Another little cheerer

[The Butler 0]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It''s important to have a woman, who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It''s important to have a woman, who can make you
laugh.

3. It''s important to have a woman, who you can trust
and who doesn''t lie to you.

4. It''s important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.

 

 

 

5. It''s very, very important that these four women
do not know each other !!!

[First Wazzock 1,011]

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time.  Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good til the last drop”.  Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent a card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges".   Mum now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean.  Mum waited for a week, nothing.  Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.  Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways". Mum took out her latest Harper''s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways”.

[Beauseant 0]

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
  There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
   
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
*********
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
*********

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

" Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
*********
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

*********
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

*********
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

[The Butler 0]

Maria had just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was

still a virgin.

 

On her wedding night, she stayed at her mother''s house, and was very

nervous.

 

Her mother reassured her:

"Don''t worry Maria, Tony''s a good man.

 

Go upstairs and he''ll take care of you.

Meanwhile, I''ll be making pasta."

 

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and

exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,

"Mama, Mama, Tony''s got a big hairy chest."

 

"Don''t worry, Maria," says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests.

Go upstairs. He''ll take good care of you."

 

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his

pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her

mother, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he''s got hairy legs!"

 

"Don''t worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony''s a good man.

 

  Go upstairs and he''ll take good care of you."

 

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and

on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran

downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony''s got a foot and a half!"

 

Her Mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta."

[Beauseant 0]

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.  So
she put an ad in the local newspaper that read:


   WANTED:  HUSBAND!


   MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70''s),


   MUST NOT BEAT ME.


   MUST NOT RUN AROUND AFTER ME,


   AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!


   ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

   On the second day she heard the doorbell.  Much to her dismay, she opened
the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair.  He had no
arms or legs.

   ''You''re not really asking me to consider you, are you?''  the widow said.
''Just look at you - you have no legs!''

   The old gentleman smiled, '' Therefore, I cannot run around after you!''

   ''You don''t have any arms either!'' she snorted.

   Again, the old man smiled, ''Therefore, I can never beat you!''

   She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ''Are you still good in bed??''

   The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, ''I rang the
doorbell, didn''t I?''

   The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.

[First Wazzock 1,011]

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

 

"What''s the matter?" he asks.

 

"I have a case of anal glaucoma,” she says in a weak voice.

 

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

 

"I can''t see my ass coming into work today.

[The Butler 0]

When do we take this show on the road then?

All profits to the NCFC redundant supporters charity!!

[TIL 1010 5,246]

[quote user="Beauseant"]

 For the attention of Mrs Kathy Blake.........

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
  There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
   
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
*********
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
*********

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

" Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
*********
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

*********
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

*********
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

[/quote]

 

[Dr. Ink 0]

Snow white, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo are sitting in a pub with their mates.
Snow white says "There''s no doubt about it, I''m the fairest in the land"
Tom thumb says "There''s no doubt about it, I''m the smallest in the land"
Quasimodo says "There''s no doubt about it, I''m the ugliest in the land"

Their mates tell them to prove it by going to the magic all-knowing mirror, and the three head off.
A few minutes later, the door of the pub bursts open and Snow White runs in and says "Its official...I''m the fairest in the land!"
Shortly afterwards, the door again bursts open and Tom Thumb runs in and shouts "Its official...I''m the smallest in the land!"
Five minutes later, the door gets kicked in and Quasimodo storms in and bellows "Who the f**k is Jade Goody?"

 

 

Tin Hat on, abandon ship....

 

[TIL 1010 5,246]

Scientists have just invented a new drug for depressed lesbians................... it''s called tridixigain.

[I am a Banana 0]

lame!

[First Wazzock 1,011]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, ''I can''t help but think, from listening to you, that you''re from Ireland .''

The other guy responds proudly, ''Yes, that I am!''

The first guy says, ''So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be''?

The other guy answers, ''I''m from Dublin , I am.''

The first guy responds, ''So am I!''

''Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?

The other guy says, ''A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.''

The first guy says, ''Faith and it''s a small world. So did I! So did I!
And to what school would you have been going''?

The other guy a nswers, ''Well now, I went to St. Mary''s, of course.''

The first guy gets really excited and says, ''And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate''?

The other guy answers, ''Well, now, let''s see. I gra duated in 1964.''

The first guy exclaims, ''The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary''s in 1964 my own self!''

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ''It''s going to be a long night tonight.''

Vicky asks, ''Why do you say that, Brian''?

''The Murphy twins are p***ed again.''

[Show Me What You Gooot! 0]

I hate using the Irish as a fall guy but I''m sure they make jokes about us so what the hell

An old Irish man walks into a pub. He approaches the bar and orders 3 pints of Guinness.

The barman stands them in front of the old man who proceeds to take a sip out of each one in turn. He does this until he finishes them all.

The barman looks slightly puzzled and asks "Why are you buying 3 pints at a time and taking a sip out of each one like that?"

The old man explains "I have two brothers who moved abroad and now we rarely see one another. But we always said we''d use this method of drinking to remind ourselves of each other".

The barman thought this was a nice gesture and the old man swiftly left the pub.

Nextday the old man walks into the pub again, only this time he orders just 2 pints of Guinness.

The pub falls silent, one or two of the patrons remove their hats and place them apon their chests. The barman stands the drinks in front of the old man who begins to take a sip out of each glass in turn, same as before.

The barman leans over the bar and whispers to him "I''m sorry to see that one of your brothers has died. How awful"

The old man looks at the barman and says "Oh no, its nothing like that, its just I''ve decided to stop drinking"

(I''ll get my coat)

[Camuldonum 0]

[quote user="Paint Me Yellow"]

I hate using the Irish as a fall guy but I''m sure they make jokes about us so what the hell

An old Irish man walks into a pub. He approaches the bar and orders 3 pints of Guinness.

The barman stands them in front of the old man who proceeds to take a sip out of each one in turn. He does this until he finishes them all.

The barman looks slightly puzzled and asks "Why are you buying 3 pints at a time and taking a sip out of each one like that?"

The old man explains "I have two brothers who moved abroad and now we rarely see one another. But we always said we''d use this method of drinking to remind ourselves of each other".

The barman thought this was a nice gesture and the old man swiftly left the pub.

Nextday the old man walks into the pub again, only this time he orders just 2 pints of Guinness.

The pub falls silent, one or two of the patrons remove their hats and place them apon their chests. The barman stands the drinks in front of the old man who begins to take a sip out of each glass in turn, same as before.

The barman leans over the bar and whispers to him "I''m sorry to see that one of your brothers has died. How awful"

The old man looks at the barman and says "Oh no, its nothing like that, its just I''ve decided to stop drinking"

(I''ll get my coat)

[/quote]

Feel free to use the Irish - no offence taken! [:D]

And, yes, we do have "English" jokes.

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, who exclaims,'''' May the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'''' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irishman who replies: '''' No thanks, I''ll just wait till the Police get here!''''   You''re welcome.

 

[Camuldonum 0]

Probably not complete without an Irish catholic one:

Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess.

He went into the confession booth and told the Father, "Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me."
The Father said, "Tell me who the lady was."

 

The lad said he couldn''t do that and Father said he couldn''t grant him forgiveness unless he did.

"Was it Mollie O''Grady?" asked Father."

 

"No."
"Was it Rosie Kelly?"
"No."
"Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O''Malley?"
"No."

 

"Well then," said  Father, "I can''t grant you Forgiveness."

When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did Father grant you forgiveness?"

"No," said the other, "but I picked up three bloody good tips from him"[:$]

[The Butler 0]

The Bindi 
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads called a bindi. 
We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion..  The true story has recently been revealed. 
When one of these women gets married, she brings with her a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won either a corner shop, a sub post office, a minicab company, or a restaurant in Southall. 
If nothing is there, he must take a job in  India answering telephone enquiries from Barclays Bank customers. 
Just thought you would like to know

[Nuff Said 5,960]

Not funny. Unlike...Little Johnny comes home from school with his report and reluctantly hands it to his mum. She reads it, shakes her head and turns to him and says "D for Maths! I know you can do better than this Johnny, so I expect to see a big improvement next time."At the end of next term Johnny sneaks into the house and tries to run upstairs with his report, but his mum catches him. "Hand it over" she says, which he does. She turns straight to Maths and her face darkens. "D again! This isn''t good enough Johnny. If it doesn''t improve, we''re going to have to move you to the Catholic school."Next term Johnny doesn''t come home on the last day till ten o''clock. When he finally does, his mum reads his report and says "That''s it, you''re transferring to the Catholic school."End of the first term of the new year, and Johnny comes back from Catholic school with his first report. He hands it proudly to his mum who is delighted to see not a D, a C or a B but a straight A for Maths. "That''s fantastic Johnny, I knew you had it in you. Well done. What made the difference?"Johnny looks at his mum and says "When I walked in on the first day and saw they''d nailed a guy to a huge wooden plus sign, I knew they weren''t pissing about with Maths."

[The ghost of Michael Theoklitos 0]

A Chinese couple are lying in bed the night of their 50th wedding anniversary.

The wife turns to her husband and says "Chen, you have been loving husband for 50 years. I love you very much. For you, on this our anniversary, I do anything you like. You name it. Anything".

After much thought, Chen turns to his wife and says. "Yang, I love you. Thank you for this lovely offer. I think I would like sixty-nine".

Yang says "What! You want beef in special sauce at this time of the night?!"