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The Butler

Nearly forgot it's Friday

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CREMATED HUSBAND

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated
and brought his ashes home..

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio
table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking
to him

''Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought
it
with the insurance money!''

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then
said,
''Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also
bought
it with the insurance money!''
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers
in
the ashes she said, ''Herman, that diamond ring you promised
me?
Bought it too, with the insurance money!''
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said,
''Herman,
remember that blow job I always promised you?
Here it comes!''

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I''m a woman, and I''m tired of you all claiming that men are smarter than

women.My husband has finally proven you all wrong.He texted me

just before - "Jane my little blonde bunny I cannot wait to have a night of

loving tonight! Hope you''re ready for the best sex you''ve ever had ;).

xxx"What an idiot. First of all, my name is Sarah, secondly I''m

brunette, and thirdly he''s away at a conference tonight!

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NEWS : ''Suicide Bomber Strikes again''He is clearly not very good.

I''ve taken up bee-keeping. I''ve only got one.Takes the danger out of it.

I see Gadaffi has declared holy war on the Swiss. The rest of Europe will sign a

neutrality pact in the event of hostilities out of respect for the Swiss

soldiers that gave their lives in WW2. The French have surrendered just

in case.

I saw this guy in an Italian restaurant ordering pizza in fluent Italian. The

waiter seemed to appreciate his willingness to accept their culture.So,

I tried the same thing in our local Chinese restaurant.I squinted my

eyes and shouted, "Harro! Spesha frah raice prease!" But instead of showing

appreciation, they took the upturned prawn-cracker basket from my head and told

me to get out.

I was telling my mate I had to dump my girlfriend now she was 16.I

carried on, "When we first got together she was 8."He said, "You dirty

fucking pervert. People like you should be locked up. I can''t believe what you

are telling me."I said, "Mate, dress size is important."

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A US army platoon was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious on the left-hand side of the road.

On the right-hand side was a British soldier in a similar, but less serious state. The Brit was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the platoon leader asked the injured soldier what had happened.

The soldier reported: "I was recce-ing the highway here when suddenly; coming towards me from the south was a heavily-armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who''d got what he deserved.

The insurgent yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, useless, lying, one-eyed porridge munching jock. And furthermore, Lord Mandelson is a pillow-biting gay b@stard

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and ponces about like a frigid, hatchet-faced lesbian. He retaliated by saying that so does Harriet Harman.

And, there we were - in the middle of the road - shaking hands, when a fickin bus hit us.

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don''t even have a freezer to keep it in."

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn''t even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both fell out of the stupid tree and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn''t even have a penis!"

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"Someone''s been eating my porridge," growled father bear."Someone''s been eating my porridge too," said Mother bear."Where''s the fecking tele!?" said baby bear.

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Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer:
Princess Diana''s death.

Question:
How come?

Answer :

An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed
closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an English using American Bill Gates''s technology, and you''re probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian truck drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals....


That, my friends, is Globalization

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Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is, still a virgin.

His doctor says, “Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel.”

Paddy asks, “Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?”
 
The doctor replies, “Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, ‘That''s the strangest pair of balls I ever did see"..., you hit her with the shovel.

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They always ask at the doctor''s reception why you are there and you have to answer in front of others what''s wrong.  Sometimes it is embarrassing. There''s nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.  I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The receptionist said, ''Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?''

''There''s something wrong with my dick,'' he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said,  ''You shouldn''t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'' 
''Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,'' he said.

The receptionist replied, ''You''ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.''

The man replied, ''You shouldn''t ask people questions in a  room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ''Yes?''

''There''s something wrong with my ear,'' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

''And what is wrong with your ear, sir?''

''I can''t p*ss out of it,'' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in  laughter.

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Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.
They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus." 
It comes in pink and the average male thief won''t be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is!!!

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Three women were discussing their sexual fantasies and debating over who their ideal lover would be.
 
The first woman stated that she would have liked to be bedded by Rock Hudson as he was so hansome and athletic. The others said "oh no , didn''t you realize that was all an act and he was actually a homosexual ? He would not be any good at all. "
 
The second stated that she wanted someone more sophisticated, like Cary Grant. The others thought that he was too egotistical and vain and would only consider his own desires and satisfaction.
 
The third stated that her ideal lover would have been Winston Churchill. The others were shocked and asked her how she could possibly imagine sleeping with such an obese, arrogant, pugnacious windbag.
She replied that it was quite simple. " Don''t you recall his famous speech to the British people during the Battle of Britain when he said:  IT SHALL BE LONG, IT SHALL BE HARD, AND THERE WILL BE NO WITHDRAWAL ! "

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Gonna try a new position in bed with the missus tonight... it''s called the Toyota and no matter how much she scream.... I ain''t stoppin.

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[quote user="morty"]NEWS : ''Suicide Bomber Strikes again''He is clearly not very good.

I''ve taken up bee-keeping. I''ve only got one.Takes the danger out of it.

I see Gadaffi has declared holy war on the Swiss. The rest of Europe will sign a

neutrality pact in the event of hostilities out of respect for the Swiss

soldiers that gave their lives in WW2. The French have surrendered just

in case.

I saw this guy in an Italian restaurant ordering pizza in fluent Italian. The

waiter seemed to appreciate his willingness to accept their culture.So,

I tried the same thing in our local Chinese restaurant.I squinted my

eyes and shouted, "Harro! Spesha frah raice prease!" But instead of showing

appreciation, they took the upturned prawn-cracker basket from my head and told

me to get out.

I was telling my mate I had to dump my girlfriend now she was 16.I

carried on, "When we first got together she was 8."He said, "You dirty

fucking pervert. People like you should be locked up. I can''t believe what you

are telling me."I said, "Mate, dress size is important." [/quote]someone been looking on sickipedia!!

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I think this one could be applicable for many of my friends...Sat in a bar a guy asks for a shot...He then looks down his shirt and asks for two shots.Then he looks down his shirt again and looks up to the barman asking for another couple of shots.The bar tender says to the guy "I''ll serve you shots all night buddy but just tell me why you keep looking down your shirt?"The says "there is a picture of my wife down here and when she starts looking good it''s time to go home!"

Katie Price and Alex Reid have split...Apparently while making the Sunday Lunch , Katie asked Alex to turn on the veg...She was fuming when she found him tossing off Harvey.

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I''ve just come out of the ''chippy'' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.  A poor homeless man sat there and said ''I''ve not eaten for two days'' I told him ''I wish I had your will power'' 
 
  
A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said '' sorry about the wait '' I said '' don''t worry, you''ll lose it eventually '' 
 
 
Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says '' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one?  Paddy said '' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! ...............Murphy says ''Four!'' 
   
 
I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn''t matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.  Here''s how it goes '' Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'' 
 
 
Years ago it was suggested '' that an apple a day kept the doctor away '' But since all the doctors are now muslim, I''ve found that a bacon sandwich works a treat! 
 
 
The local mosque are having a bonfire tonight but keep it a surprise.........they don''t know about it yet!

 

In a London hospital an old priest lay dying. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation''s capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
 
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
 
"I would really like to see Tony Blair and Gordon Brown before I die", whispered the priest.
 
 "I''ll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
 
The nurse sent the request and waited for a
 response. Soon the word arrived; Tony Blair and Gordon Brown would be delighted to visit the priest.
 
As they went to the hospital, Brown commented to Blair, "I don''t know whythe old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images andmight even get me re-elected."
 
Blair agreed that it was a good thing.
 
When they arrived at the priest''s room, the priest took Blair''s hand in
 his right hand and Brown''s hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest''s face.
 
Finally Gordon Brown spoke.. "Father, of all the people you could havechosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
 
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life
 after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
 
 "Amen", said Brown.
 
 "Amen", said Blair.
 
 The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; and I would
 like to do the same."

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I''ve just come out of the ''chippy'' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.  A poor homeless man sat there and said ''I''ve not eaten for two days'' I told him ''I wish I had your will power'' 
 
  
A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said '' sorry about the wait '' I said '' don''t worry, you''ll lose it eventually '' 
 
 
Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says '' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one?  Paddy said '' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! ...............Murphy says ''Four!'' 
   
 
I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn''t matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.  Here''s how it goes '' Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'' 
 
 
Years ago it was suggested '' that an apple a day kept the doctor away '' But since all the doctors are now muslim, I''ve found that a bacon sandwich works a treat! 
 
 
The local mosque are having a bonfire tonight but keep it a surprise.........they don''t know about it yet!

 

In a London hospital an old priest lay dying. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation''s capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
 
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
 
"I would really like to see Tony Blair and Gordon Brown before I die", whispered the priest.
 
 "I''ll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
 
The nurse sent the request and waited for a
 response. Soon the word arrived; Tony Blair and Gordon Brown would be delighted to visit the priest.
 
As they went to the hospital, Brown commented to Blair, "I don''t know whythe old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images andmight even get me re-elected."
 
Blair agreed that it was a good thing.
 
When they arrived at the priest''s room, the priest took Blair''s hand in
 his right hand and Brown''s hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest''s face.
 
Finally Gordon Brown spoke.. "Father, of all the people you could havechosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
 
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life
 after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
 
 "Amen", said Brown.
 
 "Amen", said Blair.
 
 The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; and I would
 like to do the same."

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[quote user="city till i die"][quote user="morty"]NEWS : ''Suicide Bomber Strikes again''He is clearly not very good.

I''ve taken up bee-keeping. I''ve only got one.Takes the danger out of it.

I see Gadaffi has declared holy war on the Swiss. The rest of Europe will sign a

neutrality pact in the event of hostilities out of respect for the Swiss

soldiers that gave their lives in WW2. The French have surrendered just

in case.

I saw this guy in an Italian restaurant ordering pizza in fluent Italian. The

waiter seemed to appreciate his willingness to accept their culture.So,

I tried the same thing in our local Chinese restaurant.I squinted my

eyes and shouted, "Harro! Spesha frah raice prease!" But instead of showing

appreciation, they took the upturned prawn-cracker basket from my head and told

me to get out.

I was telling my mate I had to dump my girlfriend now she was 16.I

carried on, "When we first got together she was 8."He said, "You dirty

fucking pervert. People like you should be locked up. I can''t believe what you

are telling me."I said, "Mate, dress size is important." [/quote]someone been looking on sickipedia!![/quote]Naaaaah, they nick all their best jokes off me.[;)]

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[quote user="Smudger"]I think this one could be applicable for many of my friends...Sat in a bar a guy asks for a shot...He then looks down his shirt and asks for two shots.Then he looks down his shirt again and looks up to the barman asking for another couple of shots.The bar tender says to the guy "I''ll serve you shots all night buddy but just tell me why you keep looking down your shirt?"The says "there is a picture of my wife down here and when she starts looking good it''s time to go home!"

Katie Price and Alex Reid have split...Apparently while making the Sunday Lunch , Katie asked Alex to turn on the veg...She was fuming when she found him tossing off Harvey.[/quote]

Lol!!!You''re going straight to hell for that 2nd one!

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[quote user="The Butler"]

I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn''t matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.  Here''s how it goes '' Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?''

[/quote]My mate told me that chat-up line a few weeks ago, but my new favourite one came shortly after:"Get your coat, love.............. I''ve got a knife."

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This chap sits at a bar drinking doubles so the barman asks him what is wrong.The chap says he went home and caught his wife making love to his best friend.The barman asks what did he say to her."I told her to pack her bags and leave".The barman then asks what he said to his best friend.The chap replies " BAD DOG".

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[quote user="Smudger"]I think this one could be applicable for many of my friends...

Sat in a bar a guy asks for a shot...
He then looks down his shirt and asks for two shots.
Then he looks down his shirt again and looks up to the barman asking for another couple of shots.
The bar tender says to the guy "I''ll serve you shots all night buddy but just tell me why you keep looking down your shirt?"

The says "there is a picture of my wife down here and when she starts looking good it''s time to go home!"



Katie Price and Alex Reid have split...

Apparently while making the Sunday Lunch , Katie asked Alex to turn on the veg...

She was fuming when she found him tossing off Harvey.
[/quote]

I hate the word Lol, but I actually laughed out loud for the Jordon joke, still am.

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Once upon a time there lived a king. 

The king had a beautiful daughter, 

The PRINCESS. 

But there was a problem:

Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what; 

Metal, 

Wood, 

Stone, 

Anything she touched would melt.  

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. 

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? 

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 

''If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'' 

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.  
 

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his

daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the

king''s wealth..  

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE. 

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. 

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. 

The prince went away sadly 
.   

The second prince brought diamonds.  

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. 

But alas, 

Once the princess touched them, they melted.  
 

He too was sent away disappointed. 
  

The third prince approached. He told the princess, 

''Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'' 

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red 
.   

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. 

And it did not melt!!! 

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.  
 

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after. 

Question: What was in the prince''s pants?  
 

(Scroll  down for the answer) 
  

 

 

 

 

 

M&M''s of course. 

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.  
 

What were you thinking?? 

            

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