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The Butler

Bad week Friday

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Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services -

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: ''Jesus Walks on Water.'' The sermon tonight: ''Searching for Jesus.''
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Ladies, don''t forget the rummage sale. It''s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ''Hell'' to someone who doesn''t care much about you.
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Don''t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ''I will not pass this way again,'' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don''t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: ''Break Forth Into Joy.''
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church . Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare'' s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church''s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: ''I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours''
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ''What Is Hell?'' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Thanks for making me smile today Butler. As I''ve said on other threads, a smile is one of the most infectious things we can pass on [:)]In a similar vein, here''s what children wrote when describing the ocean, enjoy!1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight

testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters'' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don''t

have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily

Richardson. She''s not my friend

any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.

(Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots

and comes back with crabs.

(Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the

ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn''t blow the sailors would whistle to

make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off

eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and

I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?

Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I''m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always

crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got

pregnant, so I can''t think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can

give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think

they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes

my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can''t

go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was

going very fast. She says she won''t do it again because water fired

right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don''t drown I

don''t know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.

What he doesn''t know is why he

quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

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A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady
recognizes him as an England Rugby player.
They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.
On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What''s that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I''m on TV,
people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his
leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
''What''s that ?'' the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid
when this tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the man drops his underwear and on his
penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
The lady screams: "Don''t tell me you have AIDS!"
The man  replies: "No, no.....!!! Calm down,"
"It will say ADIDAS in a minute............!!!"

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Following a shipwreck the only survivors are a man, a sheep and a sheepdog who end up on a remote desert island. With no sign of rescue the man gradually builds a shelter and they establish a routine. Each night they go down to the beach and gaze at the gorgeous sunset.

As time goes by the man, (naturally!) becomes amorous and one night slowly slips his arm around the sheep. However, the sheepdog growls menacingly and shows his teeth. The man quickly withdraws his arm, but tries again the next night with the same result.

Thinking any chance of a bit of lovemaking(!) is out of the question life continues on the island until another ship is wrecked offshore and the only survivor is a beautiful woman. The man tends her and nurses her back to health and she gradually joins in with the routine and the evening trips to sit on the beach and watch the sunset.

Eventually the man''s thoughts turn again to romance and one evening he slowly slips his arm around the woman''s shoulders. He leans forwards, his lips close to her ear and whispers gently "darling, would you mind..... taking the dog for a walk"!!!!!!

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What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between your Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole
AND works best when it is jerked?


A Seatbelt, you pervert!
 Buckle up!

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While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the  entrance.

''Welcome to heaven,'' says St. Peter. ''Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we''re not sure what to do with you.''

''No problem, just let me in,'' says the man.

''Well, I''d like to, but I  have orders from higher up. What we''ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.''

''Really, I''ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,'' says the MP.

''I''m sorry, but we have our rules.''

And with that, St. Peter  escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green  golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had  while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

''Now it''s time to visit heaven.''

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

''Well, then, you''ve spent a day in hell and  another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.''

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: ''Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.''

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he''s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his  shoulder. ''I don''t understand,'' stammers the MP. ''Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there''s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?''

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ''Yesterday we were campaigning.. ... 

Today you voted.''

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A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I
can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,
"About two hours."

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door
and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said," About three hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and
asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and Said, "About an hour and a

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor.

Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has
to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn''t ever come back.

A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes from laughter and said,

"Your house."

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A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you''re doing?" asks the wife.
"They''re on sale, only £15 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back!  We can''t afford them," orders the wife. They carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on the woman picks up a £30 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you''re doing?" asks the husband.
"Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it''s half the price."

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After his death, Osama bin Laden went to paradise.

He was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end America''s liberty, but you failed."
James Madison appeared, kicked him in the crotch, and said, "This is why I allowed the government to provide for the common defence."
Bin Laden was subjected to similar beatings from James Randolph, James Monroe, Thomas Jefferson and 66 other early Americans.
As he writhed in pain on the ground, an angel appeared. Bin Laden said, "This was not what I was promised."
The angel replied, " I told your prophet there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. Didn''t he write it down somewhere?"

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Dorothy and  Edna, two ''senior'' widows, are talking. 

Dorothy : ''''That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.'''' 

Edna:   ''''Well, I''ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!  Then he takes me downstairs, and what''s there but a luxury car...A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.  
Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!''''  

Dorothy:   ''''Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn''t go out with him?''''  

Edna:   ''''No, no, no..... I''m just saying, wear an old dress. ''''

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As a rule, I don''t pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in emails,
BUT this one is important.  It has been circulating for months and has been sent to over 20 million people.
We don''t want to lose any names on the list so just hit forward and send it on.
Please keep it going!
To show your support for Gordon Brown please go to the end of the list and add your name.
1.  Mrs Brown.

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Marvin, men''s answer to Maxine


Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None.... It should be opened when she brings it.


Why is a Laundromat
a really bad place to pick up a


Because a woman who can''t even afford a washing machine

will probably never be able to support you.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It''s one of those ''evolutionary things'' that allows

Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.


How do you know when
a woman is about to say something


When she starts a sentence with ''A man once told me....''


How do you fix a woman''s watch?

You don''t. There is a clock on the oven.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the

front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course He''ll shut up once you let him in.

-- --------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman''s

sex drive by 90%.

It''s called a Wedding Cake.


Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.


Women will never be equal to men

they can walk

down the street with a bald head

And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

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I was having dinner with MC Hammer and Chico last night when I asked if anyone had the time.

It was absolute carnage.  [:D]





A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn''t been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can''t see it so he knocks on the door. There''s no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually a Japanese bloke answers..."Harro", says the chappy.
"Alright mate, where''s ya bin?" asks the dustman.

"I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.

Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says "No mate, where''s ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man.

"Mate" says the dustman... "you''re misunderstanding me....Where''s your wheelie bin?"

"OK, OK", says the Japanese bloke, "I wheelie bin having a w**k!"

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Bob''s old lady decided she wanted to do something special to please him on his birthday, so she bought a pair of crotchless
panties. That night, as he came into the house, she lay sprawled on the couch spread-eagle.
"Hi hon," she purred sexily. "You want some of this?"
"Hell, no!" he hollered. "Look at what it''s done to your knickers!"

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My wife is a dirty biach....when i come in her mouth, she garggles is and then dribbles it down her chin......i know she is paralyzed but im sure she enjoys it

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