Friday pastime

[The Butler 0]

Not a joke this week but amusement for a dull day!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/reaction_version5.swf

 

Worked for me, if it doesn''t for you someone relink please[:)]

[Beauseant 0]

Forty gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying:

''I''ve got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?''

 

God replies ''We are over our quota on Pikeys.

 

Go back out to the Pearly Gates and tell them to choose among them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the
dozen in.''

 

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.

 

''They''ve gone'', he tells God.

 

''What?'' says God, ''All 40 of them?''

 

''No, the Pearly Gates''

[Beauseant 0]

The  Old  Flame

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called ''out-of-the-blue'' to see if I was still around

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

 

I couldn''t believe it when she asked if I''d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that old magic". "Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

 

"I don''t know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I''m a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don''t really have the energy I used to have."

 

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

 

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don''t mind a waistline that''s a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

 


She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

 


She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

 


Anyway, she giggled and said, "I''ve put on a few pounds myself!"  

So I told her to fuck off.

[The Butler 0]

Just right click on box and select open link.

This is great

[Andy Larkin 15]

[quote user="The Butler"]

Just right click on box and select open link.

This is great

[/quote]That is tremendous. Quality flash skills plus a great sense of humour.

[I am a Banana 0]

quality, brill find butler [;)]

[Shyster 0]

Quasimodo and Esmerelda are in their house, but Quasimodo is very upset, so Esmerelda asks him what''s wrong.

Quasimodo says "I''m the ugliest person in the world!"

Esmerelda tries to reassure him that he''s not.

Through floods of tears he replies "But I am, I am"

So Esmerelda says to him "Right! Get up the stairs and ask the magic mirror. That''ll tell you the truth."

So Quasimodo drags his hump from the chair and heads upstairs, still totally distraught.

He''s up there for about 20 minutes, then comes back down, with a very puzzled look on his face.

Esmerelda asks him what the magic mirror said.

Quasimodo says " You were right, I''m not the ugliest person in the world."

She asks him why he''s looking so puzzled, and Quasimodo replies:

"Who the f*ck is nutty nigel????"

[Nuff Said 5,079]

Shyster AND Butler - both quality! [:D] [:D] [:D]

[Shyster 0]

This stranger asked me if I preferred legs or breasts, "Actually" I replied "A nice shaven vag is more to my fancy."

Apparently, shaven c*nts are not available in the KFC Family Bucket.

[Shyster 0]

I phoned Poorman Rd and asked what time kick off was - the man replied "What time can you get here?"

[morty 0]

Old Jokes Home:Q: How do you confuse a tabloid reader?A: Tell them an asylum seeker''s killed a paedophile

[Shyster 0]

An Ipswich fan was so disgusted at their latest defeat that when he left the ground,he nailed his season ticket to the nearest lamp post.

An hour later when he calmed down,he went back to fetch it and someone had stolen the nail.

[Kathy 733]

[quote user="The Butler"]

Not a joke this week but amusement for a dull day!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/reaction_version5.swf

 

Worked for me, if it doesn''t for you someone relink please[:)]

[/quote]

Glad the sheep thing worked for you Butler ;)

[morty 0]

I currently own a system which is exactly 14 times better than Windows

7.I call it: Windows 98.

I''ve sent shockwaves through the cosmetics industry by inventing a strong,

aggressive polish remover.I''ve named it Hitler.

Your Mum''s so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders was

ending.

[:)]

[Shyster 0]

''Your Mum''s so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders was ending.''

HA! Best yet.

[morty 0]

My wife just dumped me because I''m "The king of stupid comparisons."I

feel like a bacon sandwich on chemotherapy.

When I was little, we used to play a game called "knock and run" where you knock

on someone''s door and run away before they answered.Nowadays, it''s known

as "Parcelforce"

These Americans obviously don''t understand the rules.That was quite

clearly a forward pass by the scrum-half.

[:)]

[morty 0]

[quote user="Shyster"]''Your Mum''s so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders was ending.''

HA! Best yet.[/quote]Hehehe, I like that one too.How do sick jokes go down on here, I have one I''m not sure about lol.

[AJ 1,218]

[quote user="The Butler"]

Just right click on box and select open link.

This is great

[/quote]There is a second one too; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTPpbHueNJ4

[Canary Man of Kent 0]

[quote user="morty"][quote user="Shyster"]''Your Mum''s so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders was ending.'' HA! Best yet.[/quote]

Hehehe, I like that one too.

How do sick jokes go down on here, I have one I''m not sure about lol.


[/quote]

Wiz''ll like it.

[morty 0]

This never fails to get me a date on Valentines day :-Roses are red,Violets are blue,I have a knife,Now get in the van.

[Canary Man of Kent 0]

haha! I like it Morty.

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night. ''I vish to buy sex viz you.'' ''OK,'' says the girl, ''I''ll charge 20 an hour.'' ''..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'' ''No problem,'' she replies cautiously, ''I can do little kinky.'' So off they go to the girl''s flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. ''I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'' The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees. ''Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'' She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs. ''You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'' She finds it odd, but figures it''s harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, ''That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'' ''Ah,'' says the German . ''zat is ze.... scroll down........................................ wait for it...... Four-sprung  Duck technique

[WeAreYellows49 0]

Just been to the gym and theres a new machine . I only used it for an hour as i started to feel sick! Its damn good though -its does everything kitkats, mars bars ,snickers, crisps........

 

Just took my Christmas tree back for a refund.
The assistant asked "Did you put it up yourself?"
I replied "What kind of sicko do you think I am?!"

 

 

A cheating wife is having sex with her lover when the phone rings. She picks it up, listens for a couple of minutes, puts it down and says, "that was my husband."
Worried, her lover starts to put his clothes on.
"Calm down," she says, "we''ve got plenty of time. He''s down the pub with you"

 

Boy comes home late from school one day and his dad asks "Where have you been?"
"With Jessica"
"Doing what?"
"Revising"
The boy then picks up a snack and says "These fishcakes are nice"
His dad says "Wash your hands son, they''re doughnuts!"

[I am a Banana 0]

your mums so fat - the whales think they are tic tacs [;)]

[morty 0]

[quote user="WeAreYellows49"]

Just been to the gym and theres a new machine . I only used it for an hour as i started to feel sick! Its damn good though -its does everything kitkats, mars bars ,snickers, crisps........

 

Just took my Christmas tree back for a refund.The assistant asked "Did you put it up yourself?"I replied "What kind of sicko do you think I am?!"

 

 

A cheating wife is having sex with her lover when the phone rings. She picks it up, listens for a couple of minutes, puts it down and says, "that was my husband."Worried, her lover starts to put his clothes on."Calm down," she says, "we''ve got plenty of time. He''s down the pub with you"

 

Boy comes home late from school one day and his dad asks "Where have you been?""With Jessica""Doing what?""Revising"The boy then picks up a snack and says "These fishcakes are nice"His dad says "Wash your hands son, they''re doughnuts!"

[/quote]Hahaha, I like jokes 2 and 4.

[I am a Banana 0]

your mums so thin she can hoola-hoop a cherrio

[I am a Banana 0]

your mums so fat when she goes into the sea, the whales start singing  "we are family"[8]

[morty 0]

Banana, your jokes are crap lol.

[Wings of a Sparrow 1,402]

Quote from girra yachts website:

"The Maltese Falcon is one of the largest Yachts in the world and boasts three towering free-standing rotating carbon-fibre masts holding 25,800 sq. ft. of canvas. Therefore making it the biggest and longest sail in the world"

Sh1t. They''re gonna be pi55ed off when they hear about DFS.

[WeAreYellows49 0]

[quote user="I am a Banana"]your mums so fat when she goes into the sea, the whales start singing  "we are family"[8][/quote]

Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks