Friday joke thread

[blahblahblah 2]

Politically Correct Little Red

Riding Hood

There once was a young person named

Little Red

Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered

owls and

rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only

someone took

the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture

giver whom

she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn''t mean to

imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a

close

biological link did not in fact exist.

Nor did she intend to denigrate the

equal value

of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the

impression

conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to

take a basket

of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother''s house.

"But mother, won''t this be stealing

work

from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right

to

carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood''s mother assured

her that she

had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission

exemption

form.

"But mother, aren''t you oppressing

me by

ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood''s mother pointed

out that it

was impossible for womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were

equally

oppressed until all womyn were free.

"But mother, then shouldn''t you

have my

brother carry the basket, since he''s an oppressor, and should learn what

it''s

like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood''s mother

explained that her

brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides,

this

wasn''t stereotypical womyn''s work, but an empowering deed that would

help

engender a feeling of community.

"But won''t I be oppressing Grandma,

by

implying that she''s sick and hence unable to independently further her

own

selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood''s mother

explained that her

grandmother wasn''t actually sick or incapacitated or mentally

handicapped in any

way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were

inferior

to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she

could get

behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she

set off.

Many people believed that the

forest was a

foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was

an

irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal

society

that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence

believed

that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for

fear of

thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless

society

all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and

be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma''s house, Red

Riding Hood

passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine

some

flowers.

She was startled to find herself

standing

before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood''s teacher had

warned her never

to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own

budding

sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my

Grandmother

some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear,

it

isn''t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your

sexist

remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your

traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has

caused

you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if

you''ll

excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the

main path, and

proceeded towards her Grandmother''s house.

But because his status outside

society had

freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the

Wolf knew

of a quicker route to Grandma''s house.

He burst into the house and ate

Grandma, a

course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid,

traditionalist

gender role notions, he put on Grandma''s nightclothes, crawled under the

bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage

and said,

"Grandma, I have brought you some

cruelty

free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer,

child,

so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess!

Grandma,

what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically

challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous,

what a

fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it

fixed to

help my acting career, but I didn''t give in to such societal pressures,

my

child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp

teeth

you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of

these

specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu,

he

leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws

so wide

that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren''t you forgetting something?"

Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before

proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this

statement that

he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper

burst into

the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you''re

doing?"

cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be

expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to

poor

self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your

hands off

that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the

woodchopper,

and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he

sliced off

her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in

time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here.

I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I''m the real victim,

here," said the woodchopper. "I''ve been dealing with my anger ever

since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I''m

going to

have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf,

and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a

little

belch, and said "Do you have any Imodium ?"

[blahblahblah 2]

How to be politically correct

with women

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC

INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

[blahblahblah 2]

Three Pigs, Vertically Challenged (from: Politically Correct Bedtime

Stories" Printed in The Wall Street Journal, 05/12/94)

Once there were three little pigs who lived together in mutual respect

and in harmony with their environment. Using materials that were

indigenous to the area, they built a beautiful house. One pig built a

house of straw, one a house of sticks, and one a house of dung, clay,

and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked in a small kiln. When

they were finished, the pigs were satified with their work and settled

back to live in peace and self-determination.

But their idyll was soon shattered. One day along came a big, bad wolf

with expansionist ideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry, in both

physical and idealogical sense. When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran

into the house of straw. The wolf ran up to the house and banged on the

door, shouting, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics hold no fear for pigs

defending their homes and culture."

But the wolf wasn''t to be denied what he thought was his manifest

destiny. So he huffed and puffed and blew down the house of straw. The

frightened pigs ran to the house of sticks, with the wolf in hot

pursuit. Where the house of straw had stood, other wolves bought up the

land and started a banana plantation.

At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted,

"Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

The pigs shouted back, "Go to hell, you carnivorous, imperialistic

oppressor!"

At this, the wolf chuckled condescendingly. He thought to himself: They

are so childlike in their ways. It would be a shame to see them go, but

progress can not be stopped."

So the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the house of sticks. The

pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf close at their heels.

Where the house of sticks had stood, other wolves built a time-share

condo resort complex for vacationing wolves, with each unit a fiberglass

reconstruction of the house of sticks, as well as native curio shops,

snorkeling, and dolphin shows.

At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted,

"Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

This time in response, the pigs sang songs of solidarity and wrote

letters of protest to the United Nations.

By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs'' refusal to see the

situation from the carnivore''s point of view. so he huffed and puffed,

and huffed and puffed, then grabbed his chest and fell over dead from a

massive heart attack brought on from eating too many fatty foods.

The three little pigs rejoiced that justice had triumphed and did a

little dance around the corpse of the wolf. Their next step was to

liberate their homeland. They gathered together a band of other pigs who

had been forced off their lands. This new brigade of porcinistas

attacked the resort complex with machine guns and rocket launchers and

slaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clear signal to the

rest of the hemisphere not to meddle in their internal affairs. Then the

pigs set up a model socialist democracy with free education, universal

health care, and affordable housing for everyone.

Please note: The wolf in this story was a metaphorical construct. No

actual wolves were harmed in the writing of this story.

[Barclay hero 0]

[quote user="blahblahblah"]How to be politically correct with women

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE [/quote]

Most of those seem to be referring to Mrs B-H.......

[blahblahblah 2]

No offence intended, Mr B-H [;)]....

[ncfc90 0]

We already have one [:''(]

[macdougalls perm 0]

PC Little Red Riding Hood is hilarious! [:)]

[blahblahblah 2]

[quote user="ncfc90"]We already have one [:''(][/quote]I noticed that after I''d made this one.  And to think I''d tried really hard not to offend anyone ! [:)]

[Herman 9,693]

[quote user="blahblahblah"]And to think I''d tried really hard not to offend anyone ! [:)]
[/quote]

Talking of that,i wanted to hang out a St.Georges flag for the World Cup,but wasn''t sure if people would deem it offensive or racist.

So i drew a giant Swastika on it, just to make certain!

[morty 0]

[quote user="Herman "]

[quote user="blahblahblah"]And to think I''d tried really hard not to offend anyone ! [:)][/quote]

Talking of that,i wanted to hang out a St.Georges flag for the World Cup,but wasn''t sure if people would deem it offensive or racist.

So i drew a giant Swastika on it, just to make certain!

[/quote][:D]

[Houston Canary 0]

I''m giving up Christmas dinner leftovers. I plan to do it gradually. I am quitting cold turkey, but not cold turkey.