Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
The Butler

Friday quickies

Recommended Posts

Son asked his mother the following question:
  
  ''Mum, why are wedding dresses white?'' The mother looks at her son and  replies: 
  
  ''Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.''  
  
  The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his  father.
  
  ''Dad why are wedding dresses white?''
  
  The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

 

 
 ''Son, all household appliances come  in white.''   

 

Six blokes go on a hunting trip.

Their tents only have room for two men in each.
No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Daryl because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn''t fair for just one of them to share with

Daryl the whole time, so they decided to take turns.
The first bloke to sleep in Daryl''s tent comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.
His mates ask, ''Crikey, what happened?''
He answers, ''Daryl snored so loudly,

 I just sat up and watched him all night.''

The next night it was a different bloke''s turn.
The following morning, same thing, his hair is all standing up and his
eyes are bloodshot.
His mates ask, ''Gees, what happened to you? You look awful!''
He says, ''Bloody Daryl shakes the roof.

 I just sat and watched him all
night, I couldn''t sleep.''

The third night was Frank''s turn.
Frank was a big, burly, ex-footballer; a man''s man.
The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
''Good morning,'' he says cheerfully.
His mates can''t believe it.
They ask, ''Blimey, what happened?''
Frank says, ''Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into
bed and kissed him good night.
Then he sat up and watched me all night 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
A guy sacked from the dodgems is taking hisemployers to court.He''s claiming funfair dismissal.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his
shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and
drove home.

''Where have you been?'' his wife demanded.

''I can''t lie to you,'' he replied, ''I''m having an affair with my
secretary. We had sex all afternoon.''

She looked down at his shoes and said: ''You lying
bast...rd! You''ve been playing golf!''

********************************************************


A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always
talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for
the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The
joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: ''There''s no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at our two beautiful daughters! Have you been fooling
around behind my back?''

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: ''Not this time!''






************************************************************


A mortician was working late one night. He examined the
body of the late Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling
discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

''I''m sorry Mr. Schwartz,'' the mortician commented, ''I can''t allow you
to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It
must be saved for posterity.''

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took
it home. ''I have something to show you won''t believe,''
he said to his wife, opening his brief case.

''Oh my gosh!'' the wife exclaimed, ''Schwartz is dead!''


****************************************************************************


A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her
husband opening the front door.
''Hurry,'' she said, ''stand in the corner.''

She rubbed baby oil all over
him, then dusted him with talcum powder. ''Don''t
move until I tell you,'' she said, ''pretend you''re a statue.''

''What''s this?'' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

''Oh it''s a statue,'' she replied, ''The Smiths bought one and I liked
it so I got one for us, too.''

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and
returned with a sandwich and a beer.


''Here,'' he said to the statue, ''have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.''

*******************************************************************


A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a
beer. ''Certainly, Sir , that''ll be ten cents.''

''Ten Cents!?'' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the
menu and asked: ''How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?''''

''A dollar'' the barman replied.

''A dollar!?'' exclaimed the man. ''Where''s the guy who owns this place?''

The bartender replied, ''Upstairs, with my wife.''

The man asked: ''What''s he doing upstairs with your wife?''

''The same thing I''m doing to his business down here.''







Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up
and said weakly: ''I have something I must confess.''

''There''s no need to, '' his wife replied.

''No,'' he insisted, ''I want to die in peace.. I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!''

''I know,'' she replied, ''Now just rest and let the poison work.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

APARTMENT for RENT

A businessman met this beautiful girl, & agreed to spend the night,
with her, for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left,
he told her that he did not have any cash with him,
but he''d have his secretary write a check & mail it to her,
calling the payment ''RENT for APARTMENT.''

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done,
realizing that the whole event hadn''t been worth the price.
So he had his secretary send a check for $250,
and enclose the following typed note:

''Dear Madam :-

Enclosed find a check for $250 ..
for rent of your apartment.I am not sending
the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place,
I was under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; &
  #3 - it was small enough to make me feel at home.

However, I found out that:

  #1 - it had been previously occupied,
  #2 - there wasn''t any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.''
Upon receipt of the note ......
the girl immediately returned the check for $250,
with the following note:

''Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
  beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
  #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.
  #3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
  regular size, but if you don''t have enough furniture
  to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full, or ...
we''ll be forced to contact your present Landlady ....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Marriage  (Part I )
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
 
''I''ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time 
I want -- and I don''t expect any hassle from you. 
 I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless 
I tell you that I won''t be home for dinner. 
I''ll  go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing 
when I want with my old buddies, and don''t you 
give me a hard time about it. 
Those are my rules.  Any comments?''
          
His new bride said: 
''No, that''s fine with me.  Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o''clock every night...whether you''re here or not.''
 
(SHE''S PRETTY SHARP!)
   
************************************************
    Marriage (Part II)
 
 
    Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
    The husband yells, ''When you die, I''m getting you a headstone 
that reads, ''Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever''!'' 
  
   ''Yeah?'' she replies. ''When you die, I''m getting you a headstone 
that reads, ''Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last''!''
 
    (HE ASKED FOR IT!)

 
*****************************************
 
    Marriage (Part III)
 
 
    Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. 
  
Husband gets up in a rage and says, ''And you are no 
good in bed either,'' and storms out of the house.
 
 After some time he realizes he was nasty and 
decides to make amends and rings her up. 
  
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, ''What took you so long to answer to the phone?''
    She says, ''I was in bed.''
   
''In bed this early, doing what?''
   
 ''Getting a second opinion!''
  
     (HE HAD IT COMING!)
 
  *****************************************
 
    Marriage (Part IV)
     
 
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.  
  
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his 
wife,'' Mother of Six'' in spite of her objections.
  
  One night, they go to a party.  The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.  He shouts at the top of his voice, ''Shall we go home Mother of Six?''
    
His wife, irritated by her husband''s lack of discretion, 
shouts right back, ''Any time you''re ready, Father of Four.''
   
(RIGHT ON!)
 
    *****************************************
 
   THE SILENT TREATMENT
 
  A man and his wife were having some problems at home 
and were giving each other the silent treatment. 
  
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife 
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. 
  
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece 
of paper, ''Please wake me at 5:00 AM.''  He left it where he knew she would find it. 
  
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it 
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
   
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn''t wakened him when he 
noticed a piece of paper by the bed.   The paper said, ''It is 5:00 AM.  Wake up.''
  
 (Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
[quote user="I am a Banana"]

do you copy these from the internet?

make up tour own!

 

 

[/quote]Go on then, you make some up and amaze us.[:)]

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

[quote user="morty"][quote user="I am a Banana"]

do you copy these from the internet?

make up tour own!

 [/quote]

Go on then, you make some up and amaze us.[:)][/quote]I did actually make up a joke once… it was very topical in the day.

Here goes!

Q / What is the difference between Michael Jackson and the Israeli Army?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
[quote user="Andy Larkin"][quote user="morty"][quote user="I am a Banana"]

do you copy these from the internet?

make up tour own!

 [/quote]

Go on then, you make some up and amaze us.[:)][/quote]I did actually make up a joke once… it was very topical in the day.

Here goes!

Q / What is the difference between Michael Jackson and the Israeli Army?[/quote]I don''t know, What is the difference between Michael Jackson and the Israeli Army?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
[quote user="morty"][quote user="Andy Larkin"][quote user="morty"][quote user="I am a Banana"]

do you copy these from the internet?

make up tour own!

 [/quote]

Go on then, you make some up and amaze us.[:)][/quote]I did actually make up a joke once… it was very topical in the day.

Here goes!

Q / What is the difference between Michael Jackson and the Israeli Army?[/quote]I don''t know, What is the difference between Michael Jackson and the Israeli Army?[/quote]A/ The Israeli Army took slightly longer to withdraw from Jordan!!

Boom, tish! Ayethangyow!To be fair, I never said it was any good, but it made me chuckle at the time!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This Army Major bangs on the door of the local brothel and asks, ''How much for the pleasure of my company?''

''£50'' came the reply.

''Very reasonable'' said the Major, ''Company, by the left quick march''.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
[quote user="First Wazzock"][quote user="I am a Banana"]

do you copy these from the internet?

make up tour own!

 

 

[/quote]

I scriptwrite for the best...[;)]

[/quote]

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
[quote user="Andy Larkin"][quote user="morty"][quote user="Andy Larkin"][quote user="morty"][quote user="I am a Banana"]

do you copy these from the internet?

make up tour own!

 [/quote]

Go on then, you make some up and amaze us.[:)][/quote]I did actually make up a joke once… it was very topical in the day.

Here goes!

Q / What is the difference between Michael Jackson and the Israeli Army?[/quote]I don''t know, What is the difference between Michael Jackson and the Israeli Army?[/quote]A/ The Israeli Army took slightly longer to withdraw from Jordan!!

Boom, tish! Ayethangyow!To be fair, I never said it was any good, but it made me chuckle at the time![/quote]Good work fella lol.[Y]

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

[quote user="Andy Larkin"][quote user="morty"][quote user="Andy Larkin"][quote user="morty"][quote user="I am a Banana"]

do you copy these from the internet?

make up tour own!

 [/quote]

Go on then, you make some up and amaze us.

[:)]
[/quote]

I did actually make up a joke once… it was very topical in the day.


Here goes!


Q / What is the difference between Michael Jackson and the Israeli Army?
[/quote]

I don''t know, What is the difference between Michael Jackson and the Israeli Army?[/quote]

A/ The Israeli Army took slightly longer to withdraw from Jordan!!



Boom, tish! Ayethangyow!

To be fair, I never said it was any good, but it made me chuckle at the time!

[/quote]

Thank you Mr. Larkin.

I would say WELL up to standard for a Friday thread[:D](but don''t leave the day job)

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
      
      1 bar of soap
      
      1 toothbrush
      
      1 tube of toothpaste
      
      1 loaf of bread
      
      1 pint of milk
      
      1 single serving of cereal
      
      1 single serving frozen dinner
      
      1 can of Soup For One
      
      1 16oz can of Miller Lite
      
      The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"
      
      The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"
      
      He replies, "Because you''re ugly."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn''t had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what''s wrong, and why doesn''t she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don''t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ''So are you going to pay today or what?'' so I take a ''or what''. When I get to work I''m late so the boss asks me, ''So are we going to write this down in the book or what?'' so I take a ''or what''.

Back home again I take the cab and again I don''t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ''So are you going to pay this time or what?'' so again I take a ''or what''. So you see doc when I get home I''m all tired out, and I don''t want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Little Emily

went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to

do cartwheels because she''s very good at them.

Mum said, "You should say "No" -they only want to look at your knickers."
 

Emily said, "I know they do.

That''s why I hide them in my bag"! 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a local gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately asked her to undress, afterwhich the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I''m doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you''re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I''m doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you''re checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I''m doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You''re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she''s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing''s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?."

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn''t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it ok if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
[quote user="morty"]http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/Amazing+Horse/You need your speakers switched on.[:)][/quote]That is quality! If somewhat stuck in my head now. Mmmmm sweet lemonade.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...