Fridays Christmas Day so ............

[The Butler 0]

May
your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and
gravy
Never have a lump.
May your sprouts be delicious
And your
pies take the prize,
And may your Christmas dinner
Stay off your
thighs! 

IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN
Who''s jolly and cute,
Wearing a beard and a red
Flannel suit,
And if he is chuckling and
Laughing away,

While flying around in a

Miniature sleigh,

With eight tiny reindeer to pull

Him along,

Then let''s face it...

                    You’re Pissed!

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
 
 Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
 
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I''m smart and will answer the question." 
 
 Teacher: "Who said ''Four Score and Seven Years Ago''?"
 
 Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
 
 Teacher: "That''s right Susie, you can go home."
 
 Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
 
 Teacher: "Who said ''I Have a Dream''?"
 
 Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
 
 Teacher: "That''s right Mary, you can go."
 
 Johnny is even madder than before.
 
 Teacher: "Who said ''Ask not, what your country can do for you''?"
 
 Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
 
 Teacher: "That''s right Nancy , you may also leave."
 
 Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
 
 When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
 
 The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
 
 Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY 2010

 

[Beauseant 0]

Not Christmassy, but I like this one........

 

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, ''How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!''

''What a coincidence'' the farmer said. ''This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.''

''This is for me too, I am also celebrating,'' said the woman.

''''What a coincidence!'' said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses he added, ''What are you celebrating?''

''My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!''

''What a coincidence!'' said the man. ''I''m a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs.''

''That''s great!'' said the woman, ''How did your chickens become fertile?''

''I used a different cock,'' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass, and said, ''What a coincidence''

[pete_norw 0]

[quote user="Beauseant"]

Not Christmassy, but I like this one........

 

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, ''How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!''

''What a coincidence'' the farmer said. ''This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.''

''This is for me too, I am also celebrating,'' said the woman.

''''What a coincidence!'' said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses he added, ''What are you celebrating?''

''My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!''

''What a coincidence!'' said the man. ''I''m a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs.''

''That''s great!'' said the woman, ''How did your chickens become fertile?''

''I used a different cock,'' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass, and said, ''What a coincidence''

[/quote]

Can I put it to the vote that from now on Christmas become''s like the world cup, Once every four years 

[First Wazzock 1,010]

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

''HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT''S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.''

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
''FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ''POWERGEN'' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON''T THINK SO!''

''FINE!''

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
''WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON''T CLOSE RIGHT''

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, ''FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ''FRIDGIDAIRE''
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON''T THINK SO!''

''FINE!'' SHE SAYS
''THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK''

''I''M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON''T WANT TO FIX STEPS'', HE SAYS, ''DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ''TAYLOR WOODROW'' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON''T THINK SO! I''VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I''M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!''

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS.................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, ''HOW''D ALL THIS GET FIXED?''
SHE SAID, ''WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.''

HE SAID,
''SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?''

SHE REPLIED, ''HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE ''MR KIPLING'' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON''T THINK SO!''

[First Wazzock 1,010]

Delicious Chicken Recipe with Popcorn 
Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a
Stuffing - imagine that! When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect
For people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is
thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
 
Size 18. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup of uncooked popcorn
Salt & pepper to taste
 
Preheat oven to 220c.
 
Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity
with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end
towards the back of the oven. Listen to the popping sounds. When the
chicken''s arse blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across
the room, it is done.
 
And you thought I couldn''t cook!!!

[First Wazzock 1,010]

These two young lads were talking, one said, ''My dad was smoking a cigar last night and he can make the smoke come out of his eyes''

''How do you know?'', said the second lad.

''I saw him do it'' said the first.

''My dad can smoke cigars and blow the smoke out of his arse'', said the second lad.

''How do you know?'' said the first lad.

''I''ve seen the nicotine stains in his pants'' said the second lad.

[Yellow Peril 4]

My Wife doesn''t do a lot of cooking, but she decided to bake a cake for Christmas.

The recipe said to separate 2 eggs, so she put one in the kitchen & one in the living room

 

[The Butler 0]

Thought For The Day

Handle any stressful situation like a dog

If you can''t eat it or hump it.

Piss on it and walk away.

[Beauseant 0]

[quote user="The Butler"]

Thought For The Day

Handle any stressful situation like a dog

If you can''t eat it or hump it.

Piss on it and walk away.

[/quote]

 

Plagiarism is an awful thing......[;)]

[Gingerpele 0]

:D great stuff again

[The Butler 0]

[quote user="Beauseant"][quote user="The Butler"]

Thought For The Day

Handle any stressful situation like a dog

If you can''t eat it or hump it.

Piss on it and walk away.

[/quote]

 

Plagiarism is an awful thing......[;)]

[/quote]

Caught from black rats.

[First Wazzock 1,010]

Just a seasonal word of advice...

If you get a stomach upset and the whole world is falling out of your bottom, try Bisto.

It''s good for seasoning it and thickening it too !!!

[;)]

[city-till-i-die 7]

man says to his wife "do you want to play a rape game"?

"No" she says

"thats the spirit love"

 

 

The other day i watched another woman insert her fingers into my wifes puzzy...like alot of men in that situation i decided to have a W**k, i thought i better stop when i got a disaproving look from the midwife.

 

 

Man goes to the doctors and says "ive been shagging my wife for 10 yrs now and she is a bit loose, can you suggest anything to tighten her up a bit"?

Doc says "this is a bit taboosubject but have you tried going up the other hole"?

The man replies " And risk getting her pregnant"!

[raunds canary 238]

One of this years best sellers in boots has been Tampax which always increases during busy periods!