Friday joke thread.

[morty 0]

What kind of ham smells of curry?Birmingham.

I''m absolutely knackered from my French self-defence class last

night.I''ve never run so far in all my life.

I annoyed Gordon Brown yesterday.If looks could kill, I''d be half dead

by now.

I went to the doctor''s the other day and found out my new doctor is a young

female, drop-dead gorgeous!I was embarrassed but she said, "Don''t worry,

I''m a professional - I''ve seen it all before. Just tell me what''s wrong and I''ll

help you in any way I can."I said, "I think my cock tastes funny..."

[morty 0]

Hats off to the Icelandic people.First they declared themselves

bankrupt...Then they set their island on fire....Anyone else

smell the mother of all insurance frauds?

[Hardhouse44 212]

 Last one is a peach

[Unhinged Canary 322]

Went to the Disco last night! Cracking night it was!They played ''Sit Down'' by James, so we all sat down!They played ''Jump Around'' by House of Pain, so we all jumped around!They played ''Come on Eileen'' and I got thrown out......... [:)]

[Rolf Harris 22]

So peter giffin is laughing at you all in iceland man, he was a smart man getting that vocano insurance

[Lewie - Holt Our Saviour 0]

Paddy''s in pub telling his mates about joining the army and his 1st

parachute jump. Paddy describes "we were 30,000ft up, then 1 by 1 they

started to jump, when it was my turn I couldn''t jump - no way! Then

this huge black guy pulled out his 12 inch C.o.c.k and cried out "paddy

if you don''t F.u.c.k.ing jump I''ll stick this baby right up your a.ss.

Paddys mate asked "well did you jump? Paddy replies "Just a bit when it

first went in."

What''s the difference between the icelandic volcano and cherly cole? The volcano''s still blowing Ash!

[morty 0]

I was having dinner with MC Hammer and Chico last night when I asked if anyone

had the time.It was absolute carnage.

[morty 0]

Spell Checker ---------------Eye halve a

spelling chequer It came with my pea seaIt plainly marques four my

revue. Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a

word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It

shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee

fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no

Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew.

[I am a Banana 0]

very good morty.!

[The Butler 0]

Thanks Morty.

Just got my Wife home.[:D]

The Butler

[WeAreYellows49 0]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The drunk mumbles, "ain''t no use knockin, there''s no paper on this side either!"

 

 

I''m glad Ding''s out of the snooker.

Every time the commentator said his name the dog barked at the door

[First Wazzock 717]

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from  getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you''d lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren''t so ugly it would lift itself."

[First Wazzock 717]

 I  just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 82!
 

      
I''m sooooo happy, because I live at 73.....
so it''s not far to walk home afterwards!

[First Wazzock 717]

 It All Makes Sense Now... 

On his death bed, Earl Woods gave Tiger the following advice:

"Focus on golf. F**k everything else."
 

[First Wazzock 717]

AN ITALIAN BOY''S CONFESSION

 

 ''Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl''.
 
 The priest asks, ''Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?
 
 ''Yes, Father, it is.''

''And who was the girl you were with?''
 
 ''I can''t tell you, Father. I don''t want to ruin her reputation''.
 
 "Well, Joey, I''m sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
 
 ''I cannot say.''
 
 ''Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?''
 
 ''I''ll never tell.''
 
 ''Was it Nina Capelli?''
 
 ''I''m sorry, but I cannot name her.''
 
 ''Was it Cathy Piriano?''
 
 ''My lips are sealed.''
 
 ''Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?''
 
 ''Please, Father, I cannot tell you.''

The priest sighs in frustration.
''You''re very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you''ve sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.''

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
''What''d you get?''

''Four months vacation and five good leads.''

[First Wazzock 717]

 

Dear Mum & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam''s mother and tell her he is okay. He can''t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn''t been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn''t hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, the petrol will blow up?

The wet wood didn''t burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn''t his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that''s probably why he can''t get insurance.

We think it''s a neat bus. He doesn''t care if we get it dirty, and if it''s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the roof. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy.. Don''t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren''t any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn''t let me because I can''t swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it''s concrete because we didn''t have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn''t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn''t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it probably was just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I''m so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don''t worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it''s my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster''s tent.

[First Wazzock 717]

A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won the Lottery?"

She says,
"I''d take half, then leave you."

"Excellent," he replies,
"I won £10, here''s £5 - now F......k off!"

[First Wazzock 717]

COLLECTED SMARTASS RESPONSES FOR 2009

 

6th  Place

It  was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

''Would you  like dinner?'' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. 

''What are my choices?'' the man asked.

''Yes or no,'' she  replied.

 

5th  Place

A  flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check  tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and  he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid  she said,

''Sir, I need to see your ticket not your  stub.''

 

4th  Place

A  lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury''s but she  couldn''t find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing  assistant, ''Do these turkeys get any bigger?''

The assistant replied, ''  I''m afraid not, they''re dead.''

 

3rd  Place

The policeman got out of  his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

''I''ve  been waiting for you all day,'' the bobby said.

The kid replied, ''Yes,  well I got here as fast as I could.''

When the policeman finally stopped  laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

 

2nd  Place

A  lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that  read '' Low Bridge Ahead.''

Before he realised it, the bridge was  directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for  miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of  his car and walked to the lorry''s cab

And said to the  driver,

''Got stuck, eh?''

The lorry driver said, ''No, I was  delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!''

 

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR  2009

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her  pupils of tomorrow''s final exam.

''Now listen to me, I won''t tolerate  any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that''s it, no other excuses whatsoever!''

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 

''What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?''

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

''Well, I suppose you''d have to write with your other hand''.

[singing canary 0]

I''ve strapped a lawnmower engine to a cardboard box and managed to get the DVLA to register it...Time to find out whether those ****s really do buy any car.

[First Wazzock 717]

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man.  My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to
be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her ''little'' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn''t
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn''t say a word.

She said, ''I''m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.''

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, ''We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn''t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.''

And the moral of this story is:  

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[First Wazzock 717]

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, ''That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.''

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn''t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said ''No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.''

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ''What is it you are waiting for?''

She answered

 
 ''THE TEETH.''

[singing canary 0]

quality..

[a man called horse 0]

Dawn French asked Lenny Hendry for a devorce present.Something that would go from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds.So he bought her a set of bathroom scales.

[First Wazzock 717]

A professor at the   University  of   Sydney  was giving a lecture on ''Involuntary Muscular Contractions'' to his first year medical students. Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, ''Do you know  what your a***hole is doing while you''re having an orgasm?''  
She replied, ''Probably fishing with his mates.''    

[morty 0]

[quote user="The Butler"]

Thanks Morty.

Just got my Wife home.[:D]

The Butler

[/quote]It just didn''t feel right not having a joke thread on a Friday lol.She feeling better?

[First Wazzock 717]

[quote user="morty"][quote user="The Butler"]

Thanks Morty.

Just got my Wife home.[:D]

The Butler

[/quote]

It just didn''t feel right not having a joke thread on a Friday lol.

She feeling better?
[/quote]

I nearly started it first thing but it is Butler''s job.

Well done Morty (as I said to the Butler ages ago) this thread should be compulsory on Fridays [:D]

Hope Mrs Butler is OK.

[The Butler 0]

[quote user="morty"][quote user="The Butler"]

Thanks Morty.

Just got my Wife home.[:D]

The Butler

[/quote]

It just didn''t feel right not having a joke thread on a Friday lol.

She feeling better?
[/quote]

Much better than when I took her in thanks but a week or two before she can start her coal round again[;)]

[Arthur Whittle 0]

What kind of ham smells of curry?

Birmingham.

RACIST!!!!!!!

LOL.

[yoda 0]

Paddy was stopped by the police

" Can i ask you where you were between 5 and 11 sir ?

Paddy . " primary school "

[Arthur Whittle 0]

What kind of ham smells of curry?

Birmingham.

Now be honest....how many of you would have gone nuts if I had said that joke and called me racist???