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The Butler

Slightly Early Friday

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Mr Cadbury met Ms Rowntree on a Double Decker, it was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street, in front of the Fisherman''s Friend pub. He asked her name,

"Polo, I''m the one with the hole" she said in a quiet Wispa. "I''m Marathon, the one with the

nuts" he said! Then he touched her Creme Eggs.
 
They checked into a hotel, he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Milky Way. He

fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment as she let out a

scream of sheer Turkish Delight!
 
Sadly 3 days later his Sherbert Fountain started to drip. It turns out Ms Rowntree had been

with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!


A little boy says to his mother,"Mommy, how come I''m black and you''re white?"


His mother replied,  
"Don''t even go there! From what I  remember about that party,   you''re bloody lucky you don''t bark!

NO SEX SINCE 1955
 
 A crusty old Navy Chief found himself at a gala event hosted by a
 local liberal arts college.
 There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in
 attendance, one of whom approached the Chief for conversation.
 
 ''Excuse me, Chief, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
 something bothering you?''
 
 ''Negative, ma''am. Just serious by nature.''
 
 The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, ''It
 looks like you have seen a lot of action.''
 
 ''Yes, ma''am, a lot of action.''
 
 The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
 ''You know, you should lighten up a little, relax and enjoy yourself.''
 
 The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.
 
 Finally the young lady said, ''You know, I hope you don''t take this
 the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?
 
 "1955, ma''am."
 
 "Well, there you are. No wonder you''re so serious. You really need
 to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
 
 She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded
 to ''relax'' him several times.
 
 Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest
 and said, ''Wow, you sure didn''t forget much since 1955.''
 
 The Chief said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, ''I
 Hope Not, - - - -- - It''s only 2130 now.''
 
 
 (Gotta Love Military Time)

 

MY LIVING WILL (Or one for Bly)
 
 
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,


''I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

 If that ever happens, just pull the plug.’


They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

They are such B............

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THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked ''Do you have any sales experience?''

The young man answered ''Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.''

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, ''OK, so how many sales did you make today?''

The Aussie said ''One!''

The manager groaned and continued, ''Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?''

''£124,237.64p.''

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!!What the hell did you sell him?''

''Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.''

''Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.''

''Then he said he didn''t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

The manager, incredulous, said, ''You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?''

''No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

''Well, since your weekend''s buggered, you might as well go fishing.''

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This is a true complaint to Devon and Cornwall Police (allegedly). 

 

Dear Sir/Madam


 


Automated telephone answering service:

 


Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.  Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I''m writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments  (I think you call them youths) in St Mary''s Crescent, which is just off St Mary''s Road in Bodmin.
 
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite.  This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
 
The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins.  One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.
 
I fear that it''s only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
 
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I''ve just finished decorating the kitchen.

 

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
 
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you''ll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
 
I remain your obedient servant
???????

 

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
POLICE REPLY:


 


Mr ??????,
 
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
 
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
 
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

 


PC ???????
Community Beat Officer
---------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Dear PC ???????

 


First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

 


May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary''s Crescent, I have never seen you.  Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself?  Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin?  It''s surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these tw ^ ts that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ???  If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I''ll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

Regards
?????????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don''t work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact!!!

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A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate,
      
      "How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded,
      
      "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked,
      
      "What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"
      
      "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked,
      
      "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye? The pirate answered,
      
      "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked,
      
      "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped,
      
      "It was the day after I got me hook!"

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Three guys die together and go to heaven. St Peter says "We only have one rule... don''t step on the ducks". They enter heaven and see ducks all over, almost impossible not to step on a duck.
      
      The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen... St Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever"
      
      The next day the second guy steps on a duck... Sure enough, St Peter comes with an ugly woman and chains them together...
      
      The third guy is very careful he goes months and doesn''t step on any ducks.
      
      One day St Peter comes with this gorgeous woman... Blonde, blue eyed...very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without a word.
      
      The third guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to get this"?
      
      She says "I don''t know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

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Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn''t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn''t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I''ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!"

... the teacher fainted!

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A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife''s monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow''s butt." "That''s when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow''s tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don''t remember much after that!"

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Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf when one one of them commented on how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed - and without an argument, go directly to the golf course to meet his buddies for 18 holes. All three of his friends unanimously agree, "Let''s do it! We''ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning!"

A few weeks later it''s Christmas morning - and there all are standing next to each other on the first tee box. One friend exclaims "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I had to buy my wife such a huge diamond ring, she can''t even take her eyes off it." Another friend says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." The third friend replies "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car... reading the manual." Silence from the fourth guy...

The other three friends in the group look puzzled, while the final guy in the foursome is staring at them like they must have lost their minds. "I can''t believe you all went to such and expense for a round of golf. I just woke up, slapped her on the butt and said, ''Well babe, Merry Christmas! Golf or sex, what''s it gonna be?" and she said "Take a sweater."

What''d You Think?

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An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. He is amazed to find a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. Excitedly, the Irishman begins..."Father, forgive me, for it''s been a very long time since I''ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out. You''re on my side."

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At a famous inner city park you''ll find two beautiful statues, one of a nude man and the other of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years when, one day, an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two of them to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you''ve wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel again tells them, "You two still have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?"

He asks her "Shall we?"

She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let''s! But this time change positions. I''ll hold the pigeon down and you can poop on its head!"

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A duck hunter was out in the marsh, enjoying the beautiful hunting weather when he felt the urge to relieve himself. So he walked over to the bushes and propped his gun against a tree. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew and knocked his gun over, discharging it and shooting him in the genitals.

Awaking several hours later in a hospital bed, our duck hunter is approached by his doctor. "Sir," the doc begins "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there''s no internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"Wow, that''s great!" replied the hunter. "So what''s the bad news?"

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I''m going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Oh, well that''s not so bad I guess," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "She''s a flute player in the local symphony, and she''s gonna to teach you where to put your fingers so you don''t pee in your eye."

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[quote user="The Butler"]

Mr Cadbury met Ms Rowntree on a Double Decker, it was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street, in front of the Fisherman''s Friend pub. He asked her name,

"Polo, I''m the one with the hole" she said in a quiet Wispa. "I''m Marathon, the one with the

nuts" he said! Then he touched her Creme Eggs.  They checked into a hotel, he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Milky Way. He

fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment as she let out a

scream of sheer Turkish Delight!  Sadly 3 days later his Sherbert Fountain started to drip. It turns out Ms Rowntree had been

with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!

[/quote]Quality

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Reports say there will be one new face at Man City before the end of January, apparantly Lescot and Tevez are fighting over it already.

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[quote user="Twitchy"]Reports say there will be one new face at Man City before the end of January, apparantly Lescot and Tevez are fighting over it already.[/quote]

haha!quality,had this as a status on myface!!!someones been on sickipedia!!!

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A guy walking his dog bumps into a genie, genie says I grant you one wish, guy says just one wish okay, I''d like my dog to win Crufts, the genie has a look at the dog with three legs one eye and no tail and says I think this is beyond my powers son, so the guy says how about you fix it so Liverpool win a cup this year, genie says give me a look at dog again.

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