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Mister Chops

The 2008 Pink'un/NCFC Xmas Panto Musical - Act One

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What else could it really be...

The Wizard of Oz


CURTAIN UP:

The curtain rises to reveal a farm in Aylsham. DOROTHY (played by City Angel) is sitting on a farm stile with her dog, TOTO (played by Lappinitup''s avatar).

DOROTHY: Oh, Toto. That six-nil defeat against Preston was simply unbearable. Will we ever see Norwich win again?

TOTO: Ruff ruff. Ruff.

DOROTHY: I know, Toto. I know things are bad. Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, they say I should stop wasting my time at Carrow Road. They say I should stop believing in miracles. But you know what?

TOTO: Ruff ruff ruff?

DOROTHY: Exactly. When I feel this way, I like to remember what my good old Nutty Uncle Nigel likes to say.

(MUSIC – TOMORROW)

DOROTHY: (Sings)

Bryan Gunn''ll come out
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
There''ll be Gunn!

When we''re eight nil down
and grey,
And lonely,
I just stick out my chin
And Grin,
And Say,
Oh!

Bryan Gunn''ll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
''Til tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I love ya Tomorrow!
You''re always
A day
A way!


TOTO: Ruff ruff ruff?

DOROTHY: Yes, I know. It''s the wrong musical. Oh, but good old uncle Nutty Nigel has a point, don''t you think? Anyway, what I meant to sing was this:

[MUSIC – SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW]

Somewhere over the Barclay
Way up high,
There''s a team that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the Barclay
Skies are blue,
and the manager of our club
really has a clue

Someday I''ll wish upon a star
And wake up where Dee-lee-ah''s far
Behind me.
Where we can pick from twenty-two
City players, all tried and true
That''s where you''ll find me.

If happy old Burnley FC
Can find three million quid
Why, oh why can''t we?


[THE STAGE SHAKES VIOLENTLY]

DOROTHY: Toto! Sibierski just fell over again!

TOTO: Ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff!

DOROTHY: You mean... look out – I’m about to be struck by the weight of my own expectations during the transfer window?

[DOROTHY IS STRUCK BY THE WINDOW AND KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS]

DOROTHY: Toto... Toto... where am I? Why look. The road is yellow – and over there - a green city! Where could I be. Could it be... and my shoes! Toto, I have red boots on. Goodness, the farmhouse landed on Lee Croft!

TOTO: Ruff ruff ruff!

DOROTHY: Now that''s not fair. He does have an end product.  Help me get this farmhouse off him.

[OFF STAGE] Och, I wish I had a heart.

DOROTHY:  Did you hear something, Toto?

[OFF STAGE] Och, I wish I had a brain.

TOTO: Grrrrrrr...ruff!

[OFF STAGE] Och, I wish I had some courage.

[OFF STAGE] Och, or at least a first touch.

DOROTHY:  It seems to be coming from over here... [WALKS INTO FOLIAGE]

DOROTHY:  Goodness, Toto!  It''s Mark Fotheringham!

FOTHERINGHAM:  Aye, well, y''know, like, I''m nae playin'' too well right noo.
I were just sayin'', och, where was I?  Hoots!

DOROTHY: Um... are you some kind of Scottish stereotype?

FOTHERINGHAM;  Aye.  Nice red boots.  Gissa try, eh?

DOROTHY: Certainly.

[TAKES OFF BOOTS]

FOTHERINGHAM:  Och, wait a wee minute, lassy.  I''ll be needing two left ones.

[AN ARMY OF MIDGETS CARRYING KEYBOARDS MARCH ONTO THE STAGE]

DOROTHY:  Who are you?  Where are you going?

{MUSIC – OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD]

MIDGETS [sing]
We''re off to see the Wizard
the wizard we greatly admire
for being a miserable crusty troll
is something to which we aspire
if one greater hero than Hucks there was
Then our First Wizard is one because
because, because, because, because, because
oh hang on a minute, we''ve changed our minds...


[KEYBOARD ARMY TURN AROUND AND MARCH BACK, REPLACED BY ARMY OF MIDGETS WITH PITCHFORKS]

We''re off to see the Wizard
the wizard who does our heads in
for when we lose, he yells and boos
but never posts when we win
if ever an internet troll there was
Then First Wizard is one because
flip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop....
nobody in real life could be so dumb


DOROTHY:  Now that''s not nice.  I''m sure he supports the club just as much as you and I, in his own special and unique way.  Anyway.  We''re off to the Emerald City to defeat the evil Queen.  How do we get there?

MIDGETS:
Follow the yellow brick road!

TOTO: Ruff???

MIDGET: More specifically, head for Morrisons, cross the road, left at the first restaurant, past the hotel, the corporate hospitality suites and the exclusive membership-only bars, take a right at Top of the Terrace and Bob''s your uncle.  Here, you''ll need these corporate passes.

DOROTHY: Excellent!

[MIDGETS MARCH OFF STAGE]

TOTO: Ruff ruff ruff?

DOROTHY: No, Toto, I don''t think it was Ruel Fox.

[GLENN ROEDER APPEARS FROM THE SHADOWS]

GLENN ROEDER: Just a minute, lady.  Fotheringham, what are you doing here?

FOTHERINGHAM:  F**k all, boss, just like always.

ROEDER:  Well, go do it elsewhere.  I need to have a word with this young lady.

DOROTHY:  Mister Roeder, why don’t you sing us a song?

ROEDER: Sorry, I am unable to do that.  I’m a dour and prickly character and cannot do anything which might be described as fun, or anything which might risk making me smile.

DOROTHY: Oh go on.  Go on, go on, go on.  Please?

ROEDER:  Well – I’m not really one for singing.

DOROTHY:  Or signing.

ROEDER:  That’s a cheap shot.  Oh, very well.  Cue the loan orchestra!


(MUSIC - MY FAVOURITE THINGS)

ROEDER (singing in a cockney accent)
Young gifted left backs from Chelsea and Arsenal
Unwanted youth players from Spurs and Newcastle
season-long freebies without any strings,
these are a few of my favorite things.

Loanees from Wigan, and Ghanian movers
Baldy French has-beens and young won’t-improvers,
Reading midfielders who run round in rings,
these are a few of my favorite things.

When the team lose, when the fans sing,
when I''m feeling sad,
I simply remember my days at West Ham
and then I don''t feel so bad.


[ROEDER CRACKS A SMILE AND WINCES]

DOROTHY: That was beautiful!

ROEDER: Yeah.  Problem is, it’s brought on a bit of a headache.

DOROTHY: Oh my goodness.  Anybody… is there a Doc in the house?

GARY DOHERTY: Yes, here I am.

[FOR NO APPARENT REASON, AND DESPITE HIM BEING ONE OF OUR BETTER PLAYERS, THE AUDIENCE PELTS HIM WITH SEASONAL FRUIT]

DOROTHY:  Oh my.

[CURTAIN - END OF ACT ONE]

[Cue MUSIC and several under 10''s doing "keepy ups" in the manner of our half-time ''entertainment'']


{ACT TWO TO FOLLOW]

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Fantastic.....wish the team would put as much effort into playing football on the pitch as what you have into this.Keep it up can''t wait for ACT 2!!!

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Please send it to the papers, the club, other messageboards Chops. The more I read it the better it gets, I am printing it out and sticking it up near the radio so I can have a laugh listening to the next away game.

(apologies to Neil Adams and Canary Call, you are not as funny as this!).

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Thanks everyone, it was something I knocked up in my lunch hour but I''m glad you found it funny.  I will work on Act 2.  No word from the leading actress yet...

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[quote user="Mister Chops"]Thanks everyone, it was something I knocked up in my lunch hour but I''m glad you found it funny.  I will work on Act 2.  No word from the leading actress yet...[/quote]

ah, the maestro returns!!!but yeah well chopsy - she must be a true diva then...

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[quote user="Mister Chops"]Thanks everyone, it was something I knocked up in my lunch hour but I''m glad you found it funny.[/quote]Well if that''s what you can do in your lunch hour imagine how good it could be if you really put your mind to it...Like everyone else I thought it was brilliant and made me laugh loads, you are clearly very talented and deserve a bigger stage (ahem) than the Pink ''Un forum.

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Excellent work Chopsy, you''re in a rich vein of form at the moment [Y]I shall break out the Archibald-Henvilles in recognition of your fine efforts [;)]

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That is just brilliant Mister Chops and has brought the smile back to my face in fact I haven''t laughed so much for ages [:)]

Can''t wait for Act 2 [:)]

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