First Wazzock 863 Posted December 18, 2009 *Health & Safety and Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs* The Rocking Song Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir; We will lend a coat of fur, We will rock you, rock you, rock you, We will rock you, rock you, rock you Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative. Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences. Jingle Bells Dashing through the snow In a one horse open sleigh O''er the fields we go Laughing all the way A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance. While Shepherds Watched While shepherds watched Their flocks by night All seated on the ground The angel of the Lord came down And glory shone around The union of Shepherd''s has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts. Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory. Rudolph the red nosed reindeer Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw him, you would even say it glows. You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place. Little Donkey Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled ''little'' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights. We Three Kings We three kings of Orient are Bearing gifts we traverse afar Field and fountain, moor and mountain Following yonder star Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as ''cash for gold'' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher. We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels’ hooves. Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed - Social services??????? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 863 Posted December 18, 2009 21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas 1. I prefer breasts to legs 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3. Smother the butter all over the breasts! 4. If I don''t undo my trousers, I''ll burst! 5. I''ve never seen a better spread! 6. I''m in the mood for a little dark meat. 7. Are you ready for seconds yet? 8. It''s a little dry; do you still want to eat it? 9. Just wait your turn, you''ll get some! 10. Don''t play with your meat. 11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 12. Do you think you''ll be able to handle all these people at once? 13. I didn''t expect everyone to come at the same time! 14. You still have a little bit on your chin. 15. How long will it take after you put it in? 16. You''ll know it''s ready when it pops up. 17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 18. That''s the biggest bird I''ve ever had! 19. I''m so full, I''ve been gobbling nuts all morning 20. Wow, I didn''t think I could handle all that and still want more! 21. I do like a good stuffing. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted December 18, 2009 As the topic seems to be festive jokes, here''s another...One particular christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there was problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was going to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. As he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.The angel said, very cheerfully, ''Merry Christmas Santa, Isn''t it a lovely day ?I have a beautiful tree for you. Where do you want me to stick it ? '' Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Shaun Tilly Lace 0 Posted December 19, 2009 [quote user="First Wazzock"]21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas 1. I prefer breasts to legs 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3. Smother the butter all over the breasts! 4. If I don''t undo my trousers, I''ll burst! 5. I''ve never seen a better spread! 6. I''m in the mood for a little dark meat. 7. Are you ready for seconds yet? 8. It''s a little dry; do you still want to eat it? 9. Just wait your turn, you''ll get some! 10. Don''t play with your meat. 11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 12. Do you think you''ll be able to handle all these people at once? 13. I didn''t expect everyone to come at the same time! 14. You still have a little bit on your chin. 15. How long will it take after you put it in? 16. You''ll know it''s ready when it pops up. 17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 18. That''s the biggest bird I''ve ever had! 19. I''m so full, I''ve been gobbling nuts all morning 20. Wow, I didn''t think I could handle all that and still want more! 21. I do like a good stuffing.[/quote]Very good, FW. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites