Re: Another Friday

[Hog 0]

Excellent stuff, the middle one esp!

[First Wazzock 902]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, ''I can''t help but think, from listening to you, that you''re from Ireland .''

The other guy responds proudly, ''Yes, that I am!''

The first guy says, ''So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be''?

The other guy answers, ''I''m from Dublin, I am.''

The first guy responds, ''So am I!''

‘Sure and begorra’. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?

The other guy says, ''A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.''

The first guy says, ''Faith and it''s a small world. So did I! So did I!

And to what school would you have been going''?

The other guy answers, ''Well now, I went to St. Mary''s, of course.''

The first guy gets really excited and says, ''And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate''?

The other guy answers, ''Well, now, let''s see. I graduated in 1964.''

The first guy exclaims, ''The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary''s in 1964 my own self!''

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ''It''s going to be a long night tonight.''

Vicky asks, ''Why do you say that, Brian''?

''The Murphy twins are pi**ed again.''

[First Wazzock 902]

They say the happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat and

the day you sell it!!  Well, here''s a good BOAT story!!

 

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated

Boat , and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat

to a group of out-of-towners who sank it.

 

Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could,

and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

 

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John''s wife died suddenly.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up

a few things at the grocery.

 

A kind old neighbour woman mistook him for John and said:

"I''m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

 

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said:  "Hell no! 

Fact is I''m sort of glad to be rid of her.  She was a rotten old thing from

the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish.  She was always holding water.  She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time.  I warned them that she wasn''t very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"

The old woman fainted.

 

[First Wazzock 902]

 A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female  teachers, went on

 a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls

would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.  

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men''s toilet when one

of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

 

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and

began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow

away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn''t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, ''You must be in year four.''

''No, madam,'' he replied. ''I''m riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.''

[Scooby 0]

Oh how I love Fridays!

Ok guys, not a joke but a conundrum.  See if you can work out a solution before reading mine in the next post.

Can you complete a sentence using the word "and", five times in a row? (And no, it can''t be someones name before some smart arse says it[;)])

[First Wazzock 902]

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.
When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home
from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand.
With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the
telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and
went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure
was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room
I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running
over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink
was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,
I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.


My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I
had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

[Scooby 0]

[quote user="Scooby"]

Oh how I love Fridays!

Ok guys, not a joke but a conundrum.  See if you can work out a solution before reading mine in the next post.

Can you complete a sentence using the word "and", five times in a row? (And no, it can''t be someones name before some smart arse says it[;)])

[/quote]

The answer, in the form of a little story.

The landlord of a little country pub called The Pig and Whistle arrived home one day and looked up at his pub sign which was looking a little dilapidated.  Time for a lick of paint he thought and went inside to phone Mick, the local painter and decorator.  The next day Mick arrived to do the job and the landlord popped out to the cash and carry and left him to it.  On his return a couple of hours later Mick was at the top of the ladder just finishing the name, painted very neatly accross the front of the pub.  It read PIGANDWHISTLE.  The landlord obviously went nuts.

"Mick what have you done" he cried, "There are no spaces!  You have to have a space between Pig and and, And and and Whistle!!"

TA DA!

[macdougalls perm 0]

[quote user="Scooby"][quote user="Scooby"]

Oh how I love Fridays!

Ok guys, not a joke but a conundrum.  See if you can work out a solution before reading mine in the next post.

Can you complete a sentence using the word "and", five times in a row? (And no, it can''t be someones name before some smart arse says it[;)])

[/quote]

The answer, in the form of a little story.

The landlord of a little country pub called The Pig and Whistle arrived home one day and looked up at his pub sign which was looking a little dilapidated.  Time for a lick of paint he thought and went inside to phone Mick, the local painter and decorator.  The next day Mick arrived to do the job and the landlord popped out to the cash and carry and left him to it.  On his return a couple of hours later Mick was at the top of the ladder just finishing the name, painted very neatly accross the front of the pub.  It read PIGANDWHISTLE.  The landlord obviously went nuts.

"Mick what have you done" he cried, "There are no spaces!  You have to have a space between Pig and and, And and and Whistle!!"

TA DA!

[/quote]

Very good [:)]

[CatNcfc 0]

Two fish in a tank. 

One says to the other ''You sure you know how to drive this thing?''

(sorry [:)] )

[B-ru 0]

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow''s ear. The farmer didn''t think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

[B-ru 0]

For those that haven''t seen this....

http://www.pinkun.com/cs_pinkun/cs/forums/1840931/ShowPost.aspx

 

[YankeeCanary 0]

[quote user="ThetfordCanary"]A guy dies and goes to heaven where he meets St Peter at the gate.  He notices that either side of the gates is a wall which goes on into infinity and on the wall are millions of clocks.  What are those he asks.  Every one in the world has a clock, says St Peter, it starts at 12 O''clock and moves on one minute for every lie that is told.   Oh says the man so who does that belong to, pointing to a clock at 12O''clock.  That was mother Teresa, she never told a lie in her life.  Pointing to a clock at 2 minutes past he said that belongs to Abraham Lincoln, he only told two lies.   That one over there, pointing to a clock at five minutes past, belongs to President Obama, as you can see he has been a honest politician.  In that case said the man where is Gordon Brown''s clock.  Oh thats in Gods office he uses it as a ceiling fan!!!![/quote]

This must be the European version of the joke because, in America, this is the portion that gets the biggest laugh.

[blahblahblah 2]

[quote user="YankeeCanary"]

[quote user="ThetfordCanary"]A guy dies and goes to heaven where he meets St Peter at the gate.  He notices that either side of the gates is a wall which goes on into infinity and on the wall are millions of clocks.  What are those he asks.  Every one in the world has a clock, says St Peter, it starts at 12 O''clock and moves on one minute for every lie that is told.   Oh says the man so who does that belong to, pointing to a clock at 12O''clock.  That was mother Teresa, she never told a lie in her life.  Pointing to a clock at 2 minutes past he said that belongs to Abraham Lincoln, he only told two lies.   That one over there, pointing to a clock at five minutes past, belongs to President Obama, as you can see he has been a honest politician.  In that case said the man where is Gordon Brown''s clock.  Oh thats in Gods office he uses it as a ceiling fan!!!![/quote]

This must be the European version of the joke because, in America, this is the portion that gets the biggest laugh.

[/quote]Hmm, I smell rifle cartridges.  Are you a republican perchance ?

[First Jedi 0]

"Hmm, I smell rifle cartridges. Are you a republican perchance ?"

For some reason my brain read "republican" as "replicant"... :)

[Beauseant 0]

[quote user="YankeeCanary"]

[quote user="ThetfordCanary"]A guy dies and goes to heaven where he meets St Peter at the gate.  He notices that either side of the gates is a wall which goes on into infinity and on the wall are millions of clocks.  What are those he asks.  Every one in the world has a clock, says St Peter, it starts at 12 O''clock and moves on one minute for every lie that is told.   Oh says the man so who does that belong to, pointing to a clock at 12O''clock.  That was mother Teresa, she never told a lie in her life.  Pointing to a clock at 2 minutes past he said that belongs to Abraham Lincoln, he only told two lies.   That one over there, pointing to a clock at five minutes past, belongs to President Obama, as you can see he has been a honest politician.  In that case said the man where is Gordon Brown''s clock.  Oh thats in Gods office he uses it as a ceiling fan!!!![/quote]

This must be the European version of the joke because, in America, this is the portion that gets the biggest laugh.

[/quote]

Presumably the hands on Bush''s have melted due to friction......

[macdougalls perm 0]

[quote user="Beauseant"][quote user="YankeeCanary"]

[quote user="ThetfordCanary"]A guy dies and goes to heaven where he meets St Peter at the gate.  He notices that either side of the gates is a wall which goes on into infinity and on the wall are millions of clocks.  What are those he asks.  Every one in the world has a clock, says St Peter, it starts at 12 O''clock and moves on one minute for every lie that is told.   Oh says the man so who does that belong to, pointing to a clock at 12O''clock.  That was mother Teresa, she never told a lie in her life.  Pointing to a clock at 2 minutes past he said that belongs to Abraham Lincoln, he only told two lies.   That one over there, pointing to a clock at five minutes past, belongs to President Obama, as you can see he has been a honest politician.  In that case said the man where is Gordon Brown''s clock.  Oh thats in Gods office he uses it as a ceiling fan!!!![/quote]

This must be the European version of the joke because, in America, this is the portion that gets the biggest laugh.

[/quote]

Presumably the hands on Bush''s have melted due to friction......

[/quote]

Surely his would be digital?! Can be very confusing all of that ''big hand, little hand stuff'' [:D] 

[B-ru 0]

might just be easier to have a sundial, save on batteries!!

[Chabal 0]

[quote user="Scooby"][quote user="Scooby"]

Oh how I love Fridays!

Ok guys, not a joke but a conundrum.  See if you can work out a solution before reading mine in the next post.

Can you complete a sentence using the word "and", five times in a row? (And no, it can''t be someones name before some smart arse says it[;)])

[/quote]

The answer, in the form of a little story.

The landlord of a little country pub called The Pig and Whistle arrived home one day and looked up at his pub sign which was looking a little dilapidated.  Time for a lick of paint he thought and went inside to phone Mick, the local painter and decorator.  The next day Mick arrived to do the job and the landlord popped out to the cash and carry and left him to it.  On his return a couple of hours later Mick was at the top of the ladder just finishing the name, painted very neatly accross the front of the pub.  It read PIGANDWHISTLE.  The landlord obviously went nuts.

"Mick what have you done" he cried, "There are no spaces!  You have to have a space between Pig and and, And and and Whistle!!"

TA DA!

[/quote]

 

Very good, how about a sentence containing the word ''had'' 11 times consecutively?

Smith and Jones were taking an exam on English language in which there was a question ‘There was a boy who had previously had a cold. Which sentence is correct about the boy?
''The boy had a cold''   OR
The boy had had a cold’

Smith, where Jones had had had, had had had had. Had had, had had the examiner’s approval.

 

[I am a Banana 0]

[quote user="CatNcfc"]

Two fish in a tank. 

One says to the other ''You sure you know how to drive this thing?''

(sorry [:)] )

[/quote]

ha ha

makes me laugh every time!