Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
KCanary

OT - Friday one liners on a Wednesday.

Recommended Posts

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ''That''s Aboriginal.''
-----------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ''Tenpin?'' I said, ''No, permanent.''
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, ''Can I buy a goldfish?'' The guy said, ''Do you want an aquarium?'' I said, ''I don''t care what star sign it is.''
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. ''Best before End''
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ''Analogue.'' I said ''No, just a watch.''
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, ''Can someone sell me a kettle.'' The bloke said ''Kenwood'' I said, ''Where is he then?''
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He''s bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him ''I''m frightened of lapels.'' He said, ''You''ve got cholera.''
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can''t remember his name, its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn''t put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me ''What do you think of voluntary work? I said ''I wouldn''t do it if you paid me.''
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, ''You don''t need a tin opener to peel a banana.'' He said, ''No, this is for the custard.''
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ''I want you to trace someone for me.''
--------------------------
I told my mum that I''d opened a theatre. She said, ''Are you having me on?'' I said, ''Well I''ll give you an audition, but I''m not promising you anything.''
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them ''Can I have a skip outside my house?'' He said, ''I''m not stopping you!''
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says ''Audi!''
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, ''Nearest the bull goes first'' He went ''Baah'' and I went ''Moo'' He said ''You''re closest''
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I''d been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I''d been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said ''I careered off the road''
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It''s tiny: you couldn''t swing a cat in there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said ''Eurostar'' I said ''Well I''ve been on telly but I''m no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can''t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.''
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, ''Can I borrow Batman Forever?'' He said, ''No, you''ll have to bring it back tomorrow''
--------------------------------
A waiter asks a man, ''May I take your order, sir?'' ''Yes,'' the man replies. ''I''m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?'' ''Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they''re going to die.''

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

[quote user="norfolk-n-good"]Can’t help thinking you have been watching a Jimmy Carr video, I’m sure he told all of these at his show last year.[/quote]

Nope, was just sent to me so thought i''d just spread the love!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A bad taste text I got (not a one liner I know)

They say that in this cold weather you should keep an eye on your neighbours.

What about the old girl next door to me? She doesn''t come and check on me.

Lazy cow hasn''t got her milk in for the last 5 days either.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

These are all Tim Vine jokes, he''s a genius :) Look out for Lee Mack too... good friends (to each other, not me), same sort of material and both really funny guys!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was off on a long journey to Edinburgh on a train so I asked my mate if I could borrow a CD for the journey.

"Bjork?" he asked

"No," I replied "b''Durham"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
More than one line but here goes.

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, ''I can''t help but think, from listening to you, that you''re from Ireland .''

The other guy responds proudly, ''Yes, that I am!''

The first guy says, ''So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be''?

The other guy answers, ''I''m from Dublin , I am.''

The first guy responds, ''So am I!''

''Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?

The other guy says, ''A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.''

The first guy says, ''Faith and it''s a small world. So did I! So did I!

And to what school would you have been going''?

The other guy answers, ''Well now, I went to St. Mary''s, of course.''

The first guy gets really excited and says, ''And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate''?

The other guy answers, ''Well, now, let''s see. I graduated in 1964.''

The first guy exclaims, ''The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary''s in 1964 my own self!''

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ''It''s going to be a long night tonight.''

Vicky asks, ''Why do you say that, Brian''?

''The Murphy twins are pissed again.''

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
[quote user="Lakey"]These are all Tim Vine jokes, he''s a genius :) Look out for Lee Mack too... good friends (to each other, not me), same sort of material and both really funny guys![/quote]

Believe me, saw Jimmy Carr last year and he did these.

Guess there are only so many one liners going around.

Worst thing was I had to go to Ipswich to see him, ruined the night.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I went to the doctor. He said ''you''ve got a very serious illness''.
I said ''I want a second opinion''.
He said ''all right, you''re ugly as well''.

 

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.
He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.
He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.
Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.
It was a different elephant.

 

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I''ll take that as a
condiment".

 

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas!
It''s not her main present, just a stocking filler......

 

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T''PAU!
I said ''Don''t you mean KAPOW??
He said ''No, I''ve got china in my hand.''

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Tim Vine has taken his comedy style from Tommy Cooper. Lee Mack was in Norwich just before christmas did any one else go and see him? I thought it was excelent. Does any one also watch not going out with Lee and Tim in it?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on

 

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it''ll be a great trade!

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...