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First Wazzock

Hey Butler, where's the 'It's Friday thread'? [^o)]

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Ok, I''ll set the ball rolling this week, but you had better do it next week.....

Sports In Ireland

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird
section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat''s dem." The clerk comes over and
asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we''ll take four of dem dere birds in
dat cage op dere," says Gerry,"Put dem in A peeper bag."

The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry''s van and drive until they are high up in the
Hill and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.

"Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two
birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for
a few seconds followed by a ''SPLAT''. As Paddy looks over the edge of
the cliff he shakes his head and says, "F**k dat, dis budgie jumpin''is
too f**kin'' dangerous for me."


============ PART TWO =================== 

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he
walks up carrying the familiar ''peeper bag''. He pulls a parrot out of
the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is
carrying a gun.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge
of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes out the gun and blows the
parrot''s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is
a ''SPLAT''! as he joins Gerry''s remains at the bottom.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "An'' oim never troyin'' dat
parrotshooting nider."
========== PART THREE ==================

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has
been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar ''peeper
bag''.

Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches
himself off the cliff with the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head - "F**k me Sean, first der was
Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you
f**kin'' hengliding."

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Thought after last week that perhaps no one was interested!!

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint .

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, ''Hey Koala! What are you doing?''

The koala said, ''Smoking a joint, come up and have some.''

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.  After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was ''dry'' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, ''What''s the matter with you?''

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

''Hey you!''

So the koala looked down at him and said,

''Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude......
How much water did you drink!?''

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THE INTERNATIONAL COUNCIL OF MAN LAWS

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
  (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
  (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
  (c) After wrecking your boss''s car.
  (d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his friends.

4: If you''ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate''s fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man.
In fact, even remembering your mate''s birthday is strictly optional. At
that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy''s
choice.


7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who''s
playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she''s
officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you''re
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it''s delivered by a topless model
and only when it''s free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you''re in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don''t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man''s fly is down, that''s his problem, you didn''t see anything.

15: Women who claim they ''love to watch sports'' must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that''s just greedy.

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you''d better be talking
about his choice of beer.

19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she''s withholding sex pending your response.

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly ''just a friend''
have carnal, drunken monkey sex -  the fact that you''re feeling weird
and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green,
orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question ''What do you want for
Christmas?''
with ''If you loved me, you''d know what I want!'' gets an Xbox 360 End of
story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men''s
Gymnastics.
Ever.

27: We''ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition of each is listed below:

'' GUTS '' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, ''are
you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?''

'' BALLS '' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square
on the ass and having the balls to say, ''You''re next fatty!''


I hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Man Laws

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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman''s husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not
realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, ''Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let
alone from a little boy says, ''Yes, it is.''

Boy - ''I have a football.''

Man - ''That''s nice.''

Boy - ''Want to buy it?''

Man - ''No, thanks.''

Boy - ''My dad''s outside.''

Man - ''OK, how much?''

Boy - ''£ 250''

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the
cupboard together.

Boy - ''Dark in here.''

Man - ''Yes, it is.''

Boy - ''I have football boots.''

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, ''OK How much this
time?''


Boy - ''£ 750''

Man - ''Sold.''

A few days later, the boys'' father says to the boy, ''Grab your boots and
football, let''s go outside and have a game of
soccer.

The boy says, ''I can''t, I sold my ball and boots.''
The father asks, ''How much did you sell them for and to who?''


The boy says, ''To a friend of mine for a £ 1,000.''

The father says, ''That''s a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like
that''. ''That''s four times what they cost when they were new, I''m going to
take you to church and make you confess your terrible
sins.''


They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession
booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, ''Dark in here''..

The priest says, ''Don''t start that shit again you little prick, you''re in my
cupboard now''!!     
  

  

 

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LITTLE HARRY ON MATHS   (Part 1)  

 


A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?''  
She calls on little Harry .
He replies, ''None, they will all fly away   with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies ,  ''The correct   answer is 4,   but I like your thinking.''

Then little Harry   says, ''I have a question for YOU Miss Rogers''.

There are 3 women sitting   on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.  
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone.  
The third is   biting off the   top of   the ice cream.
Which   one is married?''

The teacher, blushing   a great deal, replied,   ''Well, I suppose the one that''s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

To which Little Harry replies, ''The correct answer is ''The one with the wedding-ring on, ''but I like your thinking.''

 


LITTLE HARRY ON MATH  (Part 2)

 


Little Harry returns from school and says he got an ''F'' in arithmetic.

''Why''? asks the father.

''The teacher asked ''How much is 2 x 3'', so I said 6'', replies Harry.

''But that''s right'' says his father.

''Yeah, but then she asked me, ''How much is 3 x 2''

''What''s the f**kin'' difference?'' asks the father.

''That''s what I said'' replied Harry.

 


LITTLE HARRY ON ENGLISH

 


Little Harry goes to school, and the teacher says, ''Today we are   going to   learn multi-syllable words in our class.   Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?''

Harry says ''Mas-tur-bate.''

Miss Rogers smiles and says, ''Wow, Harry, that''s a real mouthful.''

Little Harry says, ''No, Miss Rogers, you''re thinking of a blow-job.''

 


LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR

 


Little Harry   was sitting   in the class   one day .
All of a sudden ,  he needed to go to the bathroom ...
He yelled out,   ''Miss Jones, I need to go take a p*ss!!''

The teacher replied, ''Now Harry, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation .  The correct   word you want   to is,   ''I need to Urinate''. Please use the word   ''ur-i-nate''   in a sentence correctly ,  and I will allow   you to go.''

Little   Harry   thinks for a bit ,  and then says ,   ''YOUR''E   AN EIGHT,  but  if you had bigger t*ts,   you''d be a  TEN ''

 


LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR  (Part 2)

 


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word ''beautiful'' in the same sentence twice.  

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, ''My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it.''
''Very good, Suzie,'' replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael.
''My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautifully.''

She said, ''Excellent, Michael, excellent.''  
Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Harry.

''Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said ''Beautiful, just f**kin'' beautiful''.

 


LITTLE HARRY ON GETTING OLDER

 


Little Harry   was sitting   on a park   bench, munching   on one candy bar after another.  

After the 6th bar, a man on the bench across from him said,
''Son, you know eating all that candy isn''t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.''

Little Harry replied, ''My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.''

The man asked, ''Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time''?  

Little   Harry   answered,   ''No,   he just minded his own f**kin''   business

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"I Hate My Job" day 

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this.
 
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
 
Thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &
 Johnson - be very sure you get this brand. 

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the
 phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable 
clothing and sit in your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the
 
thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it
 
will not become chipped or broken.
 

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read
 
it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
 


"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested
 and then sanitized". 



Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do
 
not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &
 
Johnson."
 

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE A** THAN YOURS!
 

 

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[quote user="The Butler"]

Thought after last week that perhaps no one was interested!!

[/quote]Are you kidding?Just because we''re not commenting Butler doesn''t mean it''s not a bloody good read mate.[Y]

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[quote user="Big Bad John"][quote user="The Butler"]

Thought after last week that perhaps no one was interested!!

[/quote]

Are you kidding?

Just because we''re not commenting Butler doesn''t mean it''s not a bloody good read mate.[Y]
[/quote]

agreed!

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A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs.

A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew''s refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and

rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in

New Orleans, please raise your hand?

Not one hand went up..so, she took them home, and ate them herself.

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