The Butler 0 Posted May 20, 2010 As someone has brought back an old post thought I had better put one up for this week![:D]How to climb tha management ladder.Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, ''I''ll give you £800 to drop that towel.'' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ''Who was that?'' ''It was Bob the next door neighbour,'' she replies. ''Great,'' the husband says, ''did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?'' Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, ''Father, remember Psalm 129?'' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ''Father, remember Psalm 129?'' The priest apologized ''Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ''Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ''I''ll give each of you just one wish.'' ''Me first! Me first!'' says the admin clerk. ''I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'' Puff! She''s gone. ''Me next! Me next!'' says the sales rep. ''I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'' Puff! He''s gone. ''OK, you''re up,'' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ''I want those two back in the office after lunch.'' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. Lesson 4 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ''Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'' The eagle answered: ''Sure, why not.'' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. ''I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree'' sighed the turkey, ''but I haven''t got the energy.'' ''Well, why don''t you nibble on some of my droppings?'' replied the bull. They''re packed with nutrients.'' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough Strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won''t keep you there.. Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend. (3) And when you''re in deep sh*t, it''s best to keep your mouth shut! THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
morty 0 Posted May 20, 2010 Q: What do you call a Pakistani Elvis impersonator?A: Amal Shukup. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted May 20, 2010 There are female jokes and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I''ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00... On one condition..." Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man''s hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said...."Clean my house." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted May 20, 2010 A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu. +Tourist: $5.00 +Broiled Missionary: $10.00 +Fried Explorer: $15.00 +Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politicians?"The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?They''re so full of sh*t, it takes all morning." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Brendo 0 Posted May 20, 2010 [IMG]http://i45.tinypic.com/2aka4h2.jpg[/IMG][Y] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
William Darby 0 Posted May 20, 2010 Two days of this sh*t now? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted May 20, 2010 An atheist was walking through the woods.''What majestic trees!''What powerful rivers!''What beautiful animals!He said to himself.As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.He tripped and fell on the ground.He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him... At that instant the Atheist cried out, ''Oh my God!''Time Stopped.The bear froze.The forest was silent.As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.''You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don''t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'' ''Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?Am I to count you as a believer?The atheist looked directly into the light, ''It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian''?''Very well,'' said the voice.The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: ''For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful, Amen.'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted May 20, 2010 [quote user="ſilly ſauſage"]Two days of this sh*t now?[/quote]That''s OK we''ve had several days of your crap. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
barclay46 0 Posted May 20, 2010 [quote user="ſilly ſauſage"]Two days of this sh*t now?[/quote] With the silly sausage jumping up & down & you call the jokes sh*t!!!??? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
barclay46 0 Posted May 20, 2010 Wife with PMT:- " OY, YOU WANT ANYTHING TO EAT?"Husband, "What choices are there?"Wife, "YES OR F******G NO!!!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted May 20, 2010 Harry: Whenever I get mad at you, you never seem to get upset. How do you manage to control your temper?Elsie: I just go and clean the toilet.Harry: How does that help?Elsie: I use your toothbrush. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted May 20, 2010 Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter...10 men and 1 woman.The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave,because otherwise they were all going to fall.They weren''t able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . .. . . . Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
William Darby 0 Posted May 20, 2010 [quote user="First Wazzock"][quote user="ſilly ſauſage"]Two days of this sh*t now?[/quote]That''s OK we''ve had several days of your crap.[/quote]I''ve trained myself to defecate in the designated areas [:)]What''s next? A copy & Paste Monday thread? Tuesday thread? Every day? Why can''t attention seekers just post in the right forum instead of dumping it where ever they feel like? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted May 20, 2010 [quote user="ſilly ſauſage"][quote user="First Wazzock"][quote user="ſilly ſauſage"]Two days of this sh*t now?[/quote]That''s OK we''ve had several days of your crap.[/quote]I''ve trained myself to defecate in the designated areas [:)]What''s next? A copy & Paste Monday thread? Tuesday thread? Every day? Why can''t attention seekers just post in the right forum instead of dumping it where ever they feel like?[/quote]I''m sure Pete will remove it if he sees fit, he is the censor not you.If you don''t like it, you know what it is, don''t look.There are actually some people who like the joke thread. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
William Darby 0 Posted May 20, 2010 [quote user="First Wazzock"][quote user="ſilly ſauſage"][quote user="First Wazzock"][quote user="ſilly ſauſage"]Two days of this sh*t now?[/quote]That''s OK we''ve had several days of your crap.[/quote]I''ve trained myself to defecate in the designated areas [:)]What''s next? A copy & Paste Monday thread? Tuesday thread? Every day? Why can''t attention seekers just post in the right forum instead of dumping it where ever they feel like?[/quote]I''m sure Pete will remove it if he sees fit, he is the censor not you.If you don''t like it, you know what it is, don''t look.There are actually some people who like the joke thread.[/quote]A stock reply there''s a surprise. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
YankeeCanary 0 Posted May 20, 2010 Siamese twins walk into a pub in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.One of them says to the bartender, ''Don''t mind us; we''re joined at the hip. I''m John, he''s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.''The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.''Been on holiday yet, lads?''''Off to England next month,'' says John. ''We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don''t we, Jim?'' Jim agrees.''Ah, England!'' says the bartender. ''Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture...''''Nah, we don''t like that British crap,'' says John.''Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that''s us, eh Jim? And we can''t stand the English - they''re so arrogant and rude.''''So why keep going to England?'' asks the bartender.''It''s the only chance Jim gets to drive.'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Divs crew! 0 Posted May 20, 2010 A very tired nurse walks into a bank,totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque,she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purseand tries to write with it.When she realises her mistake,she looks at the flabbergasted teller,and without missing a beat, she says:''Well, that''s great....that''s just great.... Some ars*hole''s got my pen!'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted May 21, 2010 The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi playfootball, is suitably impressed, and arranges for him to come over toAnfield.Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutesleft.The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the gamefor Liverpool.The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and themedia love the new star.When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her abouthis first day in English football.''Hello mum, guess what?'' he says ''I played for 20 minutes today, we were4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, themedia, they all love me.''''Wonderful,'' says his mum, ''Let me tell you about my day. Your fathergot shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed,raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and allwhile you were having such great time.''The young lad is very upset. ''What can I say mum, but I''m so sorry.....''"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum,"It''s your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Messiah 0 Posted May 21, 2010 [quote]A stock reply there''s a surprise.[/quote]Can''t say that your response was very imaginative either bud.If you''re gonna argue, put some effort in to it.Or shut up. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Shack Attack 0 Posted May 21, 2010 [quote user="First Wazzock"]I''m sure Pete will remove it if he sees fit, he is the censor not you.[/quote]Funny how he''s created a separate World Cup 2010 sub-forum but this seems to be OK in here [^o)] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Butler 0 Posted May 21, 2010 [quote user="ſilly ſauſage"][quote user="First Wazzock"][quote user="ſilly ſauſage"][quote user="First Wazzock"] [quote user="ſilly ſauſage"]Two days of this sh*t now?[/quote]That''s OK we''ve had several days of your crap.[/quote]I''ve trained myself to defecate in the designated areas [:)]What''s next? A copy & Paste Monday thread? Tuesday thread? Every day? Why can''t attention seekers just post in the right forum instead of dumping it where ever they feel like?[/quote]I''m sure Pete will remove it if he sees fit, he is the censor not you.If you don''t like it, you know what it is, don''t look.There are actually some people who like the joke thread.[/quote]A stock reply there''s a surprise.[/quote]Filly faufage the only person to fail the village idiot interview by being over qualified Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
25overpar 0 Posted May 21, 2010 [quote user="ſilly ſauſage"]Two days of this sh*t now?[/quote]Thanks Butler, I am sure I''m not in the minority in looking forward to this every Friday. It brightens the day to have a bit of a laugh. Most of us understand the concept of humour, you don''t take it literally and you see it for what it is ....A JOKE! Please go away faufage (really funny name by the way.....Not) and get a life. Who the hell asked you to read this thread anyway? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Beauseant 0 Posted May 21, 2010 [quote user="Shack Attack"][quote user="First Wazzock"] I''m sure Pete will remove it if he sees fit, he is the censor not you.[/quote]Funny how he''s created a separate World Cup 2010 sub-forum but this seems to be OK in here [^o)][/quote] Strange also that those who have railed against the joke thread turned a blind eye to some extremely offensive comments about wheelchair users by one of their own number last week. The problem with trying to claim the moral high ground is that you then have to live up to your principles instead of simply broadcasting them. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
norfolkbroadslim 223 Posted May 21, 2010 How do you get a clown off a swing? Hit him in the face with an axe....... ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... The definition of indefinitely? Well, when your balls are slapping against her ass, I would say you were in, definitely. ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... So, if a Stork brings white babies and a crow brings black babies, what type of bird brings no babies? A Swallow.......... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Horn 0 Posted May 21, 2010 1.Teaching Maths In 1970A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.What is his profit?2.Teaching Maths In 1980A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.His cost of production is 80% of the price.What is his profit? 3.Teaching Maths In 1990A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.His cost of production is £80.How much was his profit? 4.Teaching Maths In 2000A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.Your assignment: Underline the number 20. 5.Teaching Maths In 2005A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate andcares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands!Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as thelogger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20. 6.Teaching Maths In 2009A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive toMuslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He isalso fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislationas it deemed too dangerous and could cut something!. He has used the chainsaw forover 20 years without incident, however he does not have the correct certificateof competence and is therefore considered to b e a recidivist and habitualcriminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout allgovernment agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to findGypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He triesto throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority,imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cutdown the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving Barbeque of squirrel and pheasant and depart leavingbehind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on releaseis warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his owncost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution,breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by aregulated government contractor.Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested andfined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work,give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life? 7.Teaching Maths In 2010A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy anew lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative ofsecuritised debt, related to sub-prime mortgages in Alabama and lost thelot, with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to theirsenior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it wasbuilt in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on theroad. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home,while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questionedthey speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government''sexpense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests,is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his oldlorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are notcheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the differenceon expenses and allowances.You do the maths. 8.Teaching Maths 2017 أ المسجلتبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D8جمن الثمن Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rjwc22 0 Posted May 21, 2010 Lovely stuff lord Horn!!!Amusing, a little bit of satire and a nice bit of casual racism.That is the first one from this thread I have seen fit to forward on! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Holt 520 Posted May 21, 2010 This Tory government is much like a rainbow.It looks good from a distance, but on close inspection it has no real substance, you can see right through it and it''s only there because of the sun. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
morty 0 Posted May 21, 2010 My wife said I have commitment issues,So I two-footed slide tackled herI was watching porn with the missus and she complained "This is so unrealistic."I said, "Just because you''re unwilling to try new things, doesn''t mean everyone''s that frigid.""Not that," she explained, "It''s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks." This Tory government is much like a rainbow.It looks good from a distance, but on close inspection it has no real substance, you can see right through it and it''s only there because of the sun. Knock knock ......Who''s there ? ...... David ...... David Who ? ...... Gordon open the f ucking door and get out of my house. My wife said to me, "I''ve just heard some great news, apparently the police know who the local paedophile is and they are going to arrest him tonight."I said, "That''s brilliant news. Let''s celebrate by moving to Australia." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Holt 520 Posted May 21, 2010 Come on now, don''t be stealing from sikipedia. That doesn''t count. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites