The Butler 0 Posted March 26, 2010 The Benefits of leasing over purchasing for all our FPA''sPurchasingThe maths on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows: After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he had sex every night during their 5 year relationship it ended up costing him $26,849 per time. Leasing On the other hand, New York Governor Elliot Spitzer''s hooker,Kristen, an absolute stunner charges $4,000 per night. Had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years, he wouldhave paid $7.3 million in total, for sex every night for 5 years:(a $41.7 million savings).Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old no begging no coaxing never a headache happily agrees to all requests no complaining no honey-do lists has great leg(s)!!Best of all, she leaves , and comes back when asked. All at 1/7th the cost and no legal fees. Sometimes leasing just makes more sense Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted March 26, 2010 I visited a friend the other night, and as we sat there talking I couldn''t help but notice his dog laying in front of the fire licking his Willis and Doodleberries. I said to my mate ''I wish I could do that!''He said ''give him a biscuit, I''m sure he''ll let you'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted March 26, 2010 On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in afatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the PearlyGates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.While waiting, they begin to wonder......Could they possibly getmarried in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Petersays, "I don''t know. This is the first time anyone has asked that. Letme go and find out," and he leaves.The couple sit and wait and wait. Two months pass and the couple arestill waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed toget married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all."What if it doesn''t work?" they wondered. "Are we stuck togetherforever?"After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhatbedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married inHeaven"."Great!" say the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if thingsdon''t work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?"St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground."What''s wrong?" ask the frightened couple."OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find apriest up here! Do you have any idea how long it''ll take me to find alawyer?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted March 26, 2010 Nice Ad... FOR SALE BY OWNER.Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.Excellent condition....£200 or best offer.No longer needed; got married last month.Wife knows f#%#%#g everything! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted March 26, 2010 In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of Paracetamol. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ''cocktails'', ''highballs'' and just a good old-fashioned ''stiff drink''. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer''s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky Boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted March 26, 2010 (Apparent) Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping This letter was recently sent by Tesco''s Head Office to a customer in Oxford : Dear Mrs. Murray, While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people''s trolleys when they weren''t looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, ''Code 3'' in housewares..... and watched what happened. 5. August 14: Moved a ''CAUTION - WET FLOOR'' sign to a carpeted area. 6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he''d invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove. 7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, ''Why can''t you people just leave me alone?'' 8. October 4: Approached a security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose ostentatiously. 9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were. 10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible'' theme. 11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the ''Madonna look'' using different size funnels. 12. December 18: Hid in a clothing! rack and when people browsed, yelled ''PICK ME!'' ''PICK ME!'' 13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed ''NO! NO! It''s those voices again.'' And; last, but not least: 14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, ''There is no toilet paper in here.'' We hope that you will be able to curtail your husbands activities, but regretfully inform you that should they continue we will have no option other than to exercise our right to refuse you and your family entrance to our Banbury store. Your sincerely Leigh Pettigrew Tesco Customer Service Team Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Butler 0 Posted March 26, 2010 Can we all say this for tomorrow:- (no offence meant and definately NOT a Satanic verse!!) Our Lambert, which art in Carrow Road" Shouted be thy Name Thy kingdom come" Thy will be done, in Colney as it is in Carrow Road Give us this day our daily winAnd don’t forgive them that foul us, as we wont forgive them that score against us"And lead us out of this accursed division And deliver us the title For thine is the team, with the power, and the glory, stay with us for ever and ever. Aperson Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dreamteam 0 Posted March 26, 2010 A very tired nurse walks into a bank, Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse And tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, She looks at the flabbergasted teller And without missing a beat, she says: ''Well, that''s great....that''s just great.... Some asshole''s got my pen!'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Diesel Doris 129 Posted March 26, 2010 A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment and went to put his name on his mailbox.While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said "lets go into my apartment I hear someones coming" He followed her into the apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it allowing the robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him "what would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed he finally squeaked "it''s got to be your ears". Astounded, and a little hurt she asked "my ears?" Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.How can you think that the best part of me is my ears?"Clearing his throat, he stammered...."Outside, when you said you heard someone coming....that was me..." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
