It's not a Wednesday so it must be FRIDAY

[The Butler 0]

Duties of Wives...

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties.


Terry had married a woman from Greece .

He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.



Jimmie had married a woman from Italy ..
He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn''t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.



The third man had married a Norfolk girl.

He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.



He said the first day he didn''t see anything, the second day he didn''t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

      God Bless Norfolk Women

 

Subject: Irish Password Protection!
 

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank Of Ireland it
was found that Paddy O''Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password : he replied

''''Bejazus! are yez feckin'' stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to contain at least 8 characters  and include one capital''''

[First Wazzock 902]

On his 77th birthday, Pete got a gift certificate from his wife Molly.  The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.  After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say 1-2-3.
When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged.  As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
The medicine man responded, "Your partner must say 1-2-3-4, but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

Eager to see if it worked, the old man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, He took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3".
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition; because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[First Wazzock 902]

Granddad was reminiscing about the good old days...
 
"When I were a lad, me mother would send me down to t''corner shop wi'' a shilling, and I''d come back wi'' five pounds o'' potatoes, two loaves o''bread, three pints o'' milk, a pound o'' cheese, a packet o'' tea, an'' ''alf a dozen eggs. Yer can''t do that now.
Too many bloody security cameras."

[I am a Banana 0]

A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Col U Fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their crappy old Blue and white shirts.

He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest "where are you going, Father?"

"I''m going to say mass at St. Joseph''s church, about 2 miles down the road" replied the priest.

"No problem Father. I''ll give you a lift. Climb in!" The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road.

Suddenly the driver saw a Col U Fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the dingle.

However even though he was certain he missed him, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn''t see anything he turned to the priest and said "I''m sorry Father, I almost hit that Gooner."

"That''s okay," replied the priest. "I got the fu*ker with the door!"

 

 

 

HOPE YOU LIKE [;)]

[First Wazzock 902]

A man goes out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

 

The man looks around and doesn''t see anyone.

Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club

away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked. He says to the frog,

"Wow that''s amazing."

You must be a lucky frog, heh?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole..

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!

hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn''t know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man plays the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I Should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom!

Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don''t know how to repay you

You''ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.

 

"And that is how the girl ended up in my room Elin.

So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."

[The Fish Seller 0]

[quote user="First Wazzock"]Granddad was reminiscing about the good old days...   "When I were a lad, me mother would send me down to t''corner shop wi'' a shilling, and I''d come back wi'' five pounds o'' potatoes, two loaves o''bread, three pints o'' milk, a pound o'' cheese, a packet o'' tea, an'' ''alf a dozen eggs. Yer can''t do that now. Too many bloody security cameras."[/quote]Priceless!! [:D]Two nuns walking past a graveyard late at night are accosted by a vampire who threatens to bite them and turn them into the undead. Sister Bernadette is petrified but sister Mary has her wits about her and shouts "Quick sister Bernadette, show him your cross".Recovering slightly sister Bernadette raises her hand and pointing her index finger at the vampire shouts "Now look here you''ve startled us, if you don''t go away I''m going to ruddy well give you a piece of my mind"!

Paddy goes into a bar and asks for 12 double Jamesons. The barman pours them slowly one by one until theres a big cluster of whisky glasses on the bar. Paddy carefully lines them up in a neat row and then BANG!!!!!1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12 slugs the lot one after another.Wow says the barman do you always drink like that?Well says Paddy yes, ever since the accident.Accident says the barman, it must have been a terrible accident to turn a man to drinking like that, what happened did you lose someone dear to you?Oh no says Paddy, one day some clumsy bugger knocked one over.

[Shack Attack 0]

What''s worse than finding a pubic hair in your soup?

9/11.

[ThetfordCanary 0]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat''s music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he''s not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he''s not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don''t worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat''s a ventriloquist."

[ThetfordCanary 0]

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."

Patient: "OH NO! That''s awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???"

Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer''s. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you

[ThetfordCanary 0]

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I''m crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"

[ThetfordCanary 0]

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we''ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You''ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you''ve got me in a good mood, I''ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you''ll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill''s delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I''ll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That''s what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It''s got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it''s missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

[ThetfordCanary 0]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I''m a 6'' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6''2", weighs 225, and he''s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6''5" pushing 300 and he''s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I''m gonna have to explain it five times."

[Shaun Tilly Lace 0]

[quote user="ThetfordCanary"]A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I''m a 6'' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6''2", weighs 225, and he''s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6''5" pushing 300 and he''s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I''m gonna have to explain it five times."
[/quote]

Ha ha. Yep, that activated my chuckle muscles.

[chaffy99 0]

200 shots fired at togo team bus and only 3 hit the target. Police think Ian henderson was involved!

[I am a Banana 0]

[quote user="chaffy99"]200 shots fired at togo team bus and only 3 hit the target. Police think Ian henderson was involved![/quote]

thats not even funny - one post , one bad post!

[The Butler 0]

[quote user="I am a Banana"]

[quote user="chaffy99"]200 shots fired at togo team bus and only 3 hit the target. Police think Ian henderson was involved![/quote]

thats not even funny - one post , one bad post!

[/quote]

You have just about taken over the Pups are you now taking over the Friday joke thread?

[Shyster 0]

What''s the definition of noise?

Two skeletons having a w*nk in a biscuit tin.

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

Twas the month after Christmas,
and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me,
not even a blouse.

The cookies I''d nibbled,
the chocolate I''d taste
At the holiday parties
had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales
there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store
(less a walk than a lumber),

I''d remember the marvellous meals I''d prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I''d never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband''s old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt...
I said to myself, as I only can,
"You can''t spend a Summer, disguised as a man!"

So, away with the last of the sour cream dip.
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won''t have a cookie, not even a lick.
I''ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won''t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie.
I''ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I''m hungry, I''m lonesome, and life is a bore...
But isn''t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all, and to all a good diet! [^]  [pi]  [;)]