PurpleCanary 5,554 Posted December 13, 2009 ---Typical.You wait all year for a Christmas story and two come along at once. However,unlike dpit’s tautly-written piece, this is a typically verbose 2,000-word baggy monster. Soposters who don’t care for 2,000-word baggy monsters should look away now. Forthe remaining few, in my role as John the Baptist, paving the way for Mister Chops,the one who shall come after me…SUBMARINES AND TUGBOATS – A CHRISTMAS FABLEThe story so far…It is the autumn of 1942. The pride of the Kriegsmarine, U-1902, affectionately nicknamed Der Kanarienvoegel,has crash-dived to the bottom of the western Mediterranean after a savage depthcharge attack from HMS Pulis. One of the ballast tanks has been ruptured, wateris leaking into two of the torpedo tubes and the hydroplanes are jammed in adownward position. In thecramped bridge Kapitan zur See Jurgen von Doomcaster has just relayed the news to theassembled crew. ”Are we doomed? Doomed with von Doomcaster?” muses the delphicBlyBlyKinder, the U-boat’s Official Zen Buddhist Poser of NonsensicalRhetorical Questions (1st Class). “Aber, eine liebe, nicht wahr?” ”I saw thiscoming,” storms Able Seaman Herr.Carrow (Accountant 3rd Class, who graduated from high school Summa Cum Cherry-Picker). "Itwas quite obvious as soon as you compared the 1835 spending allocation ontangible unfixed submersible assets by the Paraguayan navy with the equivalentfigure from the Hanseatic League for 1267.Years on underinvestment by the High Command have left us without any escapeequipment. Doenitz out! Doenitz out!!!””Look on the bright side, chaps,” says Oberleutnant Graf Lilac von Purple, themauve-faced Prussian purser and Official Optimist Bore (1st Class,with Knight’s Cross and Oak Leaf Cluster). “From what the captain has said, that we’re stuck on thebottom with absolutely no hope of losing enough weight to get clear, faced withthe prospect of a slow and lingering death thousands of miles from our friendsand families, at least I can arrange another of my popular seminars onFiduciary Duty and How It Affects The Ordinary Seaman.”“Yes, well, be that as it may,” says von Doomcaster, “Meanwhile Ipropose totake the unique step of asking for advice.” There is a stunned silence.Whichis broken by Herr.Carrow, for the first time actually seeing the woodfor the trees. “Well, if it really is just weight we need to losethen why don’t we cut loose that bloody hotel we’ve been towing behindus allthe way from La Rochelle.That ought to do it.””Out of the question,” von Doomcaster splutters, his monocle falling to thefloor. “Every section of the German war machine is under strict instructions todiversify its income stream away from purely conflict-related activities. That“Rotten to the Afrika Korps” chain of night clubs kept Rommel in Tigers for ayear, and the Monte Cassino casino has proved very popular with the monks. Thenthere is the palm court palais de danse in the tractor factory at Stalingrad…well, perhaps not such a good example, but anorder is an order. And this hotel is just the start. I’ve already got my eyeson a couple of castles in Bavariato expand the portfolio. Ditching our first property would play havoc with theprofit and schloss account. [With thanks to the Financial Times sub-editor whocoined that joke; as they say, if you’re going to steal, steal from the best]And in any event it would be a suicide mission. Someone would have to gooutside to cut the hawser without a hope of getting back in.” At whichpoint all eyes turn to Leutnant Heinrich Grant, the inexperienced and all tooeager to please navigation officer whose idea it had been to make a surface runpast the Royal Navy dockyards at Gibraltar in broad daylight with the U-boat’s bandand choir on deck performing the Horst Wessel song while the rest of the crewwaved banners emblazoned with “Let’s be havin’ you, Tommy!”A YEAR LATER…… Followingits escape from a clichéd watery grave, Der Kanarienvogel has now run agroundin the less fashionable part of Provence, Grant’s replacement (“Roeder – a goodGerman name” according to von Doomcaster) had initially proved capable of readinga chart the right way up. Until he became embroiled in a heated argumentconducted by foghorn from the conning tower with his opposite number on U-1903as to which one had missed whose time as navigation officer on the Bismarck.Resulting in a silted-up channel of the Rhone delta being mistaken for the approachto the Royal Navy base at Malta. The seniorofficers are on deck contemplating the problem when out of the morning mistlooms a sturdy little ship. On its fo’c’sle is a rubicund man in a stripedshirt with pink braces, holding a copy of the Wall Street Journal. “Ahoy,there,” he calls out. “The tugboat Cullum at your service. Looks like you needa hand. Of course, I can’t tell you what the salvage deal would be although ifyou assume I’m going to want an upfront payment of the equivalent of £20m ingold bullion and I’ll need to be able to sell 60 per cent of the crew intoslavery in Morocco and offload the U-boat on to the Hungarian navy