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Carrow Road to be used for GM Crop testing

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I saw an email on my bosses computer which he had left open when he went off for his usual two-hour lunch. It may not come as too much of a surprise to those who know just how desperate the City board are these days, but I was shocked to learn that the hallowed turf of Carrow Road is to be dug up during the close season and the land is going to be used for GM (Genetically-Modified) crop trials.

At first I couldn''t believe what I was reading but on second thoughts it makes sense. Apparently the undersoil heating will speed up the growth rates so that the pitch can be turned back to grass in time for the new season kickoff.

The enclosed nature of the stadium prevents wind from blowing away rogue DNA or whatever it is, and the way that the pitch is marked out into symmetrical halves allows the experimenters to grow control crops at the same time.

According to the memo I read, most of the playing surface (that is, outside the penalty area) is going to be planted with a fast-growing malting barley (L. Hordeum vulgare, I kid you not), where they have modified the gentic structure to prevent beer drinkers from getting a morning after hangover. Not a bad idea to have a cure for the hangover we''re all feeling at the moment, I suggest!

The penalty area is to be planted with L. Phaseolus vulgaris (again~), also known as the humble haricot bean. It is thought that th goal netting has to be maintained during the close season to allow the beans to trail upwards through the netting an create a kind of goal-mouth canopy which is the best kind of environment for this particular type of bean. The haricot is of-course the main ingredient in baked-beans, and the DNA of the bean is being modified to remove the gaseous-making properties of this product, in the belief that the humble baked-bean might become seen as more of a upmarket product rather than student fodder if the flatulent-inducing elements can be eliminated.

More information can be found at:


I''ve been in two minds about posting on this site because there is the big danger of the green-welly brigade discovering that GM trials are taking place in the middle of our fine city, but apparently the fact that it is taking place behind the locked doors of the stadium is seen as a major deterrent to any would-be trouble makers.

To be honest, I think they would be better off trying to develop a better kind of cabbage up at Colney than this sort of stuff, but then I suppose whoever is in charge of the footballing side of things next season will have their own sort of cabbages to worry about.

Oh yes, and one final thing to take note of for all the amateur accountants out there on the pinkun board. ND is planning to describe the funds Norwich are receiving from the GM crop trials as ''on-field investment'' because strictly speaking it is. However, I''ve learned from someone close up that it is because ND is hopping mad about all the financial speculation and analysis that goes on here, that he wants to put a spike in all those fag-packet calculations. Watch-out for the small print in the next set of accounts, is my riposte.

One suspects that the 1st Earl of Leicester will be a''troshing in grave at just how far our mighty club has fallen.

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I''m sorry but this is daft.

Who ever has heard of any constructive on field management at Carrow road in the last 4 years.

Crop rotation needs tactical substitutions.

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