city-till-i-die 7 Posted March 26, 2010 Men and woman.....To satisfy a Woman....praise her...pamper her...cuddle her...humour her...hold her...kiss her...phone her...charm her...romance her...talk to her...listen to her..pespect her...LOVE her.To satisfy a Man....SUCK HIS COCK.....job done Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
city-till-i-die 7 Posted March 26, 2010 Had the police round mine this morning......Apparently my dog was chasing some bloke on a bike.I told the police officer "That couldnt of been my dog!!"The police offer replied " how can you be 100% certain sir"I then replied " My dog doesnt have a bike" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted March 26, 2010 The Mother of all Jihadist jokesTwo Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat''s milk. The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing. ''''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'''' ''''Yes, I remember him as a baby'''' says the other mother cheerfully. "He''s a martyr now though" the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear'''' says the other. ''''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'''' ''''Oh, I remember him,'''' says the other happily, ''''he had such curly hair when he was born.'''' ''''He''s a martyr too'''' says the mother quietly. ''''Oh, gracious me . . . '''' says the other. ''''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.. He would have been 18'''', she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''''I remember when he first started school'''' ''''He''s a martyr also,'''' says the mother, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . . "They blow up so fast, don''t they?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted March 26, 2010 [quote user="city-till-i-die"]Men and woman.....To satisfy a Woman....praise her...pamper her...cuddle her...humour her...hold her...kiss her...phone her...charm her...romance her...talk to her...listen to her..pespect her...LOVE her.To satisfy a Man....SUCK HIS COCK.....job done[/quote]Love it ctid! [:D] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Hooleyfan 0 Posted March 26, 2010 I just drove home past Upton Park and saw 9 season tickets nailed to a board outside the ground. I thought , "I''ll have those......you can never have enough nails!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted March 26, 2010 ''I NO COME WORK TODAY !!!''Hung Chow calls into work and says, ''Hey, I no come worktoday, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legshurt, I no come work.''The boss says, ''You know something, Hung Chow, I reallyneed you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to mywife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everythingbetter and I go to work.. You try that.''Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. ''I do what Yousay and I feel great. I be at work soon . .. .. You got nice house'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BlyBlyBabes 0 Posted March 26, 2010 For Mr Carrow, Tangie ( and ''the likes of them'')Delia had a little nut,Little nut, little nut,Delia had a little nut,His fleece was green as grassEverywhere that Delia went,Delia went, Delia went,Everywhere that Delia wentThe nut was sure to passHe followed her to the pub one dayPub one day, pub one dayHe followed her to the pub one dayWhich was against the rules.It made the crowd laugh and play,Laugh and play, laugh and play,It made the crowd laugh and playTo see the nut at this pubAnd so the doorman turned him out,Turned him out, turned him out,And so the doorman turned him out,But still he lingered nearAnd waited patiently about,Patiently about, patiently about,And waited patiently aboutTill Delia did appear"Why does the nut love Delia so?"Love Delia so? Love Delia so?"Why does the nut love Delia so?"The eager crowd did cry"Why, Delia loves the nut, you know."Loves the nut, you know, loves the nut, you know"Why, Delia loves the nut, you know."The landlord did reply [:$][;)]OTBC Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
YankeeCanary 0 Posted March 26, 2010 It sounds like it was a tough Friday night Bly. [:D] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
YankeeCanary 0 Posted March 26, 2010 [quote user="YankeeCanary"]It sounds like it was a tough Friday night Bly. [:D][/quote]Make that Thursday because it was obviously a .....hangover. [:D] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
city-till-i-die 7 Posted March 27, 2010 Lol my wife got this as a txt... she Read it to me and I pi$$ed myself... It''s a bit crude but I thought I would share Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
raunds canary 215 Posted March 27, 2010 Johnnys teacher was worried when she saw a cat sticking out of his schoolbag at school yesterday .She asked him why he had brought it to school . He told her he had heard the postman telling his mum that when the kids had gone to school he was going to come back and eat her pussy so he was taking no chances! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites