The Butler 0 Posted June 11, 2010 My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog''s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog''s ears once a month. The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you''re going to use this under your arms, don''t use deodorant for a few days."The lady said, "I''m not using it under my arms."The pharmacist said, "If you''re using it on your legs, don''t shave for a couple of days."The lady replied, "I''m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I''m using it on my Schnauzer."The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for a week." This joke was contributed by LB many thanks, and was passed with a PG certificate by the CBS. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
morty 0 Posted June 11, 2010 In a cave, I found pictures of women''s breasts, but when I picked them up, a giant net fell on me.Damn booby trap.****With a sheep under his arm, a man walks into his bedroom and stands in front of his wife."This is the pig I fuck when you have a headache!", he says.The wife looks at his and replies,"That''s a sheep under your arm."He says, "I wasn''t talking to you!" ****Had a row with the wife last night. I said "don''t play stupid with me girl, you''ll never beat me at it"That showed her. ****Piracy is killing the music industry. You try playing the guitar with a hook. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted June 11, 2010 The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife''s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn''t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, ''Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.''The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ''Why, nothing,'' Peter replied, ''remember, this is your reward in Heaven..'' The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. ''What are the greens fees?,'' grumbled the old man. ''This is heaven,'' St. Peter replied. ''You can play for free, every day.'' Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. ''Don''t even ask,'' said St. Peter to the man.. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'' The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. ''Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,'' he asked. That''s the best part,'' St. Peter replied. ''You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'' The old man pushed, ''No gym to work out at?'' ''Not unless you want to,'' was the answer. ''No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'' ''Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'' The old man glared at his wife and said, ''You and your f....ing bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted June 11, 2010 The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation,''Has anybody got a cock? ''All the men stood up.''No, no, '' he said, ''that wasn''t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock? ''All the women stood up.''No, no, '' he said, '' that wasn''t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn''t belong to them? '' Half the women stood up.''No, no, '' he said, ''that wasn''t what I meant.Has anybody seen MY cock? '' Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted June 11, 2010 Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.... You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!" Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I always promised you?" "Get ready here it comes." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted June 11, 2010 Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a roughpub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stoolat the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suitChris: - I reckon he''s an accountant.James: - No way - he''s a stockbroker.Chris: - He ain''t no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn''t come in here!The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets thebetter of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he seesthat the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the severalbeers get the better of the builder ...Chris: - Scuse me .... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wonderingwhat you do for a living?Suit: - No offence taken! I''m a Logical Scientist by profession!Chris: - Oh! What''s that then?Suit: - I''ll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?Chris: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!Suit: - Well, it''s logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?Chris: - It''s in a pond!Suit: - Well then it''s reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?Chris: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!Suit: - Well then it''s logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?Chris: - As it happens I''ve got a five bedroom house ... built it myself!Suit: - Well given that you''ve built a five-bedroom house it islogical to assume that you haven''t built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?Chris: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three childrenSuit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexuallyactive with your wife on a regular basis?Chris: - Yep! Four nights a week!Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?Chris: - Me? NeverSuit: - Well there you are! That''s logical science at work!Chris: - How''s that then?Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I''ve told you about your sex life!Chris: - I see! That''s pretty impressive ... thanks mate!Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.James: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?Chris: - Yep! He''s a logical scientist!James: - What''s that then?Chris: - I''ll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?James: - Nope.Chris: - Well then, you''re a w****r. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted June 11, 2010 Top twenty reasons why chocolate is better than sex 1. You can GET chocolate 2. "If you love me you''ll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate. 3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. 5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. 6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother. 7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won''t mind. 8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names. 9. The word "commitment" doesn''t scare off chocolate. 10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers. 11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. 12. You don''t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. 13. With chocolate there''s no need to fake it. 14. Chocolate doesn''t make you pregnant. 15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month. 16. Good chocolate is easy to find. 17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle. 18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate. 19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake. 20. With chocolate size doesn''t matter. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N.Ireland Canary 0 Posted June 11, 2010 Ex-Norwich man Cureton believes he can still cut it Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
25overpar 0 Posted June 11, 2010 The owner of a small business had been hit badly by the recession to the point at which he had no choice but to get rid of one of his only two employees, Jack and Jill.They were both extremely loyal and excellent at their work and consequently he agonised for hours over who would be the unlucky one. He didn''t sleep a wink the night before he had to do the dirty deed and finally decided the only thing he could do would be to fire the first one to come into the office the next morning.When the time came it was Jill who came in first. So, bracing himself he said "Jill, you know times have been getting harder recently and I feel so bad about this, but I''m afraid I had to decide wether to either lay you or Jack off".Before he could say anything else Jill replied "Well do you think you could jack off cos I''ve got a headache"! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Flashheart 0 Posted June 11, 2010 Ladies, are you being stalked by Emile Heskey? Dress up as a goal. He''ll never be able to find you. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Beauseant 0 Posted June 11, 2010 A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is; until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, ''Where did you come from? How did you get here?'' She replied, ''I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'' ''Amazing,'' he notes. ''You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'' ''Oh, this thing?'' explains the woman. ''I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'' ''But, where did you get the tools?'' ''Oh, that was no problem,'' replied the woman. ''On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'' The guy is stunned. ''Let''s row over to my place,'' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, ''It''s not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'' ''No! No thank you,'' he blurts out, still dazed. ''I can''t take another drop of coconut juice.'' ''It''s not coconut juice,'' winks the woman. ''I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'' Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, ''I''m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'' No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. ''This woman is amazing,'' he muses. ''What next?'' When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. ''Tell me,'' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, ''We''ve been out here for many months. You''ve been lonely. There''s something I''m sure you really feel like doing right now,something you''ve been longing for?'' She stares into his eyes... He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes... ''F ***king hell, don''t tell me you''ve got Sky Sports? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Harry 0 Posted June 11, 2010 I said to my wife "Right then you sexy thing, upstairs now"She looked at me and said "Oooooh you kinky thing"I said "No seriously, the Football is now starting, clear off" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
I am a Banana 0 Posted June 11, 2010 [quote user="Harry"]I said to my wife "Right then you sexy thing, upstairs now"She looked at me and said "Oooooh you kinky thing"I said "No seriously, the Football is now starting, clear off"[/quote]ha ! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
I am a Banana 0 Posted June 11, 2010 1st Waz, this is almost your thread with the amount of jokes you post. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted June 11, 2010 A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.It''s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles. Meanwhile, grandfather is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won''t be long . .. . easy, boy."Another outburst, and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It''s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we''ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the trolley, and grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don''t get upset. We''ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.She said to the elderly gentleman, "It''s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don''t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.""Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I''m William . .. . the little bastard''s name is Kevin." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted June 11, 2010 A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson''s birthday. She doesn''t know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, although I''m completely blind; if you drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn''t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That''s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It''s a good all around combination, and it''s actually on sale this week for $44." She says, "That''s amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I''ll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally passes wind. At first she''s really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could tell exactly who had done it. The man rings up the sale and says, "That''ll be $58.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn''t you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?" Salesman replied: "The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted June 11, 2010 Important Health Advice for Women A must read if you are at all interested in your well being. IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMENDo you have feelings of inadequacy?Do you suffer from shyness?Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc.Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you''re ready and willing to do just about anything.You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon Blanc almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.Sauvignon Blanc may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn''t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.WARNINGS:* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you are whispering when you are not.* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to think you can sing.* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you can converse enthusiastically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit!Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Pinot Noir Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted June 11, 2010 The Taxman decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the Tax office.The taxman was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his accountant.The taxman said, ''Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I''m not sure the tax office finds that believable.''I''m a great gambler, and I can prove it,'' says Grandpa. ''How about a demonstration?''The taxman thinks for a moment and said, ''Okay. Go ahead.''Grandpa says, ''I''ll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye.''The taxman thinks a moment and says, ''It''s a be t.''Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The taxman''s jaw drops.Grandpa says, ''Now, I''ll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye.''Now the taxman can tell Grandpa isn''t blind, so he takes the bet.Grandpa removes his false teeth and bites his good eye.The stunned taxman now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa''s accountant as a witness. He starts to get nervous.''Want to go double or nothing?'' Grandpa asks ''I''ll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.''The taxman, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there''s no way this old man could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can''t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much pees all over the taxman''s desk.The taxman leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.But Grandpa''s own accountant moans and puts his head in his hands.''Are you okay?'' the taxman asks.''Not really,'' says the accountant. ''This morning, when Grandpa told me he''d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand pounds that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you''d be happy about it!''Don''t Mess wth Old People!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Butler 0 Posted June 11, 2010 A bloke walks into a bar in Sydney and orders a shandy. All the Australians sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Kiwi visitor.The barman says, ''You ain''t from around here, are ya?''The guy says, ''No, I''m from Canada .''The bartender says, ''What do you do in Canada ?''The guy says, ''I''m a taxidermist.''The bartender says, ''A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?''''No, a taxidermist doesn''t drive a taxi. I mount animals.''The bartender grins and yells,'' He''s okay boys. He''s one of us'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Butler 0 Posted June 11, 2010 [quote user="I am a Banana"]1st Waz, this is almost your thread with the amount of jokes you post.[/quote]No Nana like every other thread on this forum it''s yours!Pointless countless posts on everything. If you have nothing to add to the theme of the thread why post? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Herman 9,710 Posted June 11, 2010 Good jokes this week[Y] And no kicking off!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Davo 0 Posted June 11, 2010 Indeed a good thread this week but WiTS this is for you.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0y-Qjjd-1USorry about the lack of a link but this site doesn''t work with good browsers like Chrome.Davo Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mister Chops 7 Posted June 12, 2010 I am disappointed to find this week I cannot click "Report" with a clear conscience, although I have detected some smut and some hints towards what I will describe as "inappropriate behaviour". I would like to offer some good clean wholesome Certificate "U" jokes for families with small children. This week: the Internet! [:D] [:D] [:D]Do you want some help using the Internet, son? No thanks, Dad, I can muck it up all by myself. Does your mum like shopping on the Internet? No, the trolley keeps rolling off the top of the computer. How do you find white shirts on the Internet? Use a starch engine. How does the vicar explore the Internet? With the church mouse. I hear you''ve been tracing your ancestors on the internet... Yes - and it''s a mammoth task! I hope you''re not one of those pupils who spends all day on the Net and doesn''t get any exercise. Oh, no, miss, I often sit around watching TV and not getting exercise either.I never thought that the Internet was very useful, but now I''ve changed my mind. Let''s hope your new one works better then the one you had before. I see you''ve got your bill for using the Internet Yes, and my dad''s really going to get the hump! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted June 12, 2010 [quote user="Davo"]Indeed a good thread this week but WiTS this is for you.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0y-Qjjd-1USorry about the lack of a link but this site doesn''t work with good browsers like Chrome.Davo[/quote]Why me especially? lol Very funny. Must see that film then. Taratino''s brilliant at quirky. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted June 12, 2010 [quote user="Mister Chops"]I hope you''re not one of those Nana''s who spends all day on the Net and doesn''t get any exercise.Oh, no, miss, I often sit around watching TV and not getting exercise either, and I''m about to start another thread to tell you about it.[:P][/quote] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sideshow Tim 110 Posted June 12, 2010 An 86 year old lady is limping past Anfield Stadium carrying 6 heavy bags. The Liverpool Chief Executive calls to her out of the window. ''''Can you manage love?'''' The old lady shouts back ''''F**k off i don''t want the job'''' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
