The Butler's Much Celebrated Friday Joke Thread

[First Wazzock 1,013]

Just found I''ve got the Robert Green Virus - Can''t save anything on my computer.

[First Wazzock 1,013]

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

 
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister,  I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."  Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.  "See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..... On any land.  No questions asked or answers given.  Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand? "

 
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

 
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher''s big Santa Gertrudis bull...... 

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he''ll get gored before he reaches safety. 

The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

 
" Your badge. Show him your F****** BADGE ! "

[First Wazzock 1,013]

PERCEPTIONS
 
Two women are chatting in an office.
 
Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
 
Woman 2: Yes.
 
Woman 1: Was it good?
 
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner  in
three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five  minutes,
rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
 
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a
romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home  he
lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then
had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked  for an
hour. It was like a fairytale!
 
 
 
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
 
Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
 
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with
my wife and fell asleep. It was great!  What about you?
 
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there''s no dinner because  they cut
the electricity because I hadn''t paid the bill; so I had to  take my wife
out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn''t have  money left for a
cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and  when we got home remember
there was no electricity so I had to light  candles all over the house! I
was so angry that I couldn''t get it up  for an hour and then I couldn''t
climax for another hour. After I  finally did, I was so aggravated that I
couldn''t fall asleep and my  wife was jabbering away for another hour!

[Barclay hero 0]

[quote user="First Wazzock"]Just found I''ve got the Robert Green Virus - Can''t save anything on my computer.[/quote]

Maybe Rio could advertise "Injury Lawyers 4 U" - .....Had an accident at work?

[First Wazzock 1,013]

A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very
elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, ''I am so sorry, I was just
thinking of my own funeral... I''m a gynaecologist.''

The vicar fainted.

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

Woman’s Diary

12 March Saturday

Saw him in the

evening and he was acting really strangely.

I''d been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late

meeting him, thought it might be that.

The pub was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere

quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went

somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn''t seem himself - he hardly laughed and

didn''t seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I

just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, he

hesitated, but followed.

I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned

the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to

bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply, he

just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn''t follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my

surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep - I think he''s planning to leave me - maybe he''s

found someone else.

-

MAN''S DIARY:

Saturday 12 March

England lost the rugby.

Gutted.

Got a shag though.

[First Wazzock 1,013]

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- - *
*

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I''m gonna have the day off, I''m gonna pretend I''m
mad!"

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I''M A LIGHTBULB!

I''M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you''re mad, go home" So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can''t work in the dark!" says Murphy. *

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- - *
*

Q. What''s a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you''ve got to watch your arse if you get
a dodgy one! *

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

 Doctor: "What  happened?"    Woman: "Doctor, I don''t know what  to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to  a

pulp."      Doctor: "I have a real  good medicine for that. When your

husband comes home  drunk, just take a

glass of  sweet tea and start swishing

it in your  mouth.  Just swish and  swish

but don''t  swallow until he goes to bed and is  asleep."           Two  weeks later the woman comes

 back to the doctor  looking fresh and reborn. Woman: "Doctor that was a  brilliant idea! Every time my

husband came  home drunk, I swished

with sweet  tea.  I swished  and

swished, and he didn''t touch me!" 

Doctor: "You see how

much keeping your mouth  shut helps?"

[First Wazzock 1,013]

Q: Doctor,  I''ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true?
 
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don''t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap. 

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?  

A:  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
 
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
 
A: Can''t think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain...good!
         
Q:  Aren''t fried foods bad for you?  

A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.  How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!? 

Q
:  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 

A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. 
Q:  Is chocolate bad for me? 
 
A:  Are you crazy?!?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure? 
A:  If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
 
A:  Hey!  ''Round'' is shape!  
 
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And  remember: 

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
   
AND.....

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here''s the final word on nutrition and health.  It''s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.  

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.. 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

A little

boy comes downstairs for breakfast.

 Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he

has done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells

him no breakfast until he does his chores. So he goes to feed  the

chickens, but he''s a little resentful, so he kicks a chicken. He feeds

the cows, and he kicks a cow. He feeds the pigs, and he kicks a pig.He

goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry

cereal."How come I don''t get any  eggs and bacon, and why don''t I have

any milk in my  cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother  says, "I saw you

kick a chicken, so you don''t get any eggs for a  week. I saw you kick

the pig, so you don''t get any bacon for a week either.I saw you kick the

cow,  so for a week you aren''t getting any milk."Just then, the boy''s

father  comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat half way

 across the kitchen.The little boy looks up at his mother with a wicked

smile and says, "You gonna tell him, or should  I?"

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

Gentle

exercise for the more mature. I tried it, I liked it, you will too!

The 

older we get the more important it is to  incorporate exercise into our

daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and

maintain muscle mass.

 

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

  

SCROLL DOWN.............

  

 

NOW SCROLL UP..

That''s enough for the first day.  Great job.

Have a glass of wine

[First Wazzock 1,013]

Japanese scientists have created  a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with  her mouth shut. 

 
A boy  asks his granny, ''Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?''
Granny  replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!  

 
Little  Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy  comes downstairs and asks, ''Dad, what''s love juice?''
Dad looks horrified  and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in  amazement.
Dad says, ''So what were you watching?''
Billy says,  ''Wimbledon.'' 

 
A  woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible,  I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.''
He replies, ''Your eyesight is  perfect.'' 

 
 
Wife  gets naked & asks hubby, ''What turns you on more, my pretty face or my  sexy body?''
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, ''Your sense of  humour! 

 
An  elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans  over and says to her husband, ''I just let out a silent fart; what do you think  I should do?''
He replies, ''Put a new battery in your hearing  aid.''   

[Howson is now! 0]

Rumour has it that England fans have nothing to worry about ahead of todays match. 4000 shots were fired at Robert Green yesterday and not a single one made it past him. Apparently Green and Heskey will meet back up with the rest of the team today in prep for the Algeria game.

[First Wazzock 1,013]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
 
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper''s cemetery in the
Kentucky  back-country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I
didn''t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the
funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There
were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt
badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
already in place. I didn''t know what else to do, so I started to play. The
workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my
heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I''ve
never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ''Amazing
Grace'' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
 
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my
head hung low, my heart was full. As I was opening the door to my car, I
heard one of the worker say;
 
 
 "I never seen nothin'' like that before and I''ve been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

What Religion is Your Bra?

 

 

A man walked into the ladies department of Myer''s and

shyly walked up to

the woman behind the counter and said,

''I''d like to buy a bra for my wife. ''

'' What type of

bra?''

asked the clerk.

''Type?'' inquires the man, ''There''s more than one

type?''

'' Look around,''

said the saleslady, as she showed a

sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and

material imaginable.

''Actually, even with all of this variety, there are

really only four types of bras to choose from .''

Relieved, the man asked about

the types.

The saleslady replied:

''There are the Catholic,

the Salvation Army,

the Presbyterian,

and the Baptist types.

Which one would you prefer?''

Now totally befuddled, the

man asked about the differences between

them.

The Saleslady responded,

''It is all really quite simple.

The Catholic type supports the

masses;

The Salvation Army type

lifts the fallen;

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;

The Baptist type makes mountains out of

molehills.''

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G,

and H are the letters used

to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but

couldn''t figure out what the

letters stood for,

it is about time you became

informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...

{B} Barely there....

{C} Can''t Complain!..

{D} Dang!...

{DD} Double dang!...

{E} Enormous!...

{F} Fake...

{G} Get a Reduction...

{H} Help me, I''ve fallen

and I can''t get up!...

Send this to  all that will

appreciate it! They forgot the German bra.

 

Holtzemfromfloppen

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

Sometimes...

when you cry.....                 no one sees your tears.

Sometimes...

when you are in pain...        no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes...

when you are worried...       no one sees your stress

Sometimes..

when you are happy...          no one sees your smile ..

But FART!!!just ONE time...

And everybody knows!!

Gotcha!!You thought this was going to be one of those

heart-touching stories!

[First Wazzock 1,013]

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show
was in progress.  The thin one leaned over and said,''Life is so boring. We never have any fun any
more. For £10 I''d take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!''

 

''You''re on!'' said the other old lady, holding up a £10 note.

 

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,completely naked, streaked
(as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.  Waiting outside, her friend
soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

 

Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.

 
''What happened?'' asked her waiting friend.

 

''I won £1000 as 1st prize for ''Best Dried Arrangement....!!!''

[First Wazzock 1,013]

Alzheimer''s protest march.

''What do we want?''

''F*** knows''

''When do we want it?''

''Want what?''

[First Wazzock 1,013]

Flights have been delayed yet again.

A Cumbrian crematorium has apologised and said they''ll be done as soon as they can.

[First Wazzock 1,013]

After having sex with an Ipswich girl there is nothing worse than looking down and seeing a broken condom.

Especially when you weren''t wearing one when you started. [+o(]

[TIL 1010 5,246]

Watching the World Cup is like being married.You should enjoy it but there is this constant droning in the background.

[William Darby 0]

Wazzock said to his next door neighbour, ''I''m better than you''.His neighbour replied, ''Eh? I never said you wasn''t''''But I am'' said Wazzock, ''I haven''t got a tw@t living next door to me''.

[morty 0]

Q: What is a pirate''s favourite shop?A: Arrrrrrrgos.

[Mister Chops 7]

This week''s thread is certified [img]http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_5PnIOUFzRXk/Ss8uXZEgpWI/AAAAAAAAAMw/TokIljK2b-w/s400/PG_BBFC.gif[/img]

[Bill 1,788]

it''s as if the 1970''s have never gone away

[I am a Banana 0]

[quote user="Barclay hero"]

[quote user="First Wazzock"]Just found I''ve got the Robert Green Virus - Can''t save anything on my computer.[/quote]

Maybe Rio could advertise "Injury Lawyers 4 U" - .....Had an accident at work?

[/quote]

he will probably claim

[I am a Banana 0]

[quote user="TIL 1010"]Watching the World Cup is like being married.You should enjoy it but there is this constant droning in the background.[/quote][y]