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The Butler

And today is FRi......

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Investment tips for 2009

With all the turmoil in the market  and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice.  For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2010:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .


5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.


6. Fairchild Electronic s and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.


7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.


8. Kn otts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!


And finally...

9. Victoria ''s Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang

CAN PEOPLE BE THIS . . . . . . STUPID . . ??
Actual call centre conversations !!!!!



Customer:     "I''ve been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can''t get through to enquiries, can
you help?" .
Operator:     "Where did you get that number from, sir?" .
Customer:     "It was on the door to the Travel Centre" .
Operator:     "Sir, they are our opening hours"


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Samsung Electronics

Caller:          "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator:     "I''m sorry, sir, I don''t understand who you are talking about" .
Caller:          "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax
machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning . Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator:     "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall" .

----------------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services

Caller:          "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"

Operator:    " Doesn''t the product give you a clue?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France )
"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Directory Enquiries
Caller:               "I''d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please" .
Operator:          "I''m sorry, there''s no listing . Is the spelling correct?"
Caller:               "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the ''B'' fell off" .

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven .
Operator:        "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller:             "Yes . That''s what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland
" .
----------------------------------------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven''t got a pen, so I''m steaming up the window to write the number on" .
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support:      "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop" .
Customer:             "OK" .
Tech Support:      "Did you get a pop-up menu?" .
Customer:             "No" .
Tech Support:      "OK . Right-Click again . Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer:             "No" .
Tech Support:      "OK, sir . Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" .
Customer:            "Sure . You told me to write ''click'' and I wrote ''click''" .

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support:          "OK . In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the ''OK'' button displayed?"
Customer:                "Wow . How can you see my screen from there?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller:  "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it .
If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?" .
----------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------
There''s always one . This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time . I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department . . Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause" .
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee . (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller:              "Yes, well, I''m having trouble with WordPerfect . "
Operator:         "What sort of trouble??"
Caller:              "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away . "
Operator:         "Went away?"
Caller:              "They disappeared . "
Operator:         "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller:              "Nothing . "
Operator:         "Nothing??"
Caller:              "It''s blank; it won''t accept anything when I type . "
Operator:         "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller:              "How do I tell?"
Operator:         "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller:              "What''s a sea-prompt?"
Operator:         "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller:              "There isn''t any cursor: I told you, it won''t accept anything I type . "
Operator:         "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller:              "What''s a monitor?"
Operator:         "It''s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV . Does it have a little light that tells you when it''s  on??"
Caller:               "I don''t know . "
Operator:         "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes
 into it . Can you see that??"
Caller:              "Yes, I think so . "
Operator:         "Great . Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it''s plugged into the wall .
 
Caller:              "Yes, it is .. "
Operator:         "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller:              "No . "
Operator:         "Well, there are . I need you to look back there again and find the other cable . "
Caller:              "Okay, here it is . "
Operator:         "Follow it for me, and tell me if it''s plugged securely into the back of your computer . "
Caller:               "I can''t reach . "
Operator:         "Uh huh . Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller:               "No . "
Operator:         "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller:               "Oh, it''s not because I don''t have the right angle - it''s because it''s dark . "
Caller:               "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window .

Operator:         "Well, turn on the office light then . "
Caller:               "I can''t . "
Operator:         "No? Why not??"
Caller:               "Because there''s a power failure . "
Operator:         "A power . . . . . . . . . A power failure? Aha, Okay, we''ve got it licked now .  Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff
your computer came in??"  
Caller:               "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet . "
Operator:         "Good . . Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when
you got it . Then take it back to the store you bought it from . "
Caller:               "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator:         "Yes, I''m afraid it is . "
Caller:               "Well, all right then, I suppose . What do I tell them??"
Operator:         "Tell them you''re too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
********************************************************

 


 

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One weekend an Ipswich fan decided to go bird hunting in Norfolk. The Ipswich fan drove to Norfolk and found a good hunting spot near a farm. The Ipswich fan sees a bird, shoots it and watches fall to the ground on the other side of the barns fence.

The Ipswich fan, thinking to himself that''s my bird I have to go get it, climbs the fence retrieves the bird and climbs back. Just as he gets back over the farmer comes up to him and says, "give me my bird." The Ipswich fan says to him " your bird no no no I shot this bird it is mine."

"No" says the farmer,"it landed on my property it is mine." "Look" says the Ipswich fan, "I am a lawyer, I will sue you , you will lose and I will get the duck." "No" says the farmer, "that''s not how we do it here in Norfolk, we use the three kick rule."

"Ok" says the Ipswich fan, how does that work?" "I kick you three times as hard as I can, than you kick me as hard as you an three time and we keep going until one of us gives up." "Fine" says the Ipswich fan, "let''s go." "I''ll go first" says the famer. So the famer kicks layer as hard as he can in the groin.

And just as Ipswich fan is bent over in pain the famer kicks him right in the face. now just as the Ipswich fan is thinking what did I get myself into the farmer kicks him in the stomach. after the Ipswich fan gets over the agonizing pain he says ok now it''s my turn. No the farmer says, "I quit you can have the duck."

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The teacher asked the class to use the word ''contagious'' in a sentence.

...

Molly put up her hand and said, ''My little brother had chicken pox and the doctor told us that he was contagious.''

...

''And you Sally?''.

...

Sally said,''My family wanted to visit the petting farm but there was an

outbreak of foot-and-mouth, so the farm was closed as it is contagious.''

...

The teacher said, ''very good Sally, anyone else?''... ''Anyone besides for Jonny?''... ''no one?''

...

''OK, Jonny'' says the teacher, ''can you make a sentance using the word contagious?''

...

Johnny said, ''My next door neighbour is painting the outside of his house by hand''

''Very interesting Jonny, but what has that got to do with the word contagious?'' asked the teacher.

''well my dad says that he''s only using a 2 inch brush so it''s gonna take the contagious''

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Upon the death of a farmer in Warwickshire his son was clearing out the loft when he found an old cobblers repair ticket from 1949. On checking the phone book to his amazement the shop was still listed in the local town. Having a sense of fun he took the ticket to the shop. The cobbler went into the back of the shop, returning after 5 minutes to announce "They''ll be ready on Thursday."

American farmer visiting England upon seeing a farmer leaning over his farm gate stopped to enquire the size of the farm. The English farmer pointed out the river, saying that''s the eastern boundary, the line of poplars in the distance, that''s the northern boundary, the lane over there is the western boundary and the road in front of us is the southern. "Gee!" says the American "I can get in my car and drive all day and all night and I still wouldn''t reach the end of my spread back home." "Ah I know what you mean" says the English farmer, "I used to have a car like that but the scrap man took it away."


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Snow White had just finished a roll of film on her camera with pictures of the seven dwarfs she took it to the chemists to get it developed.  A few days later she went to collect it.  The photos were not ready.  A few days later she tried again, still no photos.  The shop assistant said, "Don’t worry, one day your prints will come!"


A termite walks into a pub and asked, " Is the bar tender here?"

A sandwich goes into a pub. Barman, "What do you want?" Sandwich, "A pint of lager, please." Barman replies, "Sorry, we don''t serve food!"

A naked man was walking down the street with a woman on his back. A bloke on the other side of the road asked, "Where are you going?" the naked man replies, "A fancy dress party." "What as?" asked the bemused gentleman. "A tortoise", said the naked man.  "Well, who is she?" said the intrigued gentleman.  "Oh, That''s Michelle."


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Ode to earwigs.

There was a mother earwig

Who spent a lot of time in bed.

She had so many children

She had to name them A to Z

Earwig A was a bonny lass,

Earwig B was sincere

But it is another earwig

that we''re concerned with here.

Footywig they called him

As football was his game,

For though he played at other sports

It was here he earned his fame.

For if you go to a football match

From Edinburgh to St Paul

You''ll hear his name - loud and clear -

When the spectators call

EARWIG-O!! EARWIG-O!! EARWIG-O!!

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One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,

''My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I''d better see a doctor!''

Listen mate; don''t waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.

There''s a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample  and the computer will tell you what''s wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points''.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. 

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

''You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks''.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and ''pleasured himself'' into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin.

The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren''t yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don''t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....

 Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

 

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[quote user="ThetfordCanary"]

Ode to earwigs.

There was a mother earwig

Who spent a lot of time in bed.

She had so many children

She had to name them A to Z

Earwig A was a bonny lass,

Earwig B was sincere

But it is another earwig

that we''re concerned with here.

Footywig they called him

As football was his game,

For though he played at other sports

It was here he earned his fame.

For if you go to a football match

From Edinburgh to St Paul

You''ll hear his name - loud and clear -

When the spectators call

EARWIG-O!! EARWIG-O!! EARWIG-O!!

[/quote]

Corn harvest late Thetford way?

 

He He![:D]

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[quote user="ThetfordCanary"]

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,

''My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I''d better see a doctor!''

Listen mate; don''t waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.

There''s a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample  and the computer will tell you what''s wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points''.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. 

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

''You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks''.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and ''pleasured himself'' into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin.

The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren''t yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don''t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....

 Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

 

[/quote]

No prizes for last weeks jokes

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One morning, years ago, three Scousers and three Manks were in a ticket   counter line at a train station. The three Manks each bought a ticket   and watched as the three Scousers  bought just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of   the Manks.

"Watch and learn," answered one of the Scousers.

All six boarded the train where the three Manks sat down, but the three Scousers crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect   tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please."

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.   The conductor took it and moved on.

The Manks saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single   ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three Scousers didn''t buy even one ticket.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked a perplexed Mank.

"Watch and learn," answered the three Scouse boys in unison.

When they boarded the train, the three Manks crammed themselves into a   toilet and the three Scousers crammed into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Scousers left their toilet  and walked over to the toilet in which the Manks were hiding. The Scouser knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

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Hurrah, it''s Europa Cup week again!

 

 

Brilliant.

 

 

It''s another chance to see Slovenian Cup runners-up Zzyvovivic FC play Updoopdedoop, who finished fifth in the Icelandic League of Homosexual Fisherman.

 

 

The Europa Cup is all new, all-singing, all-dancing and a bit complicated. So here are the ten basic rules you need to know...

 

 

1. Teams from every league in Europe are eligible but leagues based in countries where turnips are the main foodstuff must play three qualifying games.

 

 

2. Any country where sheep, tractors or cigarettes are worshipped as Gods are automatically disqualified, despite protests from the Scottish FA.

 

 

3. Winners of the third round of qualifying losers play the losers of the fourth round of disqualified qualifiers and must wear felt hats.

 

 

4. Losers from the newly-created Disqualified League Of Qualified Disqualifers will be disqualified and forced to play in a new qualification competition for a new League Of Qualification.

 

 

5. The League Of Qualification will be used by UEFA to create a co-efficient to decide the ratio of size of bribe to degree of success for clubs to follow.

 

 

6. The winners then get put into 12 leagues of a dozen teams. Each side plays each other ten times over a period of 13 years.

 

 

7. Two games in each league must be played underwater.

 

 

8. Monkeys on bikes will referee all games.

 

 

9. Away goals no longer count double. Instead they will be multiplied by a random number written on a pair of underpants and drawn out of a velvet bag by Kraftwerk.

 

 

10. The bottom club from each league drops out into a new UEFA League Of Decrepitude where they will have to play Hull City every week until someone dies.

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Stork was a stupid bird, who lived on the edge of the marsh in a jungle clearing. He used to wander into the marsh looking for tasty titbits to eat and frequently got stuck. One day he did just that and thought if I stay here in this sun for too long I’m gonna fry. He saw Monkey on the edge of the marsh and called out to him, “Hey Monkey I’m stuck”. Monkey knew just what to do and went off to find Elephant and told him the situation. Elephant was luckily in a good mood and strolled to the edge of the marsh. Here he unwound his penis - which was as long as a clothes line – and threw it to Stork who caught it in his beak. Elephant then gently walked away and PLOP Stork was freed. Stork thanked Elephant and Monkey.

The next day silly Stork went and did it again and again called out to Monkey to help. Monkey went and found Elephant but he was not in a good mood and said he wasn’t going to help because his todger was still sore from yesterday. Monkey remembered that he’d seen Lion and he had just taken delivery of a brand new Porsche. He wondered if he would help and show off his new car at the same time, so he went and asked. Lion said sure and Monkey jumped in the car and they roared off to the marsh. When they got there Lion threw Stork a rope, which he caught and then pulled the car forward and so Stork was freed again.

The moral of the story is this, If you have a new Porsche you don’t need a cock like an Elephant to pull a bird.

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WOMEN ARE LIKE FOOTBALL PITCHES
 
1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.
2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends.
4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.
5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.
6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
7. Don''t ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previously visited.
8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.
9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.
10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.
11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel.
Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. 
That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground.
13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.
14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.
15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.
16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.
17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces 
which don''t get hosed down as often as they should.
18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.
19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.
20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week.
 21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer 
if you p*ss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead.
22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed to play on the turf.
 23. Don''t forget that if you use your hands in the area you may be penalised.
24. As the spot can be very indistinct on some pitches you may need to ask the pitch owner to help you locate it.
 It is a good idea to re-mark it in white each time you play.
25. If there is a strong wind you need to be careful which end you choose.
26. Use your subs wisely so that you have a hard man on for the climax of the game. You shouldn''t bring him off too soon.
27. It is best not to admit to having played on a plastic pitch.
 

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[quote user="The Butler"]

Investment tips for 2009

With all the turmoil in the market  and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice.  For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

[/quote]A further tip is the the rumoured merger of Cunard and Aer Lingus was just a rumnour and will not be happening.

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More business news...

Tupperware are now branching out into womens underwear, they say it will do nothing for your figure ladies, but it will keep what you have got fresh.

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''CREATIVE PUNS FOR ''EDUCATED MINDS''

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur''s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian

3. Though she was only a whisky maker, he loved her still.

4. A rubber band projectile was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it''ll still be stationery.

6. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in ''Linoleum Blownapart.''

7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

8. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like an apple.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

11. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me!

12. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, ''Keep off the Grass.''

13. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ''No change yet.''

14. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

15. The soldiers who survived mustard gas and pepper spray are now seasoned veterans.

16. A backward poet writes inverse.

17. In democracy, it''s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it''s your count that votes.

18. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

19. Don''t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

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Woman''s Poem/Man''s Poem


A WOMAN''S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who''s not a creep,
One who''s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who''ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he''s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won''t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who''ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to ''how big is my behind?''
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

A MAN''S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me to football and fishing and drinking. This
doesn''t rhyme and I don''t give a toss.

The End

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An old man and his wife arrive at the doctors surgery for the result of a test the hubby had a while back.

The receptionist says to the old fellow:

"The test was inconclusive and so we will need a
Blood test
Urine sample
Semen sample
and a recent stool"

The old bloke, hard of hearing, shouts

"What was that?"

His dear old lady immediately shouts back at him

"Give them your underwear - it will save time"

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They say beer contains female hormones.

I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk rubbish and can''t drive!

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