Friday again !

[The Butler 0]

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife.
He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''''It''s my wife! I''ve accidentally shot her, I''ve killed her!''''

Operator: ''''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead !''''

*click* *BANG! *

 

This frustrated wife buys a pair of crutchless knickers in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa
opposite her husband.

 At strategic moments she crosses her legs ... enough times ''til her
husband says...

"Are you wearing crutchless knickers?"

 "Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

 "Thank Christ for that... I thought the stuffing was coming out of the
lounge suite."

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.   
                                                                                  
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. 
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. 

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ''cocktails'', ''highballs'' and just a good old-fashioned ''stiff drink''.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.     

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer''s research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.     

 

Enjoy your day[:D]

 

[Beauseant 0]

 

 

I would first of all like to protest again at the unacceptably non PC nature of this thread. Then I''d like to post this:

 Son asked his mother the following question:

''Mum, why are wedding dresses white?'' The mother looks at her son and repliess:

''Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.''

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father..

''Dad why are wedding dresses white?''

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

"Son, all household appliances come in white"

[Beauseant 0]

George Bush and one of his key advisors sit down in the staff restaurant in the west wing of the White House. The waitress comes over and asks for their order. The key advisor asked for lamb with mint. Bush after a lot of hard thought, looks the waitress up and down and says, "I''d really like a quickie"

The waitress, stunned by what she''s just heard, stammers, "Excuse me!?" Bush repeats himself louder, "I''d really like a quickie!" The waitress slaps him across the face screaming and raving about how she thought work would be better without Clinton sneaking in to the staff room, but clearly America chooses its perverts carefully.

She is quickly shot down by secret service men, and as they are covering over the body, the key advisor leans over and whispers in Bush''s ear:

"I believe that''s pronounced quiche sir."

[First Wazzock 902]

This chain letter was developed by an individual in order to make his sex life more agreeable. As opposed to normal chain letters, this one costs nothing, and you can only win.
Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your best friends who are just as virile as you. Then anaesthetize your wife/partner, put her in a large carton (don''t forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list.

 

Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, will be at least:
* 0.5 miss worlds
* 2.5 models
* 463 wild nymphos
* 3,234 good-looking nymphos
* 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms
* 40,198 bi-sexual women

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER

One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face.

On the same day, the international supermodel he''d been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter.) While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion.
Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS LETTER

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can screw her. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.

Do not hesitate: send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

PS Even when you have no girlfriend, you can use your vacuum cleaner.

PPS This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can
prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.

 

(Must dash, the post has just arrived.)

[First Wazzock 902]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies.  Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I''m not sure what to do," says the devil. "You''re on my list but I have no room for you.  As you definitely have to stay here, I''m going to have to let someone else go.  I''ve got three folks here who weren''t quite as bad as you.  I''ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I''ll even let you decide who leaves."

 George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

 The devil opened the first room.  In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.  He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.

Such was his fate in hell.

 "No!" George said. "I don''t think so.  I''m not a good swimmer and don''t think I could stay in hot water all day."

 The devil led him to the next room.  In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks.  All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

 "No!  I''ve got this problem with my shoulder.  I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.

 The devil opened a third door.  In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.  Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. 

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

 The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you''re free to go!"

[Wings of a Sparrow 1,409]

IRISH SAUSAGES
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn''t have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said ''Hang on, I have an idea.''

He went next door to the butcher''s shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said ''Are you crazy? Now we don''t have any money at all!''

  Murphy replied, ''Don''t worry - just follow me.''

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints

of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said ''Now you''ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven''t got any money!!''

Murphy replied, with a smile. ''Don''t worry, I have a plan , Cheers! ''

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, ''OK, I''ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.''

The barman noticed  them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

  At the tenth pub Shamus said ''Murphy - I don''t think I can do any more of this. I''m drunk and me knees are killing me!''

Murphy said, ''How do you think I feel? I can''t even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.''  

[Scooby 0]

Priceless.  I still Luuuuuuurrrvvve Fridays!! Thanks guys [:D]

[Wings of a Sparrow 1,409]

Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils.
[:)]
"Johnny, what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I''m too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in third grade and I''m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal''s office. The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

He started by asking Johhny some simple arithmetic.

"What is three times three?"
"Nine, Sir."

"How much is nine times six?"
"Fifty-four."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looked at Ms Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to third grade! He seems smart enough."

Ms Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Johnny both agreed.

Ms Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma''am"

"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
"Pockets!"

"OK, what does a dog do that a man steps into?"
"Pants."

"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
"Coconut."

"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal''s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. "Bubblegum!"

"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
"Shake hands, Ma''am."

"Now for some "Who am I" sort of questions, OK? First one.

You stick your poles inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do."
Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"

"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you''re bored. The best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"

"I come in many sizes. When I''m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
"Nose."

"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver."
"Arrow."

"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an ''F'', ends in K'', and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
"Firetruck, Ma''am!

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send him to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself

[The Butler 0]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, ''Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can''t figure out how to get started.''

Her boyfriend asks, ''What is it supposed to be when it''s finished?''

The blonde says, ''According to the picture on the box, it''s a rooster.''

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

''First of all, no matter what we do, we''re not going to be able to assemble these pieces
into anything resembling a rooster.''

He takes her hand and says, ''Secondly, I want you to relax.
Let''s have a nice cup of tea, and then  he said with a deep sigh, .. . . . .



(scroll down)










''Let''s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.''

[Canary_on_the Trent 0]

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

This announcement followed Ferrari''s decision to take advantage of the

British government''s ''Work for your Dole'' scheme and employ some

Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on

how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels

in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari''s

existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds

worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management

team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an

advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew''s first

practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all

four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had

re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases

of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton''s bird in

the shower.

[John 0]

... It''s still Friday (bump).

[I am a Banana 0]

very good (especially like the one about the pub and the sausage)!