First Wazzock 863 Posted October 23, 2009 Ok, I''ll set the ball rolling this week, but you had better do it next week.....Sports In IrelandTwo Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the birdsection. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat''s dem." The clerk comes over andasks if he can help them. "Yeah, we''ll take four of dem dere birds indat cage op dere," says Gerry,"Put dem in A peeper bag."The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.They get into Gerry''s van and drive until they are high up in theHill and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop."Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes twobirds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders jumps off the cliff.Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down fora few seconds followed by a ''SPLAT''. As Paddy looks over the edge ofthe cliff he shakes his head and says, "F**k dat, dis budgie jumpin''istoo f**kin'' dangerous for me."============ PART TWO =================== A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and hewalks up carrying the familiar ''peeper bag''. He pulls a parrot out ofthe bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus iscarrying a gun."Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edgeof the cliff.Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes out the gun and blows theparrot''s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there isa ''SPLAT''! as he joins Gerry''s remains at the bottom.Paddy shakes his head and says, "An'' oim never troyin'' datparrotshooting nider."========== PART THREE ==================A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too hasbeen to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar ''peeperbag''.Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launcheshimself off the cliff with the usual result.Once more Paddy shakes his head - "F**k me Sean, first der wasGerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now youf**kin'' hengliding." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
William Darby 0 Posted October 23, 2009 BNP have banned it Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Butler 0 Posted October 23, 2009 Thought after last week that perhaps no one was interested!!A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint . when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, ''Hey Koala! What are you doing?'' The koala said, ''Smoking a joint, come up and have some.''So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was ''dry'' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, ''What''s the matter with you?''The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,''Hey you!''So the koala looked down at him and said,''Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude......How much water did you drink!?'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ThetfordCanary 0 Posted October 23, 2009 THE INTERNATIONAL COUNCIL OF MAN LAWS1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss''s car. (d) When she is using her teeth.3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed andeaten by his friends.4: If you''ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is offlimits forever unless you actually marry her.5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate''s fridge is forbidden.However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for anotherman.In fact, even remembering your mate''s birthday is strictly optional. Atthat point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy''schoice.7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not theweakest.8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you mayask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who''splaying.9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her toclimax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose offlatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she''sofficially your girlfriend.10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you''resunning on a tropical beach ... and it''s delivered by a topless modeland only when it''s free.11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed tokick another guy in the nuts.12: Unless you''re in prison, never fight naked.13: Friends don''t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.14: If a man''s fly is down, that''s his problem, you didn''t see anything.15: Women who claim they ''love to watch sports'' must be treated as spiesuntil they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink asmuch as the other sports watchers.16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman mustremain sober enough to fight.17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice ofpizza, but not both, that''s just greedy.18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you''d better be talkingabout his choice of beer.19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,except if she''s withholding sex pending your response.20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footingi.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all othersituations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation youneed.21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longerthan you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.Hang up if necessary.22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly ''just a friend''have carnal, drunken monkey sex - the fact that you''re feeling weirdand guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before thediscussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable forher to drive yours.24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green,orange or sky blue.25: The girl who replies to the question ''What do you want forChristmas?''with ''If you loved me, you''d know what I want!'' gets an Xbox 360 End ofstory.26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men''sGymnastics.Ever.27: We''ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you reallyknow the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, thedefinition of each is listed below:'' GUTS '' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, beingassaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, ''areyou still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'''' BALLS '' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smellingof perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife squareon the ass and having the balls to say, ''You''re next fatty!''I hope this clears up any confusion,The International Council of Man Laws Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Beauseant 0 Posted October 23, 2009 A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman''s husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there. After a little while the little boy says, ''Dark in here. The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, ''Yes, it is.'' Boy - ''I have a football.'' Man - ''That''s nice.'' Boy - ''Want to buy it?'' Man - ''No, thanks.'' Boy - ''My dad''s outside.'' Man - ''OK, how much?'' Boy - ''£ 250'' In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together. Boy - ''Dark in here.'' Man - ''Yes, it is.'' Boy - ''I have football boots.'' The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, ''OK How much this time?'' Boy - ''£ 750'' Man - ''Sold.'' A few days later, the boys'' father says to the boy, ''Grab your boots and football, let''s go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, ''I can''t, I sold my ball and boots.'' The father asks, ''How much did you sell them for and to who?'' The boy says, ''To a friend of mine for a £ 1,000.'' The father says, ''That''s a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that''. ''That''s four times what they cost when they were new, I''m going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'' They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, ''Dark in here''.. The priest says, ''Don''t start that shit again you little prick, you''re in my cupboard now''!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 863 Posted October 23, 2009 LITTLE HARRY ON MATHS (Part 1) A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Harry . He replies, ''None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.''The teacher replies , ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.''Then little Harry says, ''I have a question for YOU Miss Rogers''.There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.Which one is married?''The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ''Well, I suppose the one that''s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''To which Little Harry replies, ''The correct answer is ''The one with the wedding-ring on, ''but I like your thinking.'' LITTLE HARRY ON MATH (Part 2) Little Harry returns from school and says he got an ''F'' in arithmetic.''Why''? asks the father.''The teacher asked ''How much is 2 x 3'', so I said 6'', replies Harry.''But that''s right'' says his father.''Yeah, but then she asked me, ''How much is 3 x 2''''What''s the f**kin'' difference?'' asks the father.''That''s what I said'' replied Harry. LITTLE HARRY ON ENGLISH Little Harry goes to school, and the teacher says, ''Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words in our class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?''Harry says ''Mas-tur-bate.''Miss Rogers smiles and says, ''Wow, Harry, that''s a real mouthful.''Little Harry says, ''No, Miss Rogers, you''re thinking of a blow-job.'' LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR Little Harry was sitting in the class one day . All of a sudden , he needed to go to the bathroom ... He yelled out, ''Miss Jones, I need to go take a p*ss!!''The teacher replied, ''Now Harry, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation . The correct word you want to is, ''I need to Urinate''. Please use the word ''ur-i-nate'' in a sentence correctly , and I will allow you to go.''Little Harry thinks for a bit , and then says , ''YOUR''E AN EIGHT, but if you had bigger t*ts, you''d be a TEN '' LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2) One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word ''beautiful'' in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, ''My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it.''''Very good, Suzie,'' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.''My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautifully.''She said, ''Excellent, Michael, excellent.'' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Harry.''Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said ''Beautiful, just f**kin'' beautiful''. LITTLE HARRY ON GETTING OLDER Little Harry was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th bar, a man on the bench across from him said, ''Son, you know eating all that candy isn''t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.''Little Harry replied, ''My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.''The man asked, ''Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time''? Little Harry answered, ''No, he just minded his own f**kin'' business Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 863 Posted October 23, 2009 "I Hate My Job" day When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this. On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the Thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson - be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized". Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson." HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE A** THAN YOURS! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
John 0 Posted October 23, 2009 [quote user="The Butler"]Thought after last week that perhaps no one was interested!![/quote]Are you kidding?Just because we''re not commenting Butler doesn''t mean it''s not a bloody good read mate.[Y] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
B-ru 0 Posted October 23, 2009 [quote user="Big Bad John"][quote user="The Butler"]Thought after last week that perhaps no one was interested!![/quote]Are you kidding?Just because we''re not commenting Butler doesn''t mean it''s not a bloody good read mate.[Y][/quote]agreed! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Wings of a Sparrow 1,385 Posted October 23, 2009 A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs.A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew''s refrigerator, which she did.The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?Not one hand went up..so, she took them home, and ate them herself. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites