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Coleen Rooney is to become the new face of the Littlewoods catalogue.

The deal could have been worth half a million to her, but apparently she opted for £12.48 over 40,064 weeks

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Prince Harry met some children who had been blown up by land mines

''How do you cope with being legless every day?'', the kids asked him.

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Paddy was driving down the

street in a sweat because he had an important meeting

and couldn''t find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord


pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every

Sunday for

the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he

meets, "Do

you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," the man replied.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O''Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to


O''Toole said, "No, I don''t Father."

The priest said, "I don''t believe this..   You mean to tell me that when

you die

you don''t want to go to heaven?"

O''Toole said, "Oh, when I die , yes.   I thought you were getting a


together to go right now."



Paddy was in  New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street


  The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians. "


he''d allow the traffic to pass.

He''d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians! " for the tenth time, Paddy

went over

to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"


Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in


obituary column that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best friend,


"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney.   "Where are ye callin'' from?"


An Irish priest is driving down to  New York  and gets stopped for

speeding in

Connecticut ..   The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest''s breath


then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He''s done it



Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a

stiff one -

just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie , "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and


"Really," said Charles, "Now that''s a switch!   What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."


Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking


Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their


bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by

grabbing the

banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A


bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially


Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and

looked in the

hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He

managed to

quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as

best he

could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled

his way

to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and

butt and

Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren''t you?"

Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the


glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood


through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly .....

it''s all

those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

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