then youprobably wouldn’t be far wrong.””Impossible terms” von Doomcaster replies. “No self-respecting Germanofficerwould accept them. You can try torturing my crew. But that won''t swayme. Actually I would be delighted if you tortured the crew, but itstill won''t work. All I will tell you is what is laid down in theGeneva Convention and what Ihave for breakfast.””You mean…?” “Yes,” saysvon Doomcaster. “My name, rank and cereal number. Do your worst. We will justwait for high tide to lift us off.” “Not in theMed, you won’t, me old china, unless it’s suddenly developed anything like aserious tide after all these millennia. Still, it’s your look-out. Be seeingyou.” As theCullum disappears back into the mist a strange look comes into the kapitan’seyes. SOME MONTHSLATER… Surprisingly,von Doomcaster’s idea of using a giant lilo, inflated by hot air provided by BlyBlyKinder, to refloatU-1902 has worked. Roeder has been put ashore in Provence in disgrace, and his replacement is“Bren” Gunn, the former concert party organiser. His elevation follows theinsistent campaigning of Little Mel, the cabin boy with the unusually soft `skin,girlish complexion and high-pitched voice, who dragged von Doomcaster into theshowers for a lengthy private discussion on the subject. The decision has beenwelcomed by the rest of the company, on the self-serving basis that Gunn is theman least likely to have a clue about anything naval in general and navigationin particular. Therefore his attempts to follow von Doomcaster’s instructionsto head somewhere dangerous (like where there might be enemy ships) are boundto fail and lead – serendipitously - to safe waters. This counter-intuitivelogic is panning out. Gunn’s intricately plotted westerly course (“Left handdown a bit, Herr Mate”) back for a revenge attack on HMS Pulis at Gibraltar hasresulted in an easterly voyage to Suez and then a passage along a strangelystraight stretch of water (explained by Gunn to von Doomcaster as “probably theGrand Union Canal near Bletchley”, adding “We lead the invasion, mein kapitan!Glory is ours!!!”).Heading due south through the Red Sea a cry of“Ship ahoy” brings the officers up top. Out of the incipient mist appears adinghy, being rowed by a rubicund man in a sweat-stained striped shirt, withpink braces, and a badly-folded copy of the Wall Street Journal on his head. Inthe dinghy’s wake, being pulled along very, very slowly, is a familiar boat.”So, Herr Cullum, we meet again,” von Doomcaster sneers. “The foot seems to beon the other boot now, does it not?””Very droll. Always admired the German sense of humour. Moving on, any chance of atow to port, me old china?” Cullum asks. “Took a bit of agamble with a contango contract on the Romanian petroleum futures market. Forgot to factor in the chances of BomberCommand actually hitting the target for once and it’s left me just a touchshort of readies to buy marine diesel fuel in the here and now.””Dear me, anyone would think there was a war on, Herr Cullum! Ofcourse, I amjust a simple sea-faring soul who probably thought contango was afashionable SouthAmerican dance. Perhaps you should have tried a backwardation deal, instead.Never mind. Delighted to help, and I’m sure you’ll find my terms veryreasonable. A down-payment of the equivalent of £20m in gold bullion,and I’llbe selling you into white slavery in Morocco and you’ll also have topay me tooffload the dinghy and the tugboat on to the Bolivian Navy. And I’ll beclaiming on your life insurance.” Fiveminutes later the dinghy, with a quietly cursing Cullum plying the oarsfuriously, has disappeared from view, taking the tugboat with it. Destined tobecome just another maritime mystery - the Flying Salvageman, a ghost ship fatedto sail the oceans forever without hope of finding a haven and justoccasionally being glimpsed from a distance before fading back into the seamist, along with the faint, plaintive cry of “A tow, a tow, my tugboat for atow.”A WEEK LATERAfter two more authoritative commands of “Left hand down a bit, Herr Mate”U-1902 has somehow negotiated the Straits of Hormuz and surfaced off BanderAbbas in the Persian Gulf. “Glasgow. I am sure of it, mein kapitan. Thosesigns in Farsi are just a cunning ruse by the Scots resistance fighters.” Thena bumboat appears from the port and draws alongside. On board are two sinister-lookingmembers of the Gestapo in black overcoats – a chain-smoking man and a womanusing an egg whisk to keep the flies at bay. With them is a savagely crewcutKriegsmarine officer, complete with a pair of duelling scars, who isintroduced to von Doomcaster as Kapitan zur See Eberhard Nasty. And as his replacement.