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The Butler

The love/hate Friday thread

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Doomy and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Norwich to Aberdeen. Doomy leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

 

Doomy persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don''t know the answer, you pay me £5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

 

Doomy, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don''t know the answer you pay me £5, and if I don''t know the answer, I will pay you £500," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde''s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

 

Doomy asks the first question. "What''s the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn''t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five pounds and hands it to Doomy. Now, it''s the blonde''s turn.

 

She asks Doomy: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" Doomy looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library.

 

Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her £500. The blonde politely takes the £500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

 

Doomy, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer £5, and goes back to sleep!

 

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, ''A hamburger, fries and a coke,'' and turns to the ostrich, ''What''s yours?''

''I''ll have the same,'' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order ''That will be £9.40 please,'' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ''A hamburger, fries and a coke.''

The ostrich says, ''I''ll have the same.''

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. ''The usual?'' asks the waitress.

''No, this is Friday so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,'' says the man.

''Same,'' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ''That will be £32.62.''

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ''Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?

''Well,'' says the man, ''several years ago I was cleaning the attic I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.''

''That''s brilliant!'' says the waitress. ''Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you''ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!''

''That''s right. Whether it''s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,'' says the man..

The waitress asks, ''What''s with the ostrich?''

The man sighs... pauses and answers, ''My second wish was for a chick with long legs and who agrees with everything I say.''

 

No offence was intended or harm done to any blonde or Ostrich in the making of these jokes.

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Draw a Picture of Mummy at Work

Favourite Tall Tales

Here is a copy of Mummy''s note, the next day, for the teacher:

Dear Miss Greenwood,

That is not a dance pole on stage in a dancing club. I work at Wal Mart and that''s me selling a shovel.

Yours faithfully, Sarah Fogarty

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Paddy tells Mike he is thinking of buying a labrador.Don''t be stupid says Mike"have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

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[quote user="lincoln canary"]

[quote user="Captain Holt"]Anyone fancy a game of Rugby League? Bradford are missing 3 hookers.[/quote]

 

hmmmmmm..................... I think thats funny, im just not sure wheter i should laugh out loud

[/quote]

hmmmmmmmmmm............ three sad drug using women, struggling with life and failing miserably are brutally murdered in horrific circumstances (the police suspect elements of cannabalism in the crimes) leaving traumatised families and friends.   Not quite sure that i can see your dilemma but respect to you for at least having one.

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Liverpool have made two new signings,a Japanese and an Italian.Benitez says they should fit in well with scouse culture.Their names are Nikamota and Robatelli.

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I got stopped by the Police at 2am this morning and was asked where i was going.I told them i was going to listen to ma lecture about the effects of alcohol on the human body.They then asked who was giving a lecture at that time of the morning?I said the wife.

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I got home yesterday and found the wife dead in the washing machine.I am upset but at least i know she died in Comfort.

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[quote user="CambridgeCanary"]

[quote user="Captain Holt"]Anyone fancy a game of Rugby League? Bradford are missing 3 hookers.[/quote]

Shame on you you sick pathetic cretin

[/quote]

Get a grip!!

That''s nothing compared with all the jokes that go round!!

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[quote user="Dogger "][quote user="CambridgeCanary"]

[quote user="Captain Holt"]Anyone fancy a game of Rugby League? Bradford are missing 3 hookers.[/quote]

Shame on you you sick pathetic cretin

[/quote]

Get a grip!!

That''s nothing compared with all the jokes that go round!!

[/quote]

So what!!  There are all sorts of things going on out there.  It does not make it right or acceptable to put it on here.   By your logic, as there is loads of child pornography out there, it would not matter if some was on the PinkUn.   "Those pictures are nothing compared with all the photos that go round"

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A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men''s toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn''t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, ''You must be in year four.''
''No madam,'' he replied. ''I''m riding Silver Arrow in the 3.30.

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A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he''s getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: ''My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it''s at the panel beaters it''ll simply never be the same again!''

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

''I can''t believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,'' he says. ''You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don''t notice anything else in your life.''

''How can you say such a thing at a time like this?'' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, ''Didn''t you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.''

The Banker looks down in horror.

''******* HELL!'' he screams........''Where''s my Rolex????... 

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A  group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed  to Nursery.
The  biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher  insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use ''Big People'' words,''  she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend? 

''I  went to visit my Nana''.
No, you went to visit your  GRANDMOTHER.

Use ''Big People'' words!''

She then asked Mitchell what he had done

''I took a ride on a choo-choo''.
She said. ''No, you took a ride  on a TRAIN.

You  must remember to use ''Big People'' words''.

She then  asked little Alex what he had done?

''I read a book'' he replied.
That''s WONDERFUL!'' the teacher said.

''What book did you read?''


Alex thought real hard about it,

then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said 
   

''Winnie the SHIT''.

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An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.
He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.  As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" 
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,  "Well, you old fool, you''re gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man''s feet. 
The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.  Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
 The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. 
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. 
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.  The silence was almost deafening. 
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man''s hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule''s ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I''ve always wanted to."

 
There are a few lessons for us all here:

 
Never be arrogant.
Don''t waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you''re smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don''t mess with old men, they didn''t get old by being stupid. 

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Mick, from Dublin, appeared on ''Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'' - and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You''ve done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show''s presenter, "but for a million euros you''ve only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question.  Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I''ll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

A) Sparrow

B) Thrush,

C) Magpie,

D) Cuckoo?"

"I haven''t got a clue." said Mick, ''''So I''ll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
 
"******* hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat''s simple – it''s s a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I''m ******* sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I''ll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause – and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!  Mick, you''ve won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy?  How in Heaven''s name did you know it was DA Cuckoo that doesn''t build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a ******* clock!"

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ZEN TEACHINGS
    
1.  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2.    Sex is like air.  It''s not that important unless you aren''t getting any.

3.    No one is listening until you fart.

4.     Always remember you''re unique. Just like everyone else.

5.     Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6.     If you think nobody cares whether you''re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7.     Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you''re a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.     If at first you don''t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9.     Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10.    If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.  

11.    If you tell the truth, you don''t have to remember anything.

12.    Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

13.    Don''t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14.     Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15.     A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16.     There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17.     Generally speaking, you aren''t learning much when your lips are moving.

18.     Experience is something you don''t get until just after you need it.

19.     We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.

20.     Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven''t made you feel ill at ease; it''s just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That''s okay."

"I know it''s silly, but if you''d call out "Good bye, Mum" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone''s day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to £121.85," said the clerk..

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you''d be paying for her things, too."
 
 

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CC get over ya self its a JOKE! lifes a joke ............the way your acting your a F**king joke too......if you dont like jokes why read this thread?......But i suppose your holier than tho and have never spewed forth a joke thats on or near the mark? .........sure i believe you cause i know ur gonna say no.

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[quote user="cosmos67"]CC get over ya self its a JOKE! lifes a joke ............the way your acting your a F**king joke too......if you dont like jokes why read this thread?......But i suppose your holier than tho and have never spewed forth a joke thats on or near the mark? .........sure i believe you cause i know ur gonna say no.[/quote]

I enjoy a joke.  Just enjoyed First wazzock''s efforts today.  i read this thread because it can be very funny.   There are lines between what is on the mark and what is way, way over it.   That joke was so far the other side of the mark as to disappear into the distance.   You cannot excuse anything on the basis that it is just a joke.  Some things are so sick as to be unacceptable.   There must be some "good" jokes around about child abuse but i don''t find that acceptable and do not want to hear them.

Three real women have been abused and killed in horrific circumstances.   How, exactly is that funny??

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[quote user="Captain Holt"]Cheers for the backup guys. Not all PC brigade members on here then.[/quote]

No, the mix between the PC brigade and the sick, sad joke brigade seems pretty balanced

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No but then i don''t get all pathetic over a joke! Seems like it touched a nerve??[^o)]

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[quote user="Dogger "]

No but then i don''t get all pathetic over a joke! Seems like it touched a nerve??[^o)]

[/quote]I know!  Honestly!  I don''t know what the world''s coming to when three vulnerable women are brutally murdered, and some people can''t laugh about it...

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[quote user="CambridgeCanary"][quote user="Dogger "][quote user="CambridgeCanary"][quote user="Dogger "][quote user="CambridgeCanary"]

[quote user="Captain Holt"]Anyone fancy a game of Rugby League? Bradford are missing 3 hookers.[/quote]

Shame on you you sick pathetic cretin

[/quote]

Get a grip!!

That''s nothing compared with all the jokes that go round!!

[/quote]

So what!!  There are all sorts of things going on out there.  It does not make it right or acceptable to put it on here.   By your logic, as there is loads of child pornography out there, it would not matter if some was on the PinkUn.   "Those pictures are nothing compared with all the photos that go round"

[/quote]

Your mum wasn''t a prozzie by any chance??

T W A T

[/quote]

On reflection, it is interesting that you respond to argument with abuse and not counter argument.  But then again, there is no counter argument is there?

[/quote]

Did you not throw abuse at Captain Holt???

Do you ever watch comedians like Frankie Boyle? That''s his style, let yourself go and stop feeling guilty, unless you have something to hide?

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I wonder if cambridge canary was at Portman road a couple of years back when the whole of the Norwich end was chanting Stevie Wright, Wright, Wright. Guess we all must be sick then!!

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Any situtation and any topic no matter how horrific can be funny. However it''s both the context of the joke and the audiance in which you are saying it to. The trouble is on an internet message board where all kinds of people from different sections of society read and through written word it''s difficult to pick up on the context and the irony. There''s obviously an issue with the freshness of the story however I agree had these 3 women been 3 middle class mothers from Norwich would you be making the same gag, so soon?

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[quote user="Dogger "][quote user="CambridgeCanary"][quote user="Dogger "][quote user="CambridgeCanary"][quote user="Dogger "][quote user="CambridgeCanary"]

[quote user="Captain Holt"]Anyone fancy a game of Rugby League? Bradford are missing 3 hookers.[/quote]

Shame on you you sick pathetic cretin

[/quote]

Get a grip!!

That''s nothing compared with all the jokes that go round!!

[/quote]

So what!!  There are all sorts of things going on out there.  It does not make it right or acceptable to put it on here.   By your logic, as there is loads of child pornography out there, it would not matter if some was on the PinkUn.   "Those pictures are nothing compared with all the photos that go round"

[/quote]

Your mum wasn''t a prozzie by any chance??

T W A T

[/quote]

On reflection, it is interesting that you respond to argument with abuse and not counter argument.  But then again, there is no counter argument is there?

[/quote]

Did you not throw abuse at Captain Holt???

Do you ever watch comedians like Frankie Boyle? That''s his style, let yourself go and stop feeling guilty, unless you have something to hide?

[/quote]I think that if someone came on here and started making jokes about the Soham murders, all the "free thinking" "anti-PC" lot would be up in arms.

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[quote user="trueyellow"]I wonder if cambridge canary was at Portman road a couple of years back when the whole of the Norwich end was chanting Stevie Wright, Wright, Wright. Guess we all must be sick then!![/quote]

We were all sick that day, have to admit did find it all rather amusing. When it''s your enemies, all''s fair in love and war.

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My son will soon be getting to that age where he acts like my cat. He''ll start bringing birds home in such poor condition I''ll have to take them into the backyard and kill them with a brick.

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