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Friday Again Again

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Barak Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future

 

They decide to test it by asking a question each. Barak goes first

 "What will the USA be like in 100 years time"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"

 Gordon thinks "Its not bad this time machine, I''ll have a bit of that" so he asks "What will the United Kingdom be like in 100 years time?"

 The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout, but he just stares at it.

 "Come on Gordon" says Barak, "What does it say?"

 Gordon replies..... ..Buggered if I know........ ...it’s all in bloody Arabic!"

 

I''m not really too concerned about ''swine flu'', but something else is troubling me greatly ......... 

It''s this:

 

3 years ago - Chinese calendar year of the Cow . . . Mad Cow disease.

2 years ago - Chinese calendar year of the Bird . . . Avian flu.

This year - Chinese calendar year of the Pig . . . . .  Swine flu.

 

Next year is the year of the Cock.

Is anyone else worried?

 


P.S.  I''ve just beeen told it''s no big thing ! 

 

....which I also find quite upsetting!

 

 

A man is in bed with his Thai girlfriend.

 

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his dangly bit, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

 

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her:

 

 ''Why do you love doing that?'' 

 

   She replies: ''Because I really miss mine...''!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

New Treatment For Sunburn

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed

continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, ''What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor''?

The doctor replied, ''It won''t do anything for his condition, but it''ll keep the sheets off his legs.''

 

Have a goos day all[:D]

 




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Back in Victorian times Lady Lora Loveit and Lord Willy Fartwa are on an expedition, hacking their way with machetes through the darkest depths of the Amazon jungle, hour after hour, day after day. It''s hot, humid, mosquitoes, leeches, snakes, the lot.

Lady Lora eventually says "Willy, I''m so desperately hot, is there nothing I can do to cool down?". Lord Willy replies "the best thing I can suggest is to take your knickers off". "Never she says, I''m an English lady ... we don''t take our knickers off!". So they plough on, and next day Lady Lora says "God Willy, isn''t there something else you can suggest to help cool me down?!". "No" he replies, "like I said, take your knickers off". "Never!" she says.

So on they go, until eventally they come to a clearing in the jungle, with a few native huts. In the middle of the clearing is a big log, with this very large native lady sitting on it. She is looking very cool and calm as she eats into a piece of melon, and it''s very obvious from the way she is sitting in her native grass skirt that she is wearing nothing else underneath. Lady Lora cannot help but notice and walks up to her, and asks "Excuse me, but I cannot help notice you are not wearing any knickers ... is that why you are so unaffected by the heat and humidity, and stay so cool?". And the native lady replies "Well, I don''t know about that ... but it sure as hell keeps the flies of my melon!"

 

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A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. 
 
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he
realized they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there
awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the
beach every evening to watch the sun set. 

 
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. 

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better 
and better to the lonely Kiwi. 
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it. 
 
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
 the man took his arm from around the sheep. 

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together
but there was no more cuddling. 

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. 
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman
the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her 
and he slowly nursed her back to health. 
 
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their
evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky,
cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of
 romance. 
 
Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get ''those feelings'' again. 
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and
realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman
cautiously and whispered in her ear, 
 
''Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?''

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The 84 Year Old Bride

 

The local news station was interviewing an 84 year old lady because she had just got married – for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 84, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

‘He’s a funeral director’, she answered.

 

Interesting the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little more about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

 

After a short time a smile a smile came to her face and she answered proudly. She first married a banker in her early 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, later on a preacher when in her 60’s, and now, in her 80’s a funeral director.

 

The interviewer looked at her quite astonished and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

 

‘Easy Son’, she smiled

‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go’.

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This guy goes to the see the doctor, and tells him he has an orange willy.

The Doc has a look but is baffled. ''Could it be anything to do with your job?'' the Doc asked.

No says the guy I''m unemployed.

''What do you do all day then?'' asked the Doc.

''Eat Wotsits and watch internet porn'' said the guy.

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All those majors for Tiger Woods but he gets fined for careless driving whilst on his way out to a club. But what else could he expect if he was daft enough to eat a sand wedge for his tee whilst he was driving. Perhaps he was distracted by thinking about of one of the birdies who claim to have hooked him.

Obviously his approach to the drive was all wrong. He didn’t get the right swing on the wheels and had a slice of bad luck. No-one is quite sure what really happened although some people claim his foot slipped on the accelerator due to the presence of a bogey on the pedal.

Anyway, with his money, what was he doing taking himself out in his car? Shouldn''t he have used a driver? What did he do it fore? And what was he doing out and about at that time of the night as well? He claims he was just going out for a Ryde(r) but Mrs. Woods reckons he was on his way out to have a ball.

