First Wazzock 902 Posted May 14, 2010 I really think this is too much of an institution to let it go...Sorry [:$] Dear Customer, thank you for your interest, but may we point out that Screwfix Direct are not a dating agency. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted May 14, 2010 John and Fred are working out in the country fields when Fred says "I really need a sh*t, but I haven''t got anything to wipe me @rse with". John says "well, if you''re that desperate you can use that fiver you told me you had". "Ok" says Fred.Five minutes later he returns with poo all over his hand. "Blimey, what happened" says John."Well", says Fred, "You should try wiping your @rse with four pound coins, a fifty pence, two twenty pences and a ten pence piece"!!!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted May 14, 2010 On a beautiful summer''s day, two English tourists were driving through Wales. At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogochthey stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very slowly” The girl leaned over and said:“Burrr.. ..gurrr.. ..king”. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted May 14, 2010 Global Facts on Sex:. . .at any given moment: FACT:79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now. FACT:58,000,000 are kissing. FACT:37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex. FACT:1 old timer is reading emails. You hang in there, Sunshine . . . Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted May 14, 2010 Nike are makinh trainers for lesbians. They''re calling them ''Nikes for Dykes''. You get 50% more tongue and can get them off with one finger. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Beauseant 0 Posted May 14, 2010 Can I be the first to say that I find this thread highly offensive? Could we please have one about the economic crisis or child slavery instead of such light hearted frippery? Life''s not supposed to be enjoyable you know. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Calle 16 Posted May 14, 2010 I thought they were quite funny... But I imagine the burger king only works in writing :D Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rivvo 257 Posted May 14, 2010 A bear and a rabbit are in the forest taking a dump, the bear says to the rabbit "Don''t you find it annoying that the sh*t sticks to your fur when you''ve had a crap?"The rabbit says "no I don''t have that problem"So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ar*e with him. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Yobocop 1,096 Posted May 14, 2010 I just stole the collection box from the local epilepsy societyThey have a fit when they find out! ------------------Gordon Brown has resigned, apparently his todger isn''t big enough for a well hung parliament, so he''s stepping down to let a bigger knob take over.... ----------------------I was telling my mates in the pub the old joke about ''what do you do when an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw in your washing'''' they were all laughing out loud when a bloke tapped me on the shoulder and said ''''that''s not funny, my brother was epilepitc and died in the bath'''' ''''sorry mate did he have a fit?'''' ''''No'''' he said ''''he choked on a sock''''-----------------------A 3yr old was examining his testicles in the bath ''Mum?'' he asked ''are these my brains? ''not yet'' she replied--------------------Bought the wife a fur coat made out of 3600 hamster skins and took her to Blackpool....COuldn''t get her off the big wheel for 2 days....--------------------Are you Free in June? You''ll never believe it but I''ve just won an all expenses paid trip to the World Cup Finals on TalkSport. Its for me and 3 mates, 4 weeks all inclusive in South Africa with £5000 spending money, Flights leave Gatwick 10th June so if you''re free could you put my bins out for me? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Divs crew! 0 Posted May 14, 2010 A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.''You know what?'' says the 7 year old, ''I think it''s about time we started swearing.''The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, ''When we go downstairs for breakfast I''m gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?''''Ok'' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.''Oh, sh*t mum, I don''t know, I suppose I''ll have some Coco Pops''WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,'' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?''''I don''t know,'' he blubbers, ''but it won''t be f**king Coco Pops'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
William Darby 0 Posted May 14, 2010 A Yorkshire couple go to the Costa Brava for a holiday, but on arrival, the wife says "I won''t be able to make gravy with your dinner, love - I''ve forgotten the Bisto" The husband says, "Don''t worry, there''s an English couple staying in the next apartment, I''ll see if they have any" So he knocks on the door of the next apartment, and says to the man" ''Allo, ''hast any Bisto" To which the man replies "Fu*k off, you Spanish tw@t!"" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rjwc22 0 Posted May 14, 2010 I booked an Asian prostitute last night, but she arrived two hours late.... She loved me wrong time. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rjwc22 0 Posted May 14, 2010 My mate just gave me a really old sewing machine,To be honest it seams ok Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rjwc22 0 Posted May 14, 2010 I can''t see an end. I have no control and I don''t think there''s any escape - I don''t even have a home anymore.Definitely time for a new keyboard. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Fen Canary 803 Posted May 14, 2010 Got home and found the wife dead in the washing machine. I''m gutted, but at least she died in comfort! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Jedi 0 Posted May 14, 2010 "Got home and found the wife dead in the washing machine. I''m gutted, but at least she died in comfort!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Jedi 0 Posted May 14, 2010 Meant to say; Brilliant! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
blahblahblah 2 Posted May 14, 2010 [quote user="Beauseant"]Can I be the first to say that I find this thread highly offensive? Could we please have one about the economic crisis or child slavery instead of such light hearted frippery? Life''s not supposed to be enjoyable you know.[/quote]I think you will find this thread more to your tastes [:)]http://www.pinkun.com/cs_pinkun/cs/forums/2103681/ShowPost.aspx Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Beauseant 0 Posted May 14, 2010 [quote user="blahblahblah"][quote user="Beauseant"]Can I be the first to say that I find this thread highly offensive? Could we please have one about the economic crisis or child slavery instead of such light hearted frippery? Life''s not supposed to be enjoyable you know.[/quote]I think you will find this thread more to your tastes [:)]http://www.pinkun.com/cs_pinkun/cs/forums/2103681/ShowPost.aspx[/quote] Have checked it out, but unfortunately it made me laugh. [;)] I have, of course, scourged myself as penance for this and will try to be more serious in future. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
blahblahblah 2 Posted May 14, 2010 [quote user="Beauseant"] Have checked it out, but unfortunately it made me laugh. [;)] I have, of course, scourged myself as penance for this and will try to be more serious in future.[/quote]How ? [:o] [:)] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted May 14, 2010 This one is for everyone who...a) has kidsb) had kidsc) was a kidd) knows a kide) is going to have kids.I guess that means all of us!!DADDY''S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERSI was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having awonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, ''Daddy, look at this'' ,and stuck out two of her fingers.Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said ,''Daddy''s gonna eat your fingers,'' pretending to eat them.I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bedstaring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.I said, ''What''s wrong, love ?She replied,''What happened to my Bogey ?? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted May 14, 2010 A man was driving when he saw the flash of traffic camera. He figured that his picture hadbeen taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail''s pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.. You can''t fix stupid. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Harry 0 Posted May 14, 2010 Just been to Iceland, when I arrived my Sat Nav said "You have reached your dusty nation"............................................................................................................................................My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a splint out of 2 Swan Vesta matches, his little face lit up, as did the rest of him as I had forgotten his cage was lined with sandpaper.............................................................................................................................................A 73 year old woman was arrested for streaking at the Chelsea flower show, she was let off with a caution and won 1st prize for the best dried arrangement.............................................................................................................................................I found a way to stop my wife sucking her thumbI drew a c0ck on it.............................................................................................................................................An Eskimo was on a driving holiday in Wales when his car broke down.A local mechanic looks under the bonnet and said "You''ve blown a seal"The Eskimo replied "So what, you lot sh@g sheep" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites