Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
First Wazzock

The Thread Formerly Known As The Butler's Friday Joke Thread

Recommended Posts

I really think this is too much of an institution to let it go...

Sorry [:$]

 

Dear Customer, thank you for your interest, but may we point out that Screwfix Direct are not a dating agency.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
John and Fred are working out in the country fields when Fred says "I really need a sh*t, but I haven''t got anything to wipe me @rse with".
John says "well, if you''re that desperate you can use that fiver you told me you had".
"Ok" says Fred.
Five minutes later he returns with poo all over his hand.
"Blimey, what happened" says John.
"Well", says Fred, "You should try wiping your @rse with four pound coins, a fifty pence, two twenty pences and a ten pence piece"!!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

On a beautiful summer''s day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.
 
At  Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch


they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,
 
“Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument  us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very slowly”
  
The girl leaned over and said:


“Burrr..


..gurrr..


..king”.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Global Facts on Sex:


. . .at any given moment:


 

 FACT:79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now.
 
 
 
FACT:58,000,000 are kissing.


 
FACT:37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.


 
FACT:1 old timer is reading emails.
 

 

 

You hang in there, Sunshine . . .

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nike are makinh trainers for lesbians. They''re calling them ''Nikes for Dykes''. You get 50% more tongue and can get them off with one finger.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Can I be the first to say that I find this thread highly offensive? Could we please have one about the economic crisis or child slavery instead of such light hearted frippery? Life''s not supposed to be enjoyable you know.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I thought they were quite funny... But I imagine the burger king only works in writing :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
A bear and a rabbit are in the forest taking a dump, the bear says to the rabbit "Don''t you find it annoying that the sh*t sticks to your fur when you''ve had a crap?"

The rabbit says "no I don''t have that problem"

So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ar*e with him.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I just stole the collection box from the local epilepsy society

They have a fit when they find out!

------------------

Gordon Brown  has resigned,  apparently his todger isn''t big enough for a well hung parliament, so he''s stepping down to let a bigger knob take over....

 

----------------------

I was telling my mates in the pub the old joke about ''what do you do when an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw in your washing'''' they were all laughing out loud when a bloke tapped me on the shoulder and said ''''that''s not funny, my brother was epilepitc and died in the bath''''

''''sorry mate did he have a fit?'''' ''''No'''' he said ''''he choked on a sock''''

-----------------------

A 3yr old was examining his testicles in the bath ''Mum?'' he asked ''are these my brains? ''not yet'' she replied

--------------------

Bought the wife a fur coat made out of 3600 hamster skins and took her to Blackpool....COuldn''t get her off the big wheel for 2 days....

--------------------

Are you Free in June? You''ll never believe it but I''ve just won an all expenses paid trip to the World Cup Finals on TalkSport.

Its for me and 3 mates, 4 weeks all inclusive in South Africa with £5000 spending money, Flights leave Gatwick 10th June so if you''re free could you put my bins out for me?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
''You know what?'' says the 7 year old, ''I think it''s about time we started swearing.''
The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, ''When we go downstairs for breakfast I''m gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?''
''Ok'' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
''Oh, sh*t mum, I don''t know, I suppose I''ll have some Coco Pops''
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
'' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?''
''I don''t know,'' he blubbers, ''but it won''t be f**king Coco Pops''

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
A Yorkshire couple go to the Costa Brava for a holiday, but on arrival,

the wife says "I won''t be able to make gravy with your dinner, love -

I''ve forgotten the Bisto" The husband says, "Don''t worry, there''s an

English couple staying in the next apartment, I''ll see if they have any"

So he knocks on the door of the next apartment, and says to the man"

''Allo, ''hast any Bisto" To which the man replies "Fu*k off, you Spanish tw@t!""

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I booked an Asian prostitute last night, but she arrived two hours late....

She loved me wrong time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I can''t see an end.

I have no control and I don''t think there''s any escape - I don''t even have a home anymore.

Definitely time for a new keyboard.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

[quote user="Beauseant"]Can I be the first to say that I find this thread highly offensive? Could we please have one about the economic crisis or child slavery instead of such light hearted frippery? Life''s not supposed to be enjoyable you know.[/quote]I think you will find this thread more to your tastes [:)]http://www.pinkun.com/cs_pinkun/cs/forums/2103681/ShowPost.aspx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

[quote user="blahblahblah"][quote user="Beauseant"]Can I be the first to say that I find this thread highly offensive? Could we please have one about the economic crisis or child slavery instead of such light hearted frippery? Life''s not supposed to be enjoyable you know.[/quote]

I think you will find this thread more to your tastes [:)]

http://www.pinkun.com/cs_pinkun/cs/forums/2103681/ShowPost.aspx
[/quote]

 

Have checked it out, but unfortunately it made me laugh. [;)] I have, of course, scourged myself as penance for this and will try to be more serious in future.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
[quote user="Beauseant"] 

Have checked it out, but unfortunately it made me laugh. [;)] I have, of course, scourged myself as penance for this and will try to be more serious in future.

[/quote]How ? [:o]  [:)]

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
This one is for everyone who...

a) has kids

b) had kids

c) was a kid

d) knows a kid

e) is going to have kids.

I guess that means all of us!!

DADDY''S GONNA EAT YOUR

FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three

year old daughter was having a

wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point

she said, ''Daddy, look at this'' ,

and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers

in my mouth and said ,

''Daddy''s gonna eat your

fingers,''
pretending to eat

them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on

the bed

staring at her fingers with a devastated look on

her face.

I said, ''What''s wrong,

love ?

She replied,

''What happened to my Bogey ??

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
A

man was driving when he saw the flash of traffic camera.

He figured that

his picture hadbeen taken for exceeding the limit,

even though he

knew that he was not speeding...

Just to be sure,

he went around the block and passed the same spot,

driving even more

slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to

think that
 this was quite funny,

so he drove even

slower as he passed the area again,

but the traffic

camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth

time with the same result.

 He did this a

fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he 

rolled past, this time at a snail''s pace... 

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a

seat belt.. 

 

 You can''t fix stupid
.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Just been to Iceland, when I arrived my Sat Nav said "You have reached your dusty nation"............................................................................................................................................My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a splint out of 2 Swan Vesta matches, his little face lit up, as did the rest of him as I had forgotten his cage was lined with sandpaper.............................................................................................................................................A 73 year old woman was arrested for streaking at the Chelsea flower show, she was let off with a caution and won 1st prize for the best dried arrangement.............................................................................................................................................I found a way to stop my wife sucking her thumb

I drew a c0ck on it.............................................................................................................................................An Eskimo was on a driving holiday in Wales when his car broke down.A local mechanic looks under the bonnet and said "You''ve blown a seal"The Eskimo replied "So what, you lot sh@g sheep"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...