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First Wazzock

Re: Friday not so quickies

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A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a ''handy-woman'' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

''Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,'' he said, ''How much will you charge me?''

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, ''How about £50?''
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man''s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, ''Does she realise that our porch goes ALL the way around the house? That''s a bit dishonest, isn''t it?''
The man replied, ''You''re right. I guess I''m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we''ve been getting by e-mail lately.''

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

''You''re finished already?'' the startled husband asked.

''Yes'', the blonde replied, ''and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.''

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten-pound tip.

''And by the way,'' the blonde added, ''it''s not a Porch, it''s a Lexus''.

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Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, ''Listen here good looking,  I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn''t matter to me.  I''ve been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.''

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,
''No kidding. I''m a lawyer too. What firm are you with?''

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Thank goodness there''s a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

 This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,   I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I head towards the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I picked up from the post man earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.

But then I think, since I''m going to be near the post-box when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and notice that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the cup of coffee I''d been drinking.

I''m going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don''t accidentally knock it over.

The coffee is getting cold, And I decide to make another cup.

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.

I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that  I''ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I''m going to water the flowers.

I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I''ll be looking for the remote, but I won''t remember that it''s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I''ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn''t washed

The bills aren''t paid

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter

The flowers don''t have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can''t find the remote,

I can''t find my glasses,

And I don''t remember what I did with the car keys..

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I''m really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I''m really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I''ll try to get some help for it, but first I''ll check my e-mail....

Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, Because I don''t remember who the hell I''ve sent it to.

Don''t laugh - if this isn''t you yet, your day is coming!!

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Gordon Brown has promised to keep one eye on the Economy and one eye on the

Immigration problem.I can''t help but notice a major flaw in your plan

there, Gordon.

David Dimbleby has just asked a reporter outside Buckingham Palace about the

Queen''s movements this morning.Apparently "she had a shit at 7:30" was

not the response he was expecting.

My ex-girlfriend could not take criticism. At least, that was the basic

theme of her suicide note.

BBC News admits typo: "Neanderthal genes ''survive in us''" should

read...BBC NEWS: Neanderthal genes ''survive in U.S.''

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I went to a disco last night.

They played ''sit down'' by James... so I sat down!

They then played ''jump around'' ....so I jumped around!

Unfortunately I got thrown out when they played ''come on Eileen''

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Well, it''s shit .... that''s right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can''t tell the difference
between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.  There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit. 
 You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. 

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it''s the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don''t need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don''t give a shit!

Well, Shit, it''s time for me to go.  Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit.  But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!

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[quote user="Nuff Said"]A racist tw*t competition was held today on the Pink Un. Southwestcanary won!


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[quote user="Woman in the Stands WITS"]

oops - censored - please re-arrange these letters to get the mssing word

S  I  H  T



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[quote user="Nuff Said"]A racist tw*t competition was held today on the Pink Un. Southwestcanary won![/quote] So why is this racist and the joke by the Butler isn''t?

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Aplane is on its way to New York when a blonde woman travelling in economy gets up and moves to an empty seat in first class.

The flight attendant sees this and politely tells her she must return to her seat as thats the ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies,"I''m blonde.I''m beautiful I''m going to New York and I''m staying put.

After repeated attempts with no success at cinvincing the woman to move the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot about the woman who refuses to move. The co-pilot goes back and explains why she needs to move but once again the woman replies,"I''m blonde,I''m beautiful,I''m going to New York, I''m staying here.

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that they radio ahead and have the police waiting to arrest her when they land. The pilot says,"She''s blonde,you say, I''ll handle this,I''m married to a blonde,I speak blonde".

He goes back to the woman and speaks quietly in her ear and she says,"I''m sorry", and gets up and goes back to her seat.

The co-pilot and flight attendant are amazed and ask what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her that first class isn''t going to New York"!!!

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ITHS-mus of Panama.

The head coach of an Amercan football team that had just played very poorly, screwing up play after play, was asked how he felt about his team''s execution.

I''m in favor of it.

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