Todays the day before Saturday so it's

[The Butler 0]

A little girl asked her father: ''How did the human race appear?''

The father answered, ''God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'' 
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.   
The mother answered, 
''Many years ago there were monkeys from 
which the human race evolved.'' 
The confused girl returned to her father and said, 
''Dad, how is it possible that you told me the 
human race was created by God, 
and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'' 
The father answered, 
''Well, Dear, it is very simple. 
I told you about my side of the family, 
and your mother told you about hers.''

 

IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY(from a Dublin friend)
 
 
 * Artery; The study of paintings.
 
* Bacteria; Back door to cafeteria.
 * Barium; What doctors do when patients die
 * Benign; What you be, after you be eight
 * Caesarean Section; A neighbourhood in Rome

* Catscan; Searching for Kitty.
* Cauterize; Made eye contact with her.
 * Colic; A sheep dog.
* Coma; A punctuation mark.
* Dilate; To live long.

 * Enema; Not a friend.
* Fester; Quicker than someone else.
* Fibula; A small lie.
 * Impotent; Distinguished, well known.
* Labour Pain; Getting hurt at work.
 * Medical Staff; A Doctor''s cane.
* Morbid; A higher offer.
* Nitrates; Cheaper than day rates.
* Node; I knew it.
* Outpatient; A person who has fainted.
 * Pelvis; Second cousin to Elvis.
* Post Operative; A letter carrier.
 * Recovery Room; Place to do upholstery.
* Rectum; Nearly killed him.
* Secretion; Hiding something.
* Seizure; Roman emperor.
* Tablet; A small table.

 * Terminal Illness; Getting sick at the airport.
 * Tumour; One plus one more.
 * Urine; Opposite of you''re out.
 * 2xCondoms; To be sure, to be sure

Enjoy[:D]

[SNAP 0]

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

[Beauseant 0]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I''m not bein too forward, I''d luv to ''ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could ''ave a lorra fun. So they went back to her place and got comfortable After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I''m shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand". Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You''ll have to......." "I know Sean. Yer want me to ''old onto yer bat ''n balls again.  No problem hun". Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it''s all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis ''oldin  yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?" Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet !"

[Duffman 0]

A young man called peter invited his mother for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn''t help but notice how handsome Peter''s flatmate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between peter and his flatmate than met the eye.Reading his mum''s thoughts, peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but i assure you, Simon & i are just flatmates.About a week later, Simon came to peter saying, "ever since your mother came to dinner, I''ve been unable to find the frying pan, you don''t suppose she took it do you?" "well, i doubt it, but I''ll e-mail her just to be sure," said peter, so he sat down and wrote:Dear mother, I''m not saying that you "did" take the frying pan from my house, I''m not saying that you "did not" take the frying pan, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.LovePeterSeveral days later, peter received an e-mail from his mother which read:Dear son,I''m not saying that you "do" sleep with Simon, and I''m not saying that you "do not" sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now.Love mum

[Wings of a Sparrow 1,708]

Deer  Meat 
   

                                                          
A man  kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and  his wife decide that they won''t tell the kids what kind of meat
it  is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were  eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their  dad for the clue.

Well, he said, ''It''s what mommy calls me  sometimes''.

The little girl screams to her brother
''Don''t eat  it, it''s an asshole...

[Duffman 0]

A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What''s the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father ponders for a moment and then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you learned.So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied,"Definitely, I wouldn''t pass an opportunity like that."The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, Iwould just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father. His father asked him "Did you find the differencebetween potentially and realistically?"The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we''re sitting on 2 million quid, but realistically we''re living with two slappers.The father replied, "That''s my boy."

[First Wazzock 1,010]

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time.  Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex was.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good til the last drop”.  Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent a card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges".   Mum now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean.  Mum waited for a week, nothing.  Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.  Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways". Mum took out her latest Harper''s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways”.

[First Wazzock 1,010]

Read in an Australian accent 

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Wally and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her. 
'' Ken ya swaller?'' asked Wally

The woman signalled ''No!'' desperately shaking her head.

'' Ken ya breathe?'' asked Brian. The woman shook her head ''No!!!''
With that, Wally walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the back of her bottom.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. Wally swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
 
Brian said in admiration ''Ya know Wally , I''d heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that''s the first time I ever seen somebody do it!

[ron obvious 1,711]

Little Johnny was looking thoughtful, so his mum asked him if there was anything wrong."I''m just a bit worried about Helga" (the aupair)."Oh, why''s that?""it''s just.. is she a robot, or something""Of course not!" (laughs) "What on Earth made you say that?""I mean, does she come to bits?""No! Don''t be ridiculous!""Well ... why did I hear daddy tell uncle Jim he screwed the arse off her the other night?? ..........."

[Aviva Believer 0]

A bloke goes to see his doctor.

''Everytime I see a lorry go past, I get an erection!'' exclaims the man.

Sure enough, at that moment a massive eight wheeler zooms past and up pops the blokes manhood.

''My word'' shrieks the doc, ''this defies all medical science''.

The doc gets his nurse to take a sample of blood and tells him to come back in a few days.

A few days past and the man goes back to the surgery.

''Give it to me straight doc...what''s up with me?''

''Well it''s bad news I''m affraid Sir'', the doc sighs....

''You''re HGV positive''

[ThetfordCanary 0]

Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
''Miss Beatrice'', he said,
''I wonder if you would tell me about this?''
Pointing to the bowl.
''Oh, yes,'' she replied, ''Isn''t it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven''t had the flu All winter.''

[ThetfordCanary 0]

A young couple had a secret code for having sex.  If they felt like it they mentioned washing machine.  One night the young man was feeling amorous and asked his wife if she fancied doing some laundry.  No thanks she said I''ve had a hard day at work and am really tired.   Some hours later however she thought to herself that it wasnt fair on her hubby so she woke him up and said to him that she had reconsidered and did fancy using the washing machine after all.  Its all right he said it was only a small load so I did it by hand.

[InLambertWeTrust! 0]

I love fridays [Y]

Some hilarious stuff there guys

[Wings of a Sparrow 1,708]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it''s half past three in the morning. "I''m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren''t you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn''t take the home-owner long to realise the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It''s half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn''t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man''s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he''d told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn''t matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he
shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I''m over here, on your swing."

[I am a Banana 0]

[quote user="Wings of a sparrow"]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it''s half past three in the morning. "I''m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren''t you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn''t take the home-owner long to realise the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It''s half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn''t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man''s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he''d told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn''t matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he
shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I''m over here, on your swing."

[/quote]

i either don''t get it or its just nto funny!

[Wings of a Sparrow 1,708]

For joke to work you assume drunk man is having car trouble and needs a push.

Turns out he''s on their swing...............

Maybe it''s not funny but it amused me!

 

[John 0]

[quote user="I am a Banana"][quote user="Wings of a sparrow"]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it''s half past three in the morning. "I''m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren''t you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn''t take the home-owner long to realise the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It''s half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn''t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man''s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he''d told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband."It doesn''t matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere heshouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I''m over here, on your swing."

[/quote]

i either don''t get it or its just nto funny!

[/quote]You don''t get a lot of things Banana. Don''t be surprised if you haven''t got this one on this occasion (we most certainly won''t).Personally i found it funny myself, brought on some giggles. [:D]Overall it''s not quite as good as usual today though (but then again they''ve all been brilliant so far, and there are only so many jokes to tell).[;)]

[ryan1992 0]

[quote user="Duffman"]A young man called peter invited his mother for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn''t help but notice how handsome Peter''s flatmate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between peter and his flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his mum''s thoughts, peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but i assure you, Simon & i are just flatmates.

About a week later, Simon came to peter saying, "ever since your mother came to dinner, I''ve been unable to find the frying pan, you don''t suppose she took it do you?" "well, i doubt it, but I''ll e-mail her just to be sure," said peter, so he sat down and wrote:

Dear mother, I''m not saying that you "did" take the frying pan from my house, I''m not saying that you "did not" take the frying pan, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love
Peter

Several days later, peter received an e-mail from his mother which read:

Dear son,

I''m not saying that you "do" sleep with Simon, and I''m not saying that you "do not" sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now.

Love mum

[/quote]

quality!

[InLambertWeTrust! 0]

[quote user="Big Bad John"][quote user="I am a Banana"][quote user="Wings of a sparrow"]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it''s half past three in the morning. "I''m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren''t you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn''t take the home-owner long to realise the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It''s half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn''t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man''s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he''d told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband."It doesn''t matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere heshouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I''m over here, on your swing."

[/quote]

i either don''t get it or its just nto funny!

[/quote]You don''t get a lot of things Banana. Don''t be surprised if you haven''t got this one on this occasion (we most certainly won''t).Personally i found it funny myself, brought on some giggles. [:D]Overall it''s not quite as good as usual today though (but then again they''ve all been brilliant so far, and there are only so many jokes to tell).[;)][/quote]I get it![:D]

[Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man 4,614]

My mates called me stingy so I decided to buy them a beer.

Turns out they wanted one each.---My wife accused me of being self-important.

I nearly fell off my throne.---A motorist stopped at a country ford and asked an Irishman sitting

nearby how deep the water was. "A couple of inches." replied the

Irishman.

So the motorist drove into the ford and his car promptly disappeared beneath the surface in a cauldron of bubbles.

"That''s odd" thought the Irishman. "The water only goes halfway up on them ducks."---If God didn''t want us to masturbate he would have made our arms shorter.

Maybe that''s why the T-rex was always so angry

[BroadstairsR 0]

A nun walks into Mother Superior''s office and plonks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior.

"I thought this was the day you spent with your family?"

"It was came," the reply "And I went to play golf with my brother. You know that I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ?"

"I seem to recall that" said the Mother Superior. "So I take it your day off was not relaxing?"

"Far from it. " snorted the Sister. "You know, I even swore today."

"Goodness," said the MS, "you must tell me about it."

"Well, we were on the 5th tee, a monster 540 yard par five. I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it flies straight and true along the line I wanted ... then, it hits a bird."

"That''s not when you swore?" asked Mother Superior.

"No that''s not it admitted," the Sister. "While I was still trying to work out what happened, a squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs the ball and runs down the fairway."

"Oh! That would make me swear said the Mother Superior.

"But I didn''t" replied the Sister, "Because just then a hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel."

"So thats when you cursed?" said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn''t it either," cried the Sister anguished. "Because as the hawk started to fly off, the squirrel started struggling and the hawk dropped him on the 5th. green."

"The ball rolled out of the squirrel''s paws and landed 18 inches from the cup." I thought it was a sign from God.

"I get it," said the Mother Supperior, with a baleful smile.

"You missed the fucking putt, didn''t you?"

[Graham Humphrey 13]

2 TV aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony was boring but the reception was great.

[Graham Humphrey 13]

A blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar. He announces loudly "Hey guys, I''ve got this great blond joke that you''ve got to hear". Silence.

The barman leans forward and says "Before you tell this joke

I should let you know something. I''m blond. The two builders sitting

next to you are blond. The guy playing darts is blond - and a judo

expert I might add. And the national female body building champion at

the table in the corner is blond. Now, let me ask you. Do you really

want to tell this joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second and says "No. Not if I''m going to have to explain it five times."

[Scooby 0]

Aahhhh Butler, and you thought you''d catch me out by not putting Friday in the title.  Shame on you.[:D]