“You are being transferred north, to the Russian front,” the Gestapo womanexplains.”But that is a land war,” von Doomcaster gasps, suddenly very pale. “What usewill I be?””As much use as any of our troops there,” comes the grim reply.ANOTHER WEEK LATEROne “Left hand down a bit” too many and U-1902 has entered the Tigris-Euphratesdelta (“Loch Ness, Kapitan Nasty, I stake my reputation on it. The monster willbe our secret weapon leading us to ultimate victory!”). And become irretrievably grounded. “Well, look on thebright side, chaps,” says Oberleutnant Graf Lilac von Purple, Official OptimistBore (1st Class). “At least there can’t possibly be any fighting here. Who intheir right mind would ever go to war over a fly-blown country like Iraq?”AND ANOTHERWEEK LATER. BOXING DAY.Using his expertise as a concert party organiser, Gunn has entered the footballingmembers of the crew in the local Premier League, and overseen a strenuous bondingsession of group hugs and tots of rum before the first match, against UrUnited, managed by the wily and long-serving Abraham. A legend inMesopotamianfootball, his innovative 4:3:2:1 “ziggurat” formation is hard tocombat, particularlywith its ability to launch pitch-length counter-attacks in 4.5 seconds.Moreover his pre-match ritual sacrifice of a first-born son of a squadmember in the centre-circle in the Stadium of the Two Rivers stillstrikes fear into the opposition. Not to mention his own squad.Added to that are the fanatical supporters with their time-honoured “OneUr of the Chaldees, there’s only one Ur of the Chaldees” chant, plus thetaunting “What’s it like to see a civilisation?” and what is believed to be theoldest song in football history:”On the ball, Ur of the Chaldees,Never mind the Akkadians,Steady on, now’s your chance,Hurrah, we’ve invented writing.”All this information is contained in a dossier drawn up by “Beau” Brummel, the boat’s PE instructor, trading on hisone appearance as a ballboy for Rot-Weiss Essen reserves. However Gunn is stilltrying to come to terms with some of the basics of the game - “Is it the ballthat is round and the pitch rectangular, or the other way about?” and “I can’tfind any mention in the Rules of the horses. Where do they come in?” So thedossier has been passed on to his assistant in the dugout, but Potato Peeler (5thClass) Hugo “Ego” Scheister, selected by Gunn on the basis that he once drovepast a football stadium, throws it away unread. “My tactical genius is all thehelp you need. And this lot we’re playing haven’t won a thing in 5,500 yearsanyway.”TWO HOURS LATERWith the scoreboard showing (in cuneiform Sumerian) Der Kanarienvogel 1 UrUnited 7, Kapitan Nasty can been seen deep in an apparently friendlyconversation with Abraham that ends with a handshake, and the surreptitious handing-overof what looks like a sharp, metallic object. Then the kapitan walks to thedugout, grabs Gunn, and frog-marches him towards the blood-soaked centre-circle…THE ENDWith absolutely sincere apologies to anyone with fond memories of Das Boot. With vaguely sincere apologies to anyone with fond memoriesof The Navy Lark.With totally insincere apologies to anyone who mightfeel they recognise themselves. With sincere (but probably unnecessary) apologies to anyone left out. “Aber, eine liebe, nicht wahr?"--- Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Camuldonum 0 Posted December 13, 2009 Nicely crafted PC but probably a little too subtle in places..................[;)] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
YankeeCanary 0 Posted December 13, 2009 Wunderbar PC, aber "die eine liebe" is nicht gut fur Bly ( too sensual sounding ), who thinks one love is a tennis score and he''s ahead. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
morty 0 Posted December 13, 2009 I have ADHD, that was waaaaaaay too long to read. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mello Yello 2,277 Posted December 13, 2009 [quote user="Camuldonum"]Nicely crafted PC but probably a little too subtle in places..................[;)][/quote]I didn''t notice any subtitles? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
William Darby 0 Posted December 13, 2009 Didn''t grab me after a couple of paragraphs, so I gave up. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
PurpleCanary 5,554 Posted December 14, 2009 [quote user="Camuldonum"]Nicely crafted PC but probably a little too subtle in places..................[;)][/quote]Too subtle? Too subtle for a football message board? Is that possible?! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Beauseant 0 Posted December 14, 2009 Great stuff PC. I suspect, however, that there has been an outbreak of swooshing noises amongst some readers[;)] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ca 1 Posted December 14, 2009 Well done Purplecanary, your turn now Mr Chops [:D] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
blahblahblah 2 Posted December 14, 2009 I got it the second time. Or was it the third ?Extremely clever work Mr Purple [:)] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BlyBlyBabes 0 Posted December 14, 2009 Hic.....OTBC Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
PurpleCanary 5,554 Posted December 15, 2009 [quote user="blahblahblah"]I got it the second time. Or was it the third ?Extremely clever work Mr Purple [:)][/quote]In that case, blah, perhaps you could explain it to me when you''ve got a few hours to spare! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites