It must be Friday

[The Butler 0]

If Tommy Cooper were alive today 

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ''That''s Aboriginal.''
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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ''Tenpin?'' I said, ''No, permanent.''
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, ''Can I buy a goldfish?'' The guy said, ''Do you want an aquarium?'' I said, ''I don''t care what star sign it is.''
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
''Best before End''
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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ''Analogue.'' I said ''No, just a watch.''
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I went into a shop and I said, ''Can someone sell me a kettle.'' The bloke said ''Kenwood'' I said, ''Where is he then?''
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He''s bi-satchel.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him ''I''m frightened of lapels.'' He said, ''You''ve got cholera.''
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can''t remember his name, its P something T something R.
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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn''t put it down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and
on.
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The recruitment consultant asked me ''What do you think of voluntary work? I said ''I wouldn''t do it if you paid me.''
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, ''You don''t need a tin opener to peel a banana.'' He said, ''No, this is for the custard.''
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ''I want you to trace someone for me..''
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I told my mum that I''d opened a theatre. She said, ''Are you having me on?'' I said, ''Well I''ll give you an audition, but I''m not promising you anything.''
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them ''Can I have a skip outside my house?'' He said, ''I''m not stopping you!''
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This cowboy
walks in to a German car showroom and he says ''Audi!''
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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, ''Nearest the bull goes first'' He went ''Baah'' and I went ''Moo'' He said ''You''re closest''
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I''d been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I''d been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said ''I careered off the road''
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It''s tiny: you couldn''t swing a cat in there..
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
counts.
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I bought a train ticket to  France  and the ticket seller said ''Eurostar'' I said ''Well I''ve been on telly but I''m no Dean Martin.
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can''t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.''
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I went to the local video shop and I said, ''Can I borrow Batman Forever?'' He said, ''No, you''ll have to bring it back
tomorrow''
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A waiter asks a man, ''May I take your order, sir?'' ''Yes,'' the man replies. ''I''m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?'' ''Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they''re going to die.''

I hope you did the voice as well!!

[Metatron 0]

Very good, but worth pointing out that most of those are Tim Vine jokes, not Tommy Cooper.

As is this:

"Now, most dentist''s chairs go up and down, don''t they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ''This is unusual''.

And the dentist said to me ''Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet"

[Nuff Said 5,964]

Tommy Cooper was a genius, a genuine one-off!I think the nearest we have today is Milton Jones.

[Romantic 0]

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ''Analogue.'' I said ''No, just a watch.''Darned funny!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6xaj2fC1jI&feature=related

[Wings of a Sparrow 1,708]

As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment. 

For example, my internist referred me to a female urologist.  I saw her yesterday and she is absolutely gorgeous.  She''s beautiful and unbelievably sexy.
 
She told me that I have to stop masturbating. 

I asked her why and she said,

"Because I''m trying to examine you..."

[First Wazzock 1,014]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the local fair every year, and every year Morris would say, ''Esther, I''d like to ride in that helicopter.''

Esther always replied, ''I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty pounds, and fifty pounds is fifty pounds''

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, ''Esther, I''m 85 years old.  If I don''t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.''

To this, Esther replied, ''Morris that helicopter ride is fifty pounds, and fifty pounds is fifty pounds.''

The pilot overheard the couple and said, ''Folks I''ll make you a deal.  I''ll take the both of you for a ride.  If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don''t say a word I won''t charge you a penny!  But if you say one word it''s fifty pounds.''

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.  The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.  He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.  When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, ''By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn''t.  I''m impressed!''

Morris replied, ''Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, But you know, Fifty pounds is fifty pounds!''

[First Wazzock 1,014]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.  When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna''s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ''Edna, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is you''re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love...  I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he''s dead.''

Edna replied, ''He didn''t hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?''

[Wings of a Sparrow 1,708]

A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end herlife by throwing herself into the Mersey. She went down to the docksand was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome youngsailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, ''Look,you have so much to live for.'' ''I''m off to America in the morning, andif you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I''ll take good care of youand bring you food every day.''

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, ''I''ll keep you happy, and you''ll keep me happy.'' The girl nodded ''Yes'', after all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. Fromthen on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

''What are you doing here?'' the captain asked.

''I have an arrangement with one of the sailors'', she explained.
''I get food and a trip to America, and he''s screwing me.''

''He certainly is'', the captain said. ''This is the Birkenhead Ferry.''

[B-ru 0]

Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:

Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.

 

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

 

Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.

 

Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.

 

Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

 

Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

 

Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.

 

Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.

 

Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

 

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

 

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.

 

Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.

 

Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.

 

Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts

 

Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.

 

ALZHEIMER''S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.

 

Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.

 

Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

 

German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

 

Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.

 

Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."

 

Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.

 

Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.

 

Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"

 

Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.

[Graham Humphrey 13]

A sandwich walks into a pub and asks the barman "Can I have a beer please?". The barman says "Sorry mate, we don''t serve food."

[DOGGER 0]

Here''s a well known fact I learnt a long time ago now…
Man stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to get knocked up

[DOGGER 0]

Q: Why did the golf player take an extra pair of pants when he went out on the golf course?

A: In case he got a hole in one.

[DOGGER 0]

David Blaine is struggling to come to terms with the disappointment at being told that his 44 days spent in a box doing nothing were in vain. His attempt was nowhere near the four-year record currently held by Emile Heskey.

[Scooby 0]

[quote user="Metatron"]Very good, but worth pointing out that most of those are Tim Vine jokes, not Tommy Cooper. As is this: "Now, most dentist''s chairs go up and down, don''t they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ''This is unusual''. And the dentist said to me ''Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet"[/quote]

Oh dear oh dear oh dear, and i don''t mean your joke.

As for you Butler..... had me in tears, as did the great man.  Priceless!!!!

[The Butler 0]

[quote user="Scooby"]

[quote user="Metatron"]Very good, but worth pointing out that most of those are Tim Vine jokes, not Tommy Cooper. As is this: "Now, most dentist''s chairs go up and down, don''t they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ''This is unusual''. And the dentist said to me ''Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet"[/quote]

Oh dear oh dear oh dear, and i don''t mean your joke.

As for you Butler..... had me in tears, as did the great man.  Priceless!!!!

[/quote]

Thanks, I''m begining to think Friday is dedicated to you[:D]

[TIL 1010 5,246]

Breaking news from the Sky Sports Centre this evening....................Ryan Giggs has just scored to put United 5-3 ahead.

[TIL 1010 5,246]

The two lesbians that live next door have just bought me a Rolex for my birthday.I think they misheard me the other day when i told them i would love to watch as my birthday treat.

[improper fraction 0]

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn''t go
back down except to leave the place, never to return.
 
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor: The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that''s better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what''s further up?" So up they went.

Second floor: The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what''s further up?"

Third floor: This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor: This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went. 

Fifth floor: The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f***ing impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."

 

 

[Scooby 0]

[quote user="kentish lass"]

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn''t go
back down except to leave the place, never to return.
 
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor: The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that''s better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what''s further up?" So up they went.

Second floor: The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what''s further up?"

Third floor: This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor: This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went. 

Fifth floor: The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f***ing impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."

 

 

[/quote]

YEAH!!  But my Mrs would have insisted that they build her a luxury Penthouse apartment on that empty floor and she wouldn''t have spoken to them until she had it !!

[Scooby 0]

[quote user="The Butler"][quote user="Scooby"]

[quote user="Metatron"]Very good, but worth pointing out that most of those are Tim Vine jokes, not Tommy Cooper. As is this: "Now, most dentist''s chairs go up and down, don''t they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ''This is unusual''. And the dentist said to me ''Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet"[/quote]

Oh dear oh dear oh dear, and i don''t mean your joke.

As for you Butler..... had me in tears, as did the great man.  Priceless!!!!

[/quote]

Thanks, I''m begining to think Friday is dedicated to you[:D]

[/quote]

Awww, thanks Butler[:$][:D]

[norfolkbroadslim 225]

Mary bought a new bike,

It''s seat was back to front,

Every time she rode it hard,

The seat went up her [:$]

[Bigmarkcanary 0]

TOP 20 HOMEWORK BLUNDERS:

1) ON SCHOOL REPORTS: My teacher said I was very epidemically bright. I was prowed!

2) ON ART CLASSES: Today I painted an octopuss with big eyes and eight purple testicles.

3) IN HIS OWN STORY: Time seemed to be standing still. Nothing was happening and I was getting scarred. I looked again at my cock. It hadn''t moved since I last looked at it.

4) ON THE CHOIR: In last year''s Christmas concert, Linzie played the main prat. I played one of the smaller prats and I would like to have a bigger prat this year.

5) ON GEOGRAPHY: In Scandinavia, the Danish people come from Denmark, the Norweigans come from Norway and the Lapdancers come from Lapland.

6) ON CHARITY WORK: I feel sorry for the people in Africa. They are staring to death. They only get a little groin to eat. I wouldn''t like to eat groin.

7) ON MATHS: The total is when you add up all the numbers and a remainder is an animal that pulls Santa on his Sleigh.

8) ON AUTOMOBILES: Helicopters are cleverer than planes . Not only can they fly through the air, they can also hoover.

9) ON HISTORY: Sir Walter Raleigh circumcised the world with a big clipper.

10) ON THE 1930''S: If you had no money in the 1930s, you could get some by going to a porn shop. The man at the porn shop had three balls hanging over his entrance.

11) ON WORLD WAR TWO: Sometimes in the war they take prisners and keep them ostridges until the war is over. Some prisoners end up in consterpation camps.

12) ON ANCIENT HISTORY: In a field near my house, they think they have found the remains of a roman fart.

13) ON THE HOLIDAYS: When it gets near Christmas, I get choclat penis. I get one every morning.

14) A PRAYER: Dear God, My wish is that there would be pis all over the world. Make the wars end and let people live in pis all their lives.

15) ON ILLNESS: I went to see the doctor because I have awful crap. I woke up with crap all down my leg yesterday and I cuddent put my foot down.

16.) ON HOBBIES: My hobby is insest. I learnt about all kinds of insest from a book I bort at a bring and buy sale. I speshly like aunts.

17.) ON NUCLEAR ANXIETY: My dad talked about weapons of mass destruction while eating dinner. I''m worried about this. I don''t want to get bumbed.

18) WHAT WE DID AT THE WEEKEND: This wikend we went shopping. I got some new shoes and mummy got a new pair of tits.

19) WHEN I GROW UP: I would like to have lots of babys when I am a grown-up. My mummy says I need to wait until I''m older but Tina across the raod has lots of babys and she isn''t grown up. She also has lots of husbends.

20) BEDTIME: It is verry noisy for me at night because we live above a pube.