Apparently when the fire crew arrived at the scene an eagle-eyed fireman found him trapped in his car and they had to make the cut as he was wedged in. And the police were less than impressed with his closed stance over the incident. They did ask his wife how many times she had hit him with the 4 iron she was holding....."4 or 5 " she said........."put me down for a 5".

Of course he is so rich he owns lots of expensive cars but now he has a hole in one. The good news is that at least it wasn’t his Caddy lac that was damaged.

It does seem that Mrs. Woods has been treated in an un fairway whilst Tiger has been out enjoying some rough. His argument for doing so is that Mrs. Woods never wanted to play a round with him but he’ll be feeling below par by the time she’s finished with him. She has well and truly marked his card. Tiger for his part claims he played it straight down the middle and the best thing he can do now is to keep his head down. Going out in the future is now out of bounds for him and Mrs. Woods will shaft him for all he’s worth.

The first stunner who claimed she was in a relationship with him is enough to make any man green with envy. She must have driven Tiger crazy. And to look at her you''d think that putter wouldn''t melt in her mouth. Anyway, the hole event is now like an albatross around his neck and he may have to chip in with a few apologies.

At least these alleged relationships have been flushed out into the Open. Let’s hope this Major incident hasn''t put him off his stroke. And with that, this tale is beginning to flag.

How much of the above is true? Who knows. Perhaps we''re either all off our trolleys or completely bunkers.

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[quote user="Barry Brockes"]All those majors for Tiger Woods but he gets fined for careless driving whilst on his way out to a club. But what else could he expect if he was daft enough to eat a sand wedge for his tee whilst he was driving. Perhaps he was distracted by thinking about of one of the birdies who claim to have hooked him.

Obviously his approach to the drive was all wrong. He didn’t get the right swing on the wheels and had a slice of bad luck. No-one is quite sure what really happened although some people claim his foot slipped on the accelerator due to the presence of a bogey on the pedal.

Anyway, with his money, what was he doing taking himself out in his car? Shouldn''t he have used a driver? What did he do it fore? And what was he doing out and about at that time of the night as well? He claims he was just going out for a Ryde(r) but Mrs. Woods reckons he was on his way out to have a ball.

Apparently when the fire crew arrived at the scene an eagle-eyed fireman found him trapped in his car and they had to make the cut as he was wedged in. And the police were less than impressed with his closed stance over the incident. They did ask his wife how many times she had hit him with the 4 iron she was holding....."4 or 5 " she said........."put me down for a 5".

Of course he is so rich he owns lots of expensive cars but now he has a hole in one. The good news is that at least it wasn’t his Caddy lac that was damaged.

It does seem that Mrs. Woods has been treated in an un fairway whilst Tiger has been out enjoying some rough. His argument for doing so is that Mrs. Woods never wanted to play a round with him but he’ll be feeling below par by the time she’s finished with him. She has well and truly marked his card. Tiger for his part claims he played it straight down the middle and the best thing he can do now is to keep his head down. Going out in the future is now out of bounds for him and Mrs. Woods will shaft him for all he’s worth.

The first stunner who claimed she was in a relationship with him is enough to make any man green with envy. She must have driven Tiger crazy. And to look at her you''d think that putter wouldn''t melt in her mouth. Anyway, the hole event is now like an albatross around his neck and he may have to chip in with a few apologies.

At least these alleged relationships have been flushed out into the Open. Let’s hope this Major incident hasn''t put him off his stroke. And with that, this tale is beginning to flag.

How much of the above is true? Who knows. Perhaps we''re either all off our trolleys or completely bunkers.[/quote]

I am all punned out! Great post!! [8-|]

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Sky Sport are going to show all Liverpool games on the gay porn channel.

They say the sight of 11 @rseholes getting hammered every week is just too much...

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they''ll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there''s only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there''s some particular  reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and  says,

''Look at these,
  they''re the most perfect breasts God ever created and  I''m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for  eternity.''

The Angel thanks Dolly
and asks
Her Majesty the same  question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,
drinks it down.
then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.


The Angel says, ''OK, your Majesty, you may go in.''

Dolly is outraged and asks,

''What was that all about?
I show you two
of God''s own perfect creations and you turn me down.

She wees into a  toilet and she gets in!

Would you explain that to me?''

''Sorry, Dolly,'' says the Angel,

''but even in Heaven,


a Royal Flush


beats a Pair -


no matter how big they are

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An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her
husband,
I just let out a silent fart; what do you
think I should do?

He replies,
Put a new battery in your hearing aid.

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Wife gets naked & asks hubby, What turns you on
more, my pretty face or my sexy body?

Hubby looks her up & down and replies,
Your sense
of humour!

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POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost £300, she exclaimed: "I don''t have any money."  But I''d do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"  Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

He then said "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ... take it out....." He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .

Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered ..

"Well .... go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... .tentatively  said ....
"Hello. Mom, can you hear me?"

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The Bindi:
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads called a bindi. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion. The true story has recently been revealed.
When one of these women gets married, she brings with her a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won either:-
 
          A corner shop,
          A sub post office,

          A minicab company or

          A restaurant in
Bradford.
If nothing is there, he must take a job in
India answering telephone enquiries from Barclays Bank customers.
 
Just thought you would like to know.

 

 

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A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her
husband, “
I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay
me a compliment.

He replies,
Your eyesight is perfect.

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WHEN I SAY I''M BROKE...I''M BROKE!!
 
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
 
''Good morning,'' said the young man. ''If I could take a couple of minutes of  your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered 
vacuum cleaners.''

''Go away!'' I said. ''I haven''t got any money!'', ''I''m broke!'' and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.. ''Don''t be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my 
demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

''If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.''

 I stepped back and said, ''Well I hope you''ve got a F*cking good appetite, 
because they cut off my electricity this morning....What part of ''broke'' don''t you understand?''


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3  football  fans - a  City  fan, a  Southend  fan and a  Scummer fan were all walking home after watching a game at the pub.

They come across a dead, naked woman lying on the pavement, and decide to phone the police.

The City  fan could not bear to see the undignified woman lying on the floor in such a manner, and took off his City cap and placed it over
the woman''s left breast.

Not to be outdone the  Southend  fan, removed his cap and placed it over the woman''s right breast.

Similarly, the Scummer  fan felt he could be of assistance and removed his cap and placed it over her groin area.

 Now, when the police arrived, the 3  football fans had to stick around for questioning by the police.

They watched the officer inspect the scene of the crime.

The officer picked up the cap from the left breast, had a peek, put the cap down and then wrote down some notes.

He then picked up the cap from the right breast, had a peek, put the cap down and wrote down some notes.

Next, of course, was the cap over the groin area.

The officer picked up the cap, put it down and then wrote some notes.

He picked up the cap again, put it down and wrote some further notes.

For the third time, the officer did the same thing which infuriated the hell out of the
Scummer  fan to the point where he went up to the officer.

"What are you? Some kind of pervert? Why do you keep looking there?"asked the
obviously annoyed  Scummer  fan.

The officer replied "It''s just weird - normally, you''d expect to see a pr**k under a  Scummer  cap"

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Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered.

Here for the first time is a description of their properties.

Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don''t even go there!)

Physical Properties:
1) Generally round in form.
2) Boils at nothing and may freeze any time.
3) Melts whenever treated properly.
4) Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties:
1) Very active.
2) Highly unstable.
3) Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum,
and precious stones.
4) Violent when left alone.
5) Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food.
6) Turns slightly green when placed next to a better
specimen.

Usage:
1) Highly ornamental.
2) An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.
3) Probably the most powerful income reducing agent
known.

Caution:
1) Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
2) Illegal to possess more than one except in Utah.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Element Name: MAN

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties:
Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape
easily.
Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.
Difficult to find a pure sample.
Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct
electricity as easily as young
samples.

Chemical properties:
Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.
Also tends to form strong bonds with itself.
Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child)
for prolonged period of time.
Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage:
None known.
Possibly good methane source.
Good samples are able to produce large quantities on
command.

Caution:
In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes
and begins to smell.

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I got offered 8 legs of venison earlier today.....turned it down because it was two deer.......

------------------------------------

Ipswich fan comes out of the pub having got pissed on meths (usual binner drink).  Taking a short cut through a dark alley he''s propositioned by a prossie.  Now the Binner wouldnt usually go with such a woman (or even a woman at all) but he''s still got £20 of his benefit money left - so thinks why not and gets down to business

Whilst in the middle of the sordid act a policeman comes along and shines his torch on the couple.  "Whats going on here" asks PC Plod.  Binner thinks for a minute and draws himself up to his full 5 foot (round & tall) and says "Is a man not allowed to have sex with his wife"?

"Sorry!" says the copper.  "I didnt realise it was your wife!"  "Thats OK" says Binner.  "Nor did I until you shone your torch on her...."

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KFC scientists have successfully mated chickens with tarantulas to garner eight legs.But now they can''t catch the bastards.

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