Friday Guys and Gals

[The Butler 0]

The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed. 

1. A young Canadian man from Newfoundland, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

2. A 34-year-old male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6''2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman''s wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl''s uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube''s other end was inserted into his rear end for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

3. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
 
4. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver''s attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi''s life, the woman lost her own.

5. A 22-year-old Reston, VA man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground", Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma".

6. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt, a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalised.

7. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked (you can see what''s coming, can''t you?). Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been
thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.

8.A guy buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for 30 thousand dollars and has 400+ dollar monthly payments.  He immediately gets hold of his friend and they go do some male bonding.  They go duck hunting and as it is winter all the lakes are frozen. These 2 atomic brains go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle.  They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. They want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck wants to fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40 second fuse. Now these two rocket scientists do take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly going up in smoke with the resulting blast.  So, they decide to light this 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite Remember the dog? A highly trained black lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner. The dog takes off at a high rate of  speed on the ice and gets the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse. The dog heads back towards its master with the stick of dynamite. Panicking his master grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog.  The shotgun is loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a black lab on its appointed rounds.  Dog stops for a moment, slightly confused and continues on.  Another shot and this time the dog becomes really confused, and of course scared, and takes off to find cover with the now really short short fuse burning on this stick of dynamite. The cover the dogs finds?  Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee 30 some thousand dollar, 400+ monthly payment vehicle sitting on the lake ice.
BOOM!
Dog dies; it and the brand new Grand Cherokee 30 thousand dollar, 400+ monthly payment vehicle sink to the bottom of the lake leaving the two candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with this "I can''t believe this happened" look on their faces. Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company which tells him that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He had yet to make the first of those 400+ dollar a month payments.

This last one should have joined sooner!![:D]

A  mother  took  her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination  to  determine  the cause of her daughter''s swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about  2 seconds to say "Gimmee a break lady! Your daughter  is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation  by  having  sex  with  a  boy.  The doctor faced the window and silently  watched the horizon. The mother became enraged an screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren''t you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I  am paying attention ma''am. It''s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant".

 

That''s it from me I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT MAY FOLLOW[;)]

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

The government is worried that men''s willies are getting smaller. To find out how great the problem is they have asked all men with penises smaller than three inches to put a white flag with a red cross on their car...

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

The Bathtub Test.

During a visit to the seniors home, I asked the director how do you

determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a

teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to

empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket

because it''s bigger than the spoon or the

teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you

want a bed near the window?" 

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

GIRLS'' NIGHT OUTTwo women friends had gone for a Girls'' Night Out, but had been decidedlyover-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and staggeringhome, they needed to pee.They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their businessbehind a headstone or something.One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she''d take off her pantiesand use them, then throw them away.Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn''t wantto ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath thatwas on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.They then made off for home.The next day one woman''s husband phoned the other husband and said, "Thesedamned girls'' nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night withouther panties.""That''s nothing," said the other, "Mine came back with a ribbon and card stuckbetween the cheeks of her butt that said ''From all of us at the Fire Station.We''ll never forget you''."

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

Just had to share this The Man

Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all

down

 

  Finally , the guys'' side of the story.

( I must

admit, it''s pretty good.)

We always hear " the rules"

From the female side....

 

  Now here are the rules from the male side.    

These are our rules!

Please note... these

are all numbered "1 "

ON PURPOSE!  

 

 

1.   Men are NOT

mind readers.

(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

 

 

1. Learn to work

the toilet seat.

You''re a big girl. If it''s

up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it

down.

You don''t hear us

complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It''s like

the full moon

or the changing of the

tides.

Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly

acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem

only if

you want help solving it. That''s what we do.

Sympathy is what your

girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6

months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments

become Null and void after 7 Days..

1. If you think you''re

fat, you probably are.

Don''t ask us..

1. If something we said

can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,

we meant the   other one

1. You can either ask

us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.

If you already know

best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible,

Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus

did NOT

need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only

16 colours, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a

fruit, not A colour.

Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea

what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong

and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing''s wrong..

We know you are lying, but

it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you

don''t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don''t want to hear.

1. When we have to go

somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don''t ask us what

we''re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as

Football or Hockey.

1. You have enough

clothes.

1. You have too many

shoes.

1. I am in shape.   Round IS a

shape!

1. Thank you for

reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to

sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really

don''t mind that? It''s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as

you can -

to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women

as you can - to give them a bigger laugh !

[First Wazzock 902]

A man goes to see his Doc as he has an orange willy.

The Doc is baffled, is it anything to do with your job he asks.

The man says No I am unempolyed.

How do spend your day asks the Doc.

Looking at internet porn and eating Wotsits came the reply.

[First Wazzock 902]

NOTE FOUND ON THE REFRIGERATOR ONE MORNING...

My
Dear Honey,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that
You, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value
You as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that
You will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the
Evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don''t be upset; I shall be home before midnight.''

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on
The dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter, and thank you
For your honesty about me being 54
Years old. I would like to take this
Opportunity to remind you that you
Are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a
Math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be
At the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students,
Who is also the assistant tennis coach.
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is
18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an
Excellent knowledge of math, you
Will understand that we are in the same
Situation, although with one small
Difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more
Times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime
Tomorrow..

[First Wazzock 902]

Last night, the Old Man and I were sitting in the living room and I said to him:
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle."

He got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw my wine away. 

B*****d.

[First Wazzock 902]

MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.  Worried that the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the  family''s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
''Oh Mom! You don''t have to worry about that! I''m dating Susan!''

TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher''s hand. He said, ''Preacher, I''ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!''
The preacher said, ''Thank you sir, but I''d rather you didn''t use profanity.''
The man said, ''I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!''
The preacher said, ''No s**t!''

WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, ''Just feed him pancakes.  That should solve the problem.''
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
''Gee, Mom,'' he exclaimed. ''For me?''
''Just take two,'' Brenda replied.  ''The rest are for your father.''

THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.  She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.  Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defence.
 ''Your Honour,'' she began coolly, ''I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.''

FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in  Tampa.  ''The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.  However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?''
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ''Wedding Cake.''

SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone''s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob''s arm and listens intently to his every word.  His buddies at the club are all aghast.  At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ''Bob, how''d you get the trophy girlfriend?''  Bob replies, ''Girlfriend?  She''s my wife!''  They are knocked over, but continue to ask.  ''So, how''d you persuade her to marry you?''  ''I lied about my age'', Bob replies. ''What, did you tell her - you were only 50?''
Bob smiles and says, ''No, I told her I was 90.''

SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through  Holland.  As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat''s milk was used.  She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.  ''These'' she explained, ''Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.''  She then asked, ''What do you do in  America  with your old goats?''
A spry old gentleman answered, ''They send us on bus tours!

[First Wazzock 902]

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.  Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife''s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn''t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
   

They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, ''Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now.''

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  ''Why, nothing,'' Peter replied, ''remember, this is your reward in Heaven..''
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
''What are the greens fees?,'' grumbled the old man.
''This is heaven,'' St. Peter replied.  ''You can play for free, every day.''
             

 

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
''Don''t even ask,'' said St. Peter to the man..  This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.''

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

''Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,'' he asked.
That''s the best part,'' St. Peter replied.  ''You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.   This is Heaven!''

The old man pushed, ''No gym to work out at?''
''Not unless you want to,'' was the answer.
''No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....''
''Never again.  All you do here is enjoy yourself.''
                                         
The old man glared at his wife and said, ''You and your f....ing bran Flakes. 
We could have been here ten years ago!''

[morty 0]

A man was rushed to hospital when a bizarre sexgame went wrong leaving him with six toy horsesstuck up his arse.Doctors described his condition as stable.

[William Darby 0]

What word begins with ''N'' and ends in ''R'' an you wouldn''t want to call a black man with it?

Neighbour

[William Darby 0]

Butler goes to the Norwich red light district.  A prostitute asks, ''Do you want a blow job?''Butler says, ''Will it effect my dole money?''

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

This

was quite an eye opener!!!!

 

  Question 1: 

 

 If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids

already, 

three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and 

she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion? 

 

Read the next question before looking at the response for this one. 

 

Question 2: 

 

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your

vote 

counts. 

Here are the facts about the three candidates. 

  

Candidate A: 

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. 

He''s had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 

Martinis a day. 

 

Candidate B: 

He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium 

in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening. 

 

Candidate C:

 

He is a decorated war hero. He''s a vegetarian, doesn''t smoke, 

drinks an occasional beer and never committed adultery. 

  

Which of these candidates would be our choice? 

 

Decide first... No peeking, and then scroll down for the 

response. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt. 

Candidate B is Winston Churchill. 

Candidate C is Adolf Hitler. 

 

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: 

If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven. 

 

Pretty interesting isn''t it? 

Makes a person think before judging someone. 

 

Remember: 

 

Amateurs ... Built the ark. 

Professionals ... Built the